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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

At Least I Have My iPod While I'm iMprisoned

Folks, I can't afford an iPod, but I am thinking about getting sent to prison so that I can get one much cheaper. That's because the U.S Bureau of Prisons is about to allow prison commissaries across the country offer the devices for sale to their consumers. And their consumers are people who are incarcerated. Meaning...they're prisoners.
The MP3 Program is being tested in a women's prison in West Virginia. I wonder if its because women in prison want to hear Barry Manilow before they get taken advantage of? I know that's the tactic my creepy Uncle Lester uses!

Traci Billingsley, the spokeswoman  for the Bureau of Prisons, believes that allowing inmates to listen to music will make prisons safer. She claims "The MP3 program is intended to help inmates deal with issues such as idleness, stress and boredom associated with incarceration." I say if prisoners are bored, maybe we should make them work! Aren't they supposed to be repaying their debt to society? How are they doing that? By listening to Jay-Z or BeyoncĂ©?
Traci swears that no explicit songs will be allowed to download, nor will any songs that could endanger the security of the prison be available. She says this leaves about a million songs that are okay!
Unless those songs are all sung by Barney, I have a hard time agreeing to this program. Prisoners already get gym memberships, meals, shelter, and conjugal visits from women they meet on the Internet, do they really need iPods too?
What's next cable? What...they have that already?
Sounds like prisoners are a lot like teenagers...despite having all the luxuries of life - except freedom, and no responsibilities, they are still bored and need another luxury.
The real question is: "Why allow the people in prison to have these things?"
The answer is simple...it's a business. See, prisons are mostly privatized and that means that the owners need to make money off the prisoners. The best way to do that is to open their version of a Wal-Mart inside the facility. This means that making a prison an uncomfortable hell hole isn't profitable - making a prison an uncomfortable hell hole that you can upgrade is! The best part is that these items are sold for half the price or more of what they would cost to a non-incarcerated individual! For instance, at some prison stores in Pennsylvania, a pack of Marlboro's sells for $2.83 a pack!
Since you can buy items, you can then barter those items with prisoners that can't afford them! This means that you not only recreate the normal economy within the prison, but the black market as well! And since this would be a commodity like cigarettes...will people start killing each other for them?
I wonder if death by headphone strangulation will be listed as "natural causes?"
I also wonder what the future holds in this system that is designed to keep people in rather than rehabilitate and release. This means that instead of teaching people skills to survive with once they are released, they sell them socks, radios, and phone cards.
Pretty soon, going to prison will be like a yearly trip to summer camp...you really don't want to go, but you will have a great time while you are there!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Objects On My Car's Television Are Closer Than They Appear

Folks, federal regulators are getting ready to lay down the law on car makers - by making them look at where they have been!
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is expected to make an announcement concerning the installation of rear view cameras and monitors in every new car in America. See, the government thinks texting while driving is bad, but watching TV while driving is necessary. I wonder if they can pick up the History Channel?
I think legislation to make backing up more safe is necessary when you see these statistics: 224 people die each year from cars backing up and roughly 17,000 people are injured in this manner. Those are big numbers, especially when you compare them to the number of people that die from Staph infection - a mere meager 19,000 people in 2005 alone! Oh and also in 2005, only 94,000 people contracted the disease...so it's obvious that we should go after the car makers rather than attack McDonald's like Erin Jordan has done!
I mean overall, the people that die from walking behind cars as they back up can be attributed to natural selection. It's like those guys that put their fork in the toaster to retrieve the bread. And we all know, that it is in the government's  best interest to keep the stupid alive. This way they keep paying taxes.
Proponents for the measure claim it will only cost the automakers roughly $220. This translates to about five grand for cash strapped customers - try stretching your refund check farther now!

Clarence Ditlow, executive director of the Center for Auto Safety in Washington, had this to say "We haven't done anything else to protect pedestrians. This is one thing we can do and should do." That's right! Rather than testing people's driving skills, enforcing existing legislation, or give pedestrians spike plates to get the last laugh on the asshole that hit them, this is the ONE thing they could do!
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has been spending months planning out this measure, which makes me wonder "if this is the best you guys can come up with, why do you even exist?"
Don't cars already have rear view mirrors? If the guy backing up the car can't use those, what help is a built in TV monitor...I'll bet those TV's get jailbroken within twenty-four hours by a fourteen-year-old that wants to watch porn.
Personally I would like cameras on the side of the cars so that those jackasses that merge without looking can see me flipping them off! Or perhaps build in kill switches that use some kind of ON-Star type technology to be carried by cyclists to prevent them from being run over by people who can see them!
On the other hand, having a camera to watch where you have been could be awesome. Especially if the person behind you is hot. Then it doesn't matter where you are going, because after you rear end the car in front of you, and the hottie rear ends you - you can ask her out!

Monday, February 27, 2012

God Touched Me...Oh Wait That Was My Pastor

Jesus said "Suffer ye not the little children" and a church in Jacksonville, Florida, is following this statement quite literally by banning them from their services. Nothing teaches little kids how much they are wanted than by telling them God doesn't want them around.
But they aren't banning the children to keep the noise down - they are banning them so that a convicted sex offender can continue preaching there! Folks, if being Catholic has taught me anything it's this: if you keep children away from clergy they will grow up unmolested. But wait...what's this you are saying? This is a Baptist Church?
It turns out that while Catholics pay families to keep their kids away from convicted sex offenders that double as the ears and voice of God, Baptists just tell the to go the hell home.
That's because kids don't need Jesus! They have their whole lives to make up for the bad decisions they will inevitably make! It's old people that have to seek forgiveness - because they may die soon!
But, isn't it the responsibility of the parent to bring the child up in the church so that they are better prepared to face the evils of the world?
You see, the controversy started because The Christ Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church has seen attendance rise since their new pastor Darrell Gilyard began preaching there. But when Darrell was a preacher at the Shiloh Baptist Church, he was convicted in 2009 of molesting a fifteen year old girl and of sending lewd text messages to another underage girl. And these are the girls that we know about...
Is this what the religious mean when they say hate the sin and not the sinner? Because they clearly show that they hate children by allowing a man that preys on them to remain in a church that they cannot! It's like the 12 step program for pedophiles. Just like A.A. removes the alcohol from around you so that you aren't tempted, this church removed the thing that tempts Darrell the most! I mean he's only human right? It's not his fault that underage and impressionable girls trusted a good god-fearing Christian man who's sole job duty is to protect them from evils wrought in this world. Anyone could have made this mistake, so why punish Darrell? That's why the Christ Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church hired him just days after he was released from prison!
Imagine if Darrell had wanted to be a principle, would these people have told kids that school isn't the place for them? It's kind of like letting a convicted car thief work as a valet at a place that caters to people that drive expensive, foreign imports - only the patrons can only arrive by bicycle.
And what message are we sending to kids anyway? "Look Susie, in order to protect you from monsters we are going to forbid you from hearing about our faith because we like being taught by a monster."
And what are kids to turn to for guidance? If their parents think that it's okay to molest young girls, maybe they will also think it's okay to be a crack addict! Or a prostitute! It's not like they have any clue as to what constitutes good role models.
The only difference between Darrell and other pedophiles is that instead of offering them candy, he's offering salvation. Maybe he tells them something like this:
"Hi little girl. Do you like Jesus? Well, I like Jesus too. I think we should go back to my place and talk about Jesus as God intended - Naked."
I could have sworn  I read in the bible, right before Jesus says "suffer not the little children", he states that anyone who hurts a child will never find forgiveness in the eyes of his father...but maybe I misread that quote from Matthew Chapter 18.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Praying The Gay To Stay

Folks, a lot of people get frustrated by religious groups and their practices. Especially, when those practices infringe upon the rights of others. Like that neighbor of mine at the lake who thought he was Jesus and told everyone that God demanded he always be naked in public and he should start a colony in his back yard - I don't like speaking ill of the dead, but I am glad George isn't with us anymore!
And speaking of the dead, that brings us to what started this whole blog - Mormons. Now before anyone gets all angry and upset let me say, I have known many, many Mormons and they are really cool - although sometimes, odd people. As a matter of fact, I practiced with them for about a year in my effort to understand them.
But I digress.
This morning one of my readers made me aware of the Savage Love blog. And on this blog was the following rant:
HEY, EVERYBODY: You know how Mormons "baptize" dead people who weren't Mormons—including Holocaust victims—because Mormons believe they have a right to choose Mormonism for the deceased? And you know how the Mormon Church says that being gay is a choice? The same church that doesn't think you should have a choice about being posthumously baptized? Well, now you can choose homosexuality for dead Mormons! Just go to www.AllDeadMormonsAreNowGay.com, enter the name of a deceased Mormon or ask the site to find a dead Mormon for you, and—presto!—that dead Mormon gets to have a gay afterlife!
Between their magic underwear and baptizing the dead, Mormons can't get any respect. They are like the Rodney Dangerfield of religions!
Now this whole debate came about when the Church of Latter Day Saints claimed that "you can't be born gay, it's a choice," kind of like whether to eat pasta or steak. Now this upset many in the Gay and Lesbian community, who then chose to be offended. After they were offended, someone chose to lash out at the church. By creating a website that let's you convert Mormon's into homosexuality. The idea is the same, in the first the Mormon's make the choice to baptize you for you - no consent or knowledge necessary! And now, people can do the same to random Mormon's. And if you don't know any Mormons don't worry - the website will randomly find one for you! It's like the one stop shopping for gayness!
Mormons perform baptism for the dead so that everyone can go to Heaven - you can now baptize dead people so that their Heaven is fabulous. But I don't think this idea is taking it far enough!Why not have a website called "All Dead Klan Members Are Gay" or "That Dead Misogynistic Asshole Is Now Gay Since He Hated Women SO Much He Won't Have To Share His Afterlife With One."
And since you can make anyone gay, what would happen if someone typed in "Jesus" - would that make our Lord and Savior now gay? Would salvation require assless chaps? Would the Catholic Church make people say 5 Hail Mary's and recite lines from Queer Eye For the Straight Guy?
I'd bet there would be a parade and everything to get into the City of Gold...speaking of, isn't gold tacky? Would they repaint?
Perhaps in the afterlife, people can finally be accepted for who they are. Since Mormons are erasing all other religions,  there will only be Mormonism in Heaven. And since people can now make dead Mormons gay, there will be no sex discrimination either.
I think the idea of making everyone in the afterlife gay would be a great one - just make sure you make me a lesbian!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Happy Birthday Old Man

Someone once told me that you are only as old as you feel...or maybe that you are only as old as what you are feeling? Either way, that is kind of creepy. I mean she's barely 18 and you're how old? Maybe you should start pursuing women your own age - especially since today, you are one year older...just saying.
Besides the best way to deal with a birthday is to use alcohol. I mean, what better way to forget that you are one step closer to the grave than by getting smashed - so that you feel one step closer to the grave. Not only that but alcohol can create a paradox if you drink enough of it! That's because if you over indulge you can understand what it's like to be both an infant and to be old - because you've probably pissed yourself!
Just don't go out buying fancy sport's cars or other toys you don't need - because as old as you are isn't it really too late now anyway? Let's face it, before you can actually enjoy it, your kids will be inheriting it!
I'd be willing to bet that they already have your nursing home picked out! They are like wait till dad starts pissing himself, because he is going to Shady Sands.
Speaking of getting old, be sure to return your AARP form so that you can get your discounts at Shoney's. But don't worry, you aren't over the hill just yet, I am sure you have plenty of good years left. They just need to be experienced slower, you wouldn't want to throw your back out again right? And 6:30 isn't too early for bedtime, it's normal at your age! 
Hopefully this years birthday will be better than last years. That was a disaster right? But at least she will always remember you though! I mean, how often does a girl you've only dated twice walk into her bathroom to find a guy butt-ass naked and vomiting into her purse, because he mistook it for the toilet? From the stories her friends told, I have to ask what the hell did you have that night because it was everywhere and it stained the walls!
So basically what I am saying is have a Happy Birthday...and try not to seduce my dog this year. Scruffy still isn't over the scare. I know you thought she was just a really ugly chick...but it was my dog. My really, small and in no way possible resembles a person, dog.

Monday, February 20, 2012

A Bulls-Eye On My Baby

Folks, Facebook isn't the first corporation to steal away your privacy. Nope that honor belongs to someone else whom I am not discussing tonight. Instead I plan to discuss one of my favorite stores...a store that is stalking you.
I'm looking at you Target!
Ladies, beware your shopping habits at this retailer, because according to Forbes Magazine, "Target will know that you are pregnant before you do." That's right...Target is magical! Forbes Magazine claims that it is science though.
See, Target is like Batman...now wait hear me out...See the Batman I read growing up collected data on everyone he met. He learned your habits, your likes, your dislikes, and he basically invented the e-harmony of beating the shit out of you. Now Target hasn't taken it quite that far yet, but like Batman, they have been studying you. Every purchase you have made with debit/credit cards has been saved and scrutinized. But they don't just follow your shopping habits with their chain - no, they buy information about you from anyone willing to talk! They learn EVERYTHING there is to know about you! From your salary to your race to when you lost your virginity! And after a few years of this type of research, they figured something out. They can predict whether or not someone has a bun in the oven.
In 2002, Target hired Andrew Pole, a master statistician, to help find trends in shoppers habits. Andrew started by studying baby registries. He tracked the purchases made by the women who had registered their upcoming bundle of joy. He probably followed them around. Took pictures. Sent unwanted gifts and made awkward attempts of affection. I think he even filmed the birthing process.
All of this surveillance led Andrew to understand women...most specifically pregnant women.
For instance, pregnant women tend to buy more fragrance-free lotions than non-pregnant ones. They also buy more vitamins. Target monitors this very closely, you see. And ladies, if yesterday you bought a jasmine scented lotion, but next week you start buying fragrance-free - you can expect to be courted by the retail giant.
At first, they would send specially made "baby-book advertisements" to the women they felt confident were pregnant. And they didn't just send this to the expectant mother, they sent it to her family and friends as well. This didn't go over very well...one man called Target in a fit of rage over his teenage daughter receiving one of these packets through the mail. He accused the chain of "attempting to coerce his daughter into having pre-marital sex and getting pregnant before she even graduated high school."
The manager of the local store he called apologized profusely...a few days later, the father called the manager again. I imagine that manager took a deep breath when he was told who was calling - bracing himself for the barrage to come! But this time it was the father apologizing , because after talking to his daughter, he learned she was indeed due in August - the exact time-frame Target had mentioned in their specially made baby ad for her! That's right - Target even knew when she was due!!!
Even though this wasn't at all creepy, Target decided to change their tactics. They wanted to hide the fact that it was a baby specific advertisement by putting random ads for other items next to breast pumps and bassinets. They would put ads for chainsaws next to ads for Pampers. Ads for the newest movie release next to ads for strollers.
The scariest part - Target is thinking of selling this formula to other businesses. Just think, one day all of our advertisements can be tailored to our lives.
Wait...Target just sent me a specialized advertisement that is mostly filled with scarves, chains, toy police gear, sleeping masks, ball gags, and other leather products - I wonder what are they trying to say?

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Stripped Of All But Pride...Wait That's Gone Too

I love going to Wal-Mart only because you never know what you are going to see. But I don't think anyone at the Exton, Pennsylvania, store expected to see a six foot four 300 lb man naked and stealing socks.
CCTV footage shows Lamont Taylor disrobing completely in the parking lot and then entering the store. I think he did this so he wouldn't have to wait in lines! And judging by witnesses reactions, people will make way for a huge naked guy!
After stripping, Taylor began shopping. He browsed through all of the departments and checked out merchandise while onlookers checked out his goods. If I had the balls to walk around a Wal-Mart naked, I would have randomly brushed up against unaware bystanders. But I guess when you are 300 lbs, you already are used to being stared at.
Eventually tiring of window shopping, Taylor makes his way to the sock department where he proceeds to put on a pair. I think Taylor is just a quitter - either go all out or go home young man!
Eventually management stopped laughing long enough to call authorities. Police officers approached the bare-skinned giant and asked him to calmly come with them to which he responded by spitting in their faces.
Now folks...It cannot be stressed enough...pissing off law enforcement is never a good idea. And this 32 year old learned just how bad an idea this was when the law responded...by tazing him.
Now I must admit, if this hadn't been funny enough before, now you have a naked man bouncing around on the floor like a fish out of water! The undraped thirty something was arraigned on charges of indecent exposure, aggravated assault, simple assault, retail theft, receiving stolen property and disorderly conduct.
My question is: how indecent was it really? I mean the guy is 300 lbs for Christs sake! I am betting you couldn't even see anything. At that much weight it would be like he was wearing a skin colored suit.
Maybe he was just trying to get back to a more natural state of living and then decided that his feet needed to work up to complete nudeness. Maybe if he had worked up to that with his genitals he wouldn't have had his ass hauled off to jail.
I'll bet he was very popular there, though. And isn't that what life is all about? Making new friends? Maybe he was trying to pull off that trick from "How I Met Your Mother." You know the one...where you get naked and hope that someone feels so bad for you that they sleep with you. But considering the types of people that normally hang out at Wally World, maybe this trick will actually work!
Of course he could have just been making a statement. One other than "Here's my dong." And what if he has it right. Clothes are so commercialized. We wear people's names on our crotches. Maybe we should shed this system of control and be free...and freezing. To watch the video go here.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I'm Coming To Join You Elizabeth

The Heart Attack Grill lived up to its name when an unnamed man in his 40's suffered a heart attack in the Las Vegas restaurant.
The Heart Attack Grill is a small chain of restaurants that started in Chandler, Arizona. It uses a hospital motif in which the owner dresses as a surgeon and all the waitresses dress in that naughty nurse Halloween costume. They feature such delicacies as Flatliner Fries and By-pass Burgers. The by-pass burgers come in four types and they are: the Single By-Pass Burger, the Double By-Pass Burger, the Triple By-Pass Burger, and the 8,000 calorie Quadruple By-Pass Burger.
That's right. The Quad has as many calories as dietitians say should be consumed in four days - sounds heavenly! And for one patron, it almost was...
That's because everything at The Heart Attack Grill is fried in lard. And instead of a salad bar, they have an ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT french fry bar. They spare no excess and they believe their customers think the same way. This is why they don't sell anything that is even remotely healthy! Want a diet drink or some kinda juice? Well, guess what? People in Hell want ice-water and they have the same chance of getting that as you have of getting a non-caffeinated sugarless beverage at the Heart Attack Grill!
The founder, one "Dr" Jon Basso, wanted to create a restaurant that could be called "Nutritional Pornography." And after looking at the scantily clad waitresses that make Hooters Girls look modest, I would say he succeeded! He also wanted to create a business with food so bad for you that it is "shocking." Their mission statement is simple, "Doctors agree that continually cycling body weight up and down is one of the very worst things a person can do to themselves. That's why our program is focused upon keeping your weight in an extremely stable, gradual, and constant upward slope." Considering he lets anyone that weighs more than 350 lbs eat free as often as they want, I would say that he has succeeded there as well!
Dr Jon boasts "Don't eat here everyday or YOU WILL DIE." I don't know if the best marketing strategy is to tell your customers that your product will kill them, but it seems to work for tobacco - so what do I know?
The menu screams "I hate my own body!" with the buttermilk shakes, the limitless Flatliner fries, and the Quad Burger that comes with: four half pound patties covered in eight slices of cheese, four strips of bacon, whole tomato, half an onion, and a bun that was soaked in lard. I am getting fat just reading about this place!
Did I mention this place has a fully stocked bar and that shots were served in syringes?
I am surprised no one else has keeled over in this place...oh wait...the mascot, a 575 lb man named Blair River, died on March 1, 2011 due to pneumonia - at age 29!
On the upside, if you manage to finish the Quad a waitress will put you into a wheelchair and take you to your car...presumably so you don't die from a heart attack trying to walk there yourself.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I Will Beat Your Kids

Anger management classes are great ways to help teach violent people ways to deal with their emotions that doesn't involve a baseball bat. However, sometimes it does not work!
This is a lesson that a counselor in Louisville, Kentucky, learned the hard way. 
The unnamed counselor was hosting an anger management session with Misty Lawson, 30, and her 10 year old son. Throughout the session the counselor claimed that Misty smacked her son, but it was when her son told her to "stop bitch," that Misty went ape-shit crazy. And she punched her son in the face. Repeatedly.
If my children called me a bitch, I think I would punch them in the face too. So I say way to go Misty, after all she is a very reasonable person most of the time as shown by her blogs on her MySpace site which has the URL stating "happy I am not you":
"haters
bitch don't b mad cause i had him 1st! don't b mad u no i am his true love & u were just a phase a mistake. i am da 1 u wish 2 b. when he fucked u he thought of me! 5* my ass bitch ur 2nd class! on my level u will never be! fuck u bitch get like me! u can't fight, ur pussy is okay, if it weren't 4 ur cock sucking habits u would of never been! get ur own & quit chasing after my leftovers! u no u will never take my place! i will always come out on top! bitch if ur brave comment!"
 See, completely rational! She also had this to say back in April of 2010:
"changes
Current mood:indifferent
life is always changing. so da ? is do u roll wit da punches r do u stand firm & fight 4 what u want & believe? is it easier 2 wake up everyday put a smile on 4 da world & fake it through all da bullshit? is it ok 2 block out & ignore everything n ur life that u dislike? r is it right 2 say fuck every1 i no what makes me happy not u! i no what i want! this is my life damn it! I AM NOT SCARED! i chose 2 b happy no matter what obstacles get n my way! i will get through them. i am gonna b happy. how do u deal wit being pulled n 2 different directions. wanting 2 different things. a wise person told me Misty if u chose da wrong 1 u will lose them both. life is always testing u. seeing what u will do. tempting u! teasing u! seeing what choices u will make. life changes so fast. how do u no ur making da right choice? a dumb girl once told me if u marry 4 $ u will never get old. if u had 2 pick finacial security & a good life r true luv without da $ which 1 would u pick? which is best???"
See she rolls with the punches! That way she doesn't get injured when she is beating her kids! And with grammar like this, I know she really is a temptress, and if you don't think so then just tell her - she ain't scared!
Cops arrived at the therapy session and found major bruises all over the young boys face and arrested Ms. Lawson. Misty defended her actions by saying that her son has "behavioral problems" and that she did what was necessary to "defend herself." That's because scrawny 10-year-olds are terrifying and able to easily beat down people three times their size, so you have to strike fast and hard if you want to survive!
She also claims to love her kids more than anything and everyone knows that if you love someone, you show them tough love. Of course, most say that meaning you shouldn't indulge their every whim, but I guess if you are only indulging their faces with your fists it works out the same!Her pictures on MySpace are cropped to show off her best "ass"ets, i.e. her pretty smile that masks the solemn warrior within. If only she had shown the therapist this side of her, maybe she wouldn't have gone to jail!
Child Endangerment Services took the children out of her custody pending hearings. Which means that now she can focus on "sex with virgins" and prepping up on continuing her lifestyle as "professional baby maker."
This isn't Misty's first run-in with the law. Her rap-sheet includes arrests for possessing stolen property, marijuana, menacing, resisting arrest, and contempt of court. Back in June 2011, Misty and "her man" Derek Noel were arrested because they supposedly left their kids in a hot car while they had pictures taken together. Prosecutors felt that this was perfectly acceptable and didn't pursue a case against her.
She was due for arraignment yesterday, Valemercialism Day, and unless the judge was similar to the one I wrote about from Broward County then perhaps she can get some alone time in the County. Perhaps after spending time with women that would kill you just as soon as speak, Misty will learn that violence isn't the answer. Perhaps she will learn this...after they violate her a bit...

*Side note...click on MySpace anywhere in this blog to see her MySpace profile.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

After I Spank You On The Couch, I Will Spank You At Bowling

Everyone I would like to take this moment to wish you the Happiest of Valemercialism Day's! If you don't know what Valemercialism is just click here.
Many people today are trying to solve their problems with cheesy cards, junk food, and the vagina of plants. And some people are trying to solve other people's problems by forcing them to buy those things!
A judge from Broward County, Florida, is trying to put the act of love back into acts of domestic ViOLEnce. 
Earlier this week, Judge John Hurley handed down a sentence that sounded like it was straight from a Hollywood movie...the sentence was given to Joseph Bray after he was charged with domestic violence.
Bray and his wife started their evening arguing because Bray, like many men, forgot that it was his wife's birthday. His wife was absolutely livid that he hadn't wished her one, even though it was on her Facebook wall that she called out the husband's neglectful behavior. Instead of saying "Happy Birthday" to the woman that chooses to sleep with him, Bray became angry and acted as if his wife was making up the fact that she had been born. This soon escalated until Bray had no choice but to choke the shit out of his wife. Plantation City Police arrested Bray for what they believed was a crime, but the judge had other ideas. After hearing the story, Judge Hurley allegedly agreed that if he had been in Bray's place, he would have choked the shit out of her too. He showed this agreement when he handed down the sentence.
Normally, a sentence for domestic violence in the State of Florida would include a minimum (I'll stress that again - minimum) of 5 days in jail. But Judge Hurley doesn't believe in the law. Instead he sentenced Bray to a much harsher penalty...dinner at Red Lobster.
And he has to take his wife with him. So basically the judge said to this poor woman "I know he beat the shit out of you, so not only am I not going to make him serve any time...I am going to force you both to get E.Coli and go on a date together."
But that isn't the extent of Bray's "punishment."
Bray was also sentenced to buy his wife a birthday card and flowers. And to take her bowling.
I don't know about you, but nothing says non-violent more than playing a game that requires you to throw a heavy object into smaller objects in the hopes of smashing them to hell like bowling does.
The judge felt that it was a "minor incident" and that it "wouldn't be repeated." That's because choking isn't bad if you eventually let the person breathe and in his spare time, Judge Hurley subs in for Miss Cleo.
If choking the life out of someone is minor then I would hate to find out what a major incident is.
Judge Hurley also proclaims that normally the court takes acts of domestic violence seriously but due to the fact this case was a waste of his time he found some alternatives.
He even told Bray that he didn't have to let his wife win!
So there ya have it folks, the moral to Valemercialism, it brings batterers and victims together for cheesy biscuits and 10 pin!