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Monday, March 26, 2012

Getting To Work Costs An Arm And A Leg

We have all done things to get out of work. Some of us have faked illnesses. We call our bosses and hoarsely whisper that we have the Bulgarian Monkey Pox and are too sick to come in. Some of us fake tragedies - like the 8th funeral of our Me-Maw. But one man in Vienna...chopped off his own foot.
An as yet unnamed 57-year-old man in Austria decided the best way to avoid returning to work would be to make himself unemployable. See, the man had been living on unemployment for the past year or so and he decided this is a sweet gig. So, just hours before meeting with the unemployment office to determine whether or not he was fit to go back to work, he held his left leg up against the electric saw in his workshop. Then because he couldn't think of anything better to do with his now severed foot, he tossed it into the oven. I wonder if he planned to serve it up medium well?
Then while bleeding profusely, he hobbled out of his garage to call 911. I think if he can do all that while bleeding everywhere then he is more than capable of working at McDonald's. He apparently already knows how to operate a stove and cutting utensils!
My question is: "What could someone have done to get out of work that didn't involve amputating a leg?"
Would a note from his mother have excused him from his interview that day?
Or could he have used one of the traditional excuses of contracting the Monkey Pox while attending Me-Maw's wake?
Or maybe the problem is that his solution wasn't drastic enough!
So I have come up with sure fire ways to prove you aren't fit to work anymore.
1. Gain a lot of weight. You should become morbidly obese. I mean, you should need Jerry Springer to forklift your ass out of bed. This way no one would ever believe you were capable of actual work!
2. Call the employment office and tell them a Shetland Pony is standing on your pubic bones. Then Photoshop a picture of a horse standing on you. E-mail that picture and tell them to call animal control to help you get that  "shitty pony off [your] pelvis."
3. Get arrested. A lot. By being naked in public. This will show future employers that you don't like clothes. Show up at your interview wearing only a smile..and some socks, because let's face it - your feet are gnarly.
4. Develop a Tic. Like randomly shouting "Jesus" or "Donkey-f***er" sporadically in conversations - not only with other people but with yourself! Or maybe a physical tic - like randomly twitching and staring at the person your talking to! Maybe bob your head a little and act like you're trying to give that person the crazy eyes. I don't know of too many prospective employers who would want you dealing with customers if you exhibit any of these.
5. Daily Hygiene. As in: stop it. For the entire time you are on unemployment, stop bathing. Also, don't wear any colognes or deodorants. When you finally are forced to visit the employment office, bring a bottle of FeBreeze with you. Tell them that it really works in making you smell fresh. When they tell you that you need to bathe, tell them it is against your religion and if they ask what religion tell them you are a member of the Church of Satan.
6. Tell them you are a member of the Church of Satan. I think this one doesn't need any further explanations.
7. Talk in rhymes. Speak as if you exist in a Dr Seuss novel. You should answer always in rhyme. You should constantly ask the time. You should make sure they know. You should tell them it is time to go. Take a boat for a row, own a yard that you mow? Surely the goat will live by the moat and you can lead a herd full of turds into the sun..okay I'm done.

1 comment:

  1. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to find a job and now I know my speaking in rhymes is not a good idea. Oh, but I love the challenge of finding a word that rhymes with Satia.

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