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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Tweeting Up A New Justification

#Twitter, how I <3 you!
Yes folks, though I am embarrassed to admit it, I am a tweeter. And I have been for a while now. So this is my coming out party. I regularly use Twitter.
I know. I know. It can lead to other social applications like TwitPic or FourSquare. And yes, I'll admit I've dabbled with the former as well, but dammit I was born like this. It's not like I can choose to not use it. It's part of who I am.
In my time in tweetle deetle land, I have discovered there are 4 basic types of Tweeters.
The first is the voyeur. These are the ones that cyber stalk their favorite celebrities, shows, hobbies & personalities. This is the rank that I started in. This group bands together with others of similar stalking preferences and discusses the oatmeal that the chick from Ally McBeal had yesterday with her boyfriend/husband/I can't keep up Harrison Ford. They often RT (re-tweet for the ones unfamiliar with that acronym...I used to think it meant Righteous Thinking) every detail the object of their obsession tweets.
The second group are the Updaters. They tell every minuscule detail of their day. From getting on the subway to the color of their bowel movements, you will hear it all! They will tell you what they ate for breakfast (or who in some cases), why yellow makes them sad, and the reasons their dog prefers their roommate. 
The third group are the promoters. These Tweeters promote themselves, a product, a website (usually porn), someone else, or Spam. Yes Spam the meat like stuff in a can. They will tell you why you can't live without their new book "Tweeting It Up: How Twitter Made Me Rich" or how you can't live without the new yogurt from Mickey D's. They will tell you every 15 Mins, how you won't find a cheaper plasma TV anywhere else. Or why The Beverly Hillbillies shouldn't have been canceled. Or how they are the most awesome person alive.
The final group of Tweeters makes use of all three of the previous groups methods. It is in this group that most eventually end up. We tweet away about anything and everything from celeb stalking to self promotion to product placement to garden gnomes. And we do this all because...we are lonely.
See, social applications (like Twitter and Facebook) offer a chance for us to connect with others and share parts of ourselves we can't normally. The reasons we can't are varied; from potentially  embarrassing like having a crush to worthy of lynching like that guy I wrote about who f***s dolphins. You can't always say how you feel and sometimes you just want to be heard.
So go out there and tweet it up! Use it to make new friends with common interests, share a bit about yourself or just to watch. (I just need some popcorn, a lawn chair, and video recorder - that's the gift that keeps on giving!)
Just make sure you follow me @TragicCurse and we can talk about #SympathyForTheDevil while watching #TheVampireDiaries on #CW.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

She's So Endearing The Way She Gnaws On My Leg

We know its coming...but are we ready...for the Zombie Apocalypse?
There are several signs to look for to know whether or not you should start preparing.
First, have research companies opened new offices and warehouses and other sites in your neighborhood? If so, I would say that you need to prepare.
Have there been more animal attacks in your area lately? Those trying to cover up an outbreak will write cover stories to hide the truth.
People coming up missing? Whether they were kidnapped to be test subjects or they were infected in an animal attack may never be known, but I would stop the search.
The hot chick that never eats meat, ordering a hot dog? Any time anyone begins to act out of character this is a sign. Sure, it could be stress or just wanting a change...but what if its a change to zombification?
Is the news showing reports of cannibalism? At this point its too late and you are probably going to soon join the flesh eaters.
In the event of a zombie outbreak, the 1st thing you should do is cut all ties with anyone you care about. Zombies always go after your loved ones so that they can get close to you. If your boyfriend/girlfriend starts drooling too much and gets a little ill tempered,  you need to be prepared to put him/her down.
Which brings us to the second thing you should do, gather as many weapons as you can. How many? Well that depends. If you live in a rural area with a small population or on an island with no easy access, then as many as you can get. If you live in a big city, you will only want a few core items. A few handguns of various caliber, an assault rifle, a shotgun, a rifle with a good scope and a machete sized knife.
The big city folks will have more zombies to deal with at first so carrying that variety will help ensure you survive. Ammunition will be more important than number of guns anyway.
The next step is to procure a vehicle to get to somewhere safe. Rural people, if you are miles from any big city then you might could make a stand right there. Big city people will need to make their way somewhere safe.
Find an area that is easily defensible. At the top of a hill, on an island, stone walls, minimum number of windows and no zombies already inside.
Once, you have found the perfect location, you should set up traps and gather food. If you actually have other survivors with you (which I do not recommend) have one group set traps while the other gathers food.
Anyone leaving the compound must be strip searched before being let back in to prove they weren't bitten. If they hesitate or refuse, shoot them right there. There is no, "you know I am careful" bs. If they don't want to be searched there's a reason.
This rule applies to refugees as well. Never know when a person trying to save a loved one overlooks that person becoming a zombie.
Once you have fortified your living area, zombies won't be your only problem. Refugees may see how sweet you have it and try and take it from you. This is why you keep a steady stream of weapons coming inside your fortress.
Also beware of animals. Some studies show that they can become zombies too, while others show that while they can't, they can carry this plague and fleas can pass to you.
And this public service announcement was brought to you by Chu's Chinese Delivery: Chu on that for a while!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Hissing And Spitting I Made My Great Escape!

The Bronx Zoo has lost a cobra. I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. "Honey, I've misplaced the pit vipers again!"
I usually just check what I wore yesterday and I find what I am missing. But sometimes it isn't in my clothes, then I check random tables in my house. Or counters. The piano.
It always turns up. Of course, my car keys aren't as likely to kill anyone in the interim.
Too bad you can't just hire Indiana Jones. It seemed if there was a snake within 100 miles of his location it was drawn to him. Then you could just use him as bait and recover your missing, spitting death dealer.
I've heard monkeys and cobras like to party so maybe you should check there.
I mean its 20 feet long its not like you can't see it! Oh...wait that's the sign for inches...So its not even 2 feet long then.
I have an idea Bronx Zoo. Fly me up to NYC and give me a shovel. I will kill...I mean reappropriate your snake. It just may be like a writhing puzzle when I return him. I'm sure some super glue will fix him right up.
Of course you could also just lace the zoo with kerosene. Snakes hate kerosene. Just know that he will rush you like a mob of 12 year olds rush Justin Bieber. 
You could also make it a game and offer a prize to anyone that finds it. You could dress visitors like pirates and give them maps and just let them explore everywhere. In this case the prize could be the antivenom.
Or let a mongoose loose in the zoo as well. They are the cobras mortal enemy. Don't have a mongoose? No worries just use an otter or a weasel, gotta be similar right?
If none of the rest of this works and you gotta get tough. Call G I Joe. They have handled COBRA before and their movie wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be.
I will be following this story for updates...via twitter...where the missing cobra is sending out regular tweets.  His last one said he was entering an open apartment window. How many of those could there be in NYC? That sounds like you could find him in no time. @bronxzoocobra has already earned 24,000 followers. So someone should be able to point him out.

Monday, March 28, 2011

I Have A Dream. And I Have A Cheese Danish

Because of my vivid imagination, I often have vivid dreams. While most people may seek the deeper meaning, I usually just press skip and move on. But this dream has me puzzled as to what it could mean.
I found myself in a mountainous region in the winter time. Which is odd in and of itself because I hate the cold. I was helping train people in a sport I've never tried (snow skiing). Although, the sheer number of beautiful women that inhabited this ski lodge makes me want to brave the cold and see this in the real world.
A few days into the dream a beautiful, young, and possibly possessed redhead enters the picture. She has a monkey with her that tells her to do things. She says her name is Arilyn and she must reach Fort Lauderdale or the world may suffer. She actually is telling this to someone else and I am just eavesdropping. This other guy, whom I think was named Mike agrees to help the woman, but his car has been stolen by a homeless man and his pet goat. So, out of boredom, I decide to drive the two down to Florida in my Lexus. I didn't take the mustang because the Lexus gets better gas mileage.
The monkey climbs up front with me and acts as a GPS and gives me the directions of the resort we are headed to. We drove uneventfully until we reached what must have been Louisiana. This was when the llama jumped out in front of us and caused me to wreck in the ditch.
A hooded courier was escorting the llama back to South America. Apparently, he had stolen it from a petting zoo and felt the need to liberate it. I think he was part of PETA.
The monkey didn't like the llama much because it spit. Mike and Arilyn were happy to have more people involved in the quest to Florida which must now detour into Brazil. However, at this moment gunfire opened up on us and killed the courier and Mike as the petting zoo people attacked us. They wanted their llama back. Arilyn took this to mean the llama was the Chosen One and would bring about absolution to all that followed it.
I merely giggled as I stayed below the gunfire. I managed to lead the llama, the monkey and Arilyn away from the skirmish, although at this point I wanted to throw the monkey at our pursuers. Mostly because I have always just wanted to throw a monkey at someone.
We ran until we found a small shack in the swampland and I could hear banjo music in the distance. The monkey thought it would be a great resting place since it seems our pursuers had lost our trail. Arilyn got more comfortable by getting completely naked and curling up beside me on the couch. The llama and the monkey looked on with jealousy.
The next morning we again began our trek through the swamp. It was humid and there were bugs. I hate bugs. It wasn't long until a racket ahead of us made us look towards the south east. A bright flare as if the world was on fire lit up the horizon.
Arilyn fell down sobbing and the llama spit on me.
The monkey claimed it was all my fault and that I should have made them change their ways. The waters turned red and it seemed like the wind was crying. The monkey had transformed into a cheese danish and the llama fell over dead. Arilyn seemed to turn to ash and I glowed slightly.
As dust gathered on the horizon and started blocking out the light, I remember smiling and thinking that I won't have to worry about traffic anymore.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I Stopped By For A Nibble, Just Be Sure To Invite Me In

Vampires. A subject that unfortunately is forever linked to me. But because of fates cruel punishment, I have become protective of the mythologies. After all, when in Rome.
Which brings me to my biggest beef with most Vampire movies and novels today.
Whether it's the super heroes like Blade or Underworld or the angsty, broody vampires in Twilight or True Blood, they all forget the biggest part of being a vampire is that it's a curse.
The biggest curse Twilight offers is that vampires can't play baseball in the sunlight because it's like watching a rhinestone cowboy. How is being sparkly a curse? I can almost picture Elton John in the corner singing Daniel.
And in Blade, vampires run clubs and human cattle operations. After all, drawing attention to yourself is exactly what you want if you are unchanging. How many years could you pull off being the 24 year CEO of Wal-Mart. Oh sure, you could claim that if you live forever, you could amass wealth. But how easy is that when you have to hide in cellars and cemeteries?
Not to mention the fact that the real curse isn't the weakness to sunlight, silver or garlic. No the real curse is the living forever part. See, a few decades are great. But eventually, everyone else grows old and dies. And after one realizes that turning someone into a vampire never works out, one has to accept the fact that they can never be close to anyone. How many centuries would one last before they lost their sanity?
See, immortality is maddening. The longer you live the less connected you feel to the world around you. You can't teach old dogs new tricks as they say, and the same is true for vampires. Just ask them to program the DVR.
Everyone is resistant to change, just ask an old person about the price of milk.
This isn't to say that there are no good stories. I like Anne Rice and I even enjoy the Vampire Dairies, although the latter is a bit romanticized and the lead vampires have magic rings to let them go outside in the daylight. But the reason they are enjoyable to me is that the central theme to those novels is loss.
Like looking for your car in a parking lot, vampires are searching for something. Maybe its their lost humanity or maybe its a Krispy Kreme, but they all have something they lost that they want back.
So get back to the old roots, make them scary again...not these pathetic broody teenagers, who's biggest worry is that a girl or a guy won't love them for a few years. Make them haunted, broken, trying to find their way in a world they can't comprehend anymore. But keep them hot, because I like my undead mid twenties and blonde.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Excuse Me Sir, May I See Some ID?

How much would you pay for security? How much would you pay for a wallet? What if you could have both?
Dunhill is soon offering for sale a biometric wallet. I wish it were a bio-inches wallet as I flunked the metric system.
This wallet comes with a fingerprint scanner that links it directly to you. This feature would make me feel like James Bond. I would probably name my wallet Money Penny. Mainly because after paying over $800 for it, that would be the only money I could afford to put in it.
The wallet is also outfitted with Bluetooth technology. That way when ever anyone has their head up your ass, they can also take messages. This feature is mostly used for the built-in alarm that comes with the wallet. If your phone and your wallet get separated by more than 15 feet, it plays "It's All About The Benjamin's Baby."
Features that haven't been officially revealed are also pretty cool. Like the phones from the Bond movies, this wallet comes with a stun gun pre-installed. This feature works in three different ways. First it will electrocute someone on demand. By pressing a sequence of 42 different button combinations, you can stop a mugger cold. Second, if anyone tries to open the wallet other than yourself, well they will be shocked. And not by the fact you bought an $800 wallet or the fact that after said purchase you have nothing in it. Third, If your wallet gets separated by more than 15 ft. from your phone. This is a fun trick at parties. Simply pass the wallet to one of the neighbors kids you don't like and tell him to take it to someone across the room. Or better yet, hand it to your spouse and tell her to go to the store.
The wallet is made from a leather bound, carbon fiber shell. This makes it virtual indestructible, which is necessary after the first time it electrocutes you.
The wallet will order coffee in 12 different languages. It can operate any electric device. It sings the blues.
It will also ask how your day went and listen with sincerity while you complain for the upteenth time about Bill from Accounting.
The wallet likes to cuddle after sex and also enjoys sporting events. It is particularly fond of midget rodeos.
The wallet, being indestructible, protects your ass from gunfire, stabbing, fires, crowbars, and prison love.
The wallet is an Aquarius. It likes long, walks on the beach at sunset. Romantic comedies. And frisky women....oh wait never-mind this last sentence is about me, not the wallet.

Friday, March 25, 2011

My Suntan Is Glowing

Todays blog is partly about the chaos happening in Japan. Media has reported that the nuclear reactors may be spewing harmful amounts of radiation into the enviroment. And what was their first clue? No, it was Godzilla trying to tear apart Tokyo again, it was the fact that all the workers were getting burned. 
Now, I've been burned plenty of times at my job, but never literally. Apparently, the radiation levels are so unsafe that workers are getting blisters and burns. 
I think they should talk to their union and get better working conditions. And maybe work in a clause for free dental.
See, about 14% of the worlds total power comes from nuclear sources. The US, France and Japan make up over 50% of that amount. So how do we keep similar incidents from occurring in France and the United States. Well, here is my idea. First, all I know about Nuclear Power Plants comes from watching the Simpsons and disaster movies. So, I say we fire Homer and hire people that can actually operate the places.
Next, it always seems that they are built in close proximity to zoo's. This often results in giant mutated animal life that tries to eat us. So, we should relocate any of the following animals: spiders, lizards, snakes, monkeys, moths, ants, bees, and bears. Man-eating plants should also be relocated.
It seems that there are no contingencies for any problems that could occur, I think we should fix that as well. Especially since I live 30 miles from a nuclear plant. Maybe we could issue everyone within a 200 mile radius geiger counters. To help people understand how to read them, make them digital with only two settings. You are fine and You are fucked.
Areas like Chernobyl, have become lush wildlife preserves after the accidents that wiped out all life. Chernobyl flourishes with mice, deer, moose, foxes, rabbits and wolves, as well as plant life. But it is missing butterflies.
Japan has released a cartoon called Nuclear Boy, to help explain the disaster. It relates a meltdown to having diarrhea. I agree, it stains your pants and leaves an awful stench. The cartoon explains that "in worst case scenario, if Nuclear boy poops and it leaks from his diaper. It won't be as bad as Chernobyl Boy." Wildlife and plants "will be negatively impacted" and "people will have to move." After watching that I'm now happy for the upbeat sequel, The Meltdown Kids.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Once Upon A Time...FML

Today I will share a few stories with you.
The first is about my first tattoo. See, after being released from a behavioral medicine group hospital, I decided that I would start over and get a tattoo to celebrate my changed life. The thing is though, I am terrified of needles. So, I got a few friends together and we went to the tattoo parlor and I decided that I wanted something simple that also was relatable. So I got a lit candle to remind me that hope is easily relit. So, I'm sitting there getting this done and everything is good. Until I see that I am now bleeding. At which point, I almost pass out. So, in as non a freaking out way as possible, I tell the artist that I need a 10 min break.
I go out to my car and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. My head calms and I go back in and finish the tattoo. As I'm paying, it dawns on me that I don't have my car keys. I should also note that my friends had bailed on me at this point. I walk to my car and there they are...laying in the seat of my locked car. So, I then had to walk three miles to get my spare key from a friend and walk back to get my car...GoodTimes.
The second story is about the dangers of drinking too much. After imbibing a concoction that consists of a full shot of 151 dropped in a beer and chugged, (and after a second just like the 1st) I found I had no memory of anything that happens next.
All I do know is the next morning I came to several realizations.
These realizations seemed to occur over hours but the whole incident probably took less than ten minutes.
I realized, first, that I was in a room I had never been in before. Then I concluded that this was a girls room! And just like Quagmire, I was thinking 'alright.' Now when you awake under such conditions with no memory of how, where or what is going on let me give you a bit of advice...don't give in to curiosity. Just make something up and leave without asking any questions or looking any further. Because at this point I realized I was laying next to someone.
I could have just slipped quietly out, but curiosity kills the cat and I had to see who she was...and it was Jabba the Hutts sister.
At this point, I'm a little freaked out. But everything is ok because I am completely dressed and the I realized I was not. So I try and calm down and start looking for my clothes.
I can't find my belt, a sock or my underwear, but I say screw it and put on what I can find.
When you are in a situation, where you are trying to be quiet, you never are. So, I can't say I was surprised when I heard a grizzly bear growl at me "Hey baby, you not gonna say goodbye?"
To which I replied, "I don't even know your name. Just tell me where my drawers are and where my car is and I am gone."
After dodging the lamp she threw at me, I darted out the front door into a neighborhood I didn't recognize and saw my car off in the distance. It was sitting on the side of the road with the passenger side door open. It was like I had crawled out to puke and she took me home like a stray puppy.
I never found out who she was, or what happened to my missing articles of clothing. I swear she kept them as souvenirs...
And those are just two stories from my so called life...Maybe I will share others later.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Running Red Lights With A Smile!

Road head is a crime. Back on the 8th of March, Jason Kircher, was arrested after speeding through an intersection in Kentucky. Cops claimed he was driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Jason claimed, he "was getting (his) knob washed."
The officers took him back to the station and his blood report showed he was within the legal limits. Yet, he was not released from jail. The girl was also arrested as officers felt she was too drunk to leave at the scene.
But, this is from a state that has laws like "One may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale, unless he is selling 6 at once." Or "a woman may not buy a hat without her husbands permission."
As a taxpayer  I would have many questions for both the police involved and the couple.
First, was it any good?
Second, if you plan to arrest everyone guilty of giving and receiving oral sex, do you feel that would cause an overcrowding issue?
Third, ignore that last question, what was I thinking, the numbers wouldn't be that high!
Fourth, Jason is your car a manual or an automatic? Because if you can drive a stick shift while receiving oral sex, you should get a medal.
Fifth, why isn't there a mugshot of the drunk girl up?
Sixth, (and this is more for the dealership than either party involved) can we get this as a feature for all new cars? Because if so, I will go buy one right now.
My next question is, Jason did you two finish before you pulled over? And if so, to the young lady, spit or swallow? Because the answer to that question would decide a second date.
Also, I must add in Kentucky, it is illegal to have anal sex. 

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I Would Say More But The Military, CIA, Dairy Farmers From Wisconsin Are Watching

Todays blog will be a bit different. I came across some really interesting reading so I want to share it with you. I will write this verbatim and comment after different sections. I will be taking excerpts from several of these letters and they are written by a woman claiming to be Jane Hamilton. Yes, the famous author, Jane Hamilton. I will refer to her as Jane.
"Dr. Wells, The other day, I was at the shell station. I have often been a victim of radio stalking."
I know what you mean Jane. I have as well, I turn on the radio and the music seems to follow me.
"There was a song playing. I'm sure it was directed at me. I think its the military." You know Jane, you are probably correct. After all, its not like the military has anything else better to do than to play songs dedicated to you on a radio station that you may not even be listening to you.
"Jane Hamilton is not the problem. Mafia is the problem." Are you sure its the mafia? I think it may be the Yakuza, Jane!
"I think witness protection is violating my right to therapy and representation. This is abusive" I agree. I think the whole idea of witness protection is abusive and we should get rid of it.
"Tammy is a dope dealer and a pimp. She is a crime boss and unfit to interact with children." I don't know who this Tammy is, but I want to meet her!
"I do not agree to give Laurie any of my enterprises. Laurie has been irrational." Which obviously, you are a great judge of.
"The Navy wants my book to be published by a traditional publisher. They think my book, published as is, will get them tobacco." I also want Tobacco from your book Jane.
"To give you an idea of the level of stalking, here yesterday I ate a can of Publix Pasta. Today I ate a can of Publix Pasta. The quantity in the can had been altered." But  Jane, this sounds impossible. "This is virtually impossible. But, it is what occurred." Well, if thats what happened!
"Larry, Mike, Laurie, the Democrats and the military are trying to obstruct my book. the FBI and the CIA seem to be trying to steal it." But you didn't mention the NSA, have they already stolen it and returned it before you knew they were involved?
And lastly, "I think I met the Harry Potter star in Carefree Arizona. And, I think he was trying to tell me- Colorado police stole a bunch of my literary work and sold it to the Harry Potter author. He wants to work with me or date me. And, he thinks I should get my money. He is a bright, likeable professional and I am interested in working with him. He owns a subway in Carefree, Arizona." That was a mouthful. I think she's talking about the guy who plays Hagrid.

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Slightly Creepy, But Endearing Cult Justification

I think I am going to start a cult. See, there are a lot of lonely and lost people out there that need guidance and need a cause. And I am knowledgeable enough in all things biblical and I have been told that I am very charismatic.
Most people think cult and they instantly picture Waco or Manson or Scientology. But these are really just extremes and are not indicative of what cults  are really like. Those had media attention.
See the thing is cults are good for your ego. They flatter you and make you feel special. They tell you how wonderful you are and how you have the potential to go places. They build you up.
Being in a cult also lends you a sense of belonging. It's an easy way to make new friends. You will meet so many new people that you won't realize they have pushed all your old friends out of your life.
Cults provide you with lots of things to do in your leisure time. They will encourage you, sometimes with righteous violence, to participate in group activities like drug use or orgies. They will also frown if you don't take part in the ritual sacrifices that they often perform.
Cults give each person a job to do that suits that persons talents. You will be surprised boys, at how many of you are secretly carpenters. And girls, you will be amazed at how many of you are really talented seamstresses and cooks.
People obsess over a cult asking for all your possessions, but honestly how do you expect them to pay for everything? Running a compound that people never get to leave, except to recruit other people to, is expensive. I think I will buy my own island out in the middle of the ocean. That way we won't be bothered or have a need for taking peoples possessions. Except to pay for boat or plane rides to the island...oh well it was a thought!
People also criticize the leaders of cults, claiming they are domineering or controlling, but don't we say the same thing about our teachers, bosses and/or wives?
Critics warn you to beware anyone that preaches an us versus them mentality. But if people are telling you that, isn't really them versus you at that moment?
Critics also claim that cult members are brainwashed and take on new personalities. But if the new one is better than the old, who are we to judge?
So readers, give me all your stuff and come sit by the campfire. Later, after singing songs and talking about Jesus, we will have a cleansing orgy, kill a celebrity and then drink poisoned Kool Aid.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Now I Have To Go Twice As Fast To Make Up The Time I Lost


Readers, when getting pulled over by a cop there many things you should do to make the experience more entertaining. And by entertaining, I mean when I am watching it later on COPS.
First, you should probably not pull over right away. These guys are paid to chase you, so I say make them earn their money. Just floor the gas and go.
Second, once you do finally stop, there is always the following conversation that starts with:
cop "do you know why I pulled you over?"
at this point most people either grudgingly admit what they did or they shake their head in innocence and say things like "No sir I don't". I say screw that. Instead answer with any of the following:
"Probably cause of that kid I hit back on 8th street?"
"Probably because of the kilo of coke in my trunk." I actually say this one all the time and I carry three cases of Coca Cola in my trunk. They think its hilarious.
"Because I resemble the guy that just knocked over the liquor store downtown?"
Or my personal favorite, "Because your a bored, fat bastard that has nothing else better to do than to bully innocent people while real criminals walk the street untouched." If that doesn't get you tazed, I don't know what will.
You could also freak out and throw your hot coffee in his face. That will definitely earn you spot on TV! You will probably get tazed by at least four of them!
When being pulled over and you are on a date, remove part of your clothing. This will freak your date out a bit, so make sure you never want to see her again. When the officer asks what exactly is going on, tell him you were just picking up your friend to give her a ride home. Give the officer the girls name as Mandy. If her name really is Mandy, tell the cop her name is Debbie. This will keep you tied up for hours.
My favorite episodes are the ones with the attack dogs, so when pulled over just jump out of your car and run. This will ensure that they release the dogs on you. You can look at it this way, you know your not out of shape if you can outrun a rottweiler!
When the cop has you out of your car, wander away mid questioning. Act like you are bored and disinterested. Tell him to "hurry the hell up, you have something important to do." This will ensure that you get a clean bed for the night.
If the cop asks "what are up to this evening?", respond back with "Its evening? Man, I am so fucking high."
Confess to crimes that you didn't commit. Or tell them that you were fleeing the shadow people.
But do something. It is your civic duty to keep our men in blue busy, active and me entertained.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Oh Wait, Im On The Other Line

I love getting calls at 4 AM from telemarketers. Just getting woken up and told what I benefits buying an air purification system are, gets me excited about my day.
I also love getting offered health insurance as I am going to bed or political advice.
I love try to sell stuff to telemarketers. Whenever they start their speeches, I try and sell them random junk. "Would you like to purchase cyber security?" my response, "I got dis here boat been here forever. It only got two holes in it. I sell it to you today for only 35 dollars."
I also like lecture political activists. If a democrat calls, I talk about how they haven't taken liberalism far enough. I should be able to practice my religion of kitten sacrifice at the mall if I wish. I also tell them that we should take abortion another step and just abort everyone. That usually ends the phone call.
If the caller is a republican, I talk about putting God in everything, even my cereal. And that everyone should have guns, even pre-schoolers. We should also deport all the poor. I then try and get them both to agree with whatever I am saying. If they do, I tell them this line is recorded and I plan to upload the audio to youtube.
I also don't tend to answer unavailable numbers. If your unavailable to me, then I am unavailable to you.
I sometimes make up random jingles for these callers such as "Ben's Abortion Clinic. You rape em we scrape em. No fetus can beat us." Or confess to crimes that never happened. "She's bleeding all over. She has so pretty. I want to keep her that way forever."
It's also fun to randomly scream everything you have to say at them. If they comment on that, say you are either deaf or in a loud environment.
Its sometimes funny to panic over fake zombie outbreaks or bear attacks. Or to talk about how no one loves you and you don't want to live. I kept a telemarketer on the phone for 4 hours with that one.
I also sometimes pretend to work for a rival company. I talk about the benefits of my product versus theirs. If he's a mac, then I'm a pc.
Sometimes, I act like they called a sex hotline and offer them a seductive good time. Or that they may have called an escort service and ask them what they are into and tell them the girls are very clean.
Oh look, the friends  of the firefighters are calling. I think I will tell them that I lost my home due to them getting a kitten out of a tree and I want reparations.

Friday, March 18, 2011

The Justifying Justification

Readers. My head is pounding. Sure, I knew better than to pound Green Whiskey, but I had no choice. If it hadn't been St Patrick's Day, I would have behaved. But, really, it is expected. I mean, everyone else probably feels the same way. Why am I justifying myself?
Which brings me to the subject of today's blog: The Justifiable Justification. This will be a new weekly segment, where I find something in the news and then justify the decisions that lead to that event.
How is that different from some of my other blogs you ask? After all, haven't I already justified things like stalkers, racist cartoons, cross-dressing and midget rentals? Well, in all honesty it's not. I'm just giving a fancy new name to something I've already been doing.
On the other hand, it will help add clarity to a singular blog a week. You will be able to look at the title and say "Oh its 'The _____ Justification'." This can help possibly prepare the reader for what I have in store. It can maybe make you a bit more at ease, after all I wonder how many I frightened away when I justified bestiality. And there I am justifying again.
See, people only make justifications, when they are trying convince themselves and others that bad ideas are good ones. Like when your wife walks in on you watching goat porn. You can't just say "It was on when I got here." You have to explain why you were watching, "Honey, I just wanted to know the proper procedures in case this ever came up."
People justify things all the time. Like speeding, "Its only 10 miles over the limit, no one cares." or "Well, he probably has another pen." Or "The bank has millions, why would they miss a few thousand." Or when she asks if certain clothes make her look fat, you can't be honest because that would hurt her feelings and thus you justify the lie because you don't want to sleep alone.
Even famous people make justifications. Take Brad Pitt. He left one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood for one of Hollywoods biggest tramps. Sure, Angelina is cute, but let's not forget that she is tatted up more than most tattoo artists. She also has had more lovers than many porn stars. And for a while wore a vial of blood of her ex husband around her neck. But, that was before Brad met her after all. Everyone has a past and does crazy things, not usually the entire cast of the young and the restless, but she was young and adventurous. Besides, she's a major activist now for children in impoverished nations. Yeah she brings a kid home every time she goes on vacation, but she loves the world. And, Jennifer, she didn't want kids anyway.
Corporations also make these same justifications. Fast food places added fruit to prove that they don't cause obesity. Sony said their Playstation 3 could take over missile defense systems, but the chip that does that is what gives it the sweet ass graphics. And Toyota claimed that they were just living up to their promise of "Moving Forward." No mention of stopping.
So thats todays justification...the act of justifying.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Ish All Ah Wittle Fuzzy Ahficer

Ahh Saint Patrick's Day! An International holiday that has been welcomed whole heartedly across America. The origins of the holiday are steeped in Christian ideology, but everyone has accepted it for only one reason...drinking and other acts of gluttony.
See even though the holiday was created to honor a man named Patrick who used a shamrock to try and explain the idea of the Holy Trinity to the Celts of Ireland, it was accepted as a holiday because it was a day that let people out of their Lent vows. Since, fasting and disuse of alcohol were common during Lent, this was like a cheat day.
So to honor people finding Jesus, we do the only thing we are good at...getting falling down drunk and having pre-marital sex.
And being the good stewards of all things Godly, of course Americans eagerly embraced this holiday. Of course, Americans eagerly embrace any holiday that in some shape, form, or fashion involves alcohol.
After all we celebrate Cinco de Mayo with Corona, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas with wine, and my favorite, Arbor Day, I celebrate with alcohol derived from wormwood.
This is why we don't celebrate holidays of Islam. It isn't because we are xenophobic and think they all want to kill us. No, that is only part of it. It's because they abhor drinking and we can't understand why anyone would want to have all of your family under one roof while being sober.
So, now we must go forth and celebrate! Make sure you wear green, this way your face matches your outfit later.
I like to celebrate all holidays with firearms, so be sure after drinking heavily you all go out and shoot guns. Just be sure to wear your protection.
I also take pictures of all the women I think are hot while trashed and text them to friends. If a friend texts me back "dude, she is gorgeous", then I know she's probably a troll.
In my favorite city in America, Savannah, they have an open container law that allows you to drink out in the streets. Everyone has been drinking since sunrise awaiting the parade. By this point, every short person they see wearing green is a leprechaun.
Just make sure that what ever you do end up doing, doesn't land you in jail. Of course, if it does, please let me know as I can make fun of it later. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

If I Didn't Run You Over In Reverse Then I'm Not Still Mad

Today we delve back in to my 8 part series on the 7 deadly sins. Todays sin of choice: Wrath.
See, apparently every time I flip some one off in traffic, I'm committing the sin of wrath, or as it is most commonly known as the sin of anger.
Early religious figures chastised people for being angry. They all realized that profiteering off of war efforts was much easier with a cool head.
But outside of a war economy, what else is anger good for? Well, I am glad you asked. See anger is actually very beneficial to overall human development and social interactions.
For one, anger tends to make people think more optimistically. Such as when that guy cut me off on the interstate, I knew I could side swipe him and take him off the road. And I was right!
Angry people tend to get more pay increases in the job market. After all, how many employers want to deny a raise to a guy that punches holes in the wall or yells at them during meetings?
Health studies have found that people that are perpetually angry have less chance of developing heart disease. That's why there is that bitter old man living next door that still yells and threatens to shoot the neighbors kids.
Anger also helps build communities. Nothing brings people together better than talking about why they hate someone different.
Anger also helps one focus on the superficial instead of the details. We all know we think too much anyway, so I say just go with it.
Most religions were more worried about people taking revenge on those that angered them. They thought that justice should be shown through the court system of the time. I know always feel better to be given one of my neighbors goats after he killed one of my children.
Dante Alighieri placed the sin of anger on the 5th circle of hell. There in a swamp the angry and the slothful would gather and while the slothful drowned in their sin, the angry would bite, kick and punch each other in the face. That sounds more like an MMA event than a punishment. Serve some stale beer and over priced hot wings and thats a typical Saturday night for many.
According to King David, angry people have to be rescued. I guess Superman didn't get that memo. He should have just let Lois fall to her death and instead tried to rescue Lex Luthor. In my experience, its generally the person I'm angry at that needs to be rescued. Unless I'm outnumbered then this holds true.
Islam calls anger the root of all evil, which is almost how I feel. After all, a root grows into a tree which grows branches. Which I can beat you with.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Look Up In The Sky, It's A Pigeon Raining Down On My Parade


In anticipation of all the comic book movies coming out this year: Thor, Green Lantern, etc. I have decided that I too should be a super hero. So now the only question is which one should I be? Hmm...Let me list what can only be described as Justice League quality skills....
Maybe I should be BackUp Plan Man. After all, it seems to be what I am best at. I keep the girl entertained until the guy she wants to be with is available. My super human listening skills and comforting touch would restore her confidence and help her move on to be with some one that isn't me.
Maybe I could be Absinthe Guy. My superhuman tolerance for wormwood would allow me to coast through the hallucinations and talk people out of bad trips. Where you may see a giant bear trying to eat you, I know for fact it really is a giant bear trying to eat you, but I will stay calm. From helping you deal with dancing heavenly bodies to overgrown pomeranians, I know that the best way to save the day is to be tripping balls.
Or maybe I could The Blog. I could talk about things that no one really cares about. In places that many will never hear. I could rant about chocolate milk. Or grapes. Or grapes dipped in chocolate milk. My amazing talent of talking about nothing would make me a super hero for sure.
Another option would be The Random Nutcase. Anyone who has ever talked with me knows that I can start the oddest conversations or do the most insane things. Like the time I dressed up as CatMan and went to BlockBuster. Or the time I burned my furniture in the back yard because I was out of fire wood. Or the time I let my friends bind and gag me and toss me in the trunk and I tried to escape at the mall.
I could also become Fashionably Late Dude. My penchant for arriving at anything late to the point of why even bother, is very well known. Ask my probation officer!
Or maybe I could put some of my useless trivia to good use! I could become The Film! I could bore criminals to death talking about any of the movies I have watched in great detail. And if that doesn't work then I could use the 800 plus dvds that I have as weapons.
Remember Dances With Wolves Man? I could be Runs Screaming From Bears While You Get Eaten Boy! My almost soprano voice can shatter glass when a bear wanders into my campground. And I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run you!
But maybe I'm going about this wrong. After all, most people prefer the villain. I could be Totaled Your Car in Spite Man. Or I could use the many skills I picked up from the anarchists cookbook and become Homemade Napalm Guy or Not Quite C4 Man. Talk about personas with explosive personalities.
I could become Secretly Wishing You Die Man. I would sit at home and stare at my ceiling and wish horrible things on you. Then when I see you in public, I will smile at you as I remember them.
I could also be the super villain Tapping Your Sister Guy. Sister is interchangeable with best friend if more appropriate. I could get revenge on the women that dumped me by seducing those closest to them. I would just have to be careful or else I could become the greatest of super villains...Jerry Springer.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Those Aren't Liver Spots, They Are Love Scars

Today devoted readers, I give back to you yet again.
How many of you out there, like myself, despise reality. Here's some helpful ways to deny it.
I hate to think that I'm getting older. So I refuse to. I've found a way to deny the reality of getting old is to party with Seniors. No, not college seniors. Not even high school. I'm talking about the folks at Shady Sands retirement home. After a few shots, you will drink them all under the table. You can tell the same jokes every 15 minutes and they will laugh. You won't have to worry about not being able to last the whole party as their bed time is at 7.
Another reality check is gaining weight. Sure, I could hit the gym or change my diet. But I like to believe I still have the metabolism I did at 17. And the easiest way to prove that, I still dress like i am in my early 20's. I find that the clothes are snug enough to keep me warm. On most of my body. The parts that are exposed needed just air and sun anyway. I like to head to the beach in nothing but a speed-o  to show off the fact that I'm as good a shape as I always was.
I also don't like the fact that I don't have the money I used to. So the easiest way to get around that is to use credit cards. This way, you can maintain the lifestyle to which you may or may never have been accustomed. I also laugh at the thought of paying the piper and pretend it never happened by throwing the statements away.
I also like to believe I am still "hip". No, I am not referring to Shady Sands kinda "hip". I mean cool, frosty, or just plain awesome. But to be cool, you have to be able to mingle with the youth of America. So I like to go down to the local pre-school and chat it up. Those young people hang on every word I say...which definitely earns me cool points. Especially when I read them Green Eggs and Ham.
Another way I used to defy reality was in my dating life. I wanted to be able to show that I could still get the beautiful, younger women I used to. This was easiest with twenty dollar bills. Or alot of crying.
I also like to think I am still in shape. So I keep a gym membership. 3 times a week I stop by, walk around to make sure everything is still the same, towel off after that exertion and then go hit the sauna.
Speaking of workouts, I also like to enter foot races and other similar events. After running about 6 yards, I generally hop on my motorcycle I parked in the bushes and catch up to the other contestants. This makes me feel as good a shape as they are.
Lastly and on a more personal note, I believe gravity is a myth.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I Tried Springing Forward, But Ended Up Throwing My Back Out

It's again time for a tradition that makes no sense in this day and age. For some reason that still eludes me, we make a practice of moving the clocks forward an hour in the spring to and turning them back in the fall. Why?
Just as I get used to it one way or the other, we change it. We claim we are saving daylight...but are we really? It's like trying to stop a war by sitting under a tree thinking about stopping war.
As far as I can tell the only business that benefits from the extra evening hours of sunlight, is 7 Eleven. And thats only because no one wants to go to one in the dark.
DST was proposed by a man named George Hudson in 1895. But he was a nobody and so when William Willett proposed the exact same thing in 1905, he was credited for being the creator.
William disliked playing golf at sunset, so he proposed changing the time to ensure he was taking advantage of the sunlight. He published a paper and Robert Pearce later ran this as a bill through England's Parliament. This failed miserably. Later, in 1916, it was proposed again as a way to conserve coal, because by moving time forward you would burn less in a single day. This time it was accepted in most of Europe. The US would adopt it two years later.
William said that we should adjust our clocks weekly. 20 mins a week. Every week. back and forth to make sure he could golf properly, I mean that we weren't burning too much coal.
In the modern world, it has stayed popular because we don't want to send our kids to school in the dark. Sending them to school with guns, drugs and police patrolling the halls is OK though.
Sporting retailers are also fond of it as people get off work at 5 and there is some sunlight left so people may go "out to a ball game."
Flying is confusing enough without taking into consideration DST. Not only do you have to keep factored in the arrival and departure times but since some countries and one state do not practice DST, it can be confusing as hell.
Arizona doesn't follow the practice at all. They exist on Daylight time. Their are a few cities around the country that also do not follow it.
I say that makes them unAmerican. After all, if I have to be screwed by an outdated practice so should everyone else.


Saturday, March 12, 2011

I Bearly Made It Out Of There Alive

Bears. Most people that know me, know I am anxious of them. But very few know why.
Sure, I know the stuffed ones come in a variety of cuteness. But this is merely a feint. This is especially true of Build A Bear, where they make you place a heart into each bear you make. The reason this is so important is that the heart is secretly a tracking device. This way the bears can get you when you are most vulnerable.
With all the grace of a peg-legged pirate, bears chase down their prey and rip them to pieces.
They sometimes do this while dancing, standing atop a ball or stealing picnic baskets. How, you may ask, are they a danger to us? (Besides their foot long claws and razor sharp fangs?) Read on...
Ever wonder why Christopher Robin doesn't appear in newer remakes of the 100 Acre Woods? It's because Winnie mauled him. That isn't just honey in all those pots.
Every year, hundreds of innocent salmon are brutally executed by these cruel predators, before they can be canned and put on shelves at the supermarket.
In Yellowstone, a larcenous bear relieves you of your valuables by using his smaller, cuter bear friend as a distraction.
Why was a bear living in a big blue house? Because he ate the prior owners.
Some bears had ADHD, and they bounced here and there and everywhere. These "Gummi Bears" would use peoples heads like a trampoline.
"Little Bear" preyed exclusively on children.
Polar Bears have been stealing coke shipments, so they can distribute it themselves. I hear they have started using Santa as their mule.
In the "Jungle Book", Baloo tried to sell a human to a monkey.
"The Wuzzles" tried to make bears even more dangerous by cross-breeding them with butterflies.
"The Hair Bear Bunch" was a group of con artists that tried to escape the zoo every week.
Dorothy was even terrified of them. Imagine had she met the Berserker Bear, instead of the Cowardly Lion.
I've heard rumors about China training Pandas in the art of Kung-Fu.
Some bears were stalkers, the would pretend they cared about you, but then they would follow you and just stare.
A homophobes worst nightmare was made reality when we discovered the Hillbilly Bears.
Paddington had convinced the world that he in fact wasn't a bear and became insinuated into human culture.
The "Country Bear Jamboree" showed us that bears would lure us into false security by singing to us...right before they ate us.
Barney was not a bear, but a big purple dinosaur...but he creeped me out just as much.
And make sure you stay out of the woods today, because today is the day the Teddy Bears practice ritual sacrifice.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Frankly My Dear I Don't Need A Deliverance

As my vacation winds down in Savannah, I reflect now on all that I have seen and learned while here. Savannah is a beautiful city. After all, what is more beautiful than really big cemetery that you can live in?
See, Savannah is regarded by many to be one of the most haunted cities in America. And while they may be Ghost-Friendly, they aren't necessarily dead friendly. Savannah has a bad habit of just building on top of their cemeteries. Need room for some new construction? Well those dead guys over there aren't doing anything their land, so F*** em and build it there.
In one of the squares, the city tried 5 times in 5 different locations to put in a new water meter and they found 6 different bodies. They decided to skip installing the water meter and built a Star-bucks there instead.
Savannah also has changed the way homeless people act and how they beg for money. See, in Savannah, panhandling is illegal. Now, I realize it is illegal most places, but in Savannah there are signs posted telling you to call 911 in the event of people begging. So to get around actually begging for money, the panhandlers make flowers out of corn husks. They then peddle these for anywhere between $6 and $15 depending on how much they think they can get from you. Others sing the same verse out of key all day and some play different musical instruments as well as I would to earn cash. Each time I was approached I tried to sell them the free brochures I was carrying.
Because Savannah is a haunted city, I decided to take a haunted tour. The scariest part of the event was the 80 year old woman in her night gown that yelled at us at 2 AM. We looked at all the best abandoned buildings and got called names by the various homeless people whose sleep we disturbed. Several of those with us had been drinking, which seemed to improve the experience for them overall. After all, I've seen worse things than ghosts when I'm falling over drunk.
But being drunk is the second biggest thing that Savannah is famous for. They have an open container law which says if you have an open container...cool. This law makes drinking holidays more popular here. With St Patricks coming up you can find t -shirts saying things like "I got river faced on S*** Street". Here in Savannah, they take this holiday very seriously and offer pints to anyone between the ages of 6 and 60.
I toured Fort Pulaski while I was here. This is a fort that saw only one battle in the civil war. 15 mins after the Union started firing cannons at it, the officer in charge decided he wasn't paid enough and raised the white flag.
I also got to climb up into a real lighthouse and tour a historically accurate re-creation of a civil war town. I was especially impressed with the "Ye Olde Coke Machine".
I later went to Bonaventure Cemetery, made famous in the novel and movie titled "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil". While driving through parts of Savannah that seemed straight from "Deliverance", I ended up talking to one of the people who possibly inspired it.
There ya have it readers, my week in one of my favorite cities.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Worlds Wildest Police Brutality Videos

I am a sadist. I came to this conclusion after watching a COPS marathon. I found myself secretly hoping that every person approached by the police man would give him reason to use his taser. My list of acceptable reasons include blinking and taking too long to answer a question.
I watched this show for hours and I think that, the more brutal it got, the more entertaining it became.
I watched half naked girl pick a fight with a police woman on horseback. She was quickly smacked down and tackled to the pavement. I went to Mardi Gras on three different occasions, but I never saw more than a horseback cop wave at people.
I watched "Jimmy the Crackhead Redneck" argue with an officer when asked to put his hands behind his back. I giggled as the officer slammed this guys head onto the hood of the patrol car.
I was disappointed that the two guys, that were fighting before the cops showed up, became very co-operative once the boys in blue showed up.
When Barry was explaining to the camera why he "hadn't" just bought meth from an undercover cop, I just wanted him to get punched in the face.
When the middle aged business man, Eric, was crying because he was caught in a prostitution sting, I was hoping he would be roughed up a bit for trying to run.
I watched a crack dealer get chased down on foot and tackled by a one legged cop and I laughed. I laughed even more as the one legged cop almost had a heart attack. Even as bad a shape as I am in, if i was a criminal and a one legged man that is extremely over weight could run me down on foot....I would rethink career choices.
Then once the COPS marathon ended, a new series called Campus PD came on and I was entertained by college kids being treated like punching bags by officers of the law.
One girl went to jail because she gave an officer the wrong name not once, not twice, but three times. Another guy did the same thing, but at least he had a kilo of coke so I can understand why.
If the state would allow me to just randomly taze people, I would let them taze me as much as they wanted...if thats the cost for pay to play, sign me up.
Working in the retail sector for as many years as I did, being able to use near lethal force would be a great motivation tool. If a shoplifter even looked at me wrong...ZZZZZZAAAAPPPPPPPP "I said sit down MotherF*****!" I don't know about you, but that gives me a jolt of excitement.
So what exactly is wrong with me, that I enjoy watching people treated so badly? After all, if I was the one in the video, I am not so sure I would enjoy that treatment.
My therapist would say its because I'm secretly envious of everyone else alive, and watching bad things happen to others justifies my existence. I think she may be on to something, but then again she is the best veterinarian I've ever visited.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I'm Saving This For Later

Readers, as some of you may or may not know I am spending the week in Savannah. So while crashing in my hotel room, flipping through channels, and being generally bored. I came across the show Hoarders.
I must say I was appalled. No, not by the hoarders themselves. And not by the way that these people lived either. But by the therapists that told them they shouldn't live that way. See I'm wondering if maybe living like that may be the best lifestyle. Think about it like this.
Sure its a little disorganized, but times are tough right now. What better way to keep track of where you spent your money than by keeping everything that you spent your money on. While some people struggle to keep up with receipts for tax season deductions, hoarders not only have all the receipts of every purchase they have ever made, but they still have all the purchases they ever made.
I know the idea of a house full of empty tv dinner boxes and popsicle sticks may seem disgusting, but future historians will be grateful for these people. I think the word Pharaoh is Egyptian for Hoarder. And they built monuments to store their "treasures". Which if I must remind everyone consisted of mummified remains of people and cats.
See, one thousand years into the future, the archeologists of the time will have a much easier time figuring out how we lived because of the hoarders. Every aspect of the human experience will be accounted for. They will know what we ate, how we were entertained and why we became  extinct.
Besides, this would make going to Grandma's house much more exciting. It would be like a treasure hunt every single time. Grandma's house is like a box of chocolate, you never know when you might need a tetanus booster.
If more people became hoarders, then there would be less trash in the landfills. It would just be in your neighbors house instead, which must be better for the environment. Also, this would create new habitats for several endangered species, like cock roaches and mice.
Also, as a hoarder, you would never have to worry about uninvited guests as no one would ever visit you. You could live a life style more reclusive than Howard Hughes. Just instead of limitless cash, you would have limitless trash.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I'm Ready For My Close Up Mr Director

Memories long forgotten. This video is proof that I don't only pick fun at everyone else. I am more than capable of making fun of myself too. This is the work of Cliff Delbeau, a dear friend, that at the time was trying to get into film school. This film actually helped do just that.


I hope that you all enjoyed my 15 secs of fame. The original script had the boyfriend calling another woman. I, being twisted as I am and being a comedienne, told Cliff to alter the ending and it became as it is now. Channeling my inner Dan Johnson, I played the part of the other "woman". LMAO, hope you all enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed the trip down memory lane.

Monday, March 7, 2011

I've Been Tripping On Some Magic Mushrooms

Readers, I've always been a gamer. I started out years ago with such classics as Super Mario Brothers and have progressed forward to modern games like Call of Duty and Uncharted. I can honestly say that I have learned alot from gaming.
And since my love for gaming started with Mario, this is where I will begin. See on the surface the game is about a guy who rushes off to save a girl from a giant fire breathing turtle. Pretty standard stuff for a sci-fi movie or fantasy novel. So let's delve a little deeper. Mario and his girlfriend Peach visit a botanical garden. However, they were taking hallucinogens that day and started to trip after they arrived. I know after a few "magic mushrooms" you really will think that you doubled in size. So, Mario proceeded to trash the whole place by jumping on everything and possibly kills most of the indigenous wildlife.He does this because Peach wandered away for a smoothie. After all, they also had a little "flower power" that day too, and it gave them the munchies. In the end, Mario probably threw a turtle at a security guard nicknamed Bowser and grabbed Peach and fled the facility. I tried all of this at Busch Gardens and had a great time till the cops got there.
In Streets of Rage, you are encouraged to eat food found in trash cans and on the bodies of the drug dealers you just defeated. Don't mind the garbage, thats just a pepper substitute.
In many of the old Role Playing Games, wild animals would be found to be carrying text books and other "treasures" after you defeated them...I guess the dog really could have ate your homework.
The Legend of Zelda taught me that I can get the girl once I learn how to use my Master Sword properly.
In video games almost everything bad happens in one of two settings, New York City or some remote village you have never heard of. I say avoid those places and never worry about the next zombie/nazi/virus outbreak/STD fueled orgy again.
Barrels always explode. You should run as soon as you see one. As for the ones that don't explode, well there probably is a giant ape about to toss it at you..
If you need to get into super secure sections of any facility, get inside of a card board box. Just make sure its labeled properly, because then and only then will a patrolling guard take notice.
Your best friend is going to eventually betray you and take over the world. My advice, beat them to it by betraying them and taking it over 1st. They won't see that coming.
Diaries that are at least 100 years old are filled with vague and cryptic clues to treasures that may not even exist.
Zombie outbreaks can happen in a shopping mall, but don't worry you can easily defeat them with cd cases and fatty foods.
After an apocalypse only a rag tag band of miscreant children will be able to save us.
And lastly, villians tend to be quite chatty. They will answer every question and tell you every detail of their life. So, maybe you can keep them talking long enough to just die from boredom.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

It Was Just A Little Heavy Petting

I was recently in a pet store and I realized that all the pets that they sell suck. If a pet is a outward expression of who you are inside, then no mere dog, cat or turtle will do. I need a pet that shows the world clearly what I am all about.
The first animal that comes to mind is the laughing hyena. Unfortunately all I know about this animal stems from the Lion King movies and Batman: The Animated Series. But I always assumed that the Lion King was a documentary, so I'm just guessing its pretty accurate. Imagine my surprise when I found out that the laughing hyena doesn't actually laugh. It just sounds like its laughing so that you aren't on guard as it kills you. And since they are predatory carnivores, you wouldn't have to buy it food. Just take it to the dog park and let it off the leash.
Another animal that I would like to own is an emperor penguin. The elitist in me is drawn to this little and very well-dressed bird. Imagine walking into a black tie only event with a penguin at your side! You would draw the envy of everyone there who wished they thought of it first. As for making a proper home, just buy a deep freezer. Toss it in at night and take it out in the morning. 
Just because I'm envious, I'd like to own an anteater. Did you know they have a 2 ft tongue? Take that Gene Simmons! Living in Ga., this would be the perfect pet. After all, anyone from around here dreads the onset of summer because of the fire ants. I would start an ant removal business by charging people to feed my anteater.
Anyone that knows me, knows I hate bears. I hate bears because they look so cute and then they try and eat you. Much like my Ex girlfriend. So that's why a wolverine would be perfect for me. I watched a nature video once of this slightly overgrown badger beating the crap out of two grizzlys. With a wolverine around, I would never worry about a surprise bear attack. Plus I have it on good authority that they look good in yellow spandex.
I like to play darts and toss sharp objects at my neighbors. For this alone, a porcupine is the perfect pet. I would have a harvestable supply of sharp, pointy objects. 
Because I like Gods sense of humor, I want a platypus. This is an animal that looks like Frankensteins monster. Its like God said "I have all these left over parts, so I threw them together." Its a beaver, duck, otter and a rattlesnake all amalgamated into one singular animal. Thats right, I said rattlesnake. As it turns out, the platypus is highly venomous. I guess it would have to be considering it was always picked on in high school.
So listen up pet stores around the world. Start carrying the animals we really want. After all, why would anyone want a pomeranian, when they could buy a puma...

Saturday, March 5, 2011

I May Not Have Skipped Out On The Check, But I Am Skipping Out On You

Today I'm going to give back to you, my readers. I'll do this by starting a "How To" series that will run sporadically throughout the year. Todays topic: How To End A Bad 1st Date.
We have all been on a few bad dates and sometimes its really hard to know how to get out of them without seeming like a complete jerk/bitch. I mean it's not like you can look at the guy and say "My God, you look just like my dead Uncle Jim...we had a 'special' relationship". Or can you?
So I've come up with a list of inappropriate things to say and do, in order to get out of a bad date and almost guarantee you won't get a call back.
1. "I'm pretty sure that my results will come back clean." Don't explain what results. Just mention it casually and appear nonchalant about the whole thing. And be sure to smile when you say it, not a Jokerish smile, but a warm and open smile that says "I may or may not have an STD". If, for some strange reason, he or she asks what results, just be vague and mention a trip a month or two ago to a brothel in Vegas or Mexico.
2. "Here you really could use a mint/gum/tic tac." Nothing puts a damper on a date than by bringing up the fact that they have bad breath. If its really bad, make sure you tell them they need altoids and nothing else can help. I always carry a package for blind dates just as a way out.
3. Hit on the waiter/waitress. Ask for his or her number, preferably when your date is asking you something important. tell the wait staff that you are trying to expand your horizons and that you aren't seeing anyone.
4. Tell the person you're with that they could always look better with plastic surgery. Offer it as a suggestion, not as a mandatory. Tell them they would be more attractive with a less freakishly large nose for example.
5. "I just got out of rehab." This is a great way to skip drinks. Also, you could vary this one up a bit and replace rehab with mental health facility. In either case, you can mention the fact that you tried to stab your ex with scissors.
6. "Could you give me a second? I need to call home so my pets don't worry about me. They get so protective when I stay out too late and if I don't check in, they will be very upset with me." This works really well if you tell your date the pet in question is a turtle.
7. "I only brought us here because I have a coupon." If you are the "asker" always carry a coupon or two with you so that you can whip it out if the date isn't going well. If the place you are at doesn't actually offer coupons, print something out with photoshop before the date.
8. "My other wives are going to adore you." Unless you are in Utah, this works really well to end the date...I don't recommend using it in Utah however, as this may be an encouragement.
9. "I just don't understand why people can't grasp the difference between jail and prison." Tell stories of spooning with Miguel in a Mexican prison. Or dropping the soap. Ladies, tell him that at first you thought she was a man.
10. "Can you get the check? I'm broke." Even if you end up getting the check, make a big deal that now you are paying it. Sigh loudly and be exasperated. Tell them you were saving up for a new set of golf clubs but it's now ruined because she had desert.
11. "After dinner a few of us are going back to my place. I hope you don't mind the cameras, but you will forget they are there." Tell her your name is Evan Long and that you shoot low budget porn on the side to help pay the bills. Girls, unfortunately this one may not work on guys.
12. "My boyfriend was in a lot better shape than you." Or "My Ex had that same outfit, but it looked a lot better on him." This is a quick way to crush his ego. Tell him that sometimes you take out your former superhuman ex's XXXL football jersey to wear as pajamas.
And lastly, if none of those work you could try "When we are ready to ascend, we shall drink the Kool-Aid and return to the stars." Mention that your "family" actually consists of a commune style group. Tell him or her that when the sign appears you will all be returning to the comet.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Don't Mind Me I'm Just Lounging Around

Today I want to talk about something dear to me. The 7 deadly sins. So this will be the 1st part in a 8 part series that may or may not run consecutively. Since lent is almost upon us, I figured this would be the perfect time to discuss the pros and cons of each. And since the season of lent is all  about giving up, the sin I'd like to start with is...Sloth.
See most people would define Sloth as laziness, but truthfully thats just being lazy. Sloth is like marijuana in that its a gateway sin. It can lead to other sins, chiefly Gluttony. So, yes just like mary jane, Sloth can give you the munchies. This is why in the movie The Goonies, Sloth just sat around watching television and before u know it along comes Chunk because of Baby Ruth bars and ice cream.
The Greek word for Sloth is 'acedia' which means carelessness. So when I made the careless remark by telling Angela that I couldn't date her because I didn't date outside my species, I was actually committing Sloth. Also that time I forgot to wear a condom and that time I left my keys in my front door. I should probably add racing my bike along a wet road at 85 mph without wearing a helmet to this list of careless activities too.
But honestly, what is the big deal with this one? People in the old days used to say idle hands are the devils plaything. They were afraid if someone sat too long that they may do something to shake up the status quo, kinda like Bill Gates did when he invented Windows. Personally, if the people competing with me for a better job are more lazy than I am, then that works in my favor. So I say, indulge.
See the true origin of this sin is more concerned with people remembering their duties and not aspiring for more than they have. This leads to people not caring about anything in their lives, which is why Sloth is most accurately defined as Apathy.
When Dante Alighieri described Sloth in his poem "The Divine Comedy" he placed it on the 5th circle of hell and described this circle as a swamp where the slothful were drowning in their own apathy. I think a scarier image would have been to show a fat guy who hasn't left his computer for four days because he's playing World of Warcraft. Dante made it such a dire sin and placed it further down in hell because of his fear that Sloth leads to suicide.
Dorothy Sayer described the sin as being "it is the one that believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, inteferes with nothing, enjoys nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing, and remains alive because there is nothing for which it will die." Picture three guys on a couch after smoking pot, just staring at the wall.
I could continue to describe Sloth, but really...I just don't care.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I've Never Looked At Rover That Way

Readers, there are alot of sick people in this world. And while visiting a book store that was going out of business, I may have come across one of the sickest. In an almost train wreck kind of way though, I've found I can't stop reading this book.
The man in question is Malcolm Brenner. The book he has written is titled Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover. To explain, he isn't talking about "Oh I love watching the dolphins!" he means "I LOVE the dolphins" in a strictly carnal sense. I don't know about you, but I've never looked at my German Shepherd and thought "I wonder what she is like in bed".
See apparently in the 1970s while experimenting with some mind altering drugs, Malcolm fell in love with a dolphin named Ruby. See, he believed that the two of them shared a "telepathic" connection.
He would spend a majority of his book "thinking" to his dolphin and "hearing" what the dolphin was thinking back. It's almost like that time I "thought" I heard this one girl thinking that she wanted me, only when I asked her she threw water in my face. Maybe I should have just kept the assumption.
The story takes place just outside of my old home town of Sarasota Fl. For those of you who aren't familiar with Sarasota, let me recap why it is famous...1st it was home of John Ringling, who was founder of the Ringling Brothers Circus and 2nd it was where Pee Wee Herman was arrested for showing his "pee wee" in an adult movie theatre. And now it will be famous as a city that will let you f*** dolphins.
This story isn't really new, I had heard the story of the man who slept with dolphins before. But this was the first time I had seen it in book form. I guess the movie Avatar inspired Brenner to release it as a novel. After all, if people can handle giant blue alien and human romance, why not that between a man and a water bound mammal?
Among Malcolm's many justifications to his delusions, he talks about how Ruby gets jealous of his then girlfriend. He claims that the dolphin tried to hurt her and afterwards told him to ravish her. The delusions it seems makes Malcolm feel better about his perversity. After all, if the dolphin wanted it then its not like he did anything wrong...
But Brenner isn't alone in his perversity...if you google search "wet goddess" among the sites you will get is a blog "about dolphins  who love humans and the humans who love them".
It should be noted that Brenner is a "hard hitting investigative reporter", that uncovered such scandals as an alien abduction of his ex wife and the crash of a stealth fighter jet near Pueblo Zuni.
He claimed that writing fiction is too hard for him, since nothing is stranger than his own life. What's strange to me is why isn't PETA harassing this guy? This is a group that breaks animals out of safe places because they can't stand the thought of any bad thing happening. Unless, they secretly condone the works of Malcolm Brenner. Perhaps the majority of PETA understands the complexity of man to animal relationships and that is why they cause disturbances only at the homes and businesses of those that don't have sexual relationships with them.
So, as adverse as I am to the idea of destroying knowledge, I plan to burn this novel later. I don't condone the burning of books under pretty much any circumstance and I believe that everyone has the right to say what they want when they want. But I'd like to roast some s'mores later, and I'm all out of kindling..

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Bourbon & Kool-Aid Never Mix Well

Devoted readers. I must apologize as this morning I got nothing. Nothing except a whiskey fueled headache. I feel like I was run over a few times and then was backed over for fun.
Which has now led to an interesting segue...Drunken revelry...
We all know when we have reached that point of no return. Why is that sometimes we allow ourselves to go past it?
The consequences are never good either. Sure you may think that hottie you hooked up with was awesome the night before, but then you wake up next to Jabba the Hutts sister. Top it off with having misplaced your car and not being able to find all your clothing...to this day I still don't know what happened to my belt or my left shoe.
But waking up with scary women that took you home like a stray puppy isn't the only thing that can happen to me...I mean us.
Waking up spooning with Miguel in a Mexican prison is also a scary morning with some things best left unasked.
Sometimes when your drunk, it seems fun to make your pets drunk. I used to have a beagle that after some Jagermeister, would run around in circles until he just fell over. And while I still find that hilarious, never, ever give alcohol to parakeets. The results are more explosive than using Alka-Seltzer.
Really the only time its fun to be drunk, is when your sober. By this I mean, everyone around you is drunk and you are not. This makes it a fun time to find cameras and cell phones. I like to take random pictures and call people I don't know. I'm sorry Barry for telling your Grandma that you were abducted by terrorists. Who would have thought she would have a heart attack?
I also enjoy playing with other peoples cameras. I like making random videos and uploading them on youtube or text messaging pics to random people in that persons contacts list. Allison, I didn't realize the guy you were with that night wasn't your husband, but he should be proud as you appeared very flexible.
Drunk people are also very honest. Forget Sodium Penathol, giving someone enough Captain Morgan will get you all the answers you need. And it's alot cheaper too. If you need proof that your Ex stole your Whitesnake album, give her a few pina coladas and she will admit it for you.
Parties that are full of drunk people are more fun than a night at the strip club, because someone   is guaranteed to take their clothes off at some point. And unlike the strip clubs, you can take pictures to remind them of it the next day.
So people of the blog a sphere, go out there and have a few Margaritas or Cosmopolitans. Because the pain you feel the next day, will bring a smile to someone else's face later.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

What Harm Can It Do?

Today I'm looking back at the toys of yesteryear. Today's parents are way too overprotective. What, with all the warning labels and lead free paint!
Here's a look at some of the things that my generation used to play with back in the day.
First, lets start with my favorite outdoor toy: the lawn dart. These oversized darts or undersized javelins (depending on your perspective) were sharp enough to skewer a cat...believe me I know as I accidentally skewered mine with one. I'm not really sure how you were meant to play with them, but it always came down to one of two ways with us. 1st, toss the dart straight up in the air and hope you don't get brain damage when it falls or second to throw them at each other.
Next up power wheels. Fisher-Price sold these slowed down go-carts to parents everywhere back in the day. One model in particular was alot of fun. The Power Wheels Motorcycle. Like most Toyotas, the gas pedal would stick and little Johnny would get to be like the real Evel Knievel. Man, I used to love mine at crosswalks.
Anyone else have a chemistry set? I did and I must say I loved it! There were only two words of caution on the box. The larger printed one said that "Most experiments should be performed outside" and the other said in tiny letters "explosive results so have fun with it". Boy, my eyebrows can testify that they weren't lying.
I also had a complete set of throwing stars and throwing knives. We used to take these to school and play with them on the playground. Sometimes, one of our teachers would walk over and show us how to really use them. And if you accidentally caught one, well it was only 4 stitches to heal.
Another safe toy was the Fire Footbag. Although, in the toys defense it did say it should be only used by those 18 and up. This was a ball made of kevlar that was then supposed to be soaked in kerosene and then set on fire and played with like a soccer ball. Thinking back on my sports blog, I now believe this would be the best way to make soccer actually interesting.
Model airplanes have come a long way since they were 1st manufactured. And by come a long way, I mean gotten really boring. The ones we played with had a tendency to burst into flame. These things would light up the sky, or your hand if you happened to be holding it, like the 4th of July.
Lastly, I'd like to comment on a toy that I, along with Pinky and the Brain and Lex Luthor, wish I had access to. In the 1950s, there was a toy called The Atomic Energy Lab. This toy came with real uranium ore. With that and a DeLorean, I could travel back to 1985 and keep Marty from ruining a good movie by making pointless sequels.
So in the spirit of these great toys, I have come up with a new one. While rummaging through the barn, I found some old plow shears. Now, what you do is draw a target on your neighbors house and throw the shears as hard as you can. If done right, the plows will stick into the target. Get three in a row and you have earned a Spunky!
Just be careful, my neighbors dog thought I was trying to play fetch...