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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Happy Birthday Old Man

Someone once told me that you are only as old as you feel...or maybe that you are only as old as what you are feeling? Either way, that is kind of creepy. I mean she's barely 18 and you're how old? Maybe you should start pursuing women your own age - especially since today, you are one year older...just saying.
Besides the best way to deal with a birthday is to use alcohol. I mean, what better way to forget that you are one step closer to the grave than by getting smashed - so that you feel one step closer to the grave. Not only that but alcohol can create a paradox if you drink enough of it! That's because if you over indulge you can understand what it's like to be both an infant and to be old - because you've probably pissed yourself!
Just don't go out buying fancy sport's cars or other toys you don't need - because as old as you are isn't it really too late now anyway? Let's face it, before you can actually enjoy it, your kids will be inheriting it!
I'd be willing to bet that they already have your nursing home picked out! They are like wait till dad starts pissing himself, because he is going to Shady Sands.
Speaking of getting old, be sure to return your AARP form so that you can get your discounts at Shoney's. But don't worry, you aren't over the hill just yet, I am sure you have plenty of good years left. They just need to be experienced slower, you wouldn't want to throw your back out again right? And 6:30 isn't too early for bedtime, it's normal at your age! 
Hopefully this years birthday will be better than last years. That was a disaster right? But at least she will always remember you though! I mean, how often does a girl you've only dated twice walk into her bathroom to find a guy butt-ass naked and vomiting into her purse, because he mistook it for the toilet? From the stories her friends told, I have to ask what the hell did you have that night because it was everywhere and it stained the walls!
So basically what I am saying is have a Happy Birthday...and try not to seduce my dog this year. Scruffy still isn't over the scare. I know you thought she was just a really ugly chick...but it was my dog. My really, small and in no way possible resembles a person, dog.

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