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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

My Hunger Has Been Aborted

It's time to stare down your nutrition labels people! That's right, I am wanting you to check that what you are eating is what you think you are eating. No, I don't care about trans-fats or sugars or carbs...I am worried you may be eating aborted human fetuses!
And obviously, I am not the only one, because just this week State Senator Ralph Shortey, a Republican from Oklahoma City, introduced legislation to "ban the sale and consumption of human fetuses." Which has me in a panic as I wonder...when the hell have I been eating aborted babies????
Seeing as I have no idea what mono & diglycerides are, have I been eating babies all along? We must have been, because otherwise, why would anyone try to ban the eating of something that no one would ever consider eating?
Which leads me to wonder if that was the goal all along behind abortion clinics? Were they just trying to get unlimited access to aborted fetuses in order to sell them to food manufacturers? Is this the secret meat like substance that Taco Bell sells in the "Big Beef Burrito?" Because if so, babies are tasty before they are born! Especially when you add cheese!
Shortey claims that he created the legislation in order "to stop Pepsi from using stem cells in their products." He may have also heard the joke about making a dead baby float by adding root beer and ice cream.
If I learned anything about stem cells from such informative shows as South Park its that stem cells unleash great evils! Remember how a cracked out Christopher Reeve was eating stem cells so he could become Superman again? And where did he gather evidence for this supposed venture by PepsiCo.? On the internet. He was allegedly looking for a guy to masturbate with on Craig's List, but instead uncovered this devious plot from the second largest soft-drink manufacturer in the world! He then partnered with anti-abortion group Children of God who made allegations that some food companies test artificial flavors on stem cells! This is an abomination - after all, those stem cells should get the benefit of the natural flavors too!
Shortey, I believe you only have our best interests in mind and I support you completely...but I think you aren't thinking big enough.
Which is why I came up with all of these other reasons to ban fetuses!
 Stem cell research. After all, so long as we aren't personally paralyzed, dying, or otherwise in need of this potentially life saving research, we should abandon it as being witchcraft!
 Elmer's glue. Aborted fetuses look sticky, so we should stop the glue companies from using them instead of horses like all God-fearing people do.
 Abortion protests. If you ban fetuses from being used as the subject in anti-abortion speech, then you save me from having to listen to it. It also allows women  to have some form of dignity while making this life altering choice. This way protesters can instead protest that they lack the ability to protest.
 Republicans/Democrats/Politicians. While we are at it, let's ban the use of fetuses in any form of election. I get tired of those commercials that say things like "Obama hates children! Paid for by *random anti-abortion group*. I hate children too, but your commercials make me feel bad that I do...
 Making babies. Fetuses become babies and that is bad. Because babies eat the many resources that we need to keep a viable and sustainable planet. I say ban the making of babies from fetuses so that we can protect the few natural resources we have left!

Perhaps we should also ban "eating" as well, this way we can be sure we aren't consuming fetuses!
Shortey also told the LA Times that "This wasn't an open invitation for the country to chime in. This was an invitation to my colleagues to have this discussion." But I think that the country needs to know what issues you feel are important, this way we can avoid your name in a ballot box when you run for President!

So Shortey, stand up for our rights to eat fetus free food and drink stem cell free beverages - because the shot of whiskey is much healthier!

1 comment:

  1. I hate children too, but your commercials make me feel bad that I do...

    I snorted. Literally.

    ReplyDelete