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Thursday, August 29, 2013

One Ring to Sicken Them All

     Folks, we are in danger! Well, not all of us, only us straight people who do not yet have AIDS. Apparently, gay people are using special magic rings to infect disease-free straight people with the deadly virus in its full-blown form. At least, that is the accusation that was made by Christian All-Star, Pat Robertson, on Tuesday night's episode of The 700 Club.
   
"They wear these rings that cut you and infect you with AIDS," Pat Robertson said in a fearful voice.
     Folks, we have to beware of ring wearing homosexuals because those rings are actually a ploy by that sinful community to pass along a dreaded virus that they must obviously have! Because why else would a gay person wear hand jewelry?
     But, folks, there is a conspiracy to keep this truth away from us! The Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) forced YouTube to remove the clip in which Robertson made the prophetic comment. Sure, they claimed that they only asked it be taken down because Pat Robertson is clearly off his meds, but wouldn't being off his meds make him think more clearly?
     And yes, Robertson was only referring to the gay people who live in San Francisco in his comment, but how long will it be before it's a common practice everywhere else? I think the obvious solution is to cut off every gay person's fingers so that they will be unable to shake your hand!
     But maybe I am acting rashly, after all in an interview a day later with The Atlantic, Robertson apologized and claimed that his comment had been taken out of context. That's because we all know that claiming that gay people want to deliberately infect straight people with AIDS can be taken in many different ways - and not all of them are bad.
     I also have to wonder, how many of the "magic rings" has Robertson found? Tolkien led me to believe that there was only one "evil" ring. Hey, I may be onto something. Perhaps, Robertson was just trying to warn that Bilbo guy about the potential dangers of accepting jewelry from a creepy, thin, sick-looking cave-dweller!
     Folks, this isn't the first time that Robertson has attempted to guide us to greater truths - back in September of 2012, he told a viewer that "he should switch to Islam, so that he can beat his wife and keep her in line." That is pretty progressive! How many other Christian talk-show hosts do that?
     This man is a "man of God" and "peace." Everything that he says and does, is in the spirit of Jesus' message. That's why a few years ago he called on the United States to nuke Hugo Chavez and the rest of Venezuela back to the Stone Age! He knew that when Jesus said "simplify your life for God" the fastest way to do that is through a nuclear winter.
     Folks, regardless of how impossible this is, we have to be on guard for such a device. It is a well-known fact that the homosexual community want to destroy everything hetero! Look at the institution of marriage! These magic rings are meant to cull the herd, so that there will be fewer people around to oppose gay marriage. And no God-fearing straight person should abide by that! After all, the word "gay" means "happy," and the last place anyone wants any gayness happiness is the institution of marriage.
   
This sacred institution should be limited to those who only have the strongest of commitments to each other - like the one between Britney Spears and Jason Alexander! They fulfilled every one of God's covenants in only 55 hours.
     Marriage is also fashionable and we all know that homosexuals love fashion. So, maybe the homosexual community would be less inclined to enter this institution if it were less like the directions on a bottle of Pantene. Here me out, people like Robertson know that marriage is also an institution that should only exist between one man and one woman...until that man tires of that woman and wants to divorce her and get another "one" woman...after that, he can rinse and repeat as needed.
     But, we all know that gays will destroy marriage by bringing long, monogamous, commitments to the table, and who wants that? We need to band together and raise our hands against this threat. Then, we have to let our voices ring out with the truth of our convictions.
     After all, the only way we will be able to keep our fears strong will be to draw a circle in the sand - that way we can argue infinitely about things that don't actually matter...

1 comment:

  1. Wow. My kids used to come home from school in time to see him on television and I couldn't understand why they were watching him until one day my son said, "He's insane."

    I thought my son was being ironic or trying to be funny but he was clearly making a psychiatric diagnosis.

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