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Monday, January 12, 2015

Bitch-Slapping For Jesus!

     Folks, if you are anything like me, teenagers just make you so mad! I mean: they talk back, they are lazy, and worse, they are disrespectful to the lord. And by lord, I must assume they mean Calvert - you don't mix whiskey that good with Mountain Dew, you sip it over ice!
     But while I may mean Lord Calvert when I speak of the lord, some people use that title to address someone else. People like Pastor Eric Dammann who believes that anyone who disrespects his lord deserves a swift kick in the nuts.
     Recently a video has surfaced from the Bible Baptist Church in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey, showing Dammann bragging about how he deals with "smart alec teenagers who don't take the lord serious [sic]."
Dammann describes a day in which he met "Ben" who he describes as "a nice kid, but bright, which didn't help things." And because of that, Dammann knew that Ben would be trouble. Smart kids always are. Because they question things. Like why his church condemns homosexuality, but has bacon available for every breakfast. I mean, aren't both of those things condemned in the very same book? Does his Pastor just pick and choose which sections to follow? But I digress...Dammann knew Ben "was dangerous."
     And danger only understands one response: violence. “So I walked over to him and went BAM! Punched him in the chest as hard as I could. I crumpled the kid. I just crumpled him.” He crumpled him, kinda like that time that semi ran over that volkswagen.
     Folks, I don't know about you, but I find it refreshing to see a pastor so caught up in his convictions to a god who preached peace and love that he would spread that god's message by punching a smart kid hard enough to hospitalize him. Besides, this type of reaction is built into the church's bylaws and history. According to the church website, this place of worship is dedicated to family values, and nothing says family like domestic violence.
     Folks, Dammann rightly understands that when Jesus said "lay down your plowshares and turn your other cheek," what he was really saying is get your hands dirty and hit them so hard they have to turn away from you. That's how Jesus wins an argument! He only pretends to be about peace and love and brotherhood, but really, he's the founder of Fight Club.
     I think this is a movement every good Christian should jump in on - Punching People for Jesus! Is there a person you know living in sin? It doesn't matter what the sin is, do what Jesus would do and beat the shit out of them! Who needs compassion when you have a "right cross" to strike them down with. After all, there is no better way to get through to non-believers!
     This movement could change everything! We could start having church at the gym! Then not only are we helping bring people to god by assaulting them, we can help reduce the obesity rate in this great nation.
     Think of all the new holidays we could steal to celebrate this new take on Christianity, like Boxing Day! I don't know what it is about but it sounds awesome - plus, think of the merchandising possibilities! Hallmark, you are totally missing the boat by not having a "blind-sided by Jesus" Boxing Day Card! Cattle ranchers stand to gain here too! Think about how many more steaks we could sell if people are using them to bring the swelling down!
     We could even merge this with the BDSM lifestyle! Think about, people already scream oh god there anyway, this is the perfect marriage of secular and religious practices!
     Or maybe we could temper our anger, get therapy, and practice a bit of that love thy neighbor stuff...I mean, either works.

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