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Thursday, February 13, 2014

Why Should You Get to Play with My Balls?

     Folks, I am worried for the future of America. We all know that the only things we have going for us as a nation are our competitive sports, especially football. I mean, who doesn't love watching grown men hug each other and roll around on the ground in an effort to make sure the right person gets the balls?
     Well, folks, all of that is in danger now! On Sunday, a former defensive end for Missouri who was considered one of the best players of 2013, Michael Sam, announced that he was gay. Sam is considered to be one of the top draft picks - we cannot allow this to happen!
     America, football is sacred. There is nothing 'gay' about it. I mean, what is more masculine than a bunch of dudes in hot pants bending over in front of each in order to pass a ball between their legs? Or how about the masculine, pro-hetero tradition of showering together? If we let gay men on the team, how will we know that congratulatory slap on the ass for a play well-done doesn't have ulterior motives?
     Think about it - football doesn't need controversy! It has a reputation for hiring men who are above reproach, like: OJ Simpson, Michael Vick, Benjamin Roethlis-howeveryouspellhisname, that one guy from the Giants who shot himself in the leg, or that guy from Cleveland who assaulted a member of law enforcement at the Ft. Lauderdale airport.
     Those guys are model citizens! We can't risk bringing a player onboard who could demoralize and stigmatize the entire League! By having an openly gay player, you risk the world finding out that gay men are capable of doing the exact same things as straight men! If Sam continued to play as well for the pros as he did in college, then the NFL could be forced to hire more gay men to play the game. This would be a travesty because gay men have a reputation for being pro-feminist, compassionate, anti-misogynist, and friendly people - there is no room for any of that in professional football!
     Sports are supposed to be angry and violent! Allowing happy people to play risks diluting it and then before you know it, all we are watching is a contact sport that consists of playful slapping and random giggles - kind of like the Lingerie League...wait, the Lingerie League is amazing to watch..is it getting hot in here?
     But I digress, the worst part is, if more gay men are playing football, then more gay men may start watching football. This might mean male cheerleaders in skimpy outfits shouting for to the crowd that they "are going to take it to the end." That is horrifying, right?
     To top it all off, other players don't want it! I mean, this isn't the Flintstones - no one wants to "have a gay ole time." Remember when Chris Culliver of the 49ers said, he "wouldn't play with a gay teammate?" That's because he would rather get his rocks off with his straight buddies who don't openly show that they enjoy it! Plus, look at how Sam's college peers reacted in August of last year to his announcement to them that he was gay, they went on to be 12-2 for the season. They were so demoralized that they lost two games!
    America, we have to stop this now. First it was military service, then it was marriage...and before long, the LGBT community will expect the equal rights they should have had along! And then, who knows what will happen? Will women will demand to have equal rights, too? And will we wake up to find that they are playing in the NFL!
     After all, this is America...if we wanted everyone to be treated the same regardless of race, creed, sexuality, or religion...we would move to Canada.

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