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Thursday, February 16, 2012

I'm Coming To Join You Elizabeth

The Heart Attack Grill lived up to its name when an unnamed man in his 40's suffered a heart attack in the Las Vegas restaurant.
The Heart Attack Grill is a small chain of restaurants that started in Chandler, Arizona. It uses a hospital motif in which the owner dresses as a surgeon and all the waitresses dress in that naughty nurse Halloween costume. They feature such delicacies as Flatliner Fries and By-pass Burgers. The by-pass burgers come in four types and they are: the Single By-Pass Burger, the Double By-Pass Burger, the Triple By-Pass Burger, and the 8,000 calorie Quadruple By-Pass Burger.
That's right. The Quad has as many calories as dietitians say should be consumed in four days - sounds heavenly! And for one patron, it almost was...
That's because everything at The Heart Attack Grill is fried in lard. And instead of a salad bar, they have an ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT french fry bar. They spare no excess and they believe their customers think the same way. This is why they don't sell anything that is even remotely healthy! Want a diet drink or some kinda juice? Well, guess what? People in Hell want ice-water and they have the same chance of getting that as you have of getting a non-caffeinated sugarless beverage at the Heart Attack Grill!
The founder, one "Dr" Jon Basso, wanted to create a restaurant that could be called "Nutritional Pornography." And after looking at the scantily clad waitresses that make Hooters Girls look modest, I would say he succeeded! He also wanted to create a business with food so bad for you that it is "shocking." Their mission statement is simple, "Doctors agree that continually cycling body weight up and down is one of the very worst things a person can do to themselves. That's why our program is focused upon keeping your weight in an extremely stable, gradual, and constant upward slope." Considering he lets anyone that weighs more than 350 lbs eat free as often as they want, I would say that he has succeeded there as well!
Dr Jon boasts "Don't eat here everyday or YOU WILL DIE." I don't know if the best marketing strategy is to tell your customers that your product will kill them, but it seems to work for tobacco - so what do I know?
The menu screams "I hate my own body!" with the buttermilk shakes, the limitless Flatliner fries, and the Quad Burger that comes with: four half pound patties covered in eight slices of cheese, four strips of bacon, whole tomato, half an onion, and a bun that was soaked in lard. I am getting fat just reading about this place!
Did I mention this place has a fully stocked bar and that shots were served in syringes?
I am surprised no one else has keeled over in this place...oh wait...the mascot, a 575 lb man named Blair River, died on March 1, 2011 due to pneumonia - at age 29!
On the upside, if you manage to finish the Quad a waitress will put you into a wheelchair and take you to your car...presumably so you don't die from a heart attack trying to walk there yourself.

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