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Thursday, August 30, 2012

It's An Anorexic World After All

Folks, the fashion world has long told us that skinny is in. And I am not talking about a healthy, actually achievable through regular exercise and a good diet, skinny - I am referring to looking so skinny that you appear to have a deadly disease! Fashion models, who look like they are dying of starvation, have tried to teach young girls that this look is the only attractive look. And who can disagree, after all everyone remembers that Teela had a crush on Skeletor!
The problem is that most of these models look like they have been doing 8 balls of coke for months. Maybe this is their idea of saving the planet? They eat one teaspoon of food a week and get all of the rest of their nourishment from crack? This would ensure that animals and plant-life could flourish since they would be too emaciated to catch potatoes! 
Which brings me to the subject of today's blog: The Disney Corporation. Walt Disney created a bunch of lovable cartoons way back in the day. These cartoons tried to spread messages appropriate to youth. Messages like: "A talented woman can sing, cook, AND clean" (Snow White), and "you don't need your own voice so long as you get the man of your dreams" (The Little Mermaid). And let's not forget this little gem: "though he may keep you imprisoned and he may psychologically abuse you, he really is a prince deep down" (Beauty and the Beast). And then there is the overall theme of: "without a man, you are F***ed!"
These uplifting messages have helped shape generations of women. Now, Disney is wanting to add another message to its growing list of abhorrent anecdotes. The new message is "the only beautiful woman is one that suffers from anorexia or bulimia."
That's right, Disney wants young women to idolize fashion models. This week, Barney's of New York has let images of their upcoming holiday gala slip to the media...images of a new...updated...Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck, and Goofy. 
The new images are courtesy of Dennis Freedman, Barney's Creative Director and are part of Barney's "Electric Holiday" fashion set.
I didn't know that stick figures were considered art! If I had, I may have gone into designing fashion! After all, those are the only things I can draw! Did anyone ever consider that may be the only reason fashion designers make such small clothing? Because when they sketch it out, they can only doodle stick figures and rather than admit that their drawings suck - they claim they did it on purpose?
Minnie looks like she is in the last stages of the AIDS virus! Is Disney also advocating that young girls have lots of promiscuous sex so they can eventually get infected and then ultimately look like that? I've seen toothpicks with more meat on them. Is she even a mouse still? She looks creepy. Like she is going to become a zombie and eat me or something.
Then there is the new Daisy. Daisy Duck now has breasts. I never realized that before. I guess it is fitting, since that would be the part of poultry I would order at KFC, but on a children's cartoon duck? Of the three images, she is (and this is not saying much) the least creepy. She looks like the girl next door - if she hadn't eaten for seven years. 
Goofy is also appalling. He looks like a member of Jersey Shore. Are they going for the pedophile look? His facial expression says "come here little girl and get your surprise out of my pocket". He is even rocking out the skinny jeans! He's supposed to be like 30, you don't wear that shit at 30! Hell, guys shouldn't wear it at 9. The only part of his outfit that I like is the scarf, but that's only because I would actually wear that. 
The images aren't the only thing that is being prepared for Barney's. No, they are also getting a short film to go along with them. I just wonder if it is a porno, because that is what all these characters look like they are part of. Cue the cheesy music, and watch as Mickey Mouse gets it on with Daisy and Minnie at the same time!
Which reminds me, where are the images of the new Mickey? Are they saving that as a surprise? Is it even more creepy? Will he have a goatee or maybe even a full beard? Maybe he will be designed to look like a biker? And where is Donald? Maybe Dennis Freedman will play up the angry duck's Sailor image and make it more in line with The Village People? 
I just wonder what messages Disney will promote next. Maybe a joyful tale of gangland violence centered in the Hundred Acre Wood? Or perhaps, Chip and Dale will join the association that shares their names?

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Republicans LOVE babies (they just legitimately hate women and children)

Folks, I am disturbed. Disturbed that people like Paul Abrams and The Huffington Post seem to be suggesting that there is an unified government movement to deny women control of their own bodies. To think that a well respected news organization would promote such obvious conspiracy theories hurts my soul. I have to ask, "Where is the proof?"
Oh sure, you can point out Republican Senate hopeful Todd Aiken and use him as a scapegoat. Just because he said that "legitimate rape doesn't occur in pregnancy" and that because of that he wants to ban abortions even in the case of rape or incest. This is because, despite the fact that statistics show that at least 32,000 pregnancies occur from rapes annually, Aiken knows his facts because he got them from a source more trusted than mere science - Jesus. After all Jesus said that the world was made in a mere 7 days, not the billions of years that scientists claim, and if they are wrong about that little tidbit then what else are they wrong about?
Todd later admitted that he misspoke when he made that comment - that's because he didn't mean to say the thoughts that are in his head out loud! Besides, it's not like the rest of the Republican Party is backing this guys draconian doctrine - only the Vice Presidential hopeful Paul Ryan. And it's not like they have an agenda against women - they only voted to block the Violence Against Women Act because they have a penis. If women want to end violence against them, maybe they should all get penises too!
Also, it must be noted that if the potential Vice President supports this guy, doesn't that mean that the potential President does as well? After all, Mitt hand-picked Ryan to be his wing-man. So I guess I should say that no one is supporting this guy except the two top dogs of the Republican Party, but they aren't that important.
But other than these two instances, I doubt anyone could name even one case of the government moving to make women equal to cattle - meaning they are only useful for breeding purposes! It's not like any state is going to penalize a woman for not living up to her potential as breeding stock. Sure, groups are going to point out House Bill 2625 from Arizona - a bill that prevents employers from having to pay for contraceptives for female employees. But, I bet that they didn't even consider women as baby dispensers when they wrote in the bill that "a woman can be fired if she knowingly used contraceptive to prevent a pregnancy". It also demands "that a woman must show evidence of a medical need" for any contraceptive she uses. Critics will claim that is demeaning and dehumanizing, but Arizona knows what is at stake - welfare! If more women protect themselves against unwanted pregnancies, the number of people on welfare might go down and Republicans can't have that! They have to keep women pregnant so that poor people can blame welfare recipients for all of the financial problems our country has! If more states don't take the same stance, Americans may start blaming corporations and the wealthy for having to pay higher taxes.
Republicans just love babies - and they know that if women have them, they will too!
Which is the only reason Kansas revoked the medical license of Dr. Ann Neuhaus. Dr Neuhaus stole the joy from a 10-year-old girl who became pregnant through incest and rape by giving her an abortion. Sure, a 10-year-old child is a child and shouldn't have a baby, but Republicans actually hate children. They just like babies. And only American babies - f*** everyone elses babies! Don't believe me, just watch how Republicans will wage war on terrorists in foreign countries by bombing civilian residences where babies (and possibly terrorists) may live!
So, Huffington...I think you should be ashamed for misconstruing the Republican Party's agenda. They only have our best interests at heart. Women should be grateful that a political party cares so much about their bodies that they will legislate how they can use them. It's not like us men will ever know such love from our government - mainly because we would never allow it.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Extorted At 30,000 Feet

Folks, normally when I am discussing the high flying hi-jinks of the airline industry I am referring to either the TSA or Jet Blue Airlines. Who can forget the "Misadventures of Clayton Osbun and The Quest to Visit Jesus"? Or how about the "Toddler of Terror: TSA finds the Most Dangerous Threat to Grace Our Friendly Skies"? Hell, this time I am not even talking about that guy who turned his dead cat into a "Kitty Kopter"!
No, today we are going to talk about some car-pooling an airplane. See, if you aren't rotating out drivers, you are expected to chip in for gas, right? This is in edition to the payment you make in the form of coffee's or doughnuts or lunches. So why shouldn't airlines have a similar rule?
Well apparently, Air France does! This past Wednesday, Air France Flight 562 was forced to make an emergency landing in Damascus, Syria. Now this could be understandable...maybe an engine went out...or maybe a rabid squirrel was running amok...or maybe they were filming "Snakes on a Plane 2". But no, the truth is much more horrifying - the plane had run out of gas.
They had just left Paris on a flight Lebanon...and couldn't make it. That's like a 30 second flight. Even on empty they could have been able to just coast into their destination...but no, apparently they had to land to fill up. This doesn't seem like a complicated issue. Just land at an airport and use the company credit card to fuel up the plane...only...Air France must not have had a company credit card...because they asked their passengers to pony up for the gas if they wanted to reach their destination!
That's right - they actually asked their passengers to buy the gas for the trip! Isn't that included in the ticket fare? When you buy a plane ticket, isn't it just assumed that the ticket covers the entire cost of the flight?
But that would be way off the mark to make those assumptions, because Air France obviously uses "airpooling" rules! See, the ticket you purchase just reserves you a seat, kinda like buying coffee for the guy driving your carpool does. If you actually want to go somewhere, you have to offer additional compensation!
Obviously the passengers were all up to date on airpool etiquette, because after they were asked to contribute gas money, they raised £17,000! These guys know what the score is!
Now I know what you Americans are thinking: "Isn't that extortion?" What is to stop other airlines from following a similar policy? What if they tried to extort money using other tactics like sending the plane into a nose dive then selling parachutes from $5,000 a piece?
Well, the answer is simple: nothing. I think the airline industry needs to spice things up to make flying more exciting and they need to create ways to become and stay profitable! Think about it, if you never knew what random thing could happen in flight that would require monetary donations in order to survive, wouldn't that make the flight much less boring? Hell, who needs an in-flight movie with this business model!
They could come up with hundreds of great ways to nickel and dime flyers! Besides, since this extortion takes place at 30,000 feet, does it even count as a crime? Isn't there an International Air Policy that limits liability due too the lack of governance over the atmosphere? They should technically be able to murder you and not be held liable!
When I had first heard of this story, I was told that it involved Jet Blue Airlines. I, of course, believed that because let's face it - Jet Blue is the airline equivalent of the movie "Titanic". That's because it was an over-hyped piece of crap that everyone was secretly looking forward to sinking at the end - after we were forced to listen to Celine Dion for 3 1/2 hours and watch the most far-fetched romance this side of the one in Marky Mark's "Planet of the Apes"!
But, I was wrong...this didn't involve Jet Blue at, I offer an apology to them.
Dear Jet Blue,
I am sorry that I thought you had come up with the most revolutionary idea in the history of flying. I thought that maybe you were trying to further redefine air transportation much like you did with your "Voyage to Jesus", only this time in a crazy like a fox way - not a bat shit crazy way! I am sorry that someone else trumped your shrewdness and successfully convinced patrons to pay for what could at first be considered bad judgment or improper management.
The Airline company didn't actually take their passengers money...maybe they traded croissants for the jet fuel? Regardless, it all worked out and they flew them straight on to their destination. That's probably because this was just a test of the new Airpool Rules that Europe will soon be using and they needed to see how likely passengers would be to accepting them!
Air France, I commend your bold attempt at establishing new Airpool guidelines and can't wait to see this imported into our own airline systems! 

Saturday, August 4, 2012

My Triple X Rated Constituency

Folks, I have come across enough circumstantial evidence, and completely spurious correlations, to make the following assertion: Mitt Romney must enjoy porn. And I don't mean that he enjoys it like most men do, I mean he enjoys it like a man getting a massive endorsement from the massively endowed!
That's because since announcing his intent to run for President of the United States, he has received three declarations of support from three famous porn stars.
First up was the showing of support from gay porn juggernaut, Michael Lucas. For those who are unfamiliar, Lucas started in gay porn way back in or around 1996. He then moved to both acting and directing in 1998, after he opened his own production studio using money he had earned as an escort. Earlier this year after being asked his feelings on Mitt Romney, he said "of course I will support the former Massachusetts Governor." I wonder, if Romney wins, will he allow the man who started the wagon rolling to escort him to the Inaugural Ball?
That's right...Lucas started up the Romney bandwagon, and he wouldn't be riding in it alone. Just a few weeks ago, porn legend Ron Jeremy proclaimed Romney to be "a good man" and an "amazing father". That's like Planned Parenthood getting a donation from the Pope. You see, my opinion of Ron Jeremy is: he is like a figure from an urban legend. I still can't believe that anyone would pay that ugly, fat bastard to get naked and have sex on film. I also can't believe that any woman with one somewhat working eye would agree to it. Ron Jeremy taught me that I was too pretty, too tall, and thin to ever make porn. He made me embarrassed to strip down and show off my athletic body to blind women because I was afraid that my non-porn star body would curse her into seeing it which would just make her blind again. Getting this guys approval should make the election a sure thing for Romney!
And then, just this week...Jenna Jameson stroked the Republican Party's Ego when she announced her support for Mitt Romney. Jenna is quoted saying, "I'm very looking forward to a Republican being back in office," and that,  "When you're rich, you want a Republican in office."
Now this three-way of endorsements could be the edge that puts Romney on top. Although, he may want to swap positions and get under his constituency from time to time.
Now I have a few questions about all of this...first, will Romney swallow his pride and spit-out his connection to the porn industry? After all, shouldn't we have a right to know who our candidates are in bed with? Also, should current President Barack Obama feel-out these potential game changing voters? After all, the only reason we know about DVD's is because the porn industry backed them over their competitor, the Laser Disk. If the rest of the porn industry blows off our current President by showing love to Romney, will Obama be re-electable?
I think Romney should embrace these new sponsors because they have the ability to touch more potential voters than any other medium. Maybe he should make guest appearances with Debbie as she does things.
Of course, if Romney doesn't get elected to the White House with the website that ends in "dot gov", he can always take a job at the white house who's website ends in "dot com". Maybe he can co-star with Jeremy, Lucas, and Jameson in the XXX-rated remake called "A Few Good Men (one of whom is also a great dad)".

Thursday, August 2, 2012

I'm Feeling A Little Green

Folks, everyone has a celebrity crush - mine is that blue haired girl from Sailor Moon! These are people who we think are extremely sexy, but know we can never have in the real world. They should be viewed as a topic of laughter and role-playing. They should never be the source of jealous rages! Those should be reserved for that one guy in the restaurant who keeps eyeing your boyfriend like he is a piece of meat!
Besides, it's not as if we all haven't felt the sting of jealousy's cold embrace. I, for instance, get jealous whenever Joan pays more attention to her homemade Mango Sorbet than she does to me. It's like she craves it...needs it...I'm gonna go punch it in the face...*stops self and inserts deep breath here*
Anyway, Lowell Turpin, 40, is a man who forgot that celebrity crushes are just make believe. Lowell, also forgot that the person his girlfriend was caught looking at pictures of on Facebook was indeed a celebrity - he thought it was a picture of a guy who worked at The Breadbox in Anderson County, Tennessee. Then again, do politicians count as celebrities? I ask this because the guy he thought his girlfriend was having an affair with was none other than Mitt Romney.
Lowell had long suspected that his girlfriend, Crystal Grey aged 38, was having an affair with a guy she worked with. Lowell and Grey had been arguing that morning, and Grey was set to escape by going grocery shopping.
It was at this point that Lowell saw several images of a strange man on Ms Grey's Facebook page...a man that Lowell was sure worked at the grocery store that Grey wanted to flee to! So, Lowell did what any calm, rational, educated person would do when confronted with seeing a strange, sadly unfamiliar man on his significant other's social media site - he went bat shit crazy.
When Grey told him that it was, indeed, the Republican Presidential candidate, Lowell became enraged supposedly calling her a lying bitch before snatching her laptop from her hands. Maybe he did know he was wrong at this point, but knowing how many politicians cheat, he was not comforted.
After looking at Lowell, I must wonder if the (I can only assume blind) girlfriend could actually be a contender for Mitt's affections. It's not like politicians are overly picky about what their significant others look like: case in point, a young Laura Bush and former president George W Bush...she could have done way better!
Anyway back to our story...Lowell smashed the laptop on the wall, and then he punched her in the face. He should have taken a deep breath after smashing the laptop...because Grey called authorities and had Lowell arrested. She told authorities that he had been violent many times in their relationship over the years.
Now I get that some people feel jealousy equals love, but I have never bought into that theory.  I know many women that feel their men don't truly love them unless they show jealousy. These girls think that infatuation is measured in black eyes and broken china. For them assault is like crack - one slap and they are addicted. I would never date one of them, but that's because I have an inability to show genuine affection...That's why I say that if a person is crazy enough to hit you, then you should immediately walk away.

Or maybe the media is getting the whole thing all wrong...maybe, Lowell went into a rage because he couldn't believe his partner would vote Republican...I can completely relate to this! I think I would rather find out that Joan were having an affair, than learn that she was voting for that guy! (I am also sure that if Joan felt that I was planning to vote for Santorum or Romney, that she would beat me up too!)
Unfortunately, I find it hard to feel much sympathy for Ms Grey. I admit that I don't know much about her outside of this piece, but the fact that she has stayed for years of violence dampens my empathy. It is hard for me to understand why anyone, especially when no children are involved, would put up with such behavior. I should also note that I am happy that there are no children involved because the thought of an illiterate savage like Lowell breeding makes me sad for the future of humanity. I wonder if the Republicans realize that a big part of their constituency doesn't even recognize their Presidential candidate?
Maybe now that Lowell is locked up for this incident, Grey will realize that brutality and adoration aren't synonymous - I should know, I just looked them up!
Regardless, as Americans we say we are waging wars on why don't we put an end to the terror we inflict on each other in the name of love?