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Monday, November 21, 2011

I Can See Why You're Thankful

As we approach Thanksgiving, we must take the time to list out the many blessings in our life. In the spirit of being thankful, here is my list of things I am grateful for.
1. Weight appropriate clothing. People, I am not just saying fat people shouldn't try to wear clothing that is way too small for them, I am also saying you shouldn't wear clothes that are way too big for you either. If it is too small for you then you look ridiculous! It's like those Play Doh toys where all the dough is bulging out of every open orifice! And if it is too small, you look homeless. Buy clothes that fit! And if you don't look good in a bikini or without your shirt on, please save my eyes and don't go out in them! 'Look away,' you say, and Lord knows I have tried, but it's like a train wreck that I can't stop staring at!
2. Toys R Us. I am grateful that I can still go in one! Usually I get tossed out for turning the store into a race track and racing the power wheels vehicles around! One time, I got drunk and fell asleep in the Star Wars bed that they had on display. On another occasion, I ran around with a saddle on my back screaming "I'm a PONY!!" Or when on Halloween I tried to get all the hot, young mothers to try my candy!
3. Toys R Us continued. I am also grateful that doing any of those things will not get you labeled a sex offender.
4. Money Talks. It still amazes me what people will do for money. Want your girlfriend to dress like a sailor, sit in a tub full of Pepto Bismal, sing the theme song from The Gummi Bears as she clips your toe nails? You just have to figure out what carat is her selling price!
5. LOL Cats. Because these remind me I am NOT the strangest person alive.
6. Waking up. In places you can't remember going to and/or with people you have never met! Some of the best stories start of with "The last thing I remember is..."
7. Interviews. I like to go to random job interviews and answer the questions the way they "should" be answered. Question: "Why are you leaving your current job Mr. Samael?" Answer: "Well after I defecated on Dana's desk for not going out with me, I proceeded to slap a midget who was playing a french horn for Mandy's birthday celebration in the office next to mine. This led to someone throwing the cake out the window and me setting a desk on fire. I think I will be vindicated at the trial to see if the restraining order is upheld though."
8. Spelling. And by this I mean the names of your children. If you can't spell a name, then by all means do not name your child that! If I were a child whose name was Muklaiwkksl and that horrible mess was pronounced Terry, I would kill my parents. This is double for those parents who name their kids for fruits or after the bus stations they were conceived in!
9. Provocatively placed tattoos. Ladies, if you get a tattoo above your ass or on your chest, do not get pissed if that is all I look at while we have a conversation.
10. Drunken Homeless People. Whether you are taking a piss in the meat case at Publix or just yelling at that person walking with you whom only you can see, I will always see it and smile!
11. Automatic Carwashes. These things have saved me a bundle on my water bill. I just go to the closest one, strip down and insert 3 dollars and it scrubs me down, rinses me off and applies a nice waxy like lotion to preserve my skin tone.
12. Questions. I like to ask questions. This is especially true when someone asks me if I have any questions. Like the waiter at Outback. After reading off the specials, she wanted to know if my dinner party had any questions. Of course the answer is always "yes." So I proceeded to ask her where she got the really bad dye job she had in her hair. Then I asked her if she thought *insert random current event here* would have any impact on the lives of the Teletubbies.
13. Lingerie/Pajamas. If you are an attractive girl of any age over 18 but under 50, feel free to go to the mall or Wal-Mart wearing only crotchless underwear. Or that dominatrix outfit. I won't complain. Ever.
14. That Special Someone. Having someone in your life that makes you smile is worth all the money in the world.

1 comment:

  1. The gummi bears have a theme song? No wonder I can't get a job. I obviously lack the essential skills.

    And I guess you can talk to my ass as I'm walking away but if we're having a conversation I'm hoping we'll be face-to-face or at least side-by-side and looking in the same direction or something.

    Feel free to ask me anything. I can take it.

    And #14 . . . totally agree but once they aren't virgins, you can't get much for them on the black market anyway so you're stuck with damaged goods.