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Thursday, December 1, 2011

Reeling In The Big Fish

I rarely go to concerts...mainly because I avoid large crowds of people because I think they have the plague. But last night I tagged along with my dear friend Craig Sinquefield to watch the Reel Big Fish.
I had never heard of RBF before, apparently they performed a cover of Take On Me in the movie Baseketballs, but after watching a few videos with Craig I decided - why not?
The night started with a road trip to Tallahassee, where along the way I found out one of my favorite Chik-fil-A's had closed. After finding one that was still in operation we grabbed a quick bite - which apparently was the same idea half the college students in Tallahassee decided as well, because the place was crowded!
Then Craig and I headed over to Floyd's Music Store.
Floyd's is a run down little hole in the wall bar that manages to book big name artists to come and perform. Among those that have played there: Creed, One Republic, Seether, and last night Reel Big Fish.
The first group, Rodeo Ruby Love, opened with the theme song from The Legend of Zelda video game. This instantly won me over, even if I had no idea what they were singing about. The band consisted of a group of Weezer wannabes and one half naked chick on lead vocals with a tambourine.
The next group scared me as they screamed at the whole time about "knocking on the door." They opened with heavy metal classic "The Flight of the Bumble Bee." I have no idea who they were as well apparently I am not cool enough to recognize people that aren't actually famous.
Normally, I would be OK if she was a screamer, but these were four big guys that looked like they just left prison so I was not sad to see them get off stage!
Then came the moment we were all waiting for. The headliners took the stage. The lead singer came out with his lamb chops, Hawaiian shirt and jeans on guitar. The trombone player was wearing 2 dollar sunglasses and a suit. The trumpet player was dressed like Charlie Brown. The saxophone player had a full beard a shirt, tie and jacket...and shorts on! Only the drummer and bassist looked normal!
Wait...these guys have an entire brass section? What the f***? Then they started to play and they had some great songs. They even opened with the theme from Superman! Then the lead singer apologized for not being "shit faced drunk at this place for the first time." I guess that is something to be ashamed of if you are musician.
With lyrics like "I wrote this song about you just to let you know that I hate your guts and I think you suck," they expressed to their audience how they really felt!
Then they gave some inspirational stuff with lyrics like "I want your girlfriend to be my girlfriend." That is a really positive and upbeat message! They even had songs to show how to handle break-ups like "She has a girlfriend now." One of my ex's handled our break-up the exact same way!
It was after this song that the guy in front of me thought it would be awesome if he put his ass right in my crotch!
Ladies and gentlemen, the biggest thing I hate about concerts is the people that go to them! Look I know you are a fan, and you get into the music and all that, but i don't want to have anal with you so please stay out of my personal space! After hopping backwards twice and stepping on my feet as he put his ass at my junk, I subtly knocked him over and spilled my coke on him!
My "would be boyfriend" decided that I played too rough and went to a different place to dance and molest the people who just smile! Dancing in a crowded concert is like forced mutual masturbation. Or like having sex with a girl that just isn't that into it - you have fun and she just stares at you with a bored expression on her face that says "Is that it? Really? Well, just finish up so I can watch Oprah."
At this point the band is prancing around on stage like it's a drag show and after Mr Felt Me Up Pretending To Dance Guy, I must admit I was a little creeped out and wondering what Craig had dragged me to!
Which led me to an interesting observation...over half of those attending the concert were female...and the rule is if most of your audience is female then you are at one of three venues: *insert name here* of the angry indie rock girl persuasion, Cher, or Celine Dion. Since these guys were more attractive than Cher, I deduced that Craig had secretly taken me to see Celine Dion. All doubt was removed when they started singing the theme from "Titanic" followed by "Popeye the Sailor Man."
Then they sang a song dedicated to beer called "Tequila"...no wait they started that one forgot the words then sang a song called "Beer." This was preceded by them promising not to perform unless we all went to the bar and bought one!
Then they covered "Brown Eyed Girl." And I became a fan! I tried to buy a t-shirt (and by buy, I mean that I tried to steal it off the fat girl dancing next to me!) I blamed it on the square dancing the band was having us do!
That's right - SQUARE DANCING! See they would perform the same song over and over and tell the audience how they should dance to it! At one point the whole audience erupted into a giant rotating Mosh Pit! Including a random girl being tossed over people's heads until she got close to me, at which point I refused to participate, and she fell to the floor beside me.
During all this Chaos, Craig danced, shouted and attempted to sing. He video taped and banged his head...on the floor as he made his way to the bathroom for one dozenth time. In his words "my bladder is the size of a thimble!" That's a sentence a drunk person should never tell a semi-famous (only not really famous outside of his own head) satirist because it will be brought up again!
All in all - a pretty good night out with a friend!

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