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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I'm Pretty Sure I Can't Bend That Way

Yoga. As we approach September - national yoga month - I am reminded that I am not as flexible as I could be and that I am grateful for that fact. After all, wasn't yoga invented by a contortionist with a lisp that was practicing to go on stage while enjoying a Dannon smoothie and when asked what she was doing she simply tried to say "Yogurt" but it came out "Yoga?"
An acquaintance of mine, Robin Givens - yes that Robin Givens - used to lecture me endlessly about the benefits of practicing yoga. She normally did this after leaving the gym and was still wearing her gym apparel..which made it hard to focus on anything that she said without imagining her actually doing it. Which made me realize the only interest I would ever have in yoga is one of voyeurism. Just give me a lawn chair and video camera and that is the gift that keeps on giving.
I mean, ladies, while I appreciate the fact that you can bend and twist in those really fun to watch positions...I personally would rather lay on the couch. I mean I have seen pictures of people practicing yoga and people falling over drunk and some of them could go either way.
This isn't to say I dismiss the benefits or the skill required to perform many of the movements. I just am lazy.
Honestly for an exercise that doesn't require running, yoga looks exhausting! I can barely sit still much less hold an awkward position for several minutes or longer. Any woman that can properly hold these poses kinda scare me actually, I am pretty sure they could kick my ass in a fight!
So, I decided to look into yoga myself...and I learned that I didn't even know how to spell the word or the first thing about it...
Then top it off with their being two types of yoga...hot and cold...I thought this was an analogy to relationships, so I was surprised to learn it refers to the style of workout each offer.
Apparently, hot yoga doesn't refer to the kinds of girls that will be in the class...I was mildly disappointed, and I wanted to claim that false advertising had lured me in. But, I decided to stick it out and show these women and that one other guy just how easy this really was.
I learned this wasn't as easy as I thought it was.
I also forgot to bring a towel so after a few minutes I was slipping on my own sweat on the mat. After face planting twice, I decided the only heat I wanted was the sauna...I dejectedly took my mat and left to the sound of laughter as I made my way to the showers.
Cold yoga was basically the same thing, just they had the air conditioner on and set to 45 degrees Fahrenheit.
My instructor told me that the main difference between the two is that hot yoga is rigid and cold yoga promotes being in touch with your body...and after doing both, I can agree that I am mindful of how stiff my body is...
So, ladies...my hats off to you...I would bow, but I don't think I would be able to stand back up.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Oh I Am So Sorry I Snaked Your Camera Earlier

I've heard of shoving sausages and socks in your pants to make your junk look bigger, but Eric Fiegel of Phoenix, Arizona has shown that some people weren't thinking big enough. Eric entered an Arizona pet store and proceeded to take several albino boa constrictors and shove them down his pants. I guess that he thought women would be impressed with how his penis writhed and wriggled without any obvious stimulation. Fiegel was later arrested because he didn't bother to pay for the snakes before he left the pet store and he waved at the camera as he shoved the boas in his underwear. He then went to another pet store and sold some of the stolen snakes for $175 and a large reptile tank.
A newlywed couple is  behind bars after being caught on tape shoplifting the food they provided at their reception. Arthur Philips III, aged 32, and Brittany Lurch, aged 22, were seen on video filling up a shopping cart and exiting the store without paying. I can't really blame them as it costs almost as much to get married these days as it does to get divorced. I mean why pay caterers when you can just pilfer everyones dinner?
In other news to make your skin crawl, a football player from Gravette, Arkansas, found a large snake in his helmet...while he was playing football. Darrick Strzelecki claims he "felt something odd in his helmet while playing." After half time, he sta down and removed his helmet and found the rather large king snake. Witnesses say that the had never watched a football player move like a cheerleader nor sound like one before this happened. The coaches thought his increased speed may have been drug related until the met the slithery tag along. Rules do not forbid a player from taking part in a sporting event while keeping reptiles in their helmets.
In news that doesn't involve snakes or cameras, a woman has gained 210 pounds in the last five years to bring her total weight to 490 lbs...and what was the cause of this massive weight gain? Junk food gives her orgasms...I don't really have a joke for this, just thought it was interesting. I mean it would make life simpler if I could have orgasms without women or porn being involved, so I say rock on Gabi Jones of Colorado.

Friday, August 26, 2011

I Have No Skeletons In My Closet Only A Bone Or Two

Sometimes in our youth we experiment and try different things. Then we try and distance ourselves from those things if they could have a negative impact on our lives. But guys, if you don't want anyone to figure out your dark little secrets don't link your adult friend finder account to the same e-mail you use for facebook or a Christian Singles Website.
Being the cynic that I am, I can usually find something wrong with anyone. So when a friend of mine dared me to find some dirt on her perfect guy she met on http://www.christianmingle.com I took it as a challenge accepted.
Mr. Perfect came off as an active duty air force serviceman and a family man, who was willing to relocate to be with the woman of his dreams. That to me yelled red flags, because...as far as I could remember the Air Force doesn't let its soldiers up and move to where ever they want, whenever they want!
Mr. Perfect was also a God-fearing Christian. Therefore, I knew from the start that he may very well end up being as perfect as my friend thought he was.
I began a basic web search of his screen name which I won't mention here, but we will call him "Cynteck". Right away I got several hundred hits. Turns out our friend, Mr Perfect has a love for the World of Warcraft. I knew I was on the right track when I found a photo bucket site that had pictures of Mr. Perfect and various half dressed women all over it. It was like a soft core porn site.
Not troubled in the least I continued to search through hundreds of pages, determined to find that it was all a misunderstanding.  After all, most of what I found was links to fantasy debate sites - you know the ones that let you argue over whether Princess Zelda is hotter than that elf chick in Lord of the Rings!
But then...tragedy struck...
Mr Perfect had some dark secrets....dark secrets in the form of Adultfriendfinder.com and SexyCostaRicansNeedHotSex.orgy. It seems that he had an extensive history with every casual sex web site on the internet. Maybe that is where the hot scantily clad womens pictures came from that he had on that photobucket site!
But this could still be a misunderstanding, right? I thought about it for a minute and decided the only way to find out if Mr Perfect was being framed was to create my own adult friend finder account. I said my name was Nancy and that I was from Ohio. I messaged "Cynteck" and told him I would like to meet and he immediately responded...by sending me a picture of his penis.
It was then I realized that not only was Mr Perfect not framed...but he was also gay...as I never listed Nancy's gender as female.
This made me decide to search through the LGBT singles sites and sure enough...Mr Perfect was there too. It seems "Cynteck" really got around...I found him on bestiality sites...on midget porn and most disturbingly on the Build-a-bear website.
The moral of the story is if you are a closet freak that will try anything with anyone, but you want an honest woman at home...don't use the same screen names and passwords...

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Best Girls Can Be Rented On 10th Street

Readers a brand new study performed by the nonprofit group Prostitution Research & Education shows conclusively that men that rent women for sexual favors commit more crimes. This scientific research was headed up by Melissa Farley a clinical psychologist -- who also happens to be an anti-prostitution activist. I think that she grew up to be that way because of her dad Chris being found dead from an overdose with all those hookers.
But it turns out that Melissa had some pretty hard evidence to back up her claims...In interviews of 202 men in Boston, the men who had used a prostitute were more willing overall to divulge criminal histories than the ones that said they had not ever used a prostitute.
After all, if a man had a clean criminal history then he would surely spill the details to a stranger about the crimes he had not been caught for, right? I know I go up to every random person I meet and say things like, "I stole a car last week and went joy riding but returned it before the owners knew it was missing!" or "I use a dealer on 5th street."
Also knowing the people that funded this research, I am positive it was a completely non-biased affair. After all, she just interviewed men that were in prison and men that worked as bankers - who probably should have been in prison.
Besides, is it really a surprise that those with dubious morals and ethics would be okay with paying a woman for sex?
Ms. Farley believes that prostitution demeans women and takes away from their self worth...but most women I have met use sex as a way to get what she wants from the men in her life!
And it's not like all men aren't guilty of some form of prostitution anyways... I mean, if you take a girl out to dinner and a movie and then you pay for everything and afterwards she has sex with you...didn't you just technically pay for it? Isn't bartering for sex what Valemercialism Day is all about?
I say just legalize it. After all, it is the oldest profession. If it were legalized, think of all the other industries that could...ahem...grow with it. You could open an Adult Fun Store right next to Sally's House of Carnal Bliss! Forget just having condom dispensers in bathrooms, you could open a store that sells 31 flavors and varieties!
Video rental equipment could also make a come back! Everyone knows when you have a threesome with a girl that looks like she was smacked with a hammer and a midget that you will want a DVD to remember it by!
Want to know another industry that could make a comeback? Jesus! Opening a brothel or two in every town would surely rally the religious! They could help revive the paper industry by printing leaflets to warn visitors to the brothel exactly what will happen to that person in hell!
If you plan to make it a family vacation, the brothels could set up day-cares! Imagine getting a clown to make you an inflatable condom-poodle!
Doctors could open new walk-in clinics next door to test people for STD's and unwanted pregnancies!
Alcohol and Tobacco Industries could also see a growth spurt since it takes a lot of alcohol to make someone want to have sex with a random stranger for money!
Advertising firms could also make a return to prominence as the different brothels could advertise their specials for that week on television with commercials like "Free Doggy with the purchase of Reverse Cowgirl - bullwhip not included!"
So Ms. Farley instead of fighting the only secure career in this failing job market, isn't it your obligation to encourage its prosperity? After all...no one likes a flaccid economy...

Monday, August 22, 2011

Oh Dear Lord I Ate A Bad Date

Dating. Is there any other word that inspires such revulsion and revile?
The fact is that dating typically sucks. The reasons for this are many and varied, but I like to think in my case it boils down to one simple fact...she isn't as awesome as I am.
So, when a date is going badly, but I would like for it to improve, I begin to follow the following steps to bring the fun back into the suck-fest. These are my ways of improving a date.
First, if all she is talking about are her nails and makeup then you must understand she is doing this because she has no real personality. After all, you only went out with her because she was hot. But, typically, hot equates boring as shit. This is because beautiful people spend so much time maintaining their outward veneer, their brains solely focused on all things visually appealing, that they mass deleted anything not to do with fashion or acne relief from their brains.
If she is this vacuous, then there is only one reason you asked her out to begin with. And, if that is the only reason, and she agreed to go out with you...then you probably don't need any of my advice.
Ladies, I'll be honest, if we go out and all you talk about is the color eye shadow you are wearing and how long it took for you to decide how it better complimented your shoes...you will be taking a cab home from the restaurant. If this is the direction we are going, I will try and change things up...I will ask you if anyone ever told you that a blow up doll has more personality than you do and I just want to shove a knife in my ear so I don't have to listen to you anymore! This always fires the girl up and we usually start talking about things that matter...like who will be on top.
Sometimes, you go on a date with the opposite type of girl. Now personally, I like this category. Especially if she and I have chemistry. But I understand that there are a lot of guys out there that have no clue how to keep up with a conversation with a girl that is smart, witty and funny. So at this point you really only have a few options if you wish to keep seeing this girl. First, find out her favorite subject and avoid it if you know nothing about it! Maybe pick a book up on it to kinda have a inside look into her mind, but she will know if you really know your material or if you are trying to make yourself sound smarter than you are. Instead, if that topic comes up, admit your ignorance. Tell her you are genuinely interested in her thoughts and ideas and then do the impossible...pay attention because there is a quiz later!
If it is possible to avoid the topic that so inspires her, instead talk about something that she is slightly interested in but hasn't earned a doctorate for. These "middle ground conversations" are something even you can keep up with. You should also not be intimidated by how much smarter than you she is. This can totally work in your favor, as she already knew she was way smarter than you when she agreed to go out with you! The fact that she went out with you to begin with borders on morbid curiosity to having a soft spot for big dumb animals. In fact, you should probably remain in awe of her the whole evening. Show her that you respect her intelligence and you will get a second and most likely a third date.
But the average girl...is somewhere in between these two examples. This girl most likely doesn't feel as pretty as the head cheerleader type, nor as smart as the geeky girl type. To get the most out of this date, you have to remind her she is worthwhile. She probably thinks you only asked her out as some kind of prank or because she doesn't think she can do any better -note if you really are beneath her, then you better thank Jesus someone agreed to date you and make this woman a queen! Balance the conversation between honest flattery and mentally stimulating conversation. Show an interest in her that is both sexually motivated and intellectually stimulating and she will go out out with you again!
Lastly, the rarest type of girl of all...The hot, SeXy Nerdy Chick...Let me say that this girl is out of every mans league. If she decides to go out with you, you should thank whatever God you believe in and then proceed to have the most fun date of your life. This girl will most likely think you are the dull uninteresting one and will be using steps similar to the ones I've suggested to make you comfortable and at ease. In all the other examples, you take the role of hunter but with this girl you are markedly prey and she knows it. As a matter of fact there are only a few reasons why she would lower herself to date you...like maybe she felt sorry for you. If this is the case then just go out and have fun...this means she already likes your personality! Another option is that you hurt a friend of hers and she wants to humiliate you completely...if this turns out to be the case just accept the punishment gracefully..who knows if you show enough humility maybe she will then feel sorry for you and take you out again. Another option is that she was bored and looking to date someone she isn't compatible with at all. If this is the case, all you can do is be yourself and try have a good time, because you most likely won't get a second date.
As a matter of fact it should be stated that in all cases, you should be yourself. If you aren't a jet-setting neuro brain surgeon then don't pretend you are! She will know the truth when you take her home in your pinto to your moms basement!
Hopefully these tips will help you land the woman of your dreams.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Some Things May Make Me Go Nuclear

I love my microwave oven. This magical device can turn a frozen piece of meat into a delectable gourmet dinner. So that's why last week I decided to find out what other uses this marvelous machine could be used for.
The first thing I found was that a microwave can help dry hair. I was dog-sitting my friends chihuahua and decided to give it a bath. Unfortunately, I didn't have any towels, and that is when I saw the microwave oven! Now I know what your thinking, why didn't I just toss it in the dryer? But the last time I did that I was cleaning dog vomit out for a month...The dog was probably dry in 8 secs...however I set the timer for 2 minutes...and at that point poor Dynamite lived up to her names potential. So, this taught me that if I wanted to use it as a blow dryer, I just needed to dial back the amount of time!
Also, a microwave can be used as a quicker way to self tan. After learning the proper time a small animal can be left in one with resulting in a mess to clean up, I noticed that a side effect was a shiny dark tan that bordered on 3rd degree burns! So imagine a full size one that you can step into get crispified and then go to the gym looking fabulous -sure there is a chance of getting skin cancer, but let's face it if you use tanning beds you will probably get it anyway.
A microwave can be used as a substitute for a clothes line or a dryer if either of those things are broken. Just make sure that you don't place anything made of metal in one as that could make the microwave explode.
The microwave is also a good place to store things you think are valuable! How many thieves looking for your jewelry will check there!
Microwaves are fun to throw at traffic while standing on an overpass! Just take one up and toss it over the side and watch and giggle at the chaos that ensues!
Microwaves can help get back at past lovers. Take any cutesy or sentimental items of theirs and toss it and let bake for 8 mins.
Microwaves can be used as stepping stools. Can't reach the top shelf? Stand on the top of your microwave and you will have easy access!
When combined with a PS3, an Xbox, and a few Wii controllers, a microwave can be converted to a missile control device. Take one of these around the silos in Nebraska and OoOoOo and ahhhh over the fireworks.
Older microwaves can be used to help build muscle. That's because they weighed a ton! Start bench pressing these babies and you will be buff in no time.
Microwaves can be temporarily used as a silver smelter. By temporarily, I mean used only once. That's because after it melts the silver it will likely catch fire and explode.
Microwaves can replace people as dates. Just duct tape one onto a mannequins body and then dress it and take it out on the town. People will be really impressed. After all, 'she' cooks for you and never complains...Just be sure not to let the stove know -she may get jealous after all she tends to clean up after herself.
When combined with a melee weapon (like a bat, a golf club or an ax) microwaves make great stress relief. If it overcooked your burrito, just beat the shit out of it!
Microwaving can help you make counterfeit artwork! Paint an oil painting of the Mona Lisa then toss it in a microwave to dry. It will "age" the canvas to make it look like it is very old and dry the painting out quickly!
Babysitting little hellions? Show them a video of what happened to Dynamite after 2 minutes! Then tell them that is what you will do to them if they don't behave! Works much better than time-out!
Jesus allegedly amazed the ancient Jews by cooking fish in one in half the time it usually takes!
Microwaves don't make good Jacuzzi's though...sorry Rhonda, I hope that your husband regains his ability to speak after the near fatal electric shock he experienced after I tossed one in his bath...
*Authors note: The author takes no responsibility for any bad things that may occur from attempting any of the above suggestions. That being said, please video any of the bad things that will occur and post them to http://www.youtube.com

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

You Should Let Me Pay You To Sit Naked In A Tub Of Noodles And Jam

     Readers. Lately I have been looking to buy new furniture, and the first place I went was to Craig's List. I must admit that I found no furniture I was interested in, but I did find several other ads that caught my attention.
     The first ad that grabbed my eye was from a woman in Des Moines, Iowa. Her ad was under the title "Jogging Partner" and she wants someone to help her exercise by "giving her Rohypnol and strapping her body to theirs at least three times a week." Guys, just be sure you can provide the Roofies and don't tell her where you got it from...she doesn't want to know! I can't see anything that could go wrong with this idea!          After all, the kind of guys that keep Rohypnol around are some of the most respectable people in the world. I know I use the date rape drug on random women at least once a never. The ball gag and rope are optional and must also be provided by her rapist...I mean running partner.
     The next ad was from a guy in Inland Empire, California. He was looking for a man of Russian origin with a strong accent who is at least 40-years-old. All he wanted was for the Russian to go to a bar for 30 minutes and sit with him. For this, he will pay you $200. I'd also request a bulletproof vest for this meeting! And I'd probably carry a gun as I am sure that hanging with this guy would be quite hazardous to my health. I wonder if the real Russian Mafia would take offense to this guy pretending he was a part of it?
     If you happen to be a guy that likes watching Harry Potter naked with another guy, Craig's List has the listing for you! A guy is looking for a fellow nudist to come over to his house and watch movies naked. He doesn't care how old you are or about your size or anything...he just wants to hang out in a clothing free environment...I tried a similar ad looking for hot girls to come watch Titanic and got no responses...maybe putting a pic of me posing like the Coppertone baby was the mistake...
     For the science fiction lovers out there, a group of girl Trekkies are looking to start up a turtle farm and want to share their new found passion with native Klingon speakers. Only in Canada...Of course, if I had known that speaking a fictional language would allow me easier access to dock my star ship in a girls space port...maybe I would have paid more attention.
     For those seeking a job, a guy in the Chicago area wants to start his own Demon Hunting Business. He wants to go kill people - that are actually demons. Ironically his ex-wife and boss are on the list.
     Another ad out of Bozeman, Montana is looking for someone to help operate a "working time machine." He plans to travel back to 1983 and handle some business. I think he wants to buy stock in Yahoo!....
     Another guy posted a 70 page rant about the "jackass" that stole his camera. He told in absolute detail of how he would hurt/maim the person responsible if he ever finds out! The last sentence however, does show that he felt it was possible that someone took it to turn it in to the police station, but then adds to the end of it..."but this isn't the case so f*** you!" I think he handled that whole thing rather calmly...
     Speaking of rants, a young woman used a listing to tell her porn-addicted boyfriend that she doesn't appreciate him trying to give her ass to mouth...She is okay with everything else, however...I wonder if she is single now...
     If you are a practioner of ancient Jewish magics, you could get hired to create a Golem. The writer is quick to point out he doesn't want a Gullem (that weird creepy thing from Lord of the Rings) but instead he wants an animated statute to do all the chores around the house. Maybe, he also wants this Frankenstein's monster to stop angry mobs from trying to burn down his house.
     And lastly, if you live in the area of Boulder, Colorado, you can become the proud owner of Sea Monkeys. A woman is selling her blind sons beloved pets and replacing it with a dog. And since her new apartment has a no "Sea Monkey Clause" these aquatic mischief makers have to go.
     After reading these, I wonder if I could advertise myself on Craig's List....


Monday, August 15, 2011

How I Love Thee...Let Me Count The Ways

Ladies, its that time of year when the guy that talks to his bagel has decided that he wants to take you out to dinner or he will absolutely die from heart ache. But the fact is that while bagel guy may be a catch, there are many suitors out there that aren't.
So ladies, here is a list of things you can do to make yourself less appealing to your new stalker and possibly give him the hint.
1. Advertise the fact that you love having sex with someone else in front of the guy. Make sure to mention that your secret lover is hung like a small pony. Nothing deflates a mans ego faster than being reminded he isn't big enough to take this ride.
2. When dealing with an unwanted suitor, you may become the beneficiary of several unwanted gifts. The minute you receive one immediately do one of the following actions. The first would be to say "Wow this is just what (insert name here, i.e. Mike, Robbie, Uncle Luke, My Prison Penpal, My Baby Daddy) has been asking for! Thank you this will make them so happy that I will get lucky tonight!" Also after saying this, you should immediately turn from the stalker and get on your phone with someone explaining the gift you just got for them! By wanting to give away something that someone gave you without a seconds hesitation, you will show the person they mean nothing to you - this is further proven by immediately dismissing them and getting on your phone with the person you wish to give it too! The second option requires you to burst into tears and let the stalker know that the flowers they gave you were the ones you put on the casket at your Me-maw's wake. That Grandpa Joe had a serious heart attack and was lost to at a family gathering at Denny's. Or maybe, that card was the same one your ex gave you on the day that you discovered he was cheating on you.
This will make him appear thoughtless and cruel...and maybe make him rethink how well he believes he knows you.
3. Find a internet site that lets you buy blanks (ammunition that makes noise and smoke but won't kill someone) and a gun to fire them. Then ask a male friend to play along and meet you in a place that both you and your stalker frequent. Have your friend start harassing you in front of your stalker. He needs to act like an ex boyfriend trying to hook back up. Tell him to meet you in the secluded part of the parking lot. At this point show the gun in your purse to the stalker and tell him you will deal with "that asshole" the same way you have dealt with all your ex's. Make sure stalker boy sees you fire at and "hit" your ex-boyfriend. Turn and look at your suitor and tell him "I should have just done that the day I got tired of him, like I did all the others."  This should assure that he never wants anything to do with you again.
4. This one is for the guys. Guys, if you have a lady friend that can't take a hint and keeps following you around and wanting to have your babies and shes attractive...Give her my number.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

You Made Me Crawl Like A Rattlesnake Just To Taste Your Berries

Living in small towns typically means having nothing to do. Some of these towns create festivals and events in order to draw attention  away from how mediocre their lives actually are. Most of these events suck by the very fact that they even exist. I am lucky, though, that I live so close to three of the most amazing festivals in the world.
The first takes place in the town of Whigham, Georgia. Whigham is a metropolis with a population of about 14 people. This event is called "The Rattlesnake Rodeo" and it involves lots of alcohol, diesel fuel and thousands of venomous reptiles. This takes place in January and I was so excited to go be a part...after all there is nothing I love better than pouring gasoline down a hole to be used to set snakes on fire...unless I would be setting bears on fire - that would be more awesome than burning snakes!
Imagine my surprise when I found out that we weren't there to kill the thousands upon thousands of the highly deadly creatures, but instead to put them in pillowcases and take them hiking! The other participants were quite upset with me when i lit up 600 of the slithering death machines like the Fourth of July! I maintain that I merely dropped my cigarette that I couldn't produce when questioned by authorities!
See, apparently the point of this is to collect the snakes to take back into a crowded county fair. Once back at the fair the snakes are all released into a big arena where people can tease the creatures with big sticks! Some of the snakes are killed to make a very tasty jerky by the local vendors and others are skinned so they can be made into a really smelly wallet or pair of boots.
The good news is that they usually have enough anti-venom to keep everyone that gets bitten alive! Some of the events not to miss at this festival include, "Striking Hopscotch" - a game of hopscotch that has you jumping past snakes instead of rocks, "Box Full of Surprises" - a game where you blindly shove your hand into a random box that may contain fabulous prizes or a trip to the morgue, and "Venom Tossers" - a game like dodge ball only instead of using a ball, you toss a 4' long baby rattler!
The second great festival was one I learned about from a Country Music Video. Every summer, The city of Cordele, Georgia holds an annual "Watermelon Festival" to celebrate everything watermelon. The country singer Tracy Byrd presented me a video of beautiful women vying for the honor of being the Watermelon Queen, dancing like they worked in a strip club, and throwing themselves at any man that happened to wander into town...Naturally my interest was piqued!
Upon arriving in the sprawling rural township, I found it was very much a family oriented community...as I am sure everyone that lived there was at least 2nd cousins. The lesser deformed residents competed for the local "beauty" pageant and the right to wear some leaves in their hair! I am assuming that the foliage helps to mask the odor that permeates the crowded unclean masses. I also should note that the alcohol they make from the melons must cause blindness, because I've been to dog shows that had better looking contestants. The fact that they have celebrated 62 such festivals should also tell you that Inbreeding isn't just a lifestyle choice, but also a tourist industry.
Visitors can buy watermelon inspired jewelry and clothing as well as take a ride on the "Watermelon Express" train or ride the "Melon Wheel" a Ferris Wheel inspired ride that I originally thought was going to be about boobies. Live bands can be heard throughout the festival...all playing a different rendition of the song by Tracy Byrd. The also pay visitors to kiss the residents, in a unique version of the kissing booth concept...this way they can say they have experienced a form of love from someone not blood related to them!
Lastly, we go to the town of Colquitt, Georgia. This town has a festival that sings straight to my...stomach. Every year they have a fair dedicated to the Mayhaw Berry. This berry makes a delicious jelly that goes well with anything. This event takes place the third week of April and makes visitors envious of the warm, sticky sweet star of the show. I think they also used to put on a beauty pageant but it was cancelled when the judges kept insisting on tasting the contestants to see if they lived up to the name sake berry! Still join the fun for attractions like rock climbing in an area that is actually a flat marshy plain...I hear that this years "mountain" is three smurfs high! They also play live music to honor the Mayhaw, but since no one has ever written a song about the jelly that I have ever heard before, they just play bad renditions of Country Musics greatest dead people and some of the newer guys that I have never heard of.
Now that I have experienced these fantastic events, I don't know how I will ever adjust to the mundane day to day lifestyle to which I am accustomed.
Thank You once again Jason Gil, for giving me today's topic!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Best Friend I Have Ever Had

Some relationships stand the test of time, making it past all the hurdles that life can throw at them. I am lucky enough to have such a relationship. With my penis.
From the get-go boys are completely fascinated with this mysterious appendage and that bond only solidifies as we grow up. Which is why what happened to Joshua Seto all the more tragic...
When Joshua was growing up he wanted to be a lot of different things - like a doctor, a professional golfer, and a fire truck. So when his girlfriend, Cara Christopher, showed him her brand new pretty pink handgun, he instantly discovered a new dream! He wanted to be the prettiest thug on the block!
So naturally, Josh did what any man would do with a little pink Taurus .380 compact handgun that was loaded and cocked...he shoved it in his underwear! I mean this is what any self respecting gun owner would do right? I know I never check to see if a gun is loaded before I lick the barrel or try and juggle it for the 1st time!
Then the unexpected happened...as he was shoving the loaded and cocked gun into his pants to walk into a convenience store, the gun went off and blew off his penis! Allegedly, what followed was some laughs (from onlookers at the convenience store) some tears (from him) and a look of shock (from his girlfriend).
I would have loved to have taken that 911 call.

"Oh my God my dumbass boyfriend just blew his **** off!"
"He did what?"
"He blew his **** off! He blew it off with my pretty pink handgun! Theres blood everywhere! Oh my God, what do we do?"
At this point her ear will be filled the sound of me laughing maniacally.

Now, I am a big proponent for less strict gun laws and more open carry states like Arizona...that being said, I think anyone applying to get a permit that allows them to carry weapons (either openly or concealed) should be required to take an IQ test and if their IQ is that of say...butter, then maybe they shouldn't be allowed to have one! I also think that anyone buying a gun should be required to have weapons training 1st. These classes may help people to understand that guns aren't toys and should be treated with respect.
Even though Josh is a 27 year old and Cara is 26, they both demonstrated that they are dumber than a box of rocks. This proves age has nothing to do with wisdom or intelligence.
Girls, if you think handing your idiot boyfriend - and your man is the kind of guy that can barely operate the dishwasher or the toaster - a loaded weapon is a good idea then either A) you really hate him or B) you are just as big an idiot as he is. Sure it looks cool, but when they can't even identify which part of your penis is which...maybe it isn't worth the risk.
As a matter of fact, the only person that this outcome could appeal to is a pre-op transvestite...and even then if a guy (that wanted to become a woman) was shown a video of another dude getting his penis blown off...I think that whole lifestyle would cease to be. Honestly, I think that is the way that surgery should be performed..."What, You don't want to be a man, well here stand against this wall while I hand a gun to a woman who has been cheated on. I promise it will only hurt for a minute!"
But if you must look cool and shove a gun into your waistband, at least do it while a camera is running...this way I can laugh at you on youtube.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I Love It When She Plays With My Sword

Maybe its just me, but I like "Geeky" Girls. If she's into swords, anime, Star Wars or the Highlander movies, I can honestly say I will be smitten. There's something about the way she stares longingly at my sword that gets me going.
I mean, let's face it the world of Science Fiction and Fantasy used to be a very male dominated area - a veritable sausage factory! But over the last several years, more and more women have discovered what young male social rejects knew all along...that "geek" is just a cooler word for "Cool".
For any men that have doubts, go to a comic book convention. The women there are as numerous (if not more so) than the men and they are all pretty much dressed as their favorite characters in a game they call Cos-play. I must admit my idea of Cos-play involves a stethoscope, a pair of handcuffs, her in a nurses uniform and me a prisoner being held at the hospital.
Movies like Spider-Man, and The Dark Knight helped bring women who had never read a comic book into those fantasy worlds. Video games like Rock Band and The Legend of Zelda enticed them in, and nothing is sexier than being "pwned" by a hot chick in Halo:Reach!
While I can't speak for other men, I love the fact that she and I could have more stuff in common. Imagine not having to watch Grey's Anatomy! This girl would rather watch Smallville or The X-Files!
Plus, she won't complain when she comes home to find you dressed like your favorite super-hero, although she may be mad that you didn't lay out her costume.
So guys go out there and encourage your girlfriends inner geek! After all, she won't yell at you for playing Call of Duty if she is playing with you, unless you really suck.
Here are some ideas on how to make your non-geeky girlfriend cooler:
1. Start with the easier stuff. Movies. The first thing you should do is get her to enjoy movies that aren't romantic comedies. The easiest geek movie to do this with is Harry Potter. After all, it is like Dungeons & Dragons lite! Those movies can help get her to be okay with watching other movies involving magic and dragons, like say Dragon Heart! From here you can push her to watch any number of movies involving knights, damsels and monsters! When you can get her to giggle through Army of Darkness, you will have reached Godhood. For those that love Science Fiction, transition her slowly from family friendly fare like Avatar to the new Star Trek starring that crazy guy from Heroes. Once she watches the new one, then you can be like well here is how the others went! I advise staying away from the older Superman movies and not show her anything that came out before Batman Begins, this will turn her off the genre.
2. Now that you have her curiosity peaked, you can begin to get her to try out some video games. I suggest any of the following options: the Nintendo DS, the Wii, the LEGO games, or Rock Band. This will get her to see that games can be fun without being too complicated. The controllers are designed for aerospace engineers so if you just hand her your Xbox controller she will look at you like you are out of your mind.  For group gaming load up Wii Sports and bowl with her. Then switch her to Rock Band on the PS3 or Xbox 360. Get her used to the controller by having her be the player to set the games up. Before you know it, she will be making you her bitch in Black Ops.
3. Once she watches a few of the newer comic book movies - Captain America, The Dark Knight, Thor - give her some of the comics that influenced them. Like The Killing Joke. Or V For Vendetta. This one is a harder sell and you have to give her reading material that has more going on than classic violence. Have her watch Smallville and then get her to read a few Superman comics.
4. This phase allows you to beat the hell out of her with padded sparring sticks. Claim that you read that this helps manage stress in a relationship and that all the therapists are recommending it. Make sure that the padded sticks are made of foam so that you don't actually hurt her (Or so that she doesn't hurt you in most cases). Make sure that the sparring sticks you buy resemble real weapons. The goal is to get her to play with your sword. This can also include having her play with knives and other medieval weapons. The more she wins, the more comfortable she will be handling your weapon.
5. The final step to making her into a geek is Costume Fore-play...I mean Role-play. Note: The Freudian Slip occurred because this can be used in the bedroom as well, I love being tied up with Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth! This can also include having her play with swords and knives. Halloween is the easiest way to get her involved. Throw a party or find a club that has costume contests. She will jump at the chance to be a part of it!
So that is all there is to it. And guys, if you aren't interested in your geeky girl because she's independent, smarter than you, and comfortable with her own skin...get a fucking dog.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Things I Would Like To Do With Your Ass

Readers, Hawaii has often complained that they don't need or want to be a part of the United States. They claim that they wish to keep their indigenous wild-life and that they don't want the tourists.
So I was shocked to learn that Hawaii needs California to help save its ass(es).
Apparently the wild donkey population has boomed lately and Hawaii can't support the population increase. So, they did the best thing they could think of...they are sending them to Hollywood. These guys will be screened as replacements for the Shrek Co-star 'Dawnkeys' stunt doubles.
I think Hawaii could have found many more interesting uses for the beasts of burden though than sending them to Cali to be castrated.
Maybe they could have hired them as bell hops at the many hotels they have along their beaches...or sacrificed them to volcano goddesses! Or maybe they could have given them to tourists as parting gifts! Instead of getting leid, you just get ass!
Also, couldn't they be used as rental vehicles? I hear that England uses them to cart around the handi-capped and that they are cheaper than a power chair! Also, you know who else rode around on a donkey? Jesus! So, if its good enough for him, why not for you?
Or how about as substitute hamburger meat? I will bet that really does taste like ass!
Also, couldn't they hire Kevin Costner to teach them Macbeth, like he did in The Postman? That would mean dinner and a show!
I've also read somewhere once upon a time that donkeys make great babysitters! Why not leave your young children with them and head out to paint the town! I'm sure your infants will be fine being tended to this gentle creature!
I hear that they also make great companions! As long as you don't mind them being a blanket hog that is.
Also, I hear Mexico has found some "stage" work for them, just ask Kelly to set you up with a show!
They can also be used to protect goats! So maybe introduce a goat species to your island cultures to give the donkeys something to do! This way you wouldn't need to worry about those rare plants anymore since the goats would just eat them.
Donkeys can also be taught to do tricks. Like play fetch or tennis! You could teach them to count the tourists as they got off the airplanes! This way you could know exactly how many trespassers were there!
So Hawaii, quit complaining about us stealing your native indigenous wild-life when you can't even put them to good use yourself! I think you are wasting these majestic horse-a-bies ultimate potential and therefore I am calling you out on your hypocrisy!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Happy Birthday Mr President, Hopefully Your Driver Can Get That Stain Out Of The Seat

Today is the Presidents birthday. So I would like to take a minute to congratulate him for reaching the half century mark. Now that he is officially in the mid-life zone, one has to wonder if he will suffer the dreaded mid-life crisis that so many men fall prey to...
If I were Michelle, I would fire all 20-something year old female staffers working at the White House...Typically men suffering from a mid-life crisis replace their wives with women half their ages. If the 1st lady questions her husbands sexuality, it may behoove her to fire all staffers under 30 regardless of gender...If only Elin Nordegren had done that, then we could still know who would win the Masters without being forced to watch it. I would also suspend his Air Force One and his limo privileges, because if you think it's easy to pick up girls at the beach with a sports car, you should see how easy it is to do in a 747!
Another sign a man is approaching his mid-life crisis is that life becomes boring for him...in my case that happened when I was 19...which means I am looking at the tail end of my existence...Usually this feeling causes men to become a bit reckless and add excitement to their lives...If Obama tries to take up sky-diving, I suggest that Michelle get him medicated, have him take up water polo...or let him parachute in with 101st Airborne. Any of those methods will end his mid-life very quickly.
Another commonality for the mid-life crisis is wanting to make rash and often insane financial decisions. Men typically want to change careers or invest in K-Mart/TG&Y stocks. If Obama decides he wants to stop being President and instead become the Sultan of New America, then I think Michelle should talk him out of it. Instead she should give him a turban and tell him that he is the Sultan of the Lincoln Bedroom, just not anywhere else.
He may also decide to buy things that he shouldn't...like Mexico. I know that some of the beaches are pretty awesome and it would end all the immigration debates, but that doesn't make it a good idea. The same applies to Canada.
Men in their mid-life crisis's tend to change their appearances. If the President starts wearing a soul patch and grows a mo-hawk, then watch out America...that will mean non-stop Pearl Jam. If he starts wearing new colognes though it may mean he is dating Justin Bieber.
Men in that stage of their life tend to lose all interest in sex with their partners. So Michelle, I will leave that one to you to figure out. I personally would have lost interest in having sex with you that time you wore ruffles and that belt from Assassins Creed.
If a man begins thinking about the girl he went to prom with, then that too can be a sign that he is having a mid-life crisis. Men that think they are dying, tend to reflect on the past. They long for the good old days and those "simpler times" that they remember. If he starts were platform shoes and wanting to do the Electric Bugaloe, then Michelle you should start burning his yearbooks. I would also suggest destroying his 8 track collection preemptively.
Other signs may be laughing at things that aren't funny like Rosie O'Donnell or taking up activities like hunting with buddies...(remember that Chaney did this just so he could use it as an excuse to shoot a guy going through a mid-life crisis.)
Remember that as the President, he will have infinite resources with which to succumb to this horrible affliction. Infinite resources meaning $7.48. Because that is all this country has in Fort Knox right now.
So anyways..Happy Birthday Barack Obama. Please just refrain from using tax payer money to pay for a cocaine/meth fueled orgy in the back of a Toyota van with those strippers from the PlayThing...use the ones from My New Toys instead, they are more fun.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

If You Think I'm Adorable, Clap Your Hands

Readers...a serious issue has been brought to my attention...apparently I am adorable.
I know it was a surprise to me as well. But after careful examination of the evidence provided...I must say I reached the same conclusion.
The signs were always there and I am not sure how I missed them. Whether I was smirking with my head slightly tilted as I stared you in the eyes or I was smirking with my head slightly tilted as I stared at other parts of you, apparently everything I do is found to be cute or playful.
But do you know what isn't cute and playful? Dressing in a bunny suit for fun and having to be told by police to stop.
Turns out that William Faulkner of Idaho Falls likes to play dress up. Occasionally he prances through town wearing a bunny suit and a tutu. Residents have complained that he scares the kids by parading around dressed like ballerinas, bunnies and those dead nurses from Silent Hill. So, police intervened on the behalf of the rest of the community to ensure that Mr Faulkner keeps his bunny away from the eyes of the innocent.
Another lifestyle choice that isn't so cute and cuddly is the one being made by Alexander Pylyshenko of the Ukraine.
Alex is a zoo keeper and has decided that his zoo was endangered of losing funding. So to raise money, Alex is going to shack up with Samson and Katya. Now, before you start thinking that this sounds more like the opening for a 70s porno, let me explain that Samson and Katya are full grown lions.
Alex plans to spend the next 5 weeks living in the lion enclosure, going so far as to even help Katya give birth. The only thing he will leave the enclosure for is using the bathroom and showering. Otherwise, he is going to sleep at the foot of Samsons bed and play fetch when required.
Lastly, a story that is the least adorable thing I could tell...Drunken Bears....
The Ukraines Environment Minister Mykola Zlochevsky wants to outlaw people serving alcohol to bears. I think you need to be drunk to pronounce Mykola's name. Turns out people in Russia like to use bears as entertainers and apparently bears have stage fright...So, they do the only thing they can to help the bears get over it...they give them vodka...
Now, that is a bar fight I don't want to be a part of it...and could you imagine holding a grizzlys hair back as it puked? I bet they can't get those stains out! And don't get started on the smell...I mean fish can smell bad enough before you eat it, I don't want to be the janitor at those places.
So that brings us back to Mykola...turns out that he feels that the bears need rehab and he plans to send about 80 bears there very soon. Normally I would favor such actions, but I would love to read an article one day about how Smokey got a D.U.I.

Monday, August 1, 2011

And Parent Of The Month Goes To...

Readers, how many of you have been completely shit faced? I am talking about being so drunk that you shouldn't be within a mile of a motor vehicle. And of those that know what I am talking about, how many of you are supposed to be driving from Mississippi to Dallas, Texas? And is your reason for doing this to transport your two small children to another guardian? And did you (out of fear of being late) think it would be a good idea to let your 8 year old son drive while you slept in the passenger seat?
If you answered yes to all of these questions...Congratulations: You are Billie Joe Madden!
This past Saturday, officers pulled over a pick-up truck that was driving erratically on Interstate 12 near the town of Holden, Louisiana. State Police found Mr. Madden asleep in the passenger side of the truck while his 8 year old son drove and his 4 year old daughter slept in the back of the cab.
When questioned Mr Madden allegedly told Louisiana State Patrol Officers that he was sure his son was older, but was just short for his age. He was arrested for child desertion, allowing a minor to drive and seat belt and car seat violations. Although, in Mr Maddens defense..he didn't technically desert his kids, he was asleep next to them the whole time!
This isn't the first case of amazing parenting though! Back in November of last year a 35 year old woman from Nevada was arrested for letting her 12 year old drive. She had been out partying for 2 days and took her young child with her. Then like any responsible parent said "Screw cabs, you need to learn how to drive anyway so here are the keys!"
In February of this year an English childcare worker has been banned from working with children for three years after he bought a 15 year old a drink and had the boy play chauffeur. George Gillion, a 53 year old man from Glasgow, bought drinks for two young boys and discussed things of a sexual nature with them as they drove him about the city of Irvine. The best thing they could have done was temporarily removed him from working with young boys. I am sure after the three years are up, he will use boys that are at least 16 for the role of "Drunken Taxicab Driver."
On the other hand...back in 2007 an 11 year old girl was arrested and charged with DUI after leading police on 8-mile chase that ended with her flipping the car she was driving. The chase got over speeds of 100 mph and began around 10:30PM that night when the unnamed little girl went to pick up her sister from a concert. The young felon had apparently borrowed the car from relatives and took it on herself to grab her sister.
The parents in this case were considered victims for not knowing that there young daughter took their car and went on a binge drinking spree while trying to find the concert her sister was attending.