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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Beating a Dead Rodent

Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands if you ever want justice. Which is why I fully support a mystery woman in Burlington, Vermont. This woman was fed up with all of the animal carcasses littering the road near her home (and by all I mean one singular raccoon) and she decided to do something about it. Not something rational - like call authorities and give them the chance to do something about it - because that would be too effective. No, she had a plan.
So this mystery woman, whom I will call Tatyana, did the only sane thing she could think of. She disposed of the carcass - by slamming it violently against the doors of City Hall. Nothing says you are upset with your town's politics like beating a dead, possibly rabid rodent against the city's main political center. Video surveillance captured several minutes as Tatyana clutched the dead animal by the tail and swung wildly at the doors of the building, before leaving the body laying on the steps. I know that anytime I have been disgusted and angry at carcasses lining my street, my first impulse is to use them as bat. Actually, it sort of creeps me out that she held the damn thing to start with. Which leads me to believe that the witness speculations as to her motives are dead wrong! She wasn't angry about the body being left on the she was the victim Raccoon gang violence and she was using the carcass against City Hall as a symbol to demonstrate how the world had failed to keep her safe!
Cases of rampant raccoon attacks abound. Most victims, however, rarely report these crimes and live shamefully with the knowledge of what happened. They know if they talk about it, people will accuse them of asking for it. They will say things like "if you had only not dressed so provocatively" and "its just their nature, raccoons will be be raccoons."
 Just last this past September, a woman and her poodle were brutally assaulted by two raccoons in Sacramento,  California. She was out walking in a "woodsy" part of town and the raccoons viciously attacked and defiled the poor girl and her precious pet. This girl was the third such victim that week!
And back in 2009 in Lakeland, Florida, a 74 year old woman (at the time) was mauled and broken by a pack of raccoons! Granny had noticed them just hanging out by her property and like many old people she told them "get off my yard!" Well, these raccoons didn't like it much and they left her bleeding on the front yard. Polk County Sheriff's officers said "she was filleted."
All this evidence leads me to believe that the raccoons are really just an initial salvo for an imminent bear attack. Think about it. Even the Care Bears had a weird cousin that was a Raccoon. That's because the bears use them as a distraction so that we don't see the real threat coming! While we worry about raccoons and the horrible things they can do to us - like give us rabies - bears are out plotting our demise!
So I applaud you crazy lady of Burlington! Because only you know that the real threat is out there and ready to beat our doors down with bodies of their dead! I know that your creepy use of roadkill was really just your version of Paul Reveres famous ride!


  1. You had me at the Care Bears reference.

  2. This one tops the charts...."if you had only not dressed so provocatively". Hilarious.

  3. She was walking on the 'woodsy' side of town :) that hussy