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Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

     Folks, I know it has been a long time since I sat down to share my thoughts with you. I'll admit, I missed me too. The fact is, I haven't had much inspiration. Let's face it, when a presidential candidate can insult an entire race of people, disparage former war heroes and all POWs, hand out the cell phone numbers of his rivals, and still be the most popular candidate in his party because he is a business man who would be "great" for the economy despite having filed bankruptcy more times than I like to hit up the sesame chicken at the all-you-can-eat buffet, well it is safe to assume that the world has lost its collective mind. How can I make that more absurd than it already is?
     Besides, inspiration is a funny thing. One day you think you have found it, and it is everything that you have ever wanted in your life, and the next it is wanting to see other people. We just met! You can't be tired of me already? Sure that person wants to talk about hilarious autocorrect fails and I just want to discuss plastic surgery that involves injecting concrete in your ass, but I thought we could work something out! I can branch out and be more flexible! I'm willing to experiment: maybe we can also talk about stalkers and potato salad!
     All I am asking is for you to stick around long enough to see if there is chemistry - who knows, you may find that you like it! We don't have to label it - we can just let it happen!
     But sadly folks, inspiration is not beholden to me. Like the leftovers from Thanksgiving, it has moved on to warmer, less fatty fare, while I linger in improperly sealed Tupperware containers in the fridge.
      Folks, I guess what I am saying is, this might as well be the last entry of Sympathy For The Devil. I had a great run. I brought these weird little stories to you, sometimes you even laughed at them. I am touched and grateful for all of your support through these 5 years. 5 years, 300 posts, and nearly 73,000 views. I mean, that may not be a lot, but it seems like a lot to me, which is flattering. You have been a great audience.
     So, as I close out this blog, I wanted to mention, in no particular order, some of my favorite moments.

1. Pastor Eric Dammann believes that the best way to bring people to Jesus is to beat the shit out of them. After all, Dammann knows that when Jesus said "lay down your plowshares and turn the other cheek," what he really meant was get your hands dirty and hit them so hard that they turn away from you. From here.

2. Basil Marceaux is the world's greatest politician. He's been arrested numerous times for trying to make the flag "fly right" and lost more races than a three-legged greyhound. He wants to "immune" all his supporters from all crime and charge people for not packing heat. Click here for more Basil.

3. Levi's Jeans knows what men want - to cross dress! That's why they have fashioned a new style that is stolen straight from her closet - the Ex-Girlfriend Jean! For more info, click here.

4. You can find anything on Craig's List. Looking for someone to watch Harry Potter with while naked, it's there! Click here to see what else I have found.

5. Being beautiful hurts...especially when you have to fix your face with tire sealant... Click here to get the concrete out of your ass!

6. Flying to Vegas would be a sin, so I'm just gonna take this plane to Jesus! Click here to catch your flight!

7. Did you know that I'm a poet? Well, not really, but once I won a no-prize for limericks! Click here to read and watch that train-wreck!

Well, there you go - seven of my favorites. I hope that you have enjoyed the ride as much as I have.

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