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Thursday, April 5, 2012

I Am Sick Of These Mother@#$%ing Snakes On This Mother&^%$ing Plane!

Sometimes I wonder if there is a God. And then sometimes I think, if there is he probably has a great sense of humor. Probably watches a lot of B Movies, smokes a little of the good shit, and laughs at the situations we end up in.
Because otherwise, what happened to Braden Blennerhassett is just an incredible coincidence.
Braden is a typical pilot from Australia. He likes Foster's Beer and always orders the Alice Springs Chicken, but shortly after taking off on Tuesday his typical day became anything but!
To quote Braden who was quoting Samuel L Jackson, "I've got snakes on a plane."
That's right as in a serpent. On his plane. Apparently a Golden Tree Snake had chased a frog onto the plane and just as Braden was leveling the plane off, the snake made its appearance - by slithering down his leg.
Now, rest easy folks...Golden Tree Snakes aren't venomous, but this didn't calm Braden down at all. That's because Golden Tree Snakes can fly. Without an airplane. That is creepy as hell.
Braden, like Samuel L Jackson, bravely made a call to air traffic control (to let them know that he was needing to immediately land) right before he pissed himself. I would have probably pissed myself first, called air traffic control using a voice reminiscent of a screaming 12 year old girl right before crashing the plane into the nearest lake in an effort to drown the bastard.
I can only wonder why the snake was really on board. Did Samuel L Jackson need this in the news to help promote the DVD? Maybe the snake was trying to get more flight time under its scales. Or perhaps it wanted to go sky-diving. Or maybe the snake was tired of flying economy class. Regardless, Braden didn't ask.
The local fire department briefly saw the snake after the plane landed, but they were unable to catch it. Which means lurking somewhere in the plane is a flying reptile. A plane that Braden says is grounded until the snake is found.
I can't say that I blame him...if I found a snake on motorcycle or in my car, I would probably never drive it again.
Other places that I would rather not find a snake:
  1. In the toilet...after I sat down.
  2. On a roller coaster. I figure these make me scream enough, no need to add panic induced heart attack to the mix.
  3. In the same drawer as the sex toys. This would make me take a vow of celibacy.
  4. In my bed. Sure, some of my ex's may qualify for this term, but there is something not quite so peaceful about cuddling up with a slithery reptile.
  5. As a prize in my cereal. I love Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms but I wouldn't consider myself too lucky the first time one of these creepy crawlers lands in my bowl.
I could have named more situations but the thought just slithered away.

1 comment:

  1. I like snakes. And apparently they like me. A friend had a snake and a group of us were sitting around the room. The snake sort of went around from person to person until it got to me and then it just curled itself up around my shoulders and neck. My friend removed the snake and moved with it across the room but the snake just kept coming back to me to get comfortable.

    I couldn't own a snake for a pet, however. Unless it were a vegetarian snake.

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