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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I Don't Know What's Eating You - Face It You're A Zombie!

Folks, get your flamethrowers, shotguns, rifles, and banjos ready, because the "Zombie Apocalypse" is upon us. This past Saturday in Miami, a zombie man was shot and killed by a police officer while he was munching on another mans face. The naked zombie man was asked by law enforcement to stop eating his victim several times. The zombie man, Rudy Eugene age 31, merely looked up with a blank stare and growled. Did I also mention that Rudy was naked?
Because if I didn't let me emphasize that a naked guy was discovered eating another guys face in Miami! The officer shot Rudy once and Rudy ignored it and merely growled and kept eating. The officer kept shooting Rudy at that point, until Rudy died (witnesses claim the officer fired at least 6 more times)...After Rudy was taken down, medical staff discovered he had eaten nearly 80% of his victim's face...
Folks, scientists and law enforcement are going to tell you that a new designer drug version of LSD called "bath salts" is to blame for Rudy becoming a cannibal. That's because the government doesn't want you to know that the movies 30 Days of Night, Night of the Living Dead, and Zombieland were actually educational films meant to prepare us for the menace that is now upon us.
My advice is run, get someplace safe, stockpile some weapons, some food, and distrust anyone that isn't you - because you cannot tell if someone is infected just by looking at them! Unless when you look at them, they have a gaping hole in their chest and are trying to eat you...then it is safe to say that you can tell if they are infected or not...
I mean sure, drugs such as PCP make people violent. PCP is one of many drugs that causes an effect called 'delirium'. Delirium is a state where the body's organs feel like they are on fire and the drug user feels the need to be naked. And sure it is possible that Rudy could have been tripping balls on a form of acid that makes a person violent while experiencing delirium making him think he was eating filet mignon...but how is that more likely than the possibility of a super virus escaping an underground lab somewhere and infecting homeless people turning them into mindless flesh-eating monsters incapable of intelligible speech! Or the other very possibility - the dead are rising from their graves to eat us! Wasn't that possibility mentioned by Jesus? After he became a zombie?
This is why we have to prepare now! Let's stockpile all the essentials: like Twinkies! Never underestimate how important these things are! The whole plot to Zombieland revolved around a bad-ass zombie killer trying to find a box of them! It's the old "If you store them, he will come" scenario. And since everyone lived in that movie, this is your best chance at survival. Okay, so Bill Murray died, but he was already pretending to be a zombie anyway and if that doesn't qualify you as already dead - I don't know what does!
Another thing to remember is that regular guns are nowhere near as effective as everyday household objects for fighting off legions of mindless flesh eating monsters. Look at the game Dead Rising. You could kill zombies with Nerf ball launchers and ping pong balls. Those are a lot easier to find than ammunition for a 12 gauge!
And since zombies can open doors in movies and they typically aren't enough to break windows, just get enough canned raviolis to wait them out - eventually they will starve! Zombies also can't swim...so maybe just get a houseboat for a weekend. By the time you go to get your deposit back, they will have all perished!
Actually...I am beginning to think that these guys really aren't much of a threat. Anything you can kill with a Nerf gun is about as dangerous as tadpoles...and since the only way that a Nerf gun can kill tadpoles is by absorbing the water they swim in, I give the advantage in a zombie vs tadpole fight to the amphibians.
Basically after reviewing everything I know about zombies, if one manages to kill you then you probably have only lived this long out of sheer luck. You are probably the type to blow dry your hair in the shower in an effort to save time! Or you use a fork as a toast extraction tool. Or you, like, lick exposed wires.
Which brings me back to Rudy's victim...
Maybe the guy Rudy was trying to eat just thought they were going hug and make out. Because I know I would be excited to have a random homeless guy rushing at me with his mouth open and arms wide open!
Rudy's unaware victim, is now in critical condition at the hospital...this victim had no warning about the zombies...he wasn't prepared...
Will you be?

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