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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Politics Are Just a Bad Lip Read

Folks, regardless of the horrible things that may happen to you, just remember one thing: "God meant for it to happen."
That's the new claim by a Republican Indiana Senate hopeful named Richard Mourdock. Mourdock was specifically addressing women when he made the remark, and he was specifically referring to rape...and pregnancies that occur from it.
See, Mourdock is on a first name basis with the big guy and they talked it out and it turns out that the big guy - well, he is a twisted, old f*** who hates women. Or at least the big guy that Mourdock talks to is anyway! Mourdock claims that "getting raped is part of God's plan" if it "results in pregnancy." That's because God can't be content with the number of people already going to hell, he wants to up the ante by forcing more women to endure traumatic experiences and bring children into the world that they never asked for or wanted.
Mourdock's comments are representative of the entire Republican Party. Just a few days ago, Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said "I like this guy. He thinks like I do. Vote for him." This all follows remarks made by Todd Aiken saying that "legitimate rape never results in pregnancy." So the question is: does that mean that the reason the pregnancies that result from rape are part of God's plan because it technically wasn't rape? Did she send a telepathic signal to her rapist begging for him to violate her?

Is it just me or does all this sound like lines from a Bad Lip Reading? These guys aren't actually saying this stuff, right? I mean, sure sometimes politicians say things that make no sense, like when Rick Perry said "I love hot yellow Kool-Aid" or when Mitt Romney said "and I want everyone to stuff the ice chest", but no one would say anything about rape being God's will! Right? Wait, my staff is telling me that those first two were actually the work of Bad Lip Reading, but apparently that the last soundbite is real.
Well, then...perhaps we can make a valid argument from all of these quotes regardless of who said them. I am not sure if any of the politicians actually said any of this or if it is solely the work of that genius group of people who call themselves Bad Lip Reading, but here is my attempt to make sense of the political messages we all keep hearing today.
Sometimes, your ice chest gets stuffed without your permission in this misogynistic world. But even when God is making you have an Asian baby, you can't lose faith. Just save a pretzel for the gas jets, find the eye of the sparrow, and force badgers and spiders on all of your enemies while telling the world "nyah nyah nyah."

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