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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Sniffing Around For an A


Folks, I now know what it takes to be a great father - an ounce of cocaine and tree large mammals capable of ripping an ordinary man to shreds! Earlier this week, Miami-Dade detective, Douglas Bartelt, allowed his 10-year-old, Emma, to borrow three police dogs and 28 grams of cocaine. Most kids ask for a bag of sugar and some Kool-Aid when they want to go into business for themselves, but little Emma here wanted to go straight from adorable 4th grader to Scar-Face.
Okay, so she actually wanted the dogs and the drugs for a science project, but seriously what normal child sits down and says "I want to devise a school project that revolves around three attack dogs and an ounce of blow?"
But, according to her parents, Michelle and Douglas, that is exactly what Emma did. She wrote her abstract which stated, “The purpose for this scientific investigation was to find which dog would find the cocaine fastest using it’s [sic] sense of smell.”
Immediately, questions begin running through my head. Where would she hide the drugs? Is there a bully at school who has gotten little Emma's bad side and she was now planning on stashing incriminating evidence in his/her locker and then unleashing the dogs to "discover" the crime? What parent would give their ten-year-olds drugs? Oh that's right, Emma said she wanted some coke for "science" *wink, wink*. Isn't that the same thing potheads say when they get caught with weed? "No officer, it isn't being used recreationally, we are doing a perfectly acceptable scientific inquiry into the effects of being stoned."
But, Emma was given the drugs...and the drug sniffing dogs...lucky little girl - the best gift my parents ever gave me was a trip to McDonald's on my birthday.
There were only two stipulations: 1) Emma couldn't handle the dogs, and 2) Emma couldn't handle the drugs. Her mom was very clear on that last one: “Her dad handled the drugs. He’s always very meticulous about how he handles drugs.” I know, right? You have to make sure to be super careful, else you might waste some! But, wait, this brings up a few questions...
First, how often is Douglas handling drugs in front of his wife and daughter? Does he bring stuff home from work in order to "better his understanding of the effects?" What other stuff is bringing home from the evidence locker? I know police officers don't make much, is he, perhaps, making some extra revenue selling leftover "evidence" to the neighbors?
My second question is, "If Emma couldn't handle the drugs or the dogs and her dad did everything from design the experiment to hiding the drugs to releasing the hounds of hell...what exactly did Emma do?" Isn't it safe to say that all Emma did was watch the dogs find the drugs? Is that enough to count as a science project? I used to watch NASCAR, but that doesn't make me a race-car driver.
Well, at Coral Gables Preparatory Academy, it is not only enough to count - it is enough to win 1st place. Take that, rich kids! If only your parents had let you take their cocaine to school, you could have won too!
School spokesperson, John Schuster, even confirmed that when he told reporters that "while this was an unusual experiment, cocaine is not a banned substance on campus."
That's right - cocaine isn't banned. A school should never be thought of as a drug free workplace because instructors need to be high as hell in order to deal with all those whiny, entitled little bastards! Hell, I can't say that I blame them - I almost need a hit just hearing this!