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Saturday, April 30, 2011

My Mood Isn't So Charitable

They say charity begins at home, but I say it must have skipped my house. It seems the world is full of those that want to take, take, take but none that want to give...until now.
See, I have decided to become my own non-profit. After all, those payroll deductions that you give now don't seem to be helping your current charities at all. Else, why would they keep asking you for money? Instead of paying out years and years for charities that make claims about what the funds are for but can't show you where the money went, I will upload pictures to my Facebook to show you exactly how I am using your well placed donations.
See, what I'm proposing is a one time lifetime donation. Once you reach a donation maximum of $5000, you will never be asked to donate again. I will print a cheap pamphlet and mail it to you (C.O.D. of course) that mentions your name as a supporter. Actually scratch that, I will just send you a regular e-mail from my Gmail account. This way, I'm not wasting any of your precious donations on something as trivial as paper and envelops to mail to you.
Most charities offer support to good causes, like the United Way. They help organize programs for groups like the Easter Seals or Sparks (a battered women's program). I, too, will use your donations to fuel a worthy cause. Your money will go directly into a bank account so it can be properly dispersed. These funds will aide in the housing, the clothing and the feeding of a needy individual. It will also be used at times to provide recreational activities, that the designee may not have the opportunity to enjoy otherwise, like a trip to Australia. Or a weekend in Cabo San Lucas.
The funds may also sometimes be used to send the spokes person of the Sympathy Foundation on trips to speak publicly for the organization. These trips, will be only minimally awesome so that money isn't wasted. This means no 5 star hotels, only 4 1/2 ones.
Because the designee may have been denied the luxuries in life, once a year he will be treated to a day of pampering. This will include massages, and designer suits. As well as a educational trip to Las Vegas. This way he can be better educated on the theories of probability.
A portion of your proceeds will also be used to provide medical and dental and life insurance. Wait you know what, forget life insurance, after the designee is gone, he won't care about anything left behind.
So, if you wish to join this worthy cause, please make all checks payable The Sympathy Foundation c/o Benjamin Henry and I will personally e-mail you a letter of thanks.

Friday, April 29, 2011

I Will Take My TV With A Splash Of Reality

I have never been a fan of reality TV, mainly because I can't find anything real about it. I would have loved a Shot at Love with Tila, but the closest shot I had, was of Tequila.
And the real Housewives of Blah Blah Blah...they have the whiniest bitches I have ever seen. If I had that much money, I would find better things to do than complain about how bad my life is. They are to me the modern Marie Antoinette and I think we should hang them in the public square. Eat Cake? Eat this!
All of this stemmed from the Real World. See MTV created a documentary of what would happen if you took 7 people that would never under any circumstance room together in the real world and made them room together in a show called the "Real World". And in this show they manage to find the most neurotic and crazy people in America. The show was instantly a hit, because we watched with all the fascination of a train wreck. The only thing better would have been if one of them had been released from prison minutes before filming began. Imagine the hilarity of squeal like a pig moments. Or stabbing someone with a shank for looking at his food too long.
Then came the Road Rules.
Now this show had an actual premise. Instead of saying, "hey this is the way people live", lets show some strangers in a RV and send them around the country. But lets not tell them where they are going. The show should be about them trying to find clues to their next location and compete in games at those locations. This would have been more interesting if the RV were a piece of crap and had mechanical malfunctions all the time. Also, adding a non housebroken dog to the mix would have ensured constant real life drama. Imagine if the spoiled princess stepped in the gift Rover left!
But they still weren't called reality TV...not until a show on CBS came around...called Survivor.
You may have heard of this. Using the real life concept of only the strong survive, Survivor played contestants against each other for fun and profit. They should have had them fight to death for a t bone after a few weeks of eating bugs.
Now we have Jersey Shore, a show that has made me think even less of New Jersey. If that is indicative of what people in Jersey are like, I say we nuke the damn place and cut our losses.
And isn't Snooki a type of fish? Actually the fish would be more attractive.
So what constitutes Reality TV in my mind? How about real people for one...not the caricatures we have on these shows. Paris Hilton pretending to live a Simple Life...yeah ok.
The Biggest Loser makes fun of fat people, thats not cool. Not at least without offering them bacon...then you could say what you want. American Idol shows us that people that can't sing can get record deals and make albums no one will buy. Of the 20 seasons, only Chris Daughtry had any talent. I think a singing show about people that can't sing and making them cry would have been a better premise. Don't let anyone with talent on it, only those that make you sad for the music they are butchering.
Then you had a few that were funny like For Love Or For Money or Joe Millionaire. These shows used deception to create drama. Now I can't find fault with that idea. Tricking a shallow, conceited girl into thinking a guy is a millionaire when in fact he may be worth $4, is a priceless notion. Actually the girl that won should have been required to help get him out of debt. And the other show had a guy looking for love, but all the women knew that if they won they could dump him and claim some quick cash. This show I had problems with only because thats what most people do anyway. It was a little too real. My ex had me help her get divorced and get on her feet, then ran off with the hot, but poor guy she really wanted to be with.
Then there is The Bachelor. So, you want me to believe some hot guy with loads of money can only find his one true love by having random women paraded in front of him on a TV show. And after 15 mins with each girl, he could know which one is a lifetime commitment? Oh, but he gives the girls that he keeps roses...so thats romantic. I know if I had a harem, I would want to give my ladies roses.
Maybe a reality show set in an active war-zone would hold my attention. Contestants could consist of average reality show fare (like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives) and could be dropped into areas of Iraq or Afghanistan that were still "hot". The only rules is they couldn't hide with US Troops or they would forfeit any winnings.
This would let us see how well hair gel works against mortar fire. And if a Snooki is flame retardant.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Doctor My Heart Hurts Because She Took It And Ran

Relationships. In the end they are always about who is the most selfish. See, in any good relationship there is a giver and a taker. And as long as the giver doesn't mind being taken advantage of, then everything is fine. Because the taker won't care if you mind or not. if you mind too much, the taker will drop you like a bag of bricks.
People constantly say that relationships are 50 - 50, but I think thats what quitters say. Anything less than 100% on your part is a failure on your part. I mean look at it this way, you wouldn't want only 50% of the total amount of oral now would you? No, you would want it all!
Sure, maybe you don't want to rock the boat and maybe he will change and treat you better but honestly lets face facts...he won't. So the question is why do you settle? If you auto mechanic told you that he was only gonna repair your car half way and no discount was offered, you would never use him again.
If your Dr told you that he would cure half your illness but charge you the same price as completely treating you, you would seek another opinion.
So why do you allow a man or a woman to only put forth half the effort to keep your relationship happy and healthy?
This is why most marriages end in failure. It is to easy to move on to another person. Way to easy to walk away. Like car insurance, you could save alot of headaches by switching to Katie or Bridget or John or Mark. I mean why work on something when it gets tough? A new spouse is always easier to deal with and she may put up with your bullshit a little longer than your last one!
If you are a Rolls Royce and he's a crime ridden alley, sure you can park there but your going to get your rims stolen.
This is why I think you should have to attend therapy for 5 years before you are allowed to get engaged. Think of how much you will save in the long run on time, heart ache and money. She doesn't speak  her mind to you yet, live with her three years, she will! And if that bothers you, well you didn't care about her to begin with then. He doesn't stand up to your bullying and guilt tripping? Eventually he will explode and then after he's made the bad guy and you're made the victim, everyone will wonder what went wrong.
Instead of dating based on looks and finances, why don't we look at the person on the inside? If he is successful in business and has shark tendencies in his work, he will be cold and that way with you. If she only cares about comfort for herself, she will never care about your own.
Why can't we just find someone and either grow together into what we both want to be or find that person to begin with?
So, here is my proposition! I am in no way qualified to offer advice or treat you or help you with your problems. But I will listen and offer you real life advice. I will help her open to her true feelings. I will help him not be a door mat. I will teach him to be respectful. I will help her to be more tactful. And all I will charge is 14%. Of your total net worth over the course of 30 years. I get to pick which 30 years. Now, some of you may say that is crazy. But honestly isn't she worth it?
And if my non sensical methods seem to work, and you manage to stay married until death do you part, isn't that money well spent?
And that scenario is for those that already have relationships. For those of you that are single, I can help you find your soul mates using a non scientific and made up series of tests that I don't even look at the results. Kind of like E-harmony. Only with me and not a computer screen.
So come on down and let me fix your love lives...after all I can't screw them up anymore than I have my own.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

You May Live Your Life In Fast Forward, But I Prefer A Universal Remote

My good friend Jason Gil is the inspiration behind todays Sympathy. The idea began with a joke about the opposite sex and then it began to weave something much deeper within my fractured mind. So I took another look at the movie "Click". The moral message of the movie is that you should enjoy life and not wanna rush through the bad parts, but I disagree.
I think having a remote control device that affects the world around you would be awesome. Imagine fast forwarding through the boring stuff and rewinding over and over the really good moments. And sometimes, you need to just press pause!
See lets look at it like this, no one really wants to be bitched at by their significant other, so I would just skip all those moments. And I have had some experiences that I can only relive in my mind...how great would it be to hit rewind over and over and over until you are too tired to continue on?
And then there are moments that can make use of all the functions on the remote. Like the time you punched your boss in the face for pissing you off! You can rewind, fast forward and pause to watch that in every possible angle or even in HD or Wide Screen.
Then there are those meetings that your company makes you attend! You know the ones! The ones that make you feel like you are taking part in an infomercial! Don't you wish you had a "next  chapter button" to get past that?
And how about the 1st moment the girl you like invites you back up to her place? Don't you wish you could slow it down and take it all in? And just think, you could do that over and over and over.
And how many times would like to share a 1st kiss with the person you love?
And how many times would you like to skip a kiss from someone that makes you want to vomit?
Or wouldn't you like to fast forward the conversation you will have with your wife about getting fired for looking at asian porn on company time?
And lets go one step further: Imagine a DVR device so you can share the best moments with friends and family! No one believes you scored with a porn star? Then upload the video and play it on Your Tube! Or how about that time you caught your nosy neighbor (who called the cops because you played your music to loud) smoking weed in the back yard, play that video at the home owners association!
Or like the time you saw someone that belonged on the people of Wal-Mart. You could show that off to everyone live and not have to describe who Rainbow Brite is to a 20 year old.
So, scientist like people get cracking. I wanna rewind back the clock and give myself this device when I was 19. This way I could take advantage of all best features while I am still young enough to use them. Of course if you can't invent them, why don't we all pretend that they have! How much more fun would that be then?

Monday, April 25, 2011

Shower Me With Gold And I Will Make You Happy

Ahh the simple things in life. See, what many don't understand is that these are the things that make us most happy. Sure, a fancy car may provide an ego boost because it makes younger women want to date you, but I promise you could live without it. Although, I personally wouldn't but thats because I choose that to be one of my simple things in life.
See, its all about sacrificing some non necessities in order to become truly comfortable and happy.
For instance, toilet paper doesn't seem like much until you are camping in the woods and have to wipe your ass with a pine cone. And a comfortable pair of sneakers may not seem like much but I'd bet a paraplegic would love to be able to use yours.
Sometimes I find it's necessary to show people they don't need alot of fancy things, which is why I set fire to that rich guys house in Sydney Australia this morning. Bet he will know the simple life now. Or why I keyed that rolls royce in the Caiman Islands yesterday, with it damaged, they wouldn't dare show it off and brag about it!
See its the fear of losing all of that status symbol stuff that keeps the rich so damn depressed. It's why they say money can't buy you happiness. See, poor people already feel like the world hates them so they have moved on from caring about or worrying about it. Rich people on the other hand, feel the need to stay popular and superior. This causes them to be moody and sad and lonely. If they found out that a hug would make them feel as good as spending $5000 on a briefcase/purse, it may change the socioeconomic situation in America.
So, I have devised a plan. This is for all upper middle class and higher on the food chain readers. Give me all your worldly possessions and I will hug you whenever and as often as you might need it. Sure, it will be a burden on me, but I will make that sacrifice to help you find true happiness. I will even help you find a minimum wage job with really crappy hours, so that you can appreciate your families at home. We can get rid of the pretenses of superiority and learn how to struggle and try and make ends meet together. Well I will teach you, but I will be forced to live your former life styles.
The cross I will bear to make each of you happier...

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Let's Pretend We Are Rabbits And I'll Hide Something With Your Eggs

Sometimes I think my life is a Will Ferrel movie, because I just want to punch someone in the face.
Which is why in sex I take the motto "If your not 1st  your last."
But a few days ago I realized on another blog how much I do channel Mr Ferrel when I started rambling on about Jesus, in a manner consistent with Taladega Nights and his George Bush impressions. See a fellow blogger on here that I follow had all these pictures of a creepy and obsessive stalkerish looking Jesus and I found it a bit unnerving at first. But the more he stared at me the more I realized that I liked Creepy Jesus. See this Jesus is relatable to me, he looks like the guy that sits and talks to himself while eating nachos.
My actual montage is as follows (warning this could be construed as irreverent, but trust me it is all said with love):
    
"I think from now on I will make all my prayers care of creepy and staring at me Jesus! My dear Creepy-Staring Jesus! O Holy looking at me through the binoclears from the neighbors house Jesus! Our dear kind and carving our names into your leg Jesus! Great following you home and mumbling about the dog telling you to do things Jesus! Amazing, keeps tabs on me and leaves me random pictures of places I have been, pictures that have me in there, pictures that were taken without my knowledge or my consent Jesus! Yeah, I like that Jesus!"

See, what is more showing of love than a guy that tattoos or carves your name somewhere on his body? And he cares so much he keeps tabs on my life! Sure, we celebrate his resurrection by worshipping rabbits and playing ancient fertility games, but its only cause we like playing hard to get.
I say this year lets proclaim our devotion by piercing each other in remembrance for the piercings he earned being nailed to a cross. And then, if he resurrects us, we will each know his love.
Or if that is a little extreme, we can continue to follow my normal Easter tradition of finding some one to play rabbits with....

Thursday, April 21, 2011

My Hypocrisy Only Goes So Far

America. I despise hypocrisy. If you pick up prostitutes on Saturday, please don't condemn strippers on Sunday. For better or for worse, I say what is on my mind and that has cost me friendships in the past. In this new world if you say something that may hurt someone else's feelings they will delete you off of Facebook.
This normally wouldn't bother but I actually enjoyed speaking to this person. And just as I was writing an apology, not for my beliefs, but for sharing them and telling the person to just delete the comments, I find I am blocked from that person. And yes, my comment could have been construed as callous, but if you make a living by selling something similar, why can you get upset?
It would be like being a television actor and showing disdain for the movies. It's the same thing, just in a different medium.
In friendships, I have always believed that people may say stuff that I don't agree with, but if you are friends you respect their opinions...You...agree to disagree. But now a days, people only respect your opinion if it is exactly the same as theirs. If you are a taxidermist and you get offended by the human bodies exhibit, you my friend are a hypocrite. Who gave you the right to say that animal life being put on display is any less significant than human life? Just because you are human? That makes you a speciest.
And if you make money by selling the dead, please don't hate me for finding it funny even if my beliefs are in your opinion in bad taste. Because without people with bad taste, you don't have a job.
I make no excuses for who or what I am. I have often said I am the Monster at the end of this book. It's why I use the pseudonym "Samael" on a blog titled "Sympathy For The Devil". But the difference between myself and everyone else is, I will allow you to say what you believe and I won't judge you for that. If everyone held the same beliefs I did, I would be bored.
It's like PETA condemning people for eating meat and then euthanizing almost 25,000 pets.
It's like Cookie Monster telling kids to eat apples but then snacking on a box of Oreo's.
Be true to your beliefs and don't hide from them. But don't run from those that have different beliefs than you. Because then, in my opinion it means that your beliefs aren't strong enough to withstand intelligent and friendly discussion. And if something I say offends you, well tell me! I will happily discuss it and if it bothers you that badly, we won't have to talk about it together again.
That is the joy of friendship, accepting others despite flaws. I have several, but then again so do you.
But sometimes, I guess, its just easier to be a Hypocrite.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Your Love Makes Me Wanna...

Its springtime, and like my outlook on life, its all a little hazy.
As the world around me comes to life and people laugh and love, I sit alone drinking coffee. After all love is completely overrated. I would like to get it banned.
So today, I am starting a revolution. Every guy that's been stood up, I am ur battle cry. To every man, who's love of their life leaves them for a guy they haven't seen in almost 20 years...I am calling to you.
To any woman, who's been made to feel not worthy because some jack ass cheated or intentionally hurt you, I will be your champion.
We will march against Spring. Stand up to Hallmark. And abolish Valentines Day.
Why should the people that suck find happiness at our expense? I say let's burn this motherf****r down!
That cute little waitress you've flirted with for two weeks won't meet you for coffee? Set her car on fire to show her what she missed out on!
Ladies, that dive instructor guy blows you off? Burn an effigy in front of his business, this way he sees how devoted you would have been!
I say, let's hold monthly meetings, sing camp fire songs like "I broke the antenna of his Cavalier" or "I hooked up with her sister for spite".
We can dance, laugh and giggle in our shared apathy.
Maybe have a bake sale.
Or a "I wouldn't date you without being paid" auction.
These could raise money for our cause.
Instead of a kissing booth, we could charge to slap people.
I think I am on to something here...1st meeting of Vengeful Hearts Club starts on Tuesday. Bring photos to burn and I will supply candles alcohol and if you're cute enough...music to set the mood.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Don't Tax My Patience

Today is tax day. Normally it falls on Apr 15th, but this year it was moved because Apr 15th landed on Emancipation Day. And since it would have been too ironic to make you pay your taxes, they decided to make you free from paying until the weekend was over.
So for the 1st time ever, I had to pay the government. I am not too happy with this as they don't do anything for me. I think my biggest problem with taxation is the amount of money we waste as a nation. What follows is some of the most asinine expenditures of 2010.
1. Taxpayers spent $615,000 to the University of California to scan pictures of the Grateful Dead. This was to digitize the bands memorabilia and concert tickets and preserve a cultural icon. I think this was done because without spending this money, no one would know who they were.
2. Taxpayers paid $1 million to place plaques with poetry on them in zoos. I know that every time I go visit one, I would rather read Frost or Bronte than look at the monkeys. But unfortunately, since this was only spent on 4 zoo's I may never get the chance to see it.
3. A total of $3 million has been given to the University of California to play the World of Warcraft. This money helps ensure that you can keep playing your level 90 paladin and not have to worry about the subscription fees or the endless cup of Mountain Dew.
4. In an effort to understand global warming we spent $700,000 to study methane emissions from cows. Using the lighters and filming it for youtube cost us nothing, however.
5. The National Institutes of Health has spent $442,000 to study how a male prostitute in Vietnam performs. I think they could have gone to 10th Street and saved a 15%.
6. We spent $239,000 to study how internet love works. It seems now love isn't just "grand", it requires a 30 year mortgage.
7. We spent almost $2 million on a Neon Sign Museum in Las Vegas. That's a "Hunk a Hunk" of cash.
8. The National Institutes of Health spent almost $1 million in stimulus funds to study a genital washing program in South Africa. That's money well spent, no one likes to play with dirty balls.
9. The U.S. Census Bureau spent $2.5 million on a commercial during the Super Bowl that only the people at the Census Bureau understood.
10. The National Science Foundation spent $216,000 to find out "whether or not politicians gain or lose support by taking ambiguous positions." I guess we only like doggy or missionary.
I think we should all get refunded for having spent money for any of the above and the politicians that voted for them should have to pay for them out of their own pockets. Or maybe they will give me $200,000 to sit at home and write blogs while eating pizza and playing DCU Online, after all, it wouldn't be more wasteful than this small and incomplete list I have given you.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

We Are Living In A Material World And My House Bears Those Markings

How would you like your mortgage paid for you? Well nows your chance and all it will cost you is the value of your home.
A new advertising firm, Adzookie, has discovered a way to ensure it can advertise effectively: by painting its logos on your homes. I think this is a great idea! How many of us wouldn't want to live in the neighborhood that resembles a car from Nascar?
The website for Adzookie is very vague about the conditions of the contract. they never say exactly what they will paint your house to look like. They do, however, offer one picture of their own logo in yellow. But nowhere in the rules could I find that specific language saying that they would only paint their own logo. Instead they say, "if you don't mind brightly colored houses that draw the stares of neighbors." This makes me think that instead of their own logos, they will indeed paint the logos and advertisements of their clients. I imagine, there is a huge disclaimer if one of those clients is a drug for fighting herpes. You could have the drugs logo along with its catch phrase of "making the outbreaks less frequent" right above your front door. I wonder if this would dissuade uninvited guests like Jehovah Witnesses or Girl Scouts.
According to the website the contract is for 3 months but could be extended for one year. Imagine living in your gated community and drawing the ire of the home owners association by living in the Kotex home!
I mean, honestly, how much worse could the advertisements be than what your neighbors already do to their homes? My neighbor just painted his house bright fuchsia. If they had let Adzookie paint their house, it may have still been bright fuchsia, but it may now also have the Raisin Bran logo.
Since your house is now a giant billboard, think of the possibilities.
One, it would ensure anyone could find you with minimal directions. "Yeah, turn right at the big oak, left at the house with the red door and I live directly across from the Imodium House."
Two, it would give the neighbors something else to talk about, besides the numerous women you bring home while your wife is out of town. Or for you ladies, the different yoga instructors that you bring over after your husband goes to work to help you...ahem...stretch things out.
Three, it will prove to your parents that your significant other ISN'T the biggest whore in town. After all, being paid to live in a home sponsored by Summer's Eve or Angel Soft requires a special kind of prostitution.
I think signing up with this program would be a lot like using chat roulette, sure there's a chance a normal person may appear on the other screen, but most likely all you will get is a penis.
After all your home should say something about you. I'd like mine to say "My home is my castle and to the next 20 callers, you can save 15% by switching your car insurance to Geico."

Thursday, April 14, 2011

P.eople E.nding T.he A.nimals

Everyone knows that I am an animal lover. Just not in the way that one guy I wrote about loves animals. And we all know how much PETA loves animals too. They just love them to death.
Literally.
A little known, and not advertised, fact is that PETA runs a few animal shelters around the country. And at these shelters, they systematically put to death, on average, 6 animals a day. That may not seem like alot, I eat more animals in a day than that. However, since 1998, they have euthanized 25,840 animals.
And how does the group that breaks into dog shows to free the slaves rationalize this? Well in 2010, they executed 2,200 of these freed slaves to "free them from a world that doesn't want them".
Why can't we use this logic with rapists, child molesters and people that cut me off in traffic?
I applaud the group and don't feel that they are being hypocritical at all. After all, how better to ensure that the animals needs are met than by killing them. That means we are preserving resources like food, water and air. Unless they don't bury them, then the air is fouled again.
After all, we can't expect PETA to use the money they spend on parties and advertising to actually be used to benefit the animals they claim to love. That money is limited and must send a message. And they need all 33 million of that to show hot super models that look like they are dying of starvation proving someone can live on just lettuce.
We can't expect them to apportion say 2 million of that to help feed 2000 more wayward souls. Besides, its only the ugly pets that get euthanized, the cute ones get adopted, so what is the big deal? I say PETA could save even more money to use for advertising its message by just euthanizing all animals. Then we could send the cuter ones to a taxidermist to have preserved forever. This wouldn't require food or shelter and it would ensure that no one was eating them. Then they could have even more photoshops of people starving and looking fabulous.
But they would have to change a few of their videos.  If they take this new stance they could make a new video called "Clubbing With The Seals" or "Pulling The Trigger Keeps Those Eyes Forever Smiling" (because they would be made of glass).
I think PETA is on to something with all this. It is far more inhumane to dress a bear up as a clown, than it is to kill a pekinese. Besides, they are sure to hug them and read them a story before they set up lethal injection.
It probably goes alot like this:
PETA: We are going to save all the animals from horrible lives
Animal: Sweet. Sign me up.
PETA: Now drink the Kool-Aid and we shall return to the great comet in the sky
Animal: Great comet? What the $#% are you people talking about?
PETA: Only once we have left this world can we find the peace that we have been promised.
Animal: Wait, this is definitely not what I signed on for.
PETA: YOU WILL BE ONE OF US! YOU WILL ASCEND INTO THE HEAVENS AND SEE THE TRUE PARADISE!
So follow the example set by this amazing and often rational group of people and off as many animals as you can because after all as they said you're just trying to "free them from a world that doesn't want them".

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Why Listen To The Experts? I Know What's Best For You!

It has recently come to light, that a Chicago area school banned the practice of bringing homemade lunches to school. I believe it's so that the students can be as miserable as the faculty.
Principal Elsa Carmona said her reasons for the ban were to ensure students ate healthy meals. I agree with you Ms Carmona, as nothing is healthier than Pizza Friday or Taco-Like Substance Wednesday.
I mean its clear both of those meals are more nutritious than say a gluten free meal a parent may make.
Sure some kids may bring junk food, but its all most will eat when they are adults anyway, so why delay the inevitable?
Of course, there are detractors to the idea. Some claim it is Anti-American to force kids to eat the school food or go hungry. Critics noticed many kids wouldn't eat or only eat marginal amounts and threw most away.
The school district also receives Federal funding based on how many kids eat free or reduced lunches. So it actually pays the school to disallow any outside food sources.
One of the advocacy groups speaking out against this violation to consumer freedom is the Center for Consumer Freedom. The CCF is a non-profit organization that represents the interests of alcohol, tobacco and food industries. According to sourcewatch.com, Philip Morris is their main sponsor.
The group was originally founded in 1995 as the Guest Choice Network, in 2002 they changed their name. The original intent was to rally restaurants, stadiums, and other public places to fight for smokers rights.
J Justin Wilson, a senior researcher for the CCF, claims that this just the schools way of forcing a Socialists agenda.
But really, what's more American than forcing people to do things contrary to regional belief systems...just ask the natives.
I say, they should eat and like it, after all, it teaches kids one valuable lesson. If you can eat school food and survive, you can survive on anything.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

My Store May Not Be Bigger Than Your Store, But At Least I Know How To Use It

Owning a business. Is there anything more American? It's like Apple Pie, baseball and homemade amateur porn. Ok, so the more American thing would be to move into an area and just steal everyone else's business and place a flag of Capitalism in the center of it all. We can claim we were educating the savages.
But how many people really know what is involved in owning a business? I mean, unlike real problems, you can't take these out back and teach them some manners. Well, unless your the Mafia, but then you followed the more American version of acquiring a business anyway.
If you have employees they may want basic features like being paid. I think they should feel lucky that I hired them to begin with. And why do you need health insurance? I think the better business plan is not to get sick and suck it up!
Bribing people to get your business started the right way is harder these days too. More people want their hands in that cookie jar. I think they should all wear signs that say "Bribe Me" to make them easier to identify and avoid things like jail sentences.
This way I could get the permits I need today and not tomorrow.
Then, once you are open, you have to maintain good customer relations, which I am good at! But alot of people don't deserve. I wish we could use tasers on the ones that annoy me.
Which brings me another business idea! Taze Me! The premise would work like this, you pay me to use a Taser on you. This wouldn't appeal to everyone but some people like whips and chains!
When did leg breaking go out of style? Now they call it extortion but I think it is a solid business venture. I mean, it shows outright what will happen, if your "insurance" isn't paid up.
In the movies, every business has secret passageways to escape in case of alien invasion, mob attacks, clones or ex wives. I wonder if my land lord will mind me making a big hole into the building next door for just such an eventuality!
I think that I should be paid to just stare at buildings and businesses. That could be my business! I could be an official watcher! Now if only I can market it....

Friday, April 8, 2011

You, My Dear, Have Been Trumped

Donald Trump. The name is synonymous with bankruptcy and bad hair pieces and soon (if he has his way) the Presidency of these United States.
After all, if he can't fix the country he would just fire us all and pull out his financial funding.
Look what he has done for mens hair styles...frankly he should have fired whoever told him that looks good.
But in America, if you are too wealthy for your own good, you can run for the White House. If you are poor, you can make a run at it too, but you will likely get tazed.
Donald Trump is the king of over promising and under delivering,  just ask Ivana. But that's why I like him for the role!
Look, unlike all the other politicians out there, we knew that Donald is only in it for himself! There is no pretense of caring about the average American, he can't even spell "average."
And he is approaching this potential race for the oval office as if it were a board room prepping for a hostile take over! 1st rule, belittle your opponent and he is doing just that!
Recently on the Today Show, The hairpiece claimed Obama was born not in Hawaii but in Kenya.
I admire your spunk Donald, but this old news. Maybe if you had claimed he was born on Mars and teleported to Earth in the 50s by a kindly Professor or that his father had rocketed him to Kansas as the sole surviving son of a great civilization, I would be more interested.
Apparently, host Meredith Viera felt the same as she looked half asleep during the interview. She didn't even bother refuting or questioning it because it wasn't sensational enough.
Remember, it's not slander if you say "Well I'm not saying the President is an illegal alien usurping the White House, but ... if he was I won't be surprised."
It's not what you say but how say it. If you keep it to allegedlies, you can say what ever you wish. Like if I were to say "It's possible that Donald Trump has smoked Marijuana." I'm not accusing him of smoking Marijuana, I am just pointing out the fact it is possible.
So now America, go forth and vote for the Donald! After all, it's possible he can't f*** it up more than anyone else already has.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Don't Ask Me, But I Will Tell You That I Want Be Strip Searched By A Hot Lesbian

Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
I say Don't Do It. For those that don't know, this is the policy which was repealed in 2010 but remains in effect until the people that repealed say its ok to be repealed which prevents openly gay, lesbian and bi-curious men and women from serving in the military. And I am totally OK with it. After all the word gay means happy and if you have ever met a Marine, you know that isn't possible.
I mean why should members of the gay and lesbian community have the right to volunteer to die for us for less than minimum wage in places I wouldn't use for a toilet? The nerve.
After all, if they openly served, the uniforms may get better color coordinated. Or they may start a television show called "Queer Eye For The Army Guy". And we can't have that. I know that all of the people that believe like I do, would rather be savagely murdered than be protected by an openly gay or lesbian person. That's how dedicated to the belief that only heterosexuals are capable of defending us.
Then I thought it over and I don't think that this should be limited to just the military. I think it should be part of all emergency response jobs: law enforcement, fire-fighters, EMT's, and medical personnel. After all, if you are having a heart attack and possibly dying, you don't want to be saved by a gay or lesbian.
Or if your house is burning down, heaven forbid the thought of a gay fireman rescuing you and your family and trying to save your possessions. No, on principle alone, we should let it burn to the ground. After all, if they aren't straight they may make your water crooked.
As for law enforcement, well gay people run funny and that would embarrass the force way too much to allow them to be in. After all, when you are chasing a guy with his pants around his ankles, you can't be running fabulously.
If only we had more role models for straight people. Like that guy who used to play Doogie Howser! He is a shining example of how a straight person should live! Those roles he plays in How I Met Your Mother and Harold and Kumar, must be indicative of his real life! Or news anchor Anderson Cooper, look how refined he is, you know he has to be straight! Or even Congressman Barney Frank. He is the epitome of heterosexuality. For the ladies how about role models like Jodie Foster, man she was hot back in Silence of the Lambs. Or Tila Tequila! After all she is a porn star and if that doesn't prove how straight she is, I don't know what will!
So, America, go out there and keep up the nonsensical madness towards the gay and lesbian community. After all, it does make good sense! I mean, we can't have military bases that provide  better tasting meals, barracks that have color coordinated carpets and drapes, neatly pressed and impeccable hygiene for our soldiers. We can't allow them to die for us, because then who would cut our hair or do our make overs!
No, we can't allow that, because that would just be too queer.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Rain Rain Go Away So I Can Get Out From Under My Bed

I hate storms. Readers, there is nothing on this planet that will make me wet myself faster than lightening except maybe bears. And if they are lightening bears I may have a heart attack.
A major storm just came through and devastated my tiny home town. So if you're a local and haven't heard yet, that isn't a wood burning stove you smell...you're house is on fire.
I was awoken to the sound of a banshee singing at my window while a dozen bears beat against my walls. The ordeal left me without power and without bullets as I fired 500 rounds of ammunition towards the bears only I could see...a direction which also happened to be my neighbors house.
After making my way to a closet where I hid for seven hours weeping like a little girl, the storm finally ended.
So, I cleaned myself upand ventured out into the world...and was saddened to see that so many buildings had burned to the ground.
Lightening and tornadoes had ripped through my little hamlet and destroyed several businesses and left many without power. Luckily (as of this writing) no one was hurt.
I caught up with a local reporter and chatted her up. Once I finished flirting, I inquired into the extent of the damage.
And it was pretty bad.
And that's why I say, if there is anything worse than bears its bears hurling lightening bolts from the sky to strike out against those that would harm or hoard or even look at a defenseless teddy.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Take Me Out To The Ball Game And Make Sure We Bring Cheese For The Whine

Baseball. You gotta love it. After all, it is Americas Pastime. Besides, without baseball on TV, I would never get any sleep.
Up until the strikes in the 90's, I was a huge fan. But then I saw what kind of whiners these guys were. I watched a guy catch  a ball wrong in his glove and hurt his hand...shake it off right? Not this guy, he sat out the rest of the month with a sprained thumb. For the money these guys make, you could chuck balls at me at 90 mph and I would never complain.
But then in 2000, I decided to once again try and learn to love baseball. So, I watched the local team The Tampa Bay Devil Rays (name has changed now that they have gotten better) play. I watched the opposing teams' batter hit a pop fly into left field, which should have been an easy out or at most a run to 1st. The left fielder is there and he's ready. His hand is outstretched. The ball is in his direction. He has determination stamped on his face. He plants his feet and thrusts his arm in the air....and the ball lands 3 feet to his left. To add insult to injury, he then stares at his glove as if it betrayed him. He just keeps turning his gaze from the glove to the ball...which is still on the ground beside him. Finally, another player runs up beside him, grabs the ball and keeps the batter stuck on third base.
Which brings me to my point...it seems baseball is once again in the news, and this time, it is the NY Mets complaining. About Family Guy.
See, a season or two ago, the popular cartoon ran a spoof where Stewie compares a current disappointment to being a Mets fan. This has both the team and the fans in an uproar. I can see why they are upset. If I sucked so badly, I wouldn't want  anyone to talk about it either.
I wasn't even aware they actually still played anyway. I thought they walked onto the field, then waved at the crowd before throwing down their gear and leaving.
Maybe someone should offer them lessons. There is a kid in little league this year that is awesome. I'm sure he can teach them how to actually catch a ball. Hell, maybe they could adopt t-ball rules so that they are actually able to get a hit in every once in a while.
When did playing sports become big business? And when did the athletes become so lame that cartoons can hurt their manly ego's?
Maybe, instead of worrying about a cartoon, they should focus on actually winning a game.
Of course, look at it this way. If this bothers them so much, I would make sure that local stations played it in the towns they visit for away games. Get a sorta psychological edge.
If the Mets go on to play well this year, I must believe it was because of Seth MacFarlane's creation. And if it works then think of the other uses. Family Guy: Dog Training. Family Guy: Don't Gamble Away The Rent You Drunk SOB. Family Guy: I'm Leaving You For Your Sister Unless You Get A Job.
So FOX Network, pay attention...you may have a gold mine here.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Candles Even Small Ones Will Push Back The Darkness

In honor of National Poetry Month, I have decided that todays blog would be a poem. This is the opening to my novel Shining In The Dark. It is based on my life and the people that were there can vouch to the events, even if I have changed all the names. What some don't know is that I once chased a bottle of sleeping pills with a bottle of wine. And I woke up. The following poem was my suicide letter. It's titled "The Diminishing Candle".

You tell me I should glow
     Like lamplight in the park
And remain a guide to the lost
     By Shining In The Dark

But I have come to realize
     Joy will never come my way
And my suffering will continue to grow
     With the passing of each day

For I found someone to love
     And gave her all I am
But now she has forsaken me
     Now I find I'm damned

So don't tell me I should glow
     My eyes have lost their spark
And until the day my soul returns
     I won't be shining in the dark


Friday, April 1, 2011

New Products And Services To Amaze Your Friends With

Since nothing is going on today, I decided to share some random updates across the worldwide web.
Kodak has announced on its website that they have released a new app that will remove your ex's from your old pictures. Called Relationshiffft, the program accurately scans the person you no longer want to share space with and deletes them from your memories. It then scans the the area and replaces your deleted ex with a beautifully rendered and natural looking background. This is probably one of the apps I am most excited about as I usually just replace my ex's with Wonder Woman. For more info check out http://tinyurl.com/kodak001 .
SouthEast Airlines has announced a new policy going into effect in May. They will charge airfare based soley on a persons weight. Your weight will take you 1000 miles. Which means I can fly from New York City to Los Angeles for a mere $517.02.
Google has announced two new things today. The first is a new feature added to their popular gmail application. You can sign up for Gmail Motion, which is in the BETA stages. This program uses your webcam to capture your motions and translate them into words. This app is especially useful for those people that talk with their hands. Find out more at http://tinyurl.com/googlebetaapps .
The second announcement is a job posting. If you are willing to move to the lovely city of Mountain View California, you can join the google family. They are looking for a few more autocompleters to join their stable of current autocompleters. Apparently, the amount of web traffic has increased so much they cannot keep up and need a few more employees. Apply at http://tinyurl.com/googlejobs001 .
West Jet has annoounced that they found a way to make their flights safer: adding helium to them. They claim that it will also make the plane lighter and use less fuel. Not only will this save the passengers money, it will allow them to have many comical conversations. Find out more on http://tinyurl.com/westjetnews .
Blackberry phones are getting even more compact and portable. RIM announced the new screenless Blackberry. It's just a qwerty keyboard and speakers and a microphone. It's not like you look at your screen when texting and driving anyways! The new handset confirms button presses by playing tones in morse code. Check it out at http://tinyurl.com/screenlessblackberry .
Well, I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did...hopefully tomorrow is a better news day.
Oh well, I such a fool for new products that this was enjoyable.