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Monday, November 7, 2011

Today I Rode The Subway

Getting together with good friends can be a lot of fun. Until you get thrown out of a fast food place that prides itself on making fat people lose weight. Especially if you get thrown out 30 minutes after arriving.
The night started when I got to Subway and met my friends, Jim Sammons and Lauren Hunter. Jim proceeded to invite me to join him in "fairy land." He said something about playing with a pistol and colorful balls that would spray all over everything.
I had to respectfully decline.
Maybe his invitation was because a guy pulled up in a near identical car right before I got there. When I say identical, I mean the only thing about this vehicle that resembled mine was the color. After all my white Mustang looks EXACTLY like a white Prius that has a purple zebra license plate on the front. The hello kitty doll the driver had hanging from the rear view mirror was a nice touch. I think he may have just came from fairy land.
The owner of the car was in his straight guy disguise: a camouflage jacket, ball cap and jeans. So I can see Jim's confusion about whether all people that drive white cars have such tendencies.
As the conversation progressed I found out "Fairyland" is actually a bad name choice for a paintball range in Dothan, Alabama.
He then starts to tell another paintball story that was right from the script of Deliverance. Apparently the first time that he and his buddies went to fairy land, they had a run in with a toothless janitor at a rest stop near I-10. The best stories always begin with "This one time at the truck stop..." So anyways, Jim tells me how this career custodian was the local paintball guru and knew the fastest way to get to fairy land. The directions were straight from "The Hillbilly Handbook."
Jim: Yeah, my friends and I need to go the paintball range.
Toothless: You like the paintball boy? Well the paintball is a place of orgasmic beauty where only the person with the firmest determination can win.
Jim: Umm yeah. So anyway the lady at the counter said you could help us get there?
Toothless: Cause if you don't have a hard heart you will wind up a flaccid piece of waste blowing in the wind and eaten by wolves.
Jim: Yeah I just need an address, I have a GPS....
Toothless: Take the right by the ole hollow and drive til the road dead ends and there you will find an enchanted moonbeam and by the way boy you shore do have a purty mouth.............
Knowing the man to be of the reputable sort, Jim and company ignored the banjo playing in the background and raced along the back roads to find this paintball mecca.
This is the point when Jim tried to convince me to go out with him. It was when I made the above joke where I asked him "why he was asking me to look at his pretty and colorful balls but there was no way I wanted to play with his pistol," that his fiance spit her sandwich all over me. I think she may have been choking but I was too busy dodging bread crumbs and Jim was too caught up in his story! I am sure that shade of purple wasn't created from her makeup!
After Lauren fell over into her chips, Jim and I then put on a musical number about the beauty of man-hand relationships and after our dance number we were tossed from Subway. They didn't even let us sing about the best lotions to use or how to make chaffing less painful! But at least they let me talk about how I enjoy having my nipples dipped in cocktail sauce and then licked clean by a shrimp. I call it the "Bubba Gump!"
But all in all a Good Sunday Night!


  1. When you tools were ejected from the hole-in-the-wall, did your salad get tossed, too?

  2. All the time I've known him, Jim has NEVER invited me to Fairyland. Hasn't even told me about these magical trips through the looking glass. Sadness.