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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Tell Me The Tale You Would Like To Hear

I have always wanted to live a fairy tale. And while I am usually stuck in the role of beast and awaiting a beauty that can see past the monster, Jessie Dobinson prefers to live out the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
Taking a cue from the classic tale, Jessie breaks into peoples homes to try their food and then he finds the most comfortable bed and takes a nap. Afterwards, he steals the best valuables and leaves to find his next victim.
Aside from the larceny and the fact he also robbed someone at knifepoint and committed assault on a man dressed up in a bear costume, I can find no fault in Jessie. After all, he's living his dream. And who am I to deny him his happily ever after.
At a mere 19 years of age, young Jessie has evaded police in London for over a week now. His short blonde hair may not be as long as his fairy tale inspired icon, but it shines just as bright.
Jessie is wanted for breaking into the same house twice in less than a week. Both times he ate the food of the home owner and both times he took a nap in the house.
Then he returned to the same home and shot the home owner in the chest with a bb gun.
I think he thought the home owner was a bear. I can't blame him as I hate bears as well.
But this brings up an interesting concept. Living in fairy tales.
I think there should be a bed and breakfast concept that has you actual experience all the ups and downs of specific fairy tales. Maybe you could rappel down Rapunzel's tower. Or take a carriage ride in a giant pumpkin. A submarine voyage through an underwater kingdom. Ball room dancing. Elegant clothing. Maybe even some animatronic animals like at Disney to guide you through your journey.
Maybe three wishes and a magic carpet ride is your fantasy...I know what I would wish for!
Or maybe to go from zero to hero for a weekend. Whatever your desire, this place could make it real. The entire staff could be catered to your particular story. The food could be specific to your tale as could the attire. It would be like a cool version of a renaissance fair. (Although I am not into sword play.)
Happy endings probably cost extra though. Unless your fantasy is Mulan. Then it is appropriate.
Anyone wanting to start this bed and breakfast has my permission, you only need to set me up in   one of the dungeons...because after all...everyone knows beauty never really chooses a beast.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

This Magic Carpet Ride Is Closed For Repairs

As a result of a relationship ending, I did what I always do. I escaped the situation so it doesn't have to be real. I know it doesn't give you closure or solve anything but I figure if your problem isn't staring you in the face, then it doesn't exist.
So  I decided to go to the only place that could make a sad person happy. I went to the happiest place on earth. Happy like sugar is sweet. If this place were sugar it would be diabetic coma sweet.
I went to the Magic Kingdom. I've always been a kid at heart and visiting places like this tend to take my mind off my problems. I hadn't really been to Disney World before. I say hadn't really because I did go when I was 4 but if you cant remember it, then it didn't happen. Like that time in Cozumel with those hot young triplets.
Now I must admit I was nervous about visiting this place and putting my negative emotions onto such a happy universe and ruining it for me. But I must admit that the Magic Kingdom is really magical.
From the moment we got off the monorail and I saw an Asian lady carrying a sheep. I knew today would be a fun one.
The fact that she was also dressed like someone in the movie Grease only intensified my enjoyment.
Following Little Bo Peep, we made our through the park. I listened as a 14 year old girl told her friends she wanted to get knocked up so people would pay attention to her.
I marvelled at the architecture and designs I saw. Like that door to the Mens room in that one restaurant that looked like a penis.
I watched dancers at work that didn't work for tips.
I stood in hour long lines for 30 seconds worth ride time.
But most importantly I laughed. Which I didn't think I would be able to do.
But I don't think I can credit Disney for all of my uplifting. The real heroes were the two people that chose to accompany me.
One is a dear friend that is experiencing something very similar to what I just did.
The other was her one year old son.
Thank you Valerie for just being a good friend. I hope u two enjoyed the day as much as I did.
I needed a break from my reality and I needed to laugh.
And laugh I did. Because Jake was fascinated by everything. Except the Carnival of Progress...but in his defense that ride sucked.
We OoOoO and awed over street performers and cgi.
We pointed at puppies. Oh and dogs too. We napped in a haunted mansion and slept through pirate infested waters. We cooed over honey covered walls and a trip into the 100 acre wood. We my have even run over a gopher in our cart.
We laughed and clapped during a comedy routine and a musical.
We cursed that one of us wasn't tall enough to ride with Stitch.
And while Jake and I did all this, I'm sure Valerie must have had a good time too. At the end of the day we were all tired and headed back to Sarasota to say GoodBye.
Now I am getting ready to return to reality. A 6 hour drive back to my family and my business. Hopefully the thoughts of why I ran to start with stay away for a few days anyway. It would be too much to ask that they stay away forever...

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Would Pick Up The Check But I Am Broke

A battle of epic proportions is brewing and no I am not referring to Scotty's victory over Lauren.
The state of Michigan is beginning legislation to attack the poor.
See, apparently the state of Michigan doesn't like the idea of allowing every eligible person to collect food stamps. They have chosen one victim in particular as a martyr. Senator John Moolenaar has made it his crusade to keep Mr Leroy Fick from receiving government assistance.
When asked why he was denying Mr Fick, Senator Moolenaar responded "This is unacceptable".
Feeling a need to understand why a US Senator would want to harass a 59 year old man, I began to investigate the circumstances surrounding this peculiar case.
Leroy Fick is a poor man. Living in a a newly purchased home and driving a 2008 Audi, Leroy struggles to survive on his less than $5,000 a year earnings. Sure the Audi is a convertible, but you have to have some simple pleasures in life, right?
See, all of Leroys problems started when he played Make Me Rich, a lottery game. A game that Mr Fick won. A game that gave him $2 million.
I know what you're saying, if he won $2 million why does he need government assistence? Because Leroy took a lump sum payment which only gave him $850,000. How can the state of Michigan expect anyone that close to retirement to be able to survive on that small amount of money?
According to Federal guidelines, Mr Fick is eligible for food stamps. See, lottery wins don't count as income. Because they can't take assets into consideration, the state can't deny Mr Fick what is rightfully his.
The Senator is working to change this law and ensure that people like Mr Fick can no longer receive help from government programs. I think this is a travesty. Sure, it costs the taxpayers millions. But I would be hard pressed to make it on such a paltry sum.
So keep up your good fight Mr Fick. I salute you!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

We Have Stirred Up Quite The Storm By Not Letting Anyone Know Our Kids Gender

Kathy Witterick and David Stocker have recently had a new baby boy/girl. He/she is a very healthy boy/girl. They are accepting clothing that is appropriate for a boy/girl as well as gifts to mark this exciting occassion.
See readers, apparently Kathy and Davie boy don't like the idea of their son/daughter growing up knowing whether or not he/she is a boy or a girl. Instead of confusing the child in its youth by assigning stereo-typical gender roles, they would rather they child grow into a confused adult ostracized by society that plots to kill them. Anyone watch the movie Psycho?
Pulling the media stunt of the year, these two "role model" parents are defying conventions and not even telling their parents the childs gender. Because its healthier this way. As I just mentioned, Norman Bates mother felt the exact same way and who am I to disagree. After all he did get a movie deal.
Not that I am comparing Kathy to Norman Bates mother, but I really am. Isn't it bad enough that children are confused by the media and pop culture without parents adding to their problems? I mean, Emo anyone?
At best, Kathy and Dave can expect that their child, whom they named Storm, to grow up sexually confused and that could mean experimenting sexually with men, women, robots, or barnyard animals. Which, I don't judge, but with the rampant diseases out there, is that healthy?
Growing up in this "Look at me" society is hard enough without adding one more stress on top of it all.
Maybe the child was born with both genders? That can happen right? And this little media stunt is in reality the parents way of protecting their little mutant. Mutant...hmm now there is a thought...We can't even be sure its human as I believe the parents killed all living witnesses. It may even eat from a bowl like Fido for all we know.
But let's assume it is human...
It can't be all bad right? There has to be something positive to come out of doing this blatant attempt by the parents to get the attention they were denied as children by using their own children to get the attention. The only example I can think of what sexual ambiguity can become is to look at Lady Gaga. He/she is awesome.
Oh it should be noted that Kathy is the father and David is the mother. They exchanged names in their wedding vows instead of rings.
So to Mr and Mrs Kathy Witterick, I say congratulations on your new son/daughter/it. Maybe one day, after Little Storm is all grown up and moved away, he/she will start talking to you again. I doubt that but hey to the future!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

This Went Off Without A Hitch

I have always had a knack for understanding people. Call it empathy, intuition, or the result of watching people through years of social awkwardness, I am really good at knowing why your neighbor doesn't date and has 40 cats. (Its because she's crazy).
So, it isn't surprising that a large number of people come to me for advice. However, it must be mentioned that, I would never come to me for advice. The mere fact that if you read this blog should tell you that. Yet, without fail, almost everyday some guy or gal will get my number off of Facebook and text me or call saying "I don't know what to do." After a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers, I then begin to tell them what it is exactly they should be doing.
This is where it gets interesting, because most of these people want relationship advice. And anyone that knows my track record with dating/marriage, will know that I know nothing about maintaining a relationship much longer than it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
Yet, strangely enough, this seems to only be when it is related to my love life. For some odd reason, the advice I give works.
I told one guy that he should take his date (whom is afraid of heights) on a hot air balloon ride. She got scared and almost fell out and he saved her life. They have been married 3 years now. Another, I told her to just speak her mind to her man. After telling him off and making him almost cry they had the most amazing make-up sex and they have been happy ever since.
Just this weekend, I finished a set up straight out of the movies. It's no wonder that my friend Ian says the movie Hitch is based on me. I took two almost strangers from different parts of the country and connected them through a series of coincidences and thoughtful planning. I literally reshaped the world for them. They hit it off as I knew they would. And now both are wanting more.
Which brings me to my next point of contention. Apparantly I know what you need more than you do. So, I think it is in the worlds interest to just listen and do as I say. I should be the Monarch of the Planet Earth. For instance, if I suggest that you step out in front of a bus, its not just because I want you to get run over. Maybe, I am trying to set you up with the driver! Or a paramedic or a doctor at the hospital.
The fact is you can never truly understand the methods to my madness, so just trust me. After all, I have always been a humanist!
So forget Match.com and E-harmony elitists. I will have you jumping hoops and crawling through holes! I will make you curse the day you met me! And when I am done, I will have given you the love of your life.
What can I say other than...Its a special kind of magic.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Walls Of My Heart Are Solidly Built

It's funny how you can look at someone your whole life and then in one moment everything changes. You go from being the best of friends to something much more. I always believed that when that happens, it has the best chance at forever. Because who doesn't want to be with their best friend.
After all, it's what I want.
The problem is that we often let our experiences with other people ruin any potential experiences we may have in the future. I've done it. You've done it. Everyone has.
So, how do you leave the ghosts where they belong...in the grave.
1st, you have to care enough about the person you are with to know they won't hurt you. If they would hurt, they wouldn't most likely have been your friend to begin with. Because the first and most important rule of love is sacrifice. Giving up your own wants, fears and desires to make someone else happy. We can do it for our children easy enough, but when it comes to our mates, we draw lines in the sand.
2nd, you have to be willing to take a chance. The fact is once you cross that line, there is no going back. It's naive to think you can go from friends to lovers to back to friends again. I wish it were possible, but I realize it really isn't. Which makes it sadder if the 1st part isn't there. Because then you have not only lost a lover, but a dear friend.
3rd, you can't over react. This one is a little tougher. Because you want to see the bad in everyone, because that is easier. After all, if she does something that your ex did then she must be planning to hurt you. But that isn't true necessarily. Each person is an individual. And each must be judged to their own merit. Sure you can be hesitant but again, if they are your friend first then you already know they won't hurt you.
4th, pride has to go. We are sometimes stupidly stubborn and hold onto grudges that have no place in the real world. We build walls to keep us safe. These defense mechanisms both help and hinder you. Sure keep them up with strangers, but you can't treat someone you have been friends with that way. Especially if they have been friends with you for a long time.
I struggle with each of these. I have abandonment issues. And I can't seem to make a relationship last longer than a mentos. So maybe, I don't deserve anything more than what I have been given.
But settling for less than the best I could have, has never been my style. My best male friend just lost his best female friend of 23 years because of this situation. Because she got scared and ran and left him standing in the ashes.
I'm praying that this time will be different. That for once, I won't be left out in the cold.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I Honestly See The Predicament I Created

Honesty. It's a trait that we all want in our friends, family, co-workers and especially in our mates. but there in lies the potential problem. Alot of the times, we don't really want the truth. Or, as in my case, we tend to only say the important parts of it and leave out the parts that we feel are insignificant.
So, then the question becomes, how honest should you be with someone? We are all guilty of little white lies. No, we don't mind you calling so late. No, that dress doesn't make you look fat. I love that eyeshadow you are wearing. These are intended to not hurt the feelings of people we love. They are told because the fact is they are such minor things that they really don't impact our lives at all.
Lies of omission can sometimes be intentional or unintentional. This is the lesson I am learning in reflection at this very second. See, when we tell someone the truth and leave out parts that we don't feel are important or to keep us from getting in trouble or to not hurt someone. Those are lies of omission. We sometimes do this without even realizing it and it takes a splash of cold water to the face to let us know. The nature of the dishonesty often determines the outcome, but sometimes the intentions behind it are irrelevant.
They say the path to hell is paved with good intentions and it seems that is true.
So...let's say you do something to have your integrity questioned...how do you recover from that?
Sometimes, I'm not sure if you can and in some cases I'm not sure if you deserve it. The best you can do is admit your failings. And hope for the best. Your reasoning doesn't matter. It's the person that you've wronged that has final say.
I made a mistake, and without realizing it, became less than honest. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

By The Power Of Bats And Lanterns Light I Proclaim My Team Is Better Than Yours, Because It Is Mine

Fanboyism. I wish I could take credit for this word like I did when I created Valemercialism. But the word fanboyism already exists. Its defined as an attitude of supreme arrogance related to a specific idea, concept, platform or lifestyle.
The reason I'm defining this word today is because I have seen it manifested in many ways. Its the urge that overtakes a person to rapidly defend a video game, a sports team, a novel, or a movie. In many ways these urges defy reason. No, Harry Potter wouldn't make a good President. Because he's not real. And Superman can't renounce citizenship to a country he doesn't exist in. And the Xbox 360 isn't better than the PS3 because they have almost the same games on both.
Yet, people will fight and argue and name call over what they feel is true to these characters or their beliefs. I think they should just get a girlfriend. But wait, what about those that have girlfriends? What's their excuse? Well, they are called sports fans.
See, fanboys are a type of geek that dresses up like their favorite superhero, video game character or sports team. Except on Halloween, I've never understood the urge to paint myself to look like the Minnesota Vikings, drink beer, and sit half naked in the snow screaming about how much more awesome I am as a fan because I look stupid.
This goes for movie premieres too. I counted three guys at the Thor premiere wearing viking helmets and carrying plastic hammers. At least be authentic and buy a real war hammer. Or better yet, don't wear armor. It looks as ridiculous as having a mime in the operating room. Or how many ugly Hermione's did you see at the last Harry Potter? Listen ladies, if you don't look exactly like the character, don't dress up like the character. Wearing robes and carrying a twig or a broom doesn't qualify you as a witch. It may qualify you as the cat lady though...
But fanboyism isn't always a bad thing. Like when beautiful women dress up as japanese anime characters with names I can't pronounce. Or when they try and look like Lara Croft from Tomb Raider or they dress up as Playboy Bunnies, just because.
In fact I think it is safe to say that beautiful women are allowed to dress up anyway they want anytime they want. Men on the other hand, if you aren't built like a superhero...don't wear spandex. I'd like to keep my lunch thanks.
Really the only places that are acceptable for costumed role playing are comic conventions, E3, Halloween, and that party you have with that creepy neighbor who wants you to find change in his pocket.
Sure I may run around in my Green Lantern under roos but at least only one person has to see me in them. And after she does, she probably wouldn't want to again.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Best Bachelor Parties To Ensure You Stay Single

I have been to alot of bachelor parties. And a few of them have been my own. In anticipation of the Hangover, I now give you the guide to having the best bachelor parties that should never be spoken of again. Remember the whole point of a bachelor party is to embarrass the groom. You are supposed to make him question whether or not he should get married the next day. Sure, some of you women may be angry about that statement, but honestly, would you want to marry a man that isn't totaled dedicated to you? And after the night I have planned, you will know 100%.
Step 1. Planning. See, most people will tell you to ask the groom what he wants, but frankly that is b/s. The fact is that now that he is getting married, he only wants what she wants and will discuss any plans you make with the future wife. So the best plan is to lie about your activities and surprise him along the way. Tell him, so he tells her, that you are golfing followed by dinner and drinks at Cypress. They don't need to know all the details of that show you booked starring Mandy the Midget and her close friend Brutus the Donkey. He will pretend to be embarrassed but secretly he will watch with all the fascination of a train wreck.
Step 2. No Bars/Clubs. This may sound like heresy but lets face it, you go to these places without a reason, so why go here for a special occasion. I suggest renting a boat and filling it with every beautiful woman from the beach you can find. This way, you have a great time and the groom sees what he is giving up. The nicer the boat, the better the passengers. But alcohol is a must! He will not do any of the crazy things you have planned without some liquid courage. Basically, no tequila = no doing jello shots off the waitress at Denny's at 2AM.
Step 3. Criminal Mischief. If he doesn't go to jail, you didn't do it right. He should be stealing a car, burning down an apartment building or smoking crack with Narcotics officers. The best bachelor parties always involve breaking the law in some way. This doesn't mean removing the tag off of your mattress that says "Do Not Remove." Offer him some weed, then leave the room and call the cops. Hilarity ensues! I should state that you should get the money for bail from him before calling the cops. This scenario can be made funnier by telling him something happened to the bride and he needs to rush to the hospital...this ensures it makes an episode of COPS, especially if you tell him beforehand he will have a police escort to let him get there as fast as possible! He will never ask why the blue lights are following him, instead of leading him!
Step 4. Prostitutes and Strip Clubs. The only exception to the no clubs rule. This is because you can find the cleanest, though not cheapest prostitutes here. If he really loves her, he won't be tempted at all by the idea of one night of carnal bliss with a girl that he had to pay for. Offer the girls to take the groom to the champagne room and see if he can be faithful. Besides, explaining away the stripper smell and hickeys will ensure that you have great conversations when having breakfast with the brides dad the next morning.
Step 5. Blackmail. This is the most important part. Film the whole night. This way you can use this information to ensure that you can never be blackmailed. Or if the bride is hot and he failed her trust, you can use it to take his place. Make sure the camera always catches you in the best light. Say things right before starting the film like "Yeah, this girl is gonna teach you what flexible is!" Then turn on the camera and say "Man, Im not sure this is cool."
I should add the disclaimer that I believe completely in the sanctity of marriage and that under no circumstance should you actually go through with any of the things that I listed above.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Surviving A Break Up In 5 Simple Steps

It is often said that life is dealt with in stages. So today I return to my how to series with a guide to dealing with a break up.
The first stage to dealing with a break up is Denial. No, it's not just an extremely polluted river in a foreign nation made famous for alien made structures. Denial is basically the marijuana of grief stages. It's your gateway grief response. Denial makes you think that everything will work back out and that he/she will call and realize that breaking up is all a big mistake. It paints the break-up as not being as significant as it really is. This form of denial is not to be confused with the denial you feel at a paternity suit. It is, however, the part of you that wishes to remain ignorant of the fact that while you were at work, your girlfriend was ridden more times than a carousel. We deny that the relationship is ending. We deny our significant other is a whore. We deny that she probably was paid for some of the acts that she performed because she would never perform them with us. Eventually, we can no longer deny that we were blind and we get slapped in the face...which leads to the next stage...
Anger. It should be noted that we do not always reflect our anger to the appropriate people...namely the ones that broke our heart. We tend to aim our anger at any that come into contact with us. Telling those Mormons that knocked on your door to talk about Jesus, that they can shove their holy book up certain orifices is uncalled for. Unless it is before 9 am, at which point you are justified. Anger makes us bitter to the world and to the ones that care about us the most. Sure, she may be a nosy neighbor that needs to mind her own damn business, but she's still your mom. Alot of people try and hide from their anger and this causes them to become ticking time bombs. I feel sorry for the next stray animal to crap on that guys yard...but sooner than later the next stage is entered...
Bargaining. In the words of the great poet Jewel "We bargain with the devil that he won't carry forth today." See, this is the stage where we sacrifice our pride and promise to become whatever our partner wants us to be to keep her around. We will change this or be more tolerant of that. For example, we could change the fact that we are not okay with an open relationship like she wants and that we will become more tolerant of her bringing random men or in some cases women home while we are at work. And sure that may work for a little while, but you will often progress back to anger if you stay there too long. Which is why that in some cases the 3rd stage is flip flopped with the 2nd. But regardless...you eventually succumb to stage 4.
Prostitutes and strip clubs...oh wait this is tomorrows blog on the 5 stages to a great bachelor party...stage 4 of a break up is...Depression. This is the stage where men become whiny, poetic drunks and women get fat because of the use of comfort food. Men cry and complain that she should have loved me or given me another chance. And women don't understand why the hotter, thinner and not as naggy blonde is more his type. Some of us become substance abusers and others get filled with melancholy. But the feelings are pretty universal. We can't imagine ever being happy again. We don't know why we broke up since everything was so good. Nostalgia makes you forget their bad traits and romanticize their good ones. But it wasn't good...which is why you broke up. This stage can last a lifetime unless you pick yourself up and enter the last stage...
Acceptance. Eventually, you come to understand that the guy wasn't your perfect match. That she wasn't deserving of your affections. You learn that someone else could make you happy. You no longer wish that person could love and accept you. You stop sleeping around and focus on the people that actually care...if you have any of those left. It must be said that depressed people tend to run off alot of the people that care about them as do angry people. And those that would care may also be turned off by your whoring around. But hopefully, unlike me, you will have one or two people standing beside you. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

99 Problems And The Judge Gave You Another

In this society everything is casual, i.e. sex, dining, manners. But there are times when things shouldn't be casual. Like when you go to court. See folks, yesterday I had to go be a witness for a civil dispute. And since, like Barbie, I enjoy playing dress up. I went decked out in a nice suit and tie combo. After being told by an attorney that I came better dressed, my ego was on cruise control.
That was until the very large African American gentleman came in for a restraining order case wearing a t shirt that said "I Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain't One".
Now, I like Jay Z as much as the next guy and that song is awesome. But if the reason you are in court is a woman, maybe you should reconsider wearing it. That would be like an accused pedophile showing up wearing a shirt that read Local Elementary School Volunteer. Or an accused murderer wearing a shirt that says "They had it coming".
What part of getting dressed in that outfit seemed like a good idea?
I mean first off, who goes to court in a t shirt and blue jeans anyway? Especially in the south. The Judges here will put you under the jail. So the guy gets in front of the Judge who reads his shirt and says "99 problems huh? Looks like you made it to the full 100."
For those that don't know, if a judge makes jokes about how you are dressed...you are f***ed. You may as well have shown up dressed as a mime. You would have stood a better chance of leniency. Wearing a chicken suit and humming while the judge talked would have gone over better.
I would have shown up dressed as a nudist before wearing that outfit to court for an abuse charge. I think if he had shown up with a baseball bat and pictures of him beating his ex he would have been treated better by the judge.
But at this point he may  have been right he may have 99 problems and a bitch ain't one, but being a bitch to a hardened prisoner...well that he may have...Of course that would jump his problems to about 105. Maybe he has never watched a courtroom drama. But he has to have seen the People's Court or Judge Judy right? If they won't let you look like that on fake court, why would he think he could dress like that for the real deal.
I would have plead insanity. I would been "Your Honor, as you can tell by the way I am dressed. I do not make the best decisions and i apologize because I am stupid."
Maybe the guy thought, "Hey, its a guy Judge right, he will think I am funny and it is all good." But no Judge will ever think that's funny unless the only thing they judge is pie eating contests. And even that is debatable.
So for those that need to know what proper dress code is for a session in court see the picture below.

And if you aren't going to a club, a party or a BDSM event, leave the colorful t shirts in your closet...Unless you want to share one with a guy named Miguel who will make sure you get cuddle time every night.

Monday, May 2, 2011

In The Name of The Father, The Son And The Whopper

Folks, I don't normally knock people for their religious beliefs, except those people that believe if you handle poisonous snakes and they don't bite you, then God must love them. Those guys are out of their damn minds. But, I tend to let people believe what they want. You wanna believe a comet is coming towards us that will carry all the righteous dead into heaven? Drink the Kool-Aid and go for it. You think that Elvis talks to you, who am I to judge. But what follows...
Well...
I'm all for having a good time at a religious experience. That's why I was so excited to be a part what I will refer to as the "Social Network" church. Following Facebooks lead, this church encourages networking.
Halfway through the service, the pastor who is about 14, announces that it's time for milk and cookies and we should all go and get some and hang out and mingle and make new friends.
Wait, what? After singing four really long and almost identical songs, we now take a 15 minute recess to go get coffee, cookies, tattoos, maybe a piercing, grocery shop, hit the gym and most importantly socialize with the people you feel are attractive...which may be why no one stopped to greet me. Although one homeless guy did hit on a cute little blonde three rows over!
It was like being in church at a Starbucks. Ok, today we are gonna talk about Jesus, but first lets get a Frap and a piece of pound cake, update our Facebook and laugh about how stupid Andy looked when he fell while he was tripping on shrooms.
So then the preacher came back inside from getting his hot dog and whiskey shot. And he started talking about Jesus and I was like "maybe I just imagined the whole let's take a break and get stoned". But then he says "The are so many to get off crack." It was then I noticed half the parishioners looked like it was their first day out of rehab. Well, at least the homeless guy makes sense now. At which point I sort of tune him out as I ponder all the ways to get off of crack. And then I start to wonder, has he tried them all? Which ways are more effective than others?
It wasn't until he mentioned the great places you can go if your good that I tuned back in. "One of the great places you can go if you are good is McDonalds." Now...he couldn't have said that. But then he says, "Let me re-emphasize what I just said. ONE of the GREAT places you can go if you are GOOD is McDonalds!"
You are right Mr Preacher man...Nothing stays with you eternally like the calorie overload that is the Big Mac. And since we also worship the 6 piece nugget, this place truly is a Mecca for Christians.
We ended the service by inviting the ones we liked most to support our causes and to click on our farms.
I guess in the beginning God said "Let there be Likes".