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Saturday, December 22, 2012

Genius(ly) Mixed Racism

Folks, Apple is Racist.
Now, before I lose a few of you, let me explain how I came to this realization. It all starts with iTunes. iTunes has a feature for the iPod called "Genius Mix."  This is like a DJ built into your iPod that will create you a playlist based on a single song choice. The idea is that you pick one song that you like, and "Genius Mix" creates a playlist with 24 other songs that are similar to your choice.
Now, I don't know the algorithms that are involved, but it works really well...as long as you pick music by white people.
This is where the racism comes in...let's say you pick a song like "Human Nature" by Michael Jackson. This song is kinda popish and could be in a playlist with Brittany Spears and Regina Spektor - both of which I have on iTunes!
But no, my iPod creates a playlist of 25 songs that only consists of African-American artists! I like James Brown as much as the next guy, but why does 6 of the 25 songs matched to "Human Nature" have to be his? The remainder of the list consisted of: Usher, the Black Eyed Peas (before they added Fergie), Janet Jackson, Macy Grey, Jay Z, Lil' Wayne, the Inkspots, and it included the "I love you" song that Barney sings on his show.
I thought that this was a fluke, so I recreated the experiment over and over choosing a different African-American artist each time and each time it only paired them with other African-Americans. It didn't care that these people were ALL different genres of music! It only mattered that they shared a similar complexion!
I picked Lil' Wayne as a starting point and it skipped Eminem as an option and told me that the Supreme's were a closer match!
That's like saying the Pope and Tony Soprano could be bff's just because they are both Italian.
But then I wondered, "does it work both ways?"
I could have recreated this experiment over and over, just as I had the first time, but I really didn't want to. Instead, I tried this like three times and decided that would be enough. So, instead of real numbers, I will pull a completely fabricated statistic out of my ass and claim that iTunes is racist 90% of the time. That's because it doesn't care how similar a song is, it only cares how similar the singers are! It does a damn good job of creating playlists of similar songs when you start with a song by a white guy, it just won't include any black people in that grouping! But, if the artist is black, it will just throw together a list of music that is performed by  African-Americans! It doesn't care that the music choices don't make sense! It just assumes that all black people sound the same!
I say we should boycott Apple until they end this segregation! Why can't Macy Grey and Fiona Apple sing together as equals? Why must Janet Jackson be denied the joy of working with Paula Abdul again? Why the hell would it ever add James Brown to a playlist 6 times?
If iTunes works like this, then what is Apple TV like? If I asked it to suggest programming for me what would it say? Would it tell me that the Jeffersons is comparable to Martin? Sure they both had annoying characters, but nothing is comparable to Shanaynay!
Folks, racism is an American construct, and nothing is more American than Apple pie, but if the tech giant doesn't want to end the Jim Crow Music laws, then I say that Apple is the dessert that we should all skip.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Women Are Destroying America

Folks, we are facing a looming threat. A threat that is so apocalyptic that it will destroy all of America. A threat known as women...or to be specific: independent women. That's right everyone, watch out for free thinking women because they may express something that many men rightly fear: an opinion.
This is one of the many claims that pastor Kevin Swanson is making on his podcasts: Generations with Visions. Swanson said that women are "leading the charge to socialism" because they "no longer seek security in their fathers or husbands."
And don't even get him started on women in politics...no, really don't get him started because you might punch him in the face. Swanson claims that it is "unnatural to allow women to rule." That's because he believes that the only place women belong is in bed or in the kitchen doing the only things he claims they are good for: "cooking or breeding."
Folks, while this may seem completely sexist, perhaps Swanson has a point. If women start thinking for themselves instead of blindly following a misogynist who is probably secretly homosexual (more on that in a moment), they may make decisions that are in their personal best interests. This method of thought would inevitably put people like Swanson out of work. Then Swanson would be forced to stand in a welfare line with other socialists to beg the government for handouts.
Swanson also warns us that Democrats want us all to become homosexuals and become drug addicts by pushing for the legalization of same-sex marriage and marijuana. That's right Obama, we know your master plan! You want us all to get high and have a "gay old time" - just like those swingers on the Flintstones! But you can't fool us Mr. President...thanks to informed pastor's like Swanson, who teach us hate, intolerance, and the importance of a male dominated society - mainly because those pastors want to be dominated by males. I can only assume that if your master plan succeeds Mr. President that Swanson will then release his new autobiography "Fifty Shades of Gay."
But, there is a biblical precedence for the Democrats push to legalize both of these agendas at the same time. After all, Leviticus 20:13 says that if a man should have sexual relations with another man as he would with a woman, that they should both be stoned. So, see legalizing weed only makes sense!
This isn't the first time that Swanson has attacked the LGBT community as he once called same-sex parents "the most devastating thing to happen to America." I think he is absolutely right. After all, most Americans would rather deal with Hurricane's like Sandy and Katrina on a daily basis than watch a child grow up in a loving home.
Swanson also abhors abortion and claims that "any one who doesn't vote for a pro-life candidate is pro-abortion and enjoys killing kids." He then goes on to talk passionately about the good ole days when Christians could kill sinners to reduce the spread of temptation. After all, it's okay to murder people who have already been born, it's just a sin to kill them before that!
This is the fundamental right of being a Christian - you can legally call for the death of anyone who verbally disagrees with your message and remain righteous! Christians know that only people who will be going to hell would dare seek to "murder their unborn kids" to prevent adding additional drains on society and welfare.
Kevin Swanson is the epitome of Christianity. He only wants what is best for us by seeking the death penalty for those who practice homosexuality, abortion, non-Christian religions, the uplifting of women, and walking while chewing gum.
So, America, let's fight these growing menaces while we still can. If you see a woman thinking for herself, remind her immediately that the bible says she is wrong. And if she argues, call her a sinner and demand the death penalty...after all, that is what Kevin Swanson's sermons urge you to do.

Friday, November 16, 2012

I Would Love To Give You Some Advice

Folks, over the years I have learned quite a bit about relationships. That's why today, I plan to share my words of wisdom. Everyone can use a little advice on the art of romance, right?

1. Cute Pet Names. No, I am not talking about what to name your Yorkie; I am talking about what to name your significant other. They should be imaginative, yet flattering. I suggest trying them out on co-workers first though to avoid awkwardness. For instance, out of the blue I told Joan that she was my "snuffaluffagus" - I mean, we all loved him/her on Sesame Street, right? I was thinking that she was my cute, cuddly, too good to be true so she must be only my imagination, girlfriend...and she was pissed. Apparently my idea of what the name meant did not transition well. She thought I was calling her a hairy, big-nosed and eared freak. Sleeping on the stairs has taught me to get opinions on nicknames before randomly blurting them out. I should also state that the terms "cow", "bunny", and "stalker" are not suggested. Instead go for something more unique to that person's personality such as: a great nickname for me after calling Joan a "cow" would have been dumbass or hospitalized.
2. Make a Gesture. Okay sure, some people think flipping the bird at each other is romantic, but this wasn't the gesture that I am referring to. I mean burn her an effigy, to show her that she sets you on fire. You can also tattoo her picture on your forehead so that everyone can see who is on your mind. It isn't creepy, it's devotion - like that one guy professing his love to Ryan and Romney!
3. Get a Little Physical. It's easy to show you care just by a few slight touches and caresses, so nothing should say "I love you" more than punching each other in the face. You can also sneak up behind him or her and profess your love with a well-placed sleeper hold.
4. Lingerie. Guys, this is one is for you. You should wear thongs and bikini's just for her. Nothing screams sexy more than using a piece of string to cover up your fat ass. She will have no choice but to swoon - maybe more because of the smells...but, hey, whatever works.
5. Make a Mockery of Her Choice of Soaps. Folks, don't tell your significant other that their choice in over-priced facial cleaning products looks a lot like semen...and then say they could have saved money by taking it from the tap...
6.  Let Her Know You Were Thinking About Her. Okay, so leaving that "love stain" on the front seat of Joan's car didn't go over so well...I just thought it show her that I was thinking about her...while touching myself...Based on the fallout of that experience I would suggest that you just text or call.
7. Pick Up After Yourself. Leaving a package for an alcohol wipe on the dresser or a candy wrapper on the coffee table will not earn you any favors. Combing through the house to find hidden presents can be fun, but combing through the house to find the garbage that you can't seem to get to the receptacle isn't a scavenger hunt - it's maid service.
8. Tell Him the Truth. Okay, now this one may seem like a good idea, but it depends on what truth you plan to tell him. For instance, avoid truth's like: "I am so glad I lowered my expectations otherwise I would have never considered dating you." In cases where blunt honesty could give me neurosis, I prefer that you lie to me.

9. The "Newness" Factor. This one is for people who are just starting out. Never compare dating them with moving into a new place or buying a new car. Sure, on the positive side, this just simply means that like those two above situations the two of you have to make adjustments and possible compromises, but it will come off as sounding like you have a huge case of buyers remorse. I would be left wondering what happens when the new car smell goes away...should I change my deodorant then? Get a wash and a wax?
10. Cleaning. This contribution comes from my co-conspirator, Lilith. "The Samael guide to housecleaning, fact 10: Wet towels dry faster in pairs! - while many people foolishly assume that stacking wet towels produces mold, and waste precious time refolding dry towels to create space for wet ones when all hooks are full, it is an under appreciated fact that wet towels love company! That's right. So, next time you're strapped for a hook to hang your wet towel, just look for another, nearly as wet towel already hanging, and voila! A match made in mildew heaven!"

And there you have it folks...hopefully this advice will be invaluable to you as you move towards committed bliss. I should note that if you do all of the things mentioned above and she still decides to stay with you...you should propose immediately because she


  • A) is obviously in love with your dumb ass.
  • B) is able to appreciate a good joke.
  • C) reads my blog and, thus, proof that the two of you have something in common.
  • D) really did lower her sights and you hit the lottery.


Until next time, faithful readers...

Monday, November 12, 2012

My Own Personally Obese Yoga

Folks, I am a yogi. No, I am not referring to me being a bear that steals picnic baskets - I am talking about the art of twisting one's body into painful to look at and often uncomfortable positions. However, saying I am a yogi is like saying George W Bush is a member of Mensa International.
I am like the Chris Farley of Yogi's. In other words, I am a fat bastard that spends more time and energy trying to figure out how to get into a pose than actually being in the pose itself.
My instructor has tried to help me. She has told me that I shouldn't care whether or not I am achieving the pose because it is my own personal yoga. But I can't even achieve child's pose! That is supposedly a pose that is so easy a child can do it - well then, those are some talented f***ing children!
My version of downward facing dog should be renamed "toilet hugging frat boy" - mainly because I look like I could vomit at any minute. My dog actually can achieve this pose, and she looks at me lamely as I butcher it - she even barks at me and rolls her eyes to let me know how badly I am f***ing it up!
I dare the manliest of men to try the yoga push-up. I thought regular push-ups were hard! Joan can do like thirty in a minute...I can do one in thirty minutes. Okay, I'll admit that while most men would be intimidated by a woman who is physically stronger than they are, I can honestly say it turns me on a bit.
The arm balance poses are the worst. Apparently, I have no upper body strength at all. Take crow pose for instance. This pose has one balancing their body on their forearms. I can do that - for a second...then, I am punching the floor with my face. I even tried putting a blanket between me and the tile, but that only made me slide forward and crash into a wall like a drunken roller-blader.
Then there are poses that anyone can do. Like sitting up straight with your legs straight in front of you...of course, when I say anyone, I actually mean anyone other than me because I can't get my gut out of the way enough to be able to properly sit up. Instead of making a 90 degree angle, I make the letter "V". Usually these poses come after the more challenging poses, so not only do I look like a "V", I  am so out of breath that I sound like a wounded caribou. You have to understand that yoga is breathing, so, it is safe to say that you don't want the fire department to show up at your studio because they mistook your wheezing for a four alarm fire.
Other poses have caused me to do in-depth soul-searching to understand their meanings. I think I figured out why they call them the "warrior" poses. It's because you are waging war with yourself to achieve them. Sure, they look easy enough, but I can tell you that it isn't hard to fall over and land on your neighbor - which is why no one will work out next to me anymore. Also, you should be careful that you don't accidentally judo-chop someone as you transition from Warrior I to Warrior II. Doing this will make even the most devout pacifist slap the living shit out of you.
The only pose I am good at is savasana or corpse pose. That's because it only requires me to lay on my back and sleep. The worst thing I can do to screw this up is to snore - which will inevitably led to Joan kicking the hell out of me in order to get me to stop. She says something about savasana supposed to be meditation not sleep, but I say if they didn't want you passed out they wouldn't make the work-out so exhausting and then following that up by dimming the lights and playing Barry Manilow in the background. There are only two reasons to dim the lights and play Manilow - and after a yoga workout, you are too tired for one of them.
A few years ago, I attempted yoga and was laughed out of the gym by a group of pretentious snobs. Now, I have found a studio that doesn't care if I am competent, so long as I show up. I could take a nap in the back of the room for the whole session and they would encourage me to keep chasing enlightenment! I love those guys (and gals)!
For better or worse, I am a yogi...even if my perceptions of it all may seem a little twisted. I love attempting to enter a contortionists territory...even if all I achieve is flopping around the floor like a whale on crowded beach.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Blown Away By Criticism

Folks, I, like several others, have a bone to pick with our President. Not only has he failed to make unicorns piss out rainbows, he has now committed the ultimate faux pas. He reacted to quickly to a natural disaster. The nerve of some people. Doesn't he know that it is unAmerican for a politician to show any compassion for the American people? Why didn't he take a page out of Romney's book? At least Romney had the good sense to ignore the storm completely and instead travel to Ohio to continue campaigning!
This is the claim being made by former FEMA director, Michael Brown. Brown is criticizing the President for quickly organizing the Federal Government in relief efforts for those affected by Hurricane Sandy. He believes that Obama should have reacted to Sandy the same way that he reacted to Katrina - by letting the storm kill as many minorities and poor people as possible before intervening! Like Romney, Brown "believes the President could have benefited from delaying interest in the people's welfare."
That's right Barack! If you really wanted to get re-elected, you would have continued campaigning instead of rushing back to D.C. in order to mobilize FEMA! After all, 47% of all Americans already think they are entitled and if you rush to rescue rich people then you risk raising that statistic to the full 100! But maybe that's the Presidents plan...perhaps he wants to transform the wealthy into a bunch of leeches who drain billions of tax payer's monies! Then they may try to get tax breaks for dancing horses or have the lawns of their corporate offices relandscaped at the tax payers expense.
Rich people, don't fall for this subtle tactic - resist the Federal aid being handed out to you. After all, you believe that everyone should stand on their own feet and not look to the government for resources. Remember if you accept FEMA's help, you are accepting welfare - and then, if you do that, what will you claim separates you from the poor?
I also think that the President was showing arrogance by remaining calm in the face of adversity! After all during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Brown sent out e-mails asking "can I quit?" and saying "I really don't want to do this anymore." Why couldn't the President have just pretended that he was as terrified and unfit for leadership as Brown? If he had, then Brown would have just clapped him on the shoulder and welcomed him to the Republican Party! And once Obama was in the Republican Party, we wouldn't need Mitt Romney to fix the economy!
Besides, it isn't the Presidents job to react decisively to natural disasters. That job belongs to the Weather Channel. Otherwise, the job of President would come with a raincoat and a camera crew crazy enough to stand outside while the wind is tossing Volkswagen's around. He needs to stick to the issues - like what kind of toast to order at Denny's or how often to visit Camp David! Doesn't Obama realize that these are the only concerns that most Americans have? This storm only affected 13 states, that isn't even half! Sure, these states are more populous than much of the country combined but who needs details. If it doesn't affect the state I live in, then I say let's spend our tax money on more important things - like increasing the payout on Mega-Millions.
Obama, the election is looming. You need to think about what is important - campaigning! Forget all this nonsense about averting tragedies and restoring critical services. That stuff will be there once the election is in the bag. Just forget about FEMA responses and go shake some babies and kiss some hands. After all, it's what the other side is doing so it can't be wrong, right?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Politics Are Just a Bad Lip Read

Folks, regardless of the horrible things that may happen to you, just remember one thing: "God meant for it to happen."
That's the new claim by a Republican Indiana Senate hopeful named Richard Mourdock. Mourdock was specifically addressing women when he made the remark, and he was specifically referring to rape...and pregnancies that occur from it.
See, Mourdock is on a first name basis with the big guy and they talked it out and it turns out that the big guy - well, he is a twisted, old f*** who hates women. Or at least the big guy that Mourdock talks to is anyway! Mourdock claims that "getting raped is part of God's plan" if it "results in pregnancy." That's because God can't be content with the number of people already going to hell, he wants to up the ante by forcing more women to endure traumatic experiences and bring children into the world that they never asked for or wanted.
Mourdock's comments are representative of the entire Republican Party. Just a few days ago, Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said "I like this guy. He thinks like I do. Vote for him." This all follows remarks made by Todd Aiken saying that "legitimate rape never results in pregnancy." So the question is: does that mean that the reason the pregnancies that result from rape are part of God's plan because it technically wasn't rape? Did she send a telepathic signal to her rapist begging for him to violate her?

Is it just me or does all this sound like lines from a Bad Lip Reading? These guys aren't actually saying this stuff, right? I mean, sure sometimes politicians say things that make no sense, like when Rick Perry said "I love hot yellow Kool-Aid" or when Mitt Romney said "and I want everyone to stuff the ice chest", but no one would say anything about rape being God's will! Right? Wait, my staff is telling me that those first two were actually the work of Bad Lip Reading, but apparently that the last soundbite is real.
Well, then...perhaps we can make a valid argument from all of these quotes regardless of who said them. I am not sure if any of the politicians actually said any of this or if it is solely the work of that genius group of people who call themselves Bad Lip Reading, but here is my attempt to make sense of the political messages we all keep hearing today.
Sometimes, your ice chest gets stuffed without your permission in this misogynistic world. But even when God is making you have an Asian baby, you can't lose faith. Just save a pretzel for the gas jets, find the eye of the sparrow, and force badgers and spiders on all of your enemies while telling the world "nyah nyah nyah."

Monday, October 8, 2012

I Just Don't Have The Balls For This

Folks, how many of you have ever thought, "if that man does me wrong one more time - I will chop his balls off?" And after removing his manhood, how many of you wore it as jewelry? Well, rest easy good people, you are not alone!
What started as a romantic love story between a sixty-five year old man and a much younger model turned into a comedy tragedy. This story started when a 21-year-old male underwear model named Renato Seabra "fell in love" with an older journalist named Carlos Castro. Castro was a lonely old man, and Seabra wanted to get out of Portugal - in other words, they had a lot in common! 
It was match made in heaven that started in the Spring of 2010. They danced and sang; they sang and danced. It was perfect...that is until the Summer of 2010. That's when things heated up as Seabra began to have dalliances with women. This infuriated the older man and before you knew it, they had entered the winter of their relationship by the Winter of 2010.
While on vacation in New York City, Seabra couldn't take anymore of his lover's constant complaining, so he did what any reasonable person would do: he killed Castro by bashing his head in with a computer monitor and then stomping him to death. It was like he was re-enacting that one scene from American History X. Afterwards, Seabra knew that there would be much to miss about Castro - namely his balls. So, Seabra did what all of us would do in this situation - he cut Castro's testicles off with a corkscrew and then he wore them as bracelets around his wrists.
Seabra could have gotten away with the murder because no one knew he was involved - if it weren't for his belief that his dead lover's balls could cure AIDS. Seabra was arrested as he wandered through downtown Manhattan attempting to heal the world by touching people with his "magic talisman" in an effort to cure the HIV virus. I mean, it makes sense. Think about it, who hasn't thought about wandering through a large metropolitan city asking people to let you rub your dead boyfriends penis on them for luck? I know I haven't. 
When questioned, Seabra claimed he murdered Castro to "exorcise his homosexual demons." I think a trip to the gym would have been less messy. 
Now Seabra is set to go on trial. The defense is asking that "Seabra be found not guilty by reason of insanity." They claim that his "rage against his older love was a result of their break-up." I think he may be reaching with that plea - after all, there is nothing insane about what Seabra did. If I had to sleep with an old dude, I would probably bash his brains in with a computer monitor too!
Now the only question is: will the prosecution rise to the occasion and a win a stiff punishment against Seabra? Or will they fail to get a conviction and limp away from whatever case the defense has erected? Either way, I am sure someone will be feeling a little blue...

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Getting Off The Horse

Sometimes when I am hammered, I like to go for a ride...but not just ANY ride. I want to hop on a pony and head out into the sunset - chasing a whiskey high and a setting sun. Think about it - drunken horseback riding is perfectly legal in most places, and there is nothing like being a drunken asshole towards an animal that can trample you to death once you pass out and fall from the saddle. This is probably the best part about being a cowboy - taking shots every time your mount pulls on its bridal. Do you know what I mean? Anybody?
Well, Charles Larkin Cowart, 29, understands me. Just this past Monday, Charles was arrested for operating a large mammal while intoxicated (Technically he was just charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest without violence).
The tiny town of Bunnell, Florida was rocked in scandal when Charles took his dad's horse on a drunken joyride through town. Concerned citizens informed law enforcement that a drunk guy was trampling around on a horse. When the police arrived on the scene to confront Charles, Charles told them that he didn't have time to be pulled over because "he was on his way to grand-ma's house". Reports didn't say if he was wearing a red hoodie when he was arrested, but he may have alluded to the fact that a wolf was meeting him there for cookies.
When the police insisted he dismount, Charles did the only thing a dutiful drunken grandson can - he caused the horse to rear up on the po-po and made a break for the border! Charles led the police on a spectacular chase around the sleepy little hamlet that lasted thirty minutes, and finally ended on a set of train tracks when the horse decided to stop running. Maybe the horse knew that it could plea bargain a lesser charge by turning itself in because Charles was unable to coax the beast into moving anymore.
As a train hurtled towards them, the horse faced certain death with a smile and Charles puked over the side of his saddle bags...fortunately the police were able to get the train stopped long before it endangered the dynamic duo, but this didn't help the cops with their biggest problem - how do you get a drunk man off of a 900lb animal? It's not like they could just shoot him! After all, the horse was black and think of the media shitstorm that would have caused if they missed Charles and hit the horse! People would have said the cops were racist speciest anti-horse. So the police did the best thing they could - they called his dad! His dad then proceeded to knock Charles off the F***ing horse with a bat!
Finally, Charles knew he was caught, so he did what any reasonable man would do in this situation - he flipped the bird and took off on foot. Cops quickly overtook the man as he ran...and by ran, I mean he stumbled aimlessly and tripped over his own feet.
Charles isn't the only one to be recently arrested for this crime. Back in September of 2004, a case came before the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania involving a defendant named Noel. The Court ruled that because the horse is a living animal, it didn't qualify as a vehicle so Noel couldn't be charged with a D.U.I.
 I think next week I will go to Philadelphia, get drunk, and ride a lion around town - so not only do I not have to worry about a D.U.I, but my  DD comes with claws!
After all, what possible dangers could a living, thinking creature pose if the person experienced in handling it is three-sheets to the wind and screaming "go faster, bulls-eye" into its ears.
Charles was also charged with cruelty to animals, which I can only assume is because he disrespected his designated driver by not offering to buy him dinner. After all, if it were cruel to handle horses while drunk, we would have laws against it...

Friday, September 28, 2012

Let Them Eat Cake

Folks, when I go shopping, I always use my EBT card. Sometimes, I buy food and other times I trade it food for crack, but that is beside the point. What I am trying to say is that I know how embarrassing it is to go shopping with a food stamp card. Because even if you aren't trading food for drugs, everyone else in the store will think that you are! This is why I am sympathetic to Cindy Nerger of Warner Robbins, GA.
Last week while shopping at Kroger Supermarket in her hometown, Nerger found herself the object of ridicule. As she was checking out using her food stamp card (EBT), the manager decided it was his place to give her a piece of his mind. He allegedly told her, "Excuse me for working for a living and not relying on food stamps!"
The manager's statement was in response to a dispute Nerger had over whether or not certain items were covered by the EBT program - it turns out Nerger was correct. The manager finally just "gave her the items" and then made his callous remark.
Cindy was humiliated. People had started to line up behind her and they all heard the managers statement. Kroger had to do something to show the world that they like poor people and that disrespecting a customer couldn't be tolerated...so they gave her a $15 gift card and gave the manager a promotion.
Wait...what? So, I tell a customer that smoking is bad, I get a week off without pay...this guy tells a woman that he hates her money and thinks she is beneath him, and he get a transfer and a pat on the back? I didn't realize Kroger was owned by Mitt "I Hate 47% of all Americans" Romney! But now this makes perfect sense.
Look at it like this: Kroger receives millions in tax payer money and gets tax breaks to reduce the amount of taxes it has to pay year single year, while Nerger maybe gets a few hundred bucks a month in welfare. Sure, they are both living off the government, but Kroger is making money off the government and off of you! That's the difference! If you are on welfare and work for minimum wage - scum! If you are on welfare and make millions - corporation!
This is why Kroger didn't fire the manager in question - or even demote him. He was just showing Republican pride! After all, if Romney is elected he plans to eliminate government assistance and that means poor people like Nerger can't afford food. Which means that theft will go up, and stock will go down at places like Kroger. And that's just what Kroger needs. If theft goes up and they post losses, they can take even more government handouts - just like the banking industry did not too long ago! And if we stop giving welfare to poor people there will be more money to give to the wealthy!
After all, the rich made all their money by exploiting the poor...so why stop the cycle now?

Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Pirate's Life For Me

Folks, I am just winding down from celebrating one of my favorite holidays. Every September 19th, I gather with friends and family and we take part in "National Talk Like a Pirate Day." Sure, I know what you're saying - "Samael, hasn't this been stolen by people who worship rigatoni?" The short answer is: yes it has! But the Jews now celebrate Christmas because Santa brings better gifts, so who cares!
Well even if you don't celebrate this amazing holiday - Alison Whelan, 51, of England does! I thought I was living it up with my stuffed parrot and eye-patch, but my party wasn't anywhere near as cool as hers. Because when Whelan celebrates, man, does she go all out! And by "goes all out" I mean she hijacks boats.
That's right, on September 19th of 2012 a woman was arrested because she yelling "Argh" as she untied a ferry from a dock in a hamlet near London. Witnesses claim that she was yelling "I'm a pirate" and "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow" as the ferry floated aimlessly in the harbor of Devon, England.
At one point, Whelan looked as if she was suffering a seizure which prompted two paramedics to attempt to board the runaway vessel. Whelan instantly became violent and valiantly forced the two technicians to return to shore and wait for the police.
Whelan allegedly laughed as she "brought the ferry into ramming speed" and "collided with several boats docked in the harbor." I can hear that song by The Lonely Island playing in my head as I picture this, can't you? I'll bet that every time she collided with something that Michael Bolton jumped out of a hatch screaming "Jack Sparrow!"
I'll be honest, I have a hard time telling which one of these pictures is Whelan and which one is Sparrow...The resemblance is uncanny, I think Disney should hire her to be Johnny Depp's body double.
To be honest, when I first saw this news story I thought it would be about the time Keith Richards had taken a boat for a joyride while he was tripping balls. I wouldn't have been too far from the truth since Whelan was not only drunk but tripping on nightshade. Nightshade (a deadly poisonous flower) apparently causes kick ass hallucinations before you die.
Police eventually subdued Ms Whelan and took her into custody. By the end of her rampage she had caused thousands of British pounds worth of damage to the area. She was sentenced to not quite 6 months and charged a 100 pound fine...
She may have set out on a grand voyage for Tortuga, but she ended up sailing straight to the slammer. I guess in the end, a pirate's life is better off lived by someone other than me.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Weighing The Odds Of Getting Out Alive

Folks, there are many reasons for offering a stay of execution to death row inmates: lack of evidence, finding new evidence, or having an attorney that can adequately present the evidence. Basically, all the reasons revolve around the evidence. However, the Ohio attorneys who are representing Ronald Post have come up with another reason for overturning a death sentence. They claim their client is "too fat to be executed."
It turns out that Post weighs in at 480 lbs.
Apparently being morbidly obese can cause several problems for prison executioners. Problems like "not having a gurney sturdy enough to hold him" or "being able to find a vein among all the blubber."
Ronald was convicted in 1984 of the brutal murder of Helen Vantz.
Which brings me to an interesting question - how is a man serving in a prison morbidly obese? Aren't they only fed bread and water? Don't they have a gym?
It turns out that they have a gym and Ronald actually attended it once until "the exercise bike he was using broke under his immense weight."
Prison officials did not disclose what Post eats on a daily basis, I can only assume that he ate planets. This may very well be true because according to statistics from National Health Institute 29.6% of Ohio's population is listed as overweight. Ohio is currently tied with Kansas for 13th place out of 50 for Most Overweight State in the Union. I say Ohio, don't give up - just eat a few more combo meals at lunch and you can go all the way to the top!
The attorneys filings go on to say:

"Indeed, given his unique physical and medical condition there is a substantial risk that any attempt to execute him will result in serious physical and psychological pain to him, as well as an execution involving a torturous and lingering death."
 


 Yes, executing someone can bring serious physical harm! After all, how much more serious can you get than dead? It can also bring psychological consequences - at least for a few minutes until the poison kicks in. These psychological pains are usually a direct result of knowing you are about to die because you killed someone.
Post maintains that he didn't kill her. This is after he confessed to killing her in 1984 and after he discovered they would seek the death penalty for it. But I think he could be innocent! Or at least, he should be given a chance to speak to the American people about his case and plead his life. He could go onto a widely respected news program and explain how he was framed - a program like The Jerry Springer Show! If they filmed this moments before his execution then this would solve at least one problem, Jerry would be responsible for getting him out of his cell! I know they have plenty of experience fork-lifting people out of their homes!
Folks, I don't know what more there is to say, but the fact is if Debra Lafave can stay out of prison because she is too pretty, then can't Post avoid the death penalty for being too fat?