Total Pageviews

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Getting Off The Horse

Sometimes when I am hammered, I like to go for a ride...but not just ANY ride. I want to hop on a pony and head out into the sunset - chasing a whiskey high and a setting sun. Think about it - drunken horseback riding is perfectly legal in most places, and there is nothing like being a drunken asshole towards an animal that can trample you to death once you pass out and fall from the saddle. This is probably the best part about being a cowboy - taking shots every time your mount pulls on its bridal. Do you know what I mean? Anybody?
Well, Charles Larkin Cowart, 29, understands me. Just this past Monday, Charles was arrested for operating a large mammal while intoxicated (Technically he was just charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest without violence).
The tiny town of Bunnell, Florida was rocked in scandal when Charles took his dad's horse on a drunken joyride through town. Concerned citizens informed law enforcement that a drunk guy was trampling around on a horse. When the police arrived on the scene to confront Charles, Charles told them that he didn't have time to be pulled over because "he was on his way to grand-ma's house". Reports didn't say if he was wearing a red hoodie when he was arrested, but he may have alluded to the fact that a wolf was meeting him there for cookies.
When the police insisted he dismount, Charles did the only thing a dutiful drunken grandson can - he caused the horse to rear up on the po-po and made a break for the border! Charles led the police on a spectacular chase around the sleepy little hamlet that lasted thirty minutes, and finally ended on a set of train tracks when the horse decided to stop running. Maybe the horse knew that it could plea bargain a lesser charge by turning itself in because Charles was unable to coax the beast into moving anymore.
As a train hurtled towards them, the horse faced certain death with a smile and Charles puked over the side of his saddle bags...fortunately the police were able to get the train stopped long before it endangered the dynamic duo, but this didn't help the cops with their biggest problem - how do you get a drunk man off of a 900lb animal? It's not like they could just shoot him! After all, the horse was black and think of the media shitstorm that would have caused if they missed Charles and hit the horse! People would have said the cops were racist speciest anti-horse. So the police did the best thing they could - they called his dad! His dad then proceeded to knock Charles off the F***ing horse with a bat!
Finally, Charles knew he was caught, so he did what any reasonable man would do in this situation - he flipped the bird and took off on foot. Cops quickly overtook the man as he ran...and by ran, I mean he stumbled aimlessly and tripped over his own feet.
Charles isn't the only one to be recently arrested for this crime. Back in September of 2004, a case came before the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania involving a defendant named Noel. The Court ruled that because the horse is a living animal, it didn't qualify as a vehicle so Noel couldn't be charged with a D.U.I.
 I think next week I will go to Philadelphia, get drunk, and ride a lion around town - so not only do I not have to worry about a D.U.I, but my  DD comes with claws!
After all, what possible dangers could a living, thinking creature pose if the person experienced in handling it is three-sheets to the wind and screaming "go faster, bulls-eye" into its ears.
Charles was also charged with cruelty to animals, which I can only assume is because he disrespected his designated driver by not offering to buy him dinner. After all, if it were cruel to handle horses while drunk, we would have laws against it...

Friday, September 28, 2012

Let Them Eat Cake

Folks, when I go shopping, I always use my EBT card. Sometimes, I buy food and other times I trade it food for crack, but that is beside the point. What I am trying to say is that I know how embarrassing it is to go shopping with a food stamp card. Because even if you aren't trading food for drugs, everyone else in the store will think that you are! This is why I am sympathetic to Cindy Nerger of Warner Robbins, GA.
Last week while shopping at Kroger Supermarket in her hometown, Nerger found herself the object of ridicule. As she was checking out using her food stamp card (EBT), the manager decided it was his place to give her a piece of his mind. He allegedly told her, "Excuse me for working for a living and not relying on food stamps!"
The manager's statement was in response to a dispute Nerger had over whether or not certain items were covered by the EBT program - it turns out Nerger was correct. The manager finally just "gave her the items" and then made his callous remark.
Cindy was humiliated. People had started to line up behind her and they all heard the managers statement. Kroger had to do something to show the world that they like poor people and that disrespecting a customer couldn't be they gave her a $15 gift card and gave the manager a promotion.
Wait...what? So, I tell a customer that smoking is bad, I get a week off without pay...this guy tells a woman that he hates her money and thinks she is beneath him, and he get a transfer and a pat on the back? I didn't realize Kroger was owned by Mitt "I Hate 47% of all Americans" Romney! But now this makes perfect sense.
Look at it like this: Kroger receives millions in tax payer money and gets tax breaks to reduce the amount of taxes it has to pay year single year, while Nerger maybe gets a few hundred bucks a month in welfare. Sure, they are both living off the government, but Kroger is making money off the government and off of you! That's the difference! If you are on welfare and work for minimum wage - scum! If you are on welfare and make millions - corporation!
This is why Kroger didn't fire the manager in question - or even demote him. He was just showing Republican pride! After all, if Romney is elected he plans to eliminate government assistance and that means poor people like Nerger can't afford food. Which means that theft will go up, and stock will go down at places like Kroger. And that's just what Kroger needs. If theft goes up and they post losses, they can take even more government handouts - just like the banking industry did not too long ago! And if we stop giving welfare to poor people there will be more money to give to the wealthy!
After all, the rich made all their money by exploiting the why stop the cycle now?

Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Pirate's Life For Me

Folks, I am just winding down from celebrating one of my favorite holidays. Every September 19th, I gather with friends and family and we take part in "National Talk Like a Pirate Day." Sure, I know what you're saying - "Samael, hasn't this been stolen by people who worship rigatoni?" The short answer is: yes it has! But the Jews now celebrate Christmas because Santa brings better gifts, so who cares!
Well even if you don't celebrate this amazing holiday - Alison Whelan, 51, of England does! I thought I was living it up with my stuffed parrot and eye-patch, but my party wasn't anywhere near as cool as hers. Because when Whelan celebrates, man, does she go all out! And by "goes all out" I mean she hijacks boats.
That's right, on September 19th of 2012 a woman was arrested because she yelling "Argh" as she untied a ferry from a dock in a hamlet near London. Witnesses claim that she was yelling "I'm a pirate" and "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow" as the ferry floated aimlessly in the harbor of Devon, England.
At one point, Whelan looked as if she was suffering a seizure which prompted two paramedics to attempt to board the runaway vessel. Whelan instantly became violent and valiantly forced the two technicians to return to shore and wait for the police.
Whelan allegedly laughed as she "brought the ferry into ramming speed" and "collided with several boats docked in the harbor." I can hear that song by The Lonely Island playing in my head as I picture this, can't you? I'll bet that every time she collided with something that Michael Bolton jumped out of a hatch screaming "Jack Sparrow!"
I'll be honest, I have a hard time telling which one of these pictures is Whelan and which one is Sparrow...The resemblance is uncanny, I think Disney should hire her to be Johnny Depp's body double.
To be honest, when I first saw this news story I thought it would be about the time Keith Richards had taken a boat for a joyride while he was tripping balls. I wouldn't have been too far from the truth since Whelan was not only drunk but tripping on nightshade. Nightshade (a deadly poisonous flower) apparently causes kick ass hallucinations before you die.
Police eventually subdued Ms Whelan and took her into custody. By the end of her rampage she had caused thousands of British pounds worth of damage to the area. She was sentenced to not quite 6 months and charged a 100 pound fine...
She may have set out on a grand voyage for Tortuga, but she ended up sailing straight to the slammer. I guess in the end, a pirate's life is better off lived by someone other than me.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Weighing The Odds Of Getting Out Alive

Folks, there are many reasons for offering a stay of execution to death row inmates: lack of evidence, finding new evidence, or having an attorney that can adequately present the evidence. Basically, all the reasons revolve around the evidence. However, the Ohio attorneys who are representing Ronald Post have come up with another reason for overturning a death sentence. They claim their client is "too fat to be executed."
It turns out that Post weighs in at 480 lbs.
Apparently being morbidly obese can cause several problems for prison executioners. Problems like "not having a gurney sturdy enough to hold him" or "being able to find a vein among all the blubber."
Ronald was convicted in 1984 of the brutal murder of Helen Vantz.
Which brings me to an interesting question - how is a man serving in a prison morbidly obese? Aren't they only fed bread and water? Don't they have a gym?
It turns out that they have a gym and Ronald actually attended it once until "the exercise bike he was using broke under his immense weight."
Prison officials did not disclose what Post eats on a daily basis, I can only assume that he ate planets. This may very well be true because according to statistics from National Health Institute 29.6% of Ohio's population is listed as overweight. Ohio is currently tied with Kansas for 13th place out of 50 for Most Overweight State in the Union. I say Ohio, don't give up - just eat a few more combo meals at lunch and you can go all the way to the top!
The attorneys filings go on to say:

"Indeed, given his unique physical and medical condition there is a substantial risk that any attempt to execute him will result in serious physical and psychological pain to him, as well as an execution involving a torturous and lingering death."

 Yes, executing someone can bring serious physical harm! After all, how much more serious can you get than dead? It can also bring psychological consequences - at least for a few minutes until the poison kicks in. These psychological pains are usually a direct result of knowing you are about to die because you killed someone.
Post maintains that he didn't kill her. This is after he confessed to killing her in 1984 and after he discovered they would seek the death penalty for it. But I think he could be innocent! Or at least, he should be given a chance to speak to the American people about his case and plead his life. He could go onto a widely respected news program and explain how he was framed - a program like The Jerry Springer Show! If they filmed this moments before his execution then this would solve at least one problem, Jerry would be responsible for getting him out of his cell! I know they have plenty of experience fork-lifting people out of their homes!
Folks, I don't know what more there is to say, but the fact is if Debra Lafave can stay out of prison because she is too pretty, then can't Post avoid the death penalty for being too fat?

Monday, September 17, 2012

I'd Vote For You, But You're Way Too Smart

Folks, we now know who the GOP wants as its client base. On Saturday, former presidential candidate, Rick Santorum announced that "the church and the family" will sustain the Republican Party. Unless the family is comprised of "smart people", because according to Santorum, "smart people will never be on our side."
And why should we want them anyway? All they will do is bring us down with all their science and facts. I say we burn them at the stake for witchcraft. Republicans know that the only people who will vote for them maintain season passes to SmackDown.
It is refreshing to see a member of one of the major political parties admit that the key to being a major player within the party is to be the smartest idiot in the room. It's like that movie Idiocracy - only without the cool time travel aspects or the even cooler Luke Wilson.
Let's just face it: facts are boring. And science gives most of us a headache. Global warming doesn't matter because Jesus didn't warn us about it! He did, however, warn us about a seven headed dragon that will descend from the heavens devouring wayward souls while bees with stingers in their tails bring down the cities of men. Can science predict or explain any of that? I didn't think so...
For example, take how "smart people's" science attempts to explain that the reason the oceans turn blood-red is because of red tide. Science makes the claim that red tide occurs as the result of thousands of "red" algae that developed a taste for sushi. Well I tell you what America, I'm not buying it! Algae is green, duh! So, why don't we call it green tide? Is it because the real reason the oceans turned to blood is because an angel poured vials of the stuff directly into the oceans? Yeah, I thought so too. I didn't even need a smart person to explain my version to me either!
Also, science keeps trying to convince me that the earth was created over billions of years...billions are something served by McDonald's and I know that the earth magically sprang into existence after a mere week.
Folks, think of where we would be without smart people. We could all be wearing furs and eating any animal that we could kill with a stick! Our homes would be much roomier mainly because we would still be sleeping outside. It would be like camping - only with loin cloths as our only covering. We would also be in a lot better shape because no one will have invented a wheel.
No written language or system of mathematics means never having to file our taxes. I see all of this as a win - win!
So, Santorum, I salute you! It takes a special kind of person to admit that no one with any intelligence would ever abide by the platform your party claims to follow. So long as you keep making statements like this one, I will never be out of work.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Wax On While Getting Off

Folks, I cannot count the number of times that I have told my readers that money is tight. In this bad economy, vendors should be offering any and every incentive to convince consumers to purchase their goods or use their services. We all just want a little more "bang for our buck."
One Car Wash in Malaysia has hit on a novel approach to retaining customers through its loyalty rewards card program. Now usually these types of cards mean we get a free desert or a free up-size on our value meal purchase...maybe a discount...perhaps an autographed poster... After all they are all about making the consumer loyal by bribing them with more of what they want. And this Car Wash knows that what we all want is: sex.
That's right, by joining their Reward Club you get free sex after a pre-determined amount of car wash purchases. How many times do you need to wash your car to get laid? Well, at this particular car wash the answer is nine. On your tenth trip to the car wash, you get to cozy up with a prostitute and all it may cost you is the penicillin you will need afterwards.
Residents of Kuala Lumpur probably had the shiniest cars in Malaysia. Hell, I'll bet the paper boy was even driving his bike through to earn points.
This is revolutionary! Why aren't we doing this everywhere? Sure, prostitution is illegal and you will probably catch a disease, but no business venture is without risk! This Car Wash is providing several necessary services: 1) they are giving a great shopping incentive to consumers which could jump start the economy, 2) they are keeping hookers at work in a place that has showers, and 3) they are providing divorce attorneys an easy way to ensure their clients get nice settlements.
I think that Pat Robertson should jump on this 'sin'sational bandwagon.
Think about it like this, he (and other religious misogynists like him) could use the idea to increase membership in their flocks. After all, Robertson hates women and he recently encouraged people to slap down their wives. That is only step away from PIMP! He could rename his show The 700 Serviced Club. Besides, assuming Robertson isn't gay, I wonder how much experience he has with prostitutes? 
Unfortunately, the Malaysian Car Wash was shut down by police. What had started as an enterprising venture in the exploitation of Vietnamese women was finished almost as quickly as it began. Police uncovered the sex ring while investigating massage parlors accused of offering a happy endings to their customers. They had set up a sting on the parlors and what they found there surprised them - many of the men arrested possessed the reward card for the Car Wash.
Something about this story puts a whole new meaning on the idea of a wash and a wax.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

We Are Just "Pat"ting Islam On The Back

Folks, good advice doesn't always mean that it is politically correct advice. That is why I applaud Pat Robertson, Televangelist, for telling it like it is on his show The 700 Club. Pat was answering calls on his show, when a viewer named Michael asked him a hard question. A question about marriage. And about saving it. Michael went on to say that his marriage was failing and that his wife "no longer respects me as the head of the house."
Pat could have asked Michael to list all of the stupid things that he had done to cause his wife to no longer look up to him. Pat could have suggested couples counseling and romance. Pat could have told Michael to talk to his wife in honest, engaging dialog in which he shut up and actually listened to what she had to say...but that would be copping out America! Because Pat knows that the only thing Michael could do to effectively save his marriage is "convert to Islam and then you can beat her" into sticking around. Because Pat knows it's not domestic violence if you use the "hand of God" to lay the smack-down on her! Pat goes on to tell Michael, "I don’t think we condone wife-beating these days but something has got to be done to make her." That's right, beating your spouse isn't illegal - it's just not condoned! It's kind of like leaving the dinner table without being excused - you won't get in trouble, but it is frowned upon!
Back in 2007, Robertson gave us his thoughts on Islam. On the June 12th episode of The 700 Club, Robertson stated, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have to recognize that Islam is not a religion. It is a worldwide political movement meant on domination of the world. And it is meant to subjugate all people under Islamic law." So by suggesting to Michael that the best way to save his marriage would be to convert to Islam, he is in fact suggesting that all Christians should convert to Islam. That's because it wouldn't betray Christ to give up being a Christian since Islam is not a religion - its politics! You would just become a Christian-Muslim! I wonder if that is like a Christian-Scientist? Regardless, it would not be any more different than a millionaire voting Democrat in the next election! You aren't sacrificing your beliefs, you are just accepting a better way of life.
After all, Robertson claimed in that episode that American Muslim's are the Diet Pepsi of the Muslim community - same great taste without the "death to the infidel".
Then he went on in that monologue to say that Muslim's would "want to impose Sharia on you." He wasn't warning us to avoid them, he was inviting us to accept it!
He even mentions how women will be treated immediately after that invitation! "And before long, ladies are going to be dressed in burqas and whatever garments they would put on them, and next thing you know, men are going to be allowed to have wife-beating and you'll be beheading adulterers and so on and so forth." Originally viewers thought he was chastising the Muslim ways, but now we know that  these matters speak right to his heart.
It's obvious that Robertson was waiting for just such a call like Michael's so that he could express his true views on the future of Christianity! Think about it, if we all convert to Islam then there will no longer be tensions between Muslims and Christians! Besides, those prayer mats could also be used for practicing yoga.
Switching to Islam just makes sense, because it will help end feminism which we all know that Robertson thinks is an abomination. Despite the fact that Sociologists define feminism as equality for women, Robertson knows that "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." If we allow women the same rights as men, they will become lesbians that kill babies who practice witchcraft! We cannot allow those witch-babies to die!
Folks, I think we should hear what Reverend Robertson is telling us. It's not the first time he has advised us to take hard actions that many people may consider bat-shit crazy. After all, he has suggested that we "drop a small nuke" on the State Department "to shake things up", and that we should assassinate Hugo Chavez because "if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it."
At least one person may be warming up to some of these thoughts, Mitt Romney spent the weekend hanging out with Robertson. Maybe this means that Romney has left the "cult of Mormonism" to embrace a purer, more godly way of life?

Friday, September 7, 2012

This Is a Public Service Exaggeration

Folks, the government has finally admitted the secret truth - a zombie apocalypse is looming! Yesterday the Department for Homeland Security released a "Zombie Preparedness Guide" that mimics the survival rules laid out in the movie Zombieland. This guide was originally written last year in a blog by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) - supposedly as a joke. Well, look who's joking now CDC! Homeland Security has flat out revealed the existence of zombies by telling people to prepare for them! We now know zombies exist because we all know that the people of Homeland Security don't own a sense of humor!
Finally conspiracy theorists can pat themselves on the back because this marks the first time the government has acknowledged the existence of something they previously denied existed! What's next Homeland Security? Will you finally reveal Bigfoot? Or the Loch Ness Monster? Or wait, perhaps you will finally admit that there are four humanoid-like turtles living in the sewers of New York City studying martial arts under a Japanese rat?
This is cause for celebration! But, it is also a cause for great anxiety...because, now we know zombies are real! That means we have to worry that every homeless person that reaches out towards us for change is actually attempting to eat us!
But now the question is, "where did they come from?" Perhaps hidden inside of the blog are context clues to tell us the origins of these menacing creatures. The CDC blog tells us that their favorite zombie movie is "Resident Evil." Does this mean that someone in our government developed a highly contagious virus in a lab that resulted in the creation of zombies? Maybe this is accurate because they go on to mention the supposedly fictional virus Solanum as being the origin of all zombies! For those who do not know, the Solanum Virus is named as the cause of the zombie outbreaks in The Zombie Survival Guide by Max  Brooks.
Now that we figured out where it came from, we have to figure out how to survive it. Homeland Security offered plenty of advice like "shoot the person next to you" and "using your boyfriend as bait."
The other rules were stolen reminiscent of a certain movie that I mentioned above.
The CDC goes on to make a list of supplies that "you will need to make it until you can reach a zombie-free refugee camp." The supplies include (all taken directly from their website):

    1. Water (1 gallon per person per day). Wouldn't it be better to actually move into a houseboat on the water? All the facts I have on zombies suggest that they cannot swim.
    2. Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly). As I said in a previous zombie survival blog, bring Twinkies. This will ensure scary men with cowboy hats team up with you to stop the zombie horde.
    3. Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds). This is a good idea unless it was the LSD that you were hitting that caused you to see the zombies...then I would suggest leaving the medication at home.
    4. Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.) Guns. And a pair of garden shears. Oh and don't forget Little River Bands Greatest Hits! This way you can kill the undead and stay mellow.
    5. Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.) Deodorant. No one wants to smell you, even if it is the end of the world.
    6. Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets) Now is the time to start wearing Armani. After all if the shop keeper is lunch, then you don't have to pay!
    7. Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few) The best way to to win any war is to tie up your enemies with paperwork. They will be shuffling their way through so many documents that they just may die of starvation before they can chow down on you.
    8. First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you) These are to help the survivors who come after you become a member of the walking dead.
Folks, I say take their advice and stock up on everything that you need to survive. I would also suggest you take part in the "Zombie Races" to get your cardio up, after all Zombieland warned us that "for obvious reasons the fatties were the first to go."

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Yu-Gi-Uh Oh! We Are Going To Jail

Folks, I have a fever - a fever for Yu-Gi-Oh! cards! Man, it is more addictive than crack and just like with Pok√©mon - I wanna catch them all. I need new packs and special decks, but alas I am broke and cannot afford them...whatever can I do?
If you are 17-year-old Brandon Rhoads of Port St. Lucie, Florida, you concoct an elaborate scheme to acquire $20 of them. Brandon, along with an unnamed 14-year-old accomplice (actually I am surprised that Brandon's name was released considering he is under 18), allegedly devised a plan involving a badge, some plastic handcuffs, and deep voice could score them some legendary loot.
Courtesy of the Daily Mail
The 14-year-old entered a Wal-Mart there and proceeded to pick up the packs of cards. Brandon then entered and approached the Customer Service desk and asked the manager, Laura Dougherty, to page his accomplice so that he could arrest him. The manager asked to see some ID, so Brandon flashed a badge from his wallet. Even though the badge looked remarkable similar to the ones sold in the toy section, Laura complied with his request. She paged the boy to the counter. Upon seeing Brandon, the 14-year-old feigned fear! Brandon grabbed his friend roughly and spouted dialog more suited to an episode of Miami Vice. Brandon told the 14-year-old "you are going up the river" and "wait til lefty and the boys get a hold of you in the slammer". Brandon then put plastic handcuffs on him and escorted him outside.
The story could have ended there. Had Brandon forcibly shoved his accomplice into the backseat of his car, they could have gotten away with a brilliant plan. However, the two made a few dreadful mistakes...
First..who the hell uses plastic handcuffs? Joan and I don't even use them for our weird fetish games. If you aren't using ones made from unbreakable tempered steel, you are just wasting your time restraining someone! They have to feel the bite into their flesh to get the thrill of it all.
Second, Brandon removed the handcuffs the minute they stepped outside. Wal-Mart has like a trillion cameras - did you miss those Brandon? Not only that, but a kid arresting another kid is kind of suspicious and so Linda followed them outside and watched Brandon remove the handcuffs!
Third, why the hell were you using plastic handcuffs? Oh, wait I've said that...I mean, third, why would you think to do this at a place with like a trillion cameras? Wal-Mart is under more surveillance than Fort Knox! You would have a better chance of mugging the President and getting away with it than committing a crime at Wally World.
Besides, of all the things that you could steal from Wal-Mart, you choose a few packs of trading cards worth less than a steak dinner at Applebees? You impersonated a police officer, do you know what that means? You are getting charged with a felony, Brandon! You should have at least made it worth it! You should have gone for Magic: The Gathering, they have better street cred!
The dynamic duo fled on foot when they realized that the store manager had walked outside with them. They were soon picked up by police after they were found arranging their decks to be more suited to an aggressive play style near a local Chuckie Cheese. 
Brandon did say that he regretted getting caught and that his actions were "stupid". But I think we knew that by this point.
I must say this is definitely one for the People of Wal-Mart....

*You can read the full story here at the Daily Mail.*

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I Was Speeding Ahead, But Little Did I Realize It Was a Trap

Folks, I am happy to report that another criminal has been removed from our fair streets. Back on June 28th, Natalie Plummer thought she was providing a service to the people of Houston, Texas, but instead she found herself on the wrong side of the law. Natalie was on her way home from the grocery store on her bicycle when she noticed that police officers had set up a speed trap and were pulling people over. Natalie felt that it was her right as a "good citizen" to warn people to obey the law. So, she did what she thought any reasonable person would do, she wrote "speed trap" on one of her paper bags and stood on the sidewalk to warn people of the danger that was ahead.
Not long after she had begun her crusade to keep people on the right side of the law, an officer drove over and arrested her. Natalie was threatened with the felony charge of obstruction of justice - a crime that only exists after another crime has been committed, which is only a minor detail that cops in Texas don't care about! The cop charged her with standing in the middle of a busy street obstructing traffic - even though she never left the sidewalk. Natalie was held for 12 hours before posting bond.
Natalie, don't you realize that anytime you disagree with the police or their methods that you are then guilty of a crime?  The police make it clear over and over that the only use the law as a guideline not a rule! Didn't you ever hear about what happened to Rodney King? I'm pretty sure that the State of California doesn't have a law on its books that allows for the wanton beating of black people - yet look what happened! You are lucky this officer didn't rough you up as well!
Not only that, you may have put the cops in danger - of actually having to work! Think about it, pulling people over with a bunch of your buddies is easy and it makes you a lot of money...if people weren't breaking the law, then they would have to go out and do some actual police work. They would much rather give tickets than arrest drug dealers - mainly because they are afraid to visit the areas where many drug dealers live.
People may appear outraged about how your freedom of speech was restricted, Natalie, but that's because they don't understand how seditious your actions were! Your actions presented a "Clear and Present Danger" to Houston's ability to pay its bills. That phrase comes from a Harrison Ford movie loosely based on a Supreme Court ruling against a man named Schenck who's only crime was holding a sign up near a street corner protesting the draft! I repeat, his only crime was holding a sign up warning people about something the government was doing that he didn't agree with - he didn't cause a ruckus, he didn't burn his bra, he just stood on a street corner holding a sign that read "The draft is unconstitutional". And guess what Natalie: he went to jail too, - for much longer than 12 hours! You should be thankful that Texas didn't follow that precedent!
Folks, there is a moral lesson here...we live in a country of certain guaranteed freedoms...unless those freedoms infringe on our governments rights to do whatever it those cases our freedoms are only guaranteed after our sentence is served.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Nickel & Dimed Right Out Of A Job

Folks, The Internet is in an uproar over the firing of Richard Eggers. Eggers, 68, was a longtime customer service employee of Wells Fargo. In July, he was unceremoniously fired for a crime he committed in 1963. When Eggers was around 19 years of age, he committed one of the earliest cases of money laundering - meaning he placed a cardboard dime into a washing machine at a laundry mat in attempt to wash his clothes. He was convicted of operating a coin-changing machine using false means and then spent two days in jail.
The Internet is awash with comments crying foul at this. Don't they understand that Richard is a criminal - he is a convicted Misdemeanorian for Christ's sake! We can't allow people convicted of misdemeanors to handle our money! Imagine if you let any Tom, Dick, or Harry who had received a parking ticket to be responsible for giving you correct change at the Teller Counter - it could result in absolute chaos! Sure Eggers is an old man who probably will only get $150 a month in Social Security to pay all of his bills, but that isn't Wells Fargo's problem. If Eggers hadn't stolen from this laundry mat when he was a child, he would still be gainfully employed in a minimum wage job. We all know that misdemeanors stick with you for your entire life, he should have known that his crime would come back to haunt him over and over.
The Internet is also up in arms about the fact that the banks are reinterpreting Federal guidelines to not employ anyone convicted of transactional crimes - these are crimes involving some form of monetary exchange. The banks have begun firing low-level executives and employees, but are not even looking at their higher level employees. The Internet is angry that the banks are not targeting the upper-level executives. They want to know why the people who defrauded Americans and brought our nation to the verge of economic collapse while receiving millions in bonuses are being allowed to keep their jobs while poverty-stricken old people are being let go!
Don't you realize that those executives aren't criminals? It was Freddie Mac that ripped off millions of American taxpayers, not then CEO Richard Syron! Syron and the rest of Freddie Mac's Board of Directors chastised the company loudly for the decisions it made before they collected the millions in bonuses that they were entitled to. We have to remember that corporations are now legally individuals and therefore the people running them cannot be held responsible for the corporations actions. It's like when a parent has to take their shoplifting child back to apologize - the parent isn't liable to pay for anything!
That's why instead of firing the high-level executives, we should just fire the corporations! Because they are individuals - who by law committed crimes involving monetary transactions and thereby cannot work in the banking industry anymore!
Once we eliminate every corporation who was involved in the housing crash, we can go back to the only sure ways to save for retirement: either by stuffing a mattress or by playing the lottery.