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Monday, February 28, 2011

I May Not Have Owned You But I Certainly Paid Rent


This is dedicated to relationships.
See after careful reflection I have come to a very sensible conclusion. Relationships should come with rental agreements.
I am the uncrowned King of Bad Relationships ladies...if you are completely emotionally unavailable, we are going to find ourselves smitten with each other. In my dating experience, it seems I always find out too late they are secretly in love with someone else.
In my most recent ex, it was a guy she hadn't even spoken to since she was 15. Their last date was at Chuckie Cheese. She was fascinated by his retainer and he thought her acne made her cute when she blushed. They had a deep connection with each other, I'm sure.
Oh sure, all relationships start the same way...it's hot and heavy and you both can't seem to get enough of each other. But eventually, one or the other gets bored with it. This is where people say the "Honeymoon Ends". Personally, I think because the road is under construction, people try and take detours and get lost along the way.
Like the ex that broke all the windows in my car to get my attention. She thought that by doing something drastic, she could force a change from me and it worked! I filed a restraining order and this is why I now drive a motorcycle.
This story brings up another point entirely. People aren't like animals or laptops. If you don't like something about someone, you can't take them to the local dog whisperer or Best Buy and get them retrained or install new software. If you don't like the fact that I tend to be a bit cynical, you will probably never like the fact that I will continue to do so.
Another aspect that destroys relationships is money. Sure some claim that money can't buy happiness, but thats just something people say to feel better about being poor. To prove that point, give me several million dollars and I will show you how happy I can be.
When two people are fighting over finances, it causes strains in other areas of the relationship...like the bedroom. Guys, if she is pissed about you spending the rent money on the newest Playstation bundle pack, she won't be playing with your joystick.
Sex is another issue that complicates a relationship. depending on ones health and moods at the time, the amount of sex can vary greatly from month to month. Since it is an important part to the core of the relationship, I think it should be scheduled like maintenance is for your car. Of course, I'd be happy if she just looked at me let alone touched me.
In my experience, I've found that both parties have to work together to make things last. They say its 50 50, but I've discovered its usually 70 30. If you only get what you give, I'd like mine back as I think I overpaid.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

And I Would Like To Thank The Little People

With celebrity buzz focusing on the Oscars, I felt I should at least do one blog on the subject. Because let's face it, no one really likes the movies that are nominated or have even heard of the ones that win. To prove that point, today I will be discussing the winner of an oscar for best picture.
For those of you who have never seen the movie, don't worry as I will hit the highlights to spare you from ever watching this garbage.
The movie Babel starred such people as Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett in a story that centered around a gun. See, Brad and Cate were having more problems that Brangelina and they decided that to fix their marriage they should go to the middle of a war zone. I guess they thought that the neighbors would be used to explosions.
While they are in the Middle East, a hapless goat herder purchases a gun to protect his goats. Then like all responsible parents just gives the gun to his 8 year old kids. These kids go off into the desert and of course they are playing in the road. So now you have two small children firing a gun at traffic. They accidentally hit a bus carrying Brad and Cate and Cate gets shot.
Back in America, Brad and Cate left their kids with the illegal immigrant that watches their children. This woman, has to go to a wedding in Mexico. Instead of maybe calling a relative she decides its better to sneak the kids across the border to attend the wedding with her.
Now the story picks up. In Japan, a deaf 14 year old is introduced to the story. I really have no idea why she is in the story other than she likes to get naked at every possible opportunity. Sadly, this will become the highlight of the film.
So now we are following four different stories. Brad & Cate are struggling to survive. The children are labeled terrorists. Brad & Cate's kids are in Mexico illegally. And a deaf Japanese girl is auditioning for Playboy.
After the wedding the nanny must now sneak the kids back across the border. They of course are harassed by border patrol. This causes the driver, who I assume is one of the nanny's relatives, to race off into the desert with the police fast following. This relative abandons the nanny and B & C's kids in the desert and takes off to lose the cops.
In Japan, the deaf girl goes to the dentist and tries to make him molest her. He asks her to leave. So she goes home, where a cop stops by and she approaches him completely naked. He also leaves.
Back in the Middle East, B & C are still stuck on the bus, where C is bleeding and I believe passed out at the time. The kids that shot her have hidden the gun and their family is attacked by para military forces trying to prevent an international incident.
The movie ends with the Japanese girl standing naked on a balcony hugging her father, who is finally revealed as the man who sold the goat herder his gun. The nanny and kids are rescued, but she is deported. The younger of the two boys is taken to jail for shooting an officer of the law. Cate pisses her pants and is taken to a hospital where she is released.
The End.
And people wonder why movie critic is an obsolete profession...

Saturday, February 26, 2011

"The Same Thing We Do Every Night Pinky"

Ok Verizon...I'm on to you. You may have tricked everyone else, but I now see what is really going on....My cell phone is trying to take over the world.
When I bought my Droid X, I was taken in by the flashy screen and the really cool apps...little did I know that the screen would be used to brainwash me and those apps would be ticking time bombs..ready to explode.
Ok so now do ya wanna know why I think my phone is trying to take us over and make us all slaves?
Let's start with the navigation app it has built in...it pairs with google location. This way the robots always know where you are. I can turn this feature on and know exactly where any of my friends are at any time...kinda takes stalking to a whole new level. And for our robot overlords, it will tell them where to aim the missiles.
I accidently used an app called HypnoMe on myself one day last week...I woke up at a 7 11 wearing camo with the clerk telling me that he "doesn't know when the eagle will rise again".
It has been teaching the local wildlife (birds in particular) that they can destroy buildings by flinging themselves at them. Sure you may think this is a game, but its merely basic training for sparrows.
My phone is obsessed with my banking information and wants to know who I bank with. This way it can cut off my funding when it decides to attack us all.
It also wants to manage all my social applications. Including this blog. This way it can isolate us and make us think everything is really ok.
A relatively new app called Androidify, is even available to show what you will look like as an android in the new Droid order.
I turned on the stop watch app the other day and it just started counting down...to what I don't know but apparently we only have 3 years 2 months 7 days 14 hours 21 mins and 27 seconds to stop whatever it is.
I used the DroidLight to temporarily blind a prowler in my yard...although it turned out to be the UPS guy. He was very surprised at how bright the light was. Imagine if they all went off at once, we would never see the end coming.
Because my phone has an antivirus...that must mean it has a virus ready to unleash...so if you defy the robot masters you will probably die of some horrible biological agent.
There is an app called AI Vs Humans...I think this is to test how well we would do in a simulation against the machines.
UnderControl is an app about being controlled...I think that one is self explanatory.
Find the Robots! is an app that plays itself off as cutesy but is it really just preparing us for the inevitable?
If you search the word robot in the android market, thousands of possibilities come up including Loving Robot Vibrations and Android Love.
And if that wasn't disturbing enough, just this morning I caught my phone trying to start a conversation with my nightstand about "the end of the world as we know it" I just hope my phone feels fine.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Growing Old Gracefully Shouldn't Require A Bedpan

But it should require a hot young nurse to take care of me through the aging process. As I am now in my 30's, I am finding my body doesn't work the way it used to. I remember partying until 4 AM and going to work at 7. Now my body wants me in bed by 9.
This thought used to terrify me, but now I'm thinking maybe it's not so bad.
Like having a sponge bath! I could definitely enjoy getting those daily. We can have our nurse set up a schedule for when we get them.
And when you screw up, you can pretend that you don't know where you are! I knew a lady that drove her car through a coffee shop, and she went from being the meanest lady I knew to this sweet, lost lady...once the cops showed up. I tried that once during a traffic stop, and they gave me a DUI test.
You could also be allowed to ramble on and on about stuff that sounds really inappropriate and people would be expected to listen to you. I think I'll talk about the day I got crabs from the beach.
Another benefit, you can drive as slow as you want. Imagine being on an interstate and forcing hundreds of people to drive 45 mph. I'd call that a weekend excursion!
You can eat all of your food like it was a smoothie! The aforementioned nurse can blend everything up for you so that you can forgo things like chewing.
You can randomly yell at children in your neighborhood. You can say things like "Get off my yard" to kids across the street. People will just think your cantankerous.
You can wear diapers again. I used to be able to sleep through the night without going to the bathroom, but now I get up at least once. This way I could just sleep through the night again, and my nurse would change me in the morning.
Your employment status can be "retired". I decided once at 17 that was a great employment status so I went to the Social Security office. They asked me to leave after I told them I felt I had contributed enough.
You can complain that everything is worse now than back in "the good old days". You can make claims like a gallon of milk only cost a nickel when you were growing up, even if it really cost a buck ninety five. After all, you're the elder, who is going to argue with you?
You can judge other peoples lives and claim if only you had listened to me, you wouldn't be in this mess. Like when I ended up in a Mexican prison, my grand parents told me that sneaking white people into Mexico to take jobs was a bad idea and I should have known better!
You can buy everything in bulk and no one asks why. They just assume your preparing for the Apocalypse or for the return of ET or Cocoon. Maybe I just want 43 cans of sweet peas.
So after writing this, I've decided I want to live my Golden Years now, while I'm young enough to enjoy them.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Seeking Answers The Only Way I Can

Whenever I have major life changing decisions to make, I turn to the only reliable source I have. My Magic 8-ball. Whether I am deciding what to eat for dinner or whether to blow up my ex-girlfriends car, I find it's advice invaluable.
So, I decided to create a list of opportune times to use your Magic 8-ball. Like when trying to decide when and where to go to college.  Mine kept saying ask again later, and finally by the time I was in my 20s said it was okay for me to go.
I once purchased a car that had no working engine because the Magic 8-ball told me that was the perfect vehicle for me. And, I must say it was a Godsend. Having that rusty Chevy sitting on blocks in my front yard kept the neighbors from bugging me. It also ensured I didn't date much, so it saved me a ton of money.
I once took a vacation to Omaha Nebraska on the advice of a Magic 8-ball.  The flight cost me around 300 bucks. I stayed in a Motel 6 and ate Dominos pizza. While there, I got to see such attractions as the World's Largest Corn Cob Structure. My friends all went to Cozumel that year, they have no idea of the fun they missed out on!
I even proposed to a waitress at a Cracker Barrel on the advice of one, instead of my girlfriend at the time.
And those are just a few of my experiences. So, now I'm thinking: What if the rest of the world used these things to make all our decisions for us? After all, they are cheaper than a psychic.
From dieting to voting, these things could steer us all in the right direction.
Like that new guy running for Senator, maybe the reply will be hazy when you ask the 8-ball...it may want you to vote for Bill the Janitor instead.
Or maybe your trying to decide where your significant other should take you for your birthday: that Ritzy little place by the beach or Mickey D's...you may be surprised which is best for you.
And guys how about when wondering to spend that 3 grand on her engagement ring or a new entertainment center?
You can even use it to decide who to date.
After all, our government already uses it to determine such issues as the economy and worldly relations.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Rear Ended With Feeling

Is it just me or are most sports today pretty boring? I mean, how  many people can stay awake while trying to watch an entire baseball game on tv? Have you ever wondered why the batter can't run with the bat? I think watching a guy running down a line swinging at people trying to tag him would be alot more interesting.
But baseball isn't the only sport to suffer from loss of excitement...which is why today I am gonna talk about a few new more entertaining ideas.
Let's start with racing...instead driving in a circle with professional drivers, I would rather watch a few road rage inspired participants. Imagine races to the grocery store where drivers are encouraged to yell, scream, honk horns, and try and kill each other. I'd buy that t-shirt!
Or how about foot racing...how dull is it to watch a few guys or gals just run? I think a new game called "Running From The Poe Poe" should be aired instead. Have guys and gals rip off liqour stores and then run as fast from the pursuing cops as possible. If they get caught, they lose and get jail time. If they get away, they win the race and get to keep the 30 or so dollars that they took. Now that would be excitement!
I also miss real gladiatorial sports. So instead of letting prisoners sit idle on death row for years, have them compete in a series of lethal games. If they survive say 25 challenges, then they have earned the right to be freed. Maybe have man vs man. Or a real life team death match using swords and spears. Maybe one of the challenges could be called David and Goliath. In this particular challenge, an inmate using only a small stone must subdue a tank.
Volley ball would be much more exciting if you were tossing an explosive device back and forth instead of a ball. Maybe have a timer in it randomly set and the winners are determined by who is left.
Instead of alligator wrestling, maybe we could have great white shark wrestling. Armed only with your wits and a tooth pick you must wrestle the fish into submission.
Instead of horse racing, why not do it with man eating kodiak bears. Strap a jockey to the back of a grizzly and let them race to the finish line.
Football is good, but get rid of all the possible penalties, and also combine it with boxing. If anything really does go, I'd say get rid of the armor they wear, but then we would have to call the sport rugby.
There should never be a penalty for fighting in hockey. Instead it should be encouraged. And extra points added to the fighters team. Same goes with soccer. But let them play with chain saws just for that reason.
I think fans should be given more lee way at sporting events too. After all, if you are willing to pay the prices to go, why can't you fire pellet guns at the opposing teams? Just think of the extra revenue stadiums can bring in with that!
So there ya have it people! Let's play sports the way they are meant to be played: brutally and violent!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Wait A Second...This Isn't What I Asked For!

     Stalkers...by a show of hands how many of you have one? Also, I should note that if you're raising your hand you probably are one.
     Most people think stalker and are instantly against the whole idea. But I think this is more because you haven't thought it through. You are focusing on all the negative aspects...like they follow you around...take your picture...dream that one day you will talk to them about all your secrets and share your whole world with them.
     Instead focus on the good aspects like...They follow you around and take your picture! It's like having your own personal paparazzi. After all, to the stalker, you are a celebrity and you make their lives whole.
     They also dream about you. Now I don't know about you, but this really boosts my ego. Knowing that out there somewhere, and maybe playing with sharp and dangerous objects, Jenny is dreaming of me. Gives me chills. They may even tattoo your name somewhere on their bodies!
    They also wanna know all your secrets. Kinda like that song by One Republic. And they will make sure that no one else ever learns about them from anyone...possibly even from you.
     They also like sharing your world. It's not breaking and entering, its endearment. And they didn't steal your underwear, it's a religious artifact they must worship.
     And sure they may call your phone all the time and then hang up, but at least this way you can never lose your phone.
     Now, this makes me want a stalker. But first I have to clarify a few things. You must understand that the last time I wished for a stalker I got one. See, a buddy of mine in Cincinnati, Ohio sent me pictures of this really hot blonde that he claimed was stalking him. I told him he was lucky and I immediately wished that I had a stalker.
     Three days later I got one, but I should have been specific in my wish making as my stalker was a 50-something-year old man.
     Years later, I retold this tale and once again wished for a stalker. This time I specifically said hot young female. And I got a younger version of Sandra Bullock. I should have asked for her to come in the "not crazy variety". As this girl broke the antenna off my car and left me a love note saying why she did it. Then told my fiancĂ©'s family that we were sleeping together.
     And if a hot younger woman tells your girlfriends family she is sleeping with you, and you look like me...they will always believe the girl. As Nina's Aunt Cathy said "Look at you, why would she lie?"
So this time I want a hot, young, smart, goal oriented, successful, clean psyche record, no felonies, no STD's and no hidden personality disorders woman who was born a woman and always remained a woman as a stalker.
     Feel free to follow me about, take my picture, bring me odd gifts at inappropriate times, stake out my house, harass any person I may try to date, and carve my name in your leg. Just make sure you call first.

Monday, February 21, 2011

For The Family That Shares Everything

Something I've often wondered...why do malls across America have family restrooms?
Is it intended for families to use to get even closer than they already are and probably ever should be? "Yeah pa, Jessica and I just went to the restroom together."
And this isn't something limited to just the south, where at least then you could say "Hey its the south". No malls are ever increasingly adding that family stall. Other than cell phone porn, I really don't see a point for this. Who is this stall really meant for? It's a really big room with a lockable door. Other than a few horny individuals, who really uses one of these?
And if the whole purpose is sex..why don't they have condom dispensers?
Oh sure, some of you can claim, "but Samael it has a changing table in it!" But that is only a changing table if the baby your changing is in her mid 20s. The last one I saw had a king size "table" with an inflatable air mattress tucked in the corner.
Last trip I made to the mall I counted ten teenagers as they ran into the family restroom and then they all came out soaking wet...apparantly you can add water balloon fight to the family restrooms many uses.
And a note to those of you that "use" the family restrooms...please only flush one condom at a time as they will clog the toilet and make it over flow.
Now, I think we should rethink the whole idea. I think the capitalists out there are really missing out on some major business opportunities. Maybe rent video equipment right outside the stall or offer cosmetic services to give you the "glamour shot". Or maybe since the room is big enough, circus's could use them to train lions, tigers and bears. In that case, just make sure you leave a chair and put the seat down because lions are worse than your girlfriend when they nag. Because they have claws.
Maybe Guinness could start a new world record of how many people you can shove into one of those. During the holidays, you could turn them into Santas Special Place. Maybe let people pet Rudolph there.
Victoria's Secret could set up a kiosk right outside. So could Lana's House Of Pain!
So there you have it people! Let's turn a completely useless room into a money making opportunity! After all if sex sells, why shouldn't we sell sex?

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I Plan To Use A Little Hocus Pocus To Pay My Taxes But Tell Me Witch Is Which?

Readers I must say I am a bit surprised by this latest news article I found. Romania has moved forward with a plan to make witchcraft an official profession. Now for Romanians, this isn't a new development as this went into effect back in the beginning of January. But since magic mirrors take longer to deliver messages, I just heard about it this morning.
This measure is part of the Romanians crack down on tax evasion. If I were the government, I would be more worried about evading the horrible curses that have surely been cast at them for this.
One witch in particular has come forward. A "Bratara" told the website realitate.net that she plans to "cast a spell using black pepper and yeast". And if you think that is enchanting, you should try her sourdoughs and ryes. I also hear that Harry Potter has fled the country to avoid paying taxes on the billions he has made.
Witchery now joins several other newly recognized "real" jobs in Romania, such as embalmers, astrologists, driving instructors and valets. What I don't understand is why they need embalmers? After all, they have Van Helsing running around staking their dead to ensure they stay that way.
I think other countries of the world should take note of this development. Think of all the "unreal" jobs that could be taxed. Like Homeless Guy. Or Street Mime. Or how about "Knocking On Your Door At 7AM To Talk About Jesus Man". Think of all the pennies we could take in by legally recognizing just these three professions!
We could even recognize prostitution and drug dealers as real jobs. They already have great benefits packages, such as lodging and maybe health care once you get caught.
Think about it people. After all, why should we have to struggle to pay our taxes, when all you need is a little hocus pocus.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

I Just Like Getting In Her Pants

Devoted readers, this blog is dedicated to ex's.
How many of you men out there have had your girlfriend steal your clothes and wear them or use them to start fires in the trash can? And ladies have you ever just worn a guys jeans or shirt to feel close to him? Because let me tell you ladies, there is nothing hotter than watching you walk around in nothing but one of my button down shirts. And ladies, I know that secretly you've all wanted to see him able to walk around in your attire.
Guys, have you ever thought "if only someone made a magical device that would let me fit into her jeans?" Well wish no more my friends because Levi Strauss is about to release what can only be described as a money maker!
Called "the Ex-Girlfriend Jean", its a pair of women's jeans made just barely large enough to fit your obese frame. Levi's website describes it as "a way to remember her with great style". And I agree. After all, what better way to remember the one who took your manhood away from you, than by wearing clothes that don't have room for your manhood.
But I don't think Levi's is taking it far enough. Pretty soon all clothing will be genderless. Just think guys, you can soon wear that cute little sundress that you like her in yourself. Imagine walking into the Sport's Authority and grabbing a size 11 wide 3 inch heel. Or having a Gucci purse...i mean man bag...decorated with sports logos or fishing paraphernalia. This way you don't have to worry about sharing a closet...you can just share your clothes. Houses could be completely redesigned by this one simple change.
Just think of how less creepy it will be to walk in and see him wearing your underwear, if it comes in his size! Then men could get invited to those "lingerie" parties that you ladies all go to.
So Levi's if your listening, I love the new idea and if you decide to follow thru on any of these other ideas I've listed, that would be great too...Just cut me in for 10%.
I even have your new slogan all ready for you "Remember, it's not cross-dressing if it was originally designed with you in mind."
Or "I just wanted to get in your pants."

Friday, February 18, 2011

Is That Someone Singing Because It Sounds Like They Are Strangling A Cat

America. I have always had a fondness for the opera. Whether I am watching them remake Disney cartoons or comic books into onstage productions. I mean, who hasn't wanted to watch Spider-Man sing about fighting the Green Goblin instead of actually fighting the Green Goblin.
And if you feel the same way that I do, then you'll be just as excited about a new opera coming to London's Royal Opera House.
It's called Anna Nicole Smith the Opera.
For those of you who don't know who Anna Nicole Smith was, let's do a quick recap. She rose to fame as a Playboy Playmate by getting rises out of dirty old men. One in particular, J Howard Marshall was smitten with her. Only a mere 62 years older than Ms Smith, she realized that age was just a number. Like the number of millions that Mr Marshall possessed.
Once Marshall died, a lengthy court battle ensued where Anna Nicole Smith fought for the money she claimed she never married Marshall for. In 2002, she had a reality show on E! that showed her talking to an urn as if it were a real person. Anna later would be found dead of an overdose in Hollywood Fl. The jury is still out as to whether she realised she wasn't in that other Hollywood.
So see America, the makings of the perfect opera. After all according to the composer Mark-Anthony Turnage "She wasn't just this dumb blonde". Turnage is joined by lyricist Richard Thomas. Thomas is most famous for bringing Jerry Springer the Opera to life.
Now I don't know about you, but I don't know how they are going to get away with not having an NC 17 rating. And I'm curious as to who will play her late husbands urn. So, I will see you all Thursday so that we can become more cultured by watching trash.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I'm Sorry Shaggy, But I've Been Smurfing In The Van

America, I have a bone to pick with our overseas brethren. In London, there is controversy over a new cartoon aimed at promoting racial understanding called RastaMouse. The biggest complaint is that it inspires bad language skills. After all the main character is from Jamaica, how dare he speak the way they do in the islands.
Why must people make cartoons that are unwholesome? And by unwholesome, I mean make ethnic characters that don't speak and act like white people.
I mean look at the cartoons that I grew up with. These were from the 70's, 80's and 90's and are the pinnacle of what is morally right.
Let's start with the Smurfs. You have a village of 99 men and 1 woman. It was all about brotherly "love". And the oldest man made everyone call him Papa. There was nothing even remotely homo-erotic about this cartoon at all.
The next one that was a standing stone for morality was Scooby Doo. A story of a guy and his dog traveling the country in a van. Together they fought the munchies and their own paranoia, after enjoying some Scooby Snacks. And after a few too many Scooby Snacks, Shaggy would almost swear Scooby was talking to him.
Yogi Bear just made a splash at the box office...and when I say splash I mean it sank like a rock. It told the story of an innocent bear that stole from people.
Woody Woodpecker inspired tolerance for the mentally challenged by showing kids the heart warming tale of an insane bird.
Bugs Bunny helped teach kids that if you hurt someone before they hurt you then you were in the right. That dastardly Elmer and Sam, were always thwarted before they could even begin to hatch out their nefarious plots.
Tom and Jerry showed us that cats were evil.
Thundercats promoted "ho's".
He-man was about a guy in pink that became the most powerful man in the universe when he tanned and put on a loin cloth.
She-Ra taught us that women love big swords.
Fat Albert made obesity seem cool.
And I could go on and on. So take that RastaMouse...maybe if you had tried to teach me the lessons these other cartoons did, instead of the ones of peace, harmony and understanding, you wouldn't be at the firing squad.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

School Daze - How Not Reading, Riting, or Rithmeticking Will Get You Everywhere

America, I'm disappointed.
I look at the news and see a story about a young teacher trying to influence todays youth. And in this story she is chastised for writing a blog. Philadelphia English teacher Natalie Monroe has been suspended with pay for writing a profanity-laced blog that bashes her students for using profanity in her class.
She accuses them of being "lazy whiners" and proceeds to whine about their whining. Ms. Monroe, I just want you to know that I have your back. Where else but in America do you have the freedoms to squash young peoples freedom of speech and then do exactly what you complained about them doing in an online blog.
See unlike the parents of the "rude, disobediant, disrespectful oafs" that you have been teaching, I am aware of the fall of our education system. I realize that you can't reach them by finding ways that make class interesting. The only productive use of energy is to spend it online, writing a blog.
Ms Monroe, you are my hero. I understand your feeling that "students are not being held accountable" and let me say that is why I know you will stand up for and be accountable for the things you have written. So, I know when you say that you wrote some things "out of frustration" what you really mean is you are ready to run the naysayers over with a school bus. And even though you have removed your blog out of fear of being fired, I know that you have merely written it into a journal. After all, if you can't say what you think to a group of faceless readers then what hope is there for being able to carry a conversation with people you know. Like those kids in your class.
See, Ms Monroe wasn't calling the students "noisy, lazy, loafers", according to her attorney Steven Rovner, she was "so general that it applies to the problems in school districts across the country". Thats right America, so don't hate on Ms. Monroe. She wasn't being a bitch that made fun of her students everyday instead of trying to teach them, no she was educating us all about the decay of our education system.
For the full story go to http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110216/ap_on_hi_te/us_teacher_suspended_blog and until next time

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Greatest American Hero

I'm not usually fond of politicians, but I have witnessed the future of America. And his name is Basil Marceaux.
Ok so why do you ask is this guy the most amazing politician ever? Well, I have made a list of his most awesome campaign promises.
First and foremost, he has promised that if you vote for him he will "immune you from all crimes for the rest of your life". How is that for awesome? You vote for this guy and you have a get out of jail free card for life!
However, Mr Marceaux does not like murderers...He has promised that if you kill anyone he will kill you...in the same manner that you killed that guy. That is awesome. Most states can't even properly execute criminals using just lethal injection or the electric chair, this guy has promised if you stab a guy he will stab you back!
Another promise that speaks straight to my heart is his opinions on gun control. As you all already know, I am a firm believer in everyone owning guns. Well apparently, so is Mr Marceaux. He has stated that the framers of the Constitution knew that criminals and nut cases existed, but because they didn't put a sub paragraph saying that they could not possess them, then who are we to say that they can't! I agree. I say give everyone a gun and call it done. But Basil has other ideas, he believes if you don't have a gun on you and you get checked...you should be fined 10 dollars. Now that is progressive thinking.
He also has a strong stance on environmentalism and the use of fossil fuels. Basil has said that as Governor of Tenn., he will plant grass in every vacant lot and sell it for gas. I think this was a common thing back in the 70's if you were hitch hiking. You were asked to provide gas grass or ass to pay for your ride. I like where you are going with this Basil. If you plant enough grass, people will be too high to know they are out of gas.
Basil also thinks we need to improve our education system. We need to invest heavily in phonics. He thinks that students will prosper if they can read the Congressional minutes in class each day. I agree Basil, this will ensure our youth get plenty of sleep.
Another platform that I believe many can relate to is traffic stops. Basil has made it his life long goal to ban the practice from law enforcement. He thinks that writing you a ticket for driving 70 mph over the speed limit in a residential zone is unconstitutional and I know he is right.
Before I end my pledge of support for Mr Marceaux, let me touch on a few things he has done in service of our great country. Please keep in mind that he does these things without being asked...or even wanted. And he does them selflessly as he is not being paid.
He has run for office and lost more races than a 3 legged horse named lucky. He has been tazed multiple times while trying to "make the flag fly right". He has been tried in court numerous times mostly for traffic offenses and found innocent by reason of insanity. Is it crazy to want the best for our nation? And did I mention he is a Republican. Not because he believes in the Nationally recognized party's agenda, but because we say allegiance to the Republic for which it stands, not the Democracy.
Even though he lost the last round of elections it must be noted that he placed 9th of 11 candidates in one of the races. And there are rumors he plans to challenge Barack Obama in the 2012 Presidential primaries. So America, go out and go to the polls and lets elect the Greatest American Hero. For more info, check out his Wikipedia entry or watch his videos on YouTube. He is truly an inspiration.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Ammunition For My Heart...A Gun Shot Wound For My Valentine

Since today is Valemercialism Day, I figured that I should talk about one of my great loves. Gun Fire! See, I am a big fan of guns and all things related.
Now bleeding hearts I understand your fear. But I also understand that it stems from a lack of understanding on your part. So, I will help you understand why I love them so much.
1st, nothing turns me on like the smell of gunpowder and gun oil. I wish they made a perfume because whatever woman I am with would be wearing it constantly. They could call it "Ammo For Your Heart".
2nd, watching a 30 round clip unload on a pigeon is awesome...all thats left is some feathers! I like hunting for small game with really big guns. Instead of using a .22 to shoot a squirrel I would use a 12 gauge. Or an AK 47 with 30 round mag, laser attachment and a silencer...to protect my hearing.
3rd, you get used to the shape under your pillow when you sleep with one there. I keep a pistol under my pillow in case i get any uninvited guests. If you break into my house, you will get shot. Thats the only warning I give.
4th, they look awesome. I love the way they look. Masteries of engineering. And holding them is almost as much of a turn on as shooting them. Some of them are as SeXy as some of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.
5th, Alot of people that get shot still love them! Hows that for dedication? The NRA should use that for a commercial. Show two guys get shot and then go out and buy another gun. We can call that Gunvertising.
So, faceless readers, before you whine bitch and complain about guns and gun control. Go down to your local gun store, buy the most awesome looking gun they have, go to the shooting range or local petting zoo, and unload about 200 dollars worth of ammo.
And if that doesn't change your mind, I'll give you a gunshot for your Valentine.
(Thanks to Tash.o for her inspiring me with todays topic and title.)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Breaking My Heart...Or Is That My Wallet?

     Holidays...gotta love them. It seems we have a major one at least once a month. And my least favorite is Valentines Day.
     No, it's not because I am lonely or anything like that...It's because it is a commercialized piece of garbage...This holiday exists for no other reason than to sell more candy, cards, flowers, and jewelry. And it is a very sexist holiday. Why can't I get flowers? Or better yet, some kind of electronic device? New set of Golf clubs? A six-pack of beer? A bottle of bourbon?
     They say the best gift comes from the heart, but if you draw a picture in crayon and give it your girlfriend...You will be sleeping alone. Why isn't the macaroni art I  gave you good enough to show that I care?
     Instead of dedicating a song to you, you expect me to buy you an iPod touch. What the hell am I getting for this? A prostitute would be cheaper...and at least with her I know I will not have to hear about her having a headache.
But if you really love her, you should buy her diamonds...I don't even like myself enough to buy me diamonds. And once you get her that ring, bracelet, or necklace, you then are expected to go to dinner.
     These dinners always tickle me because you can see the excitement on almost every guys face...They all look like they just gambled away the mortgage in Vegas. You can see them doing math in their heads for the interest payments they will have make while secretly hoping she doesn't want dessert!
     Yes, it is a sexist holiday. I mean if it were geared equally to both men and women they would hang condoms up for sale by the candy and flowers. Or maybe boxes of ammo in the jewelry store. You can be like baby I got you this 14k gold 2k diamond ring at Kays, and she can be like and I got you this AR15 with ACOG scope and 30 round mag in the same place!
     And then you have your married friends throwing Valentines Day parties, while your single friends throwing anti-Valentines Day parties...which they are only against because they are single.
     So, I think I'm gonna start a new tradition this year. I want you to come over to my house. Let me sell you a bunch of junk you don't need. So that you can give it to someone who will probably dump you in a year. And we will call this event Valemercialism.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Facebook Has Been Playing Games With Me

Oh Facebook, you have so many ways in which to waste my time already...do we really need the myraid of games too?
I just noticed that Jody needs a pie so that he can fight a rattlesnake...Alex needs reinforcements so that his army isn't routed...Sara just hit me with a snowball...Mandy has more Valentines than me...Jenny wants me to help her knock over a liqour store...and don't get me started on Farkel...what the **** are power dice anyway?
I can't even grow weeds and you want me to manage a whole farm?
And managing a restaurant?  That seems like more of a pain in the ass than any possible virtual reward could ever make up for. It takes 3 days to prepare a pot roast? No wonder you need help running that Cafe Mr Facebook...your cooks must be using the sunlight as a heating source. Just because old people claim the sidewalk is hot enough to fry an egg doesn't make that a reliable substitute for an oven.
And on the opposite end of the spectrum...what kind of magical seeds are you planting that whole crops can be harvested in hours? That sounds like the shit Jack traded his cow for...
For some reason I don't understand I am allowed to raise llamas and other small forest animals. I am beginning to question my avatars relationship with FrEd the goat that lives in the frontier....
If we spent as much time developing our real lives as we do managing these make believe ones how much better would we be?
And if you want to have the best looking castles, farms, zoo's etc. you can't use the virtual money. Nope, this requires real cash.
So now you're not just antisocial and living in a basement...you're broke and antisocial living in van down by the river.
Well, I guess this rant is over...Oh look, someone just poked me...and I didn't even get dinner first.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Rent A Midget Dot Com

I Heart Midgets! And I know I am not the only one. I mean how many times have you been at a party and yeah it may have seemed like it was awesome but then you get this thought...why isn't there a midget?
I mean I would love to just pick up my phone and hit 1 800 Dial a Midget and have one show up at the party. Sean Combs can't even get a midget at his parties, think on that! Maybe come dressed as that traveling gnome. Or a member of the lolipop guild.
Which leads me to an interesting concept. Rent A Midget.com. You could go online and  pay to have little people come over and spice up a party, a family reunion, a restraining order etc.
They could even be hired to do little skits...like Midget Rodeos with miniture ponies and miniture goats! Or re enact those songs from that movie about candy bars. Imagine Midget Gladitorial sports! Or Midget Nascar, using power wheels vehicles.
Or maybe you just want one to dress as a scarecrow and shoo away vermin from your garden. They could do that too!
This is a landmark idea and I think I'm gonna go register the domain name right now.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A Day at the DMV

Why is it something as simple as renewing your license has become such a chore?
Between the briefcases worth of documents you need to bring now and the fact the person in front of you speaks no English AND will need a road test....I just wanna cry.
So now, I find myself standing in line for an hour...watching two people work the counter. This place is only open on Thursdays and Fridays, but you only hire two people to service 3 counties?
And of course the majority of my time in line is because the non english speaker doesn't know what a birth certificate is...I think she wants to sell the ladies a live chicken or maybe a goat.
Finally I get to the front of the line and find out that the mail I brought isn't good enough to prove residency?
It has my name on it! It is addressed to the new address! I have a birth certificate, a valid drivers license, my high school diploma, last blood work results, an invitation to Chuckie Cheese, a cookie and some lint to show that I am who I say I am...
And its not enough and I am told I need to come back tomorrow....

The World Thru Absinthe Tinted Eyes

This is it. My official first blog. So this one will be to tell you, the reader what you can expect. And that is almost everything. My views on life, religion, sex, movies, the media, politics, and so on and so on will be thrown out here and skewed to almost absurdity.
And why would I make fun of such sensitive topics? Because thats the joke. See...the mystery of life is simple...You exist to alleviate someone elses boredom...and I exist to point it out.
So follow along if you're crazy enough. And until the next post...MissMeMuch