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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Now I Can't Catch A Cold

Inspired by a beautiful woman, I have taken to reading more. Although I don't think Kevin Trudeau's "Natural Cures They Don't Want You To Know About" is what she had in mind. The book is author Kevin's way of telling you things that aren't particularly important and then selling it to you for $29.99. His cover claims over 6 million sold, but I wonder if he knows about my copy which I purchased from Goodwill for 82 cents.
Kevin offers brillant advice on topics such as "How to never get sick again" and "why people are fat."
Since it is flu season and his advice is about as useful an empty bottle of shampoo, I decided to hit the highlighs of his chapter on "how to never get sick again."
Kevin first warns us that our bodies are being bombarded by cosmic radiation every day. This sounds cool because isn't that how the Fantastic Four got their powers? He claims that by watching TV, being affected by satelites and using your cell phone is actually making you sick. I agree, I get sick everytime I see what Verizon charges me for all those services.
He then teaches what parts of the body releases toxins. He uses bullet points to name the body parts as if it is leading into something dramatic, but after bullet pointing "the mouth, the nose, the urinary tract, the colon," and "the skin" he merely starts talking about grape juice.
I guess his bullet points are helpful if you forgot the words to that song about the knee bones being connected to the leg bones.
He also says it is vital to get 15 colonics done in a single month as well as get every type of cleanse done. I wonder if I could have them all done in the same day?
He then begins to list out things one should to never get sick again. His words are in bold. I'm keeping his numbering, but because he numbers several things as number 10, in some cases I am using the page number as his numbering.
1. See natural health care providers on a regular basis. Because the guy that sells you powdered deer penis is much cheaper than the one that can prescribe you prozac. I'm sure paying a hippy once a month to give you some spanish fly is much safer than Viagra.
2. Stop taking prescription and non prescription drugs. That's right Grandma. Kevin (who obviously is an MD) says you don't need your blood pressure medication so just stop.
4. Check your body pH. Do I use the same gimmick I use to check the pH level's in my pool? And if it's not balanced should I drink some chlorine to fix that?
10. Use a rebounder. I didn't think casual sex was the best way to stay healthy between relationships but obviously he is the expert.
143. Stop smoking. Brillant. Because the Surgeon Generals warning isn't enough, Kevin gives us this amazingly new insight.
171. Have sex. I guess since he already mentioned casual sex with a rebounder, this one should be expected. I can't really knock this piece of advice though so...moving on.
144. Don't drink tap water. That's because Kevin owns stock in Nestle and since they own the largest water distributor in the world, you are helping ensure he can retire.
151. If you can't eat it, don't put it on your skin. So, see I was right right about the bacon scented perfume!
153. Do not use antiperspirants or deodorants. Because body odor is the natural way of clearing your sinuses.
152. Do not use sunblock. This is because skin cancer is a myth made up by the mole-people in order to get everyone used to looking like an albino.
156. Avoid dry cleaning. Now Kevin, just because Mr Wong couldn't get that particular "stain" out of her blouse is no reason to bash the whole industry.
159. Get natural sunlight. As I am allergic to natural light, this piece of helpful advice would most probably kill me. But I think that is your goal all along after all you just told people not to use sunblock and then to go out into the sun.
164. Reduce electromagnetic chaos. Chaos is bad. Especially when it is magnetic and electric.
166. Get a magnetic mattress pad. I guess magnets aren't bad - only chaotic ones.
171 part 17. Listen to nice music.But Kevin isn't this subjective?  I think AC/DC is pretty nice as is NIN.
171 part 13 & 14. Avoid the news. This way when the world denounces me as a crock, you will never hear about it and will continue buying my books.
173. Do not use an alarm clock. This way when you are late to work, just blame Kevin. tell your boss that your "doctor" told you to get rid of the alarm clocks so that you could properly sleep and function the next day.
174. Dance and sing. I say do this right after having sex with a rebounder or perhaps before having regular sex with anyone else.
175. Do dianetics/scientology. Oh...now it all makes sense...this is one of those whack jobs like Tom Cruise that believes the work of fiction writer L Ron Hubbard is in fact a true story....

3 comments:

  1. Wow ~ Kevin must be Jesus....he knows everything and lives the "perfect" life!! Actually, I have heard all these things before....I see the validity in it, but how obsessed you have to become with yourself to get wrapped up in all this....believe me, I have been there. And let me guess....HE (kevin) is the "natural" health care provider I am to visit? he he

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  2. I remember when I first saw this book being talked about in what I quickly realized was an infomercial. I rolled my eyes and changed the channel.

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  3. Just read this...Where on earth has this book been all my life??

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