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Friday, September 30, 2011

Locked Up Tighter Than Fort Knox

     Anti-American sentiment is nothing new in some parts of the world. China has long disliked us, mostly because we always show their national icon – Jackie Chan – as a buffoon. Even the Middle East has had problems with us in the past. I can overlook these groups of people because deep down I know that they would still be herding goats if Americans weren’t buying their cheaply made trinkets. But, when the Anti-American attitude comes from the country that gave us spaghetti and meatballs and the ancestors of the cast of Jersey Shore, then it becomes personal. This is because Italy has given America the boot — in the form of Amanda Knox.
     Knox is a 24 year old girl from a prominent family in Seattle, Washington. She had traveled across the pond to study abroad and ended up in the town of Perugia, Italy during the height of fallout from the US invasion of Iraq. A beautiful and charming girl in a strange new town, she quickly tried to make friends with the locals. She even took a job at a local bar to help her fit in better.
     It was here that Knox would become the focal point of a murder investigation involving her roommate Meredith “Mez” Kercher. Mez, a pretty 21 year old Briton, was well liked and well known in the small community. Knox’s trouble and involvement began on the night of November 1st, 2007. Knox went to stay with her new boyfriend (Rafaelle Sollecito), while Mez stayed out with friends. At some point Mez left her friends and went home alone. The next day Amanda returned home to find that her house had been vandalized and Mez was missing. She tried calling her friend a few times before finally calling local police.
     Knox was immediately a person of interest, along with Sollecito. Soon after, authorities would allege that “Knox directed her then-boyfriend (Sollecito) and a third defendant Rudy Guede, to hold Kercher down as Knox played with a knife before slashing Kercher's throat. They said the trio left her in a pool of blood and covered her with her own blanket.” Accounts vary as to motives, but when it went to trial prosecutors would claim that a “Sex and drug fueled satanic ritual” had been the reasoning behind the grisly murder. Prosecutors would change their reasoning for the motives throughout the trial to cover anything from ritual sacrifice to an over enthusiastically played out sex games. That’s because in Italy, sex is better when someone stabs you viciously over and over in your throat.
     The various media painted Knox as a na├»ve and innocent girl over her head in a hostile land. But surely justice would prevail. Surely a court would look beyond her country of origin and past the circumstantial evidence. Surely the real killer would be caught and she would be able to put this behind her as a bad memory. After all, she had merely notified police of a crime and then worked with authorities to the best of her ability to help find the ones who were guilty.
     The trial would come to a cold and bitter end in December of 2009. Knox and her ex-boyfriend Sollecito would be tried together and be given almost 30 years each. Rudy would earlier confess to the crime of murdering Kercher and would be offered 15 years if he would agree to testify against Knox and her boyfriend. Rudy took that deal with a smile! Knox’s conviction would take place despite the court having been presented evidence showing she had been allegedly abused by Italian authorities, despite experts testifying that evidence had been contaminated, despite experts testifying that events couldn’t have happened the way prosecutors claimed, even despite a confession of Rudy Guede – after his DNA was found inside Mez’s body!
     I would be afraid to contact authorities of a crime in Italy now, because I fear that I would be used as the scapegoat for a bungling police force. What’s next? Will Italian police arrest and convict American citizens for major crimes just because they happened to be in the same city? Will Americans become the “suspects” for crimes that occurred while that American was in the US of A?
     I suspect that Knox’s arrest and later conviction was instead a rebuke against America for the growing discontent with then President Bush’s Iraq war policies. Otherwise, why would poor little Amanda and her American loving boyfriend be given longer sentences than the man who confessed to sexually assaulting and murdering Meredith Kercher? After all the years I have spent watching CSI Miami, I know that in order to prove someone’s guilt you have to have a basement full of forensic evidence that conclusively ties the suspect to every aspect of the crime. Italian authorities didn’t have enough evidence to convict her of jay-walking — much less murder!
     It is a sad day in the world when a court system would find an innocent woman guilty just because of her nationality. But, Italy has a chance to redeem itself. Knox is gearing up to face the courts again as her appeal date draws near. The question now becomes: How do you overturn a poorly conceived conviction and still save face in the eyes of the world?
     If Italy needs a scapegoat to blame for this international debacle, why not turn on the lead prosecutor, Giuliano Mignini? After all, it was Mignini that suggested it was ritual sex and sacrifice that led to the murder of Ms. Kercher. Mignini has allegedly used that line of prosecution “unsuccessfully over 20 times.” This way Italy can claim it was the actions of a man possessed by some need to see the devil everywhere he looks in the world around him. They could even do it as a sort of national pardon. The Prime Minister could make an official statement recognizing that details in the case are too vague and while circumstantial evidence may exist, it is not enough to keep a possibly innocent girl locked up for the majority of her life.
     For the young Amanda Knox, I hope that Italy does the right thing. Grant this girl clemency in an ugly incident that made her guilty only by the nature of her birth. Hopefully for the girl dubbed “Foxy Knoxy” by the world media, absolution is right around the corner.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

That's No Way To Get A Head

It is said that nothing special ever happened on September 10th. So I set out to prove this statement wrong...and at first...I could not. See, the universe revolves around a few constant unwavering laws. The sky is blue. What goes up, will inflate gas prices which in turn will piss me off. And I am never wrong. So when it turned out that I could be wrong, I began questioning the other constants. Just as I was ready rethink Yanni as a musician, I found the story I was looking for. An amazing story that began in 1945...on September 10th.
On this cool evening, Lloyd Olson went to kill a chicken for the evening meal. He selected a young 5 month old rooster and grabbed his ax. Taking his time, he expertly removed the chickens head. Now for those of you lucky enough to not grow up on a farm, a chicken will run around for a minute or two then fall over dead after it has bled out. This day was no different, the chicken ran about then fell over into the dirt. Lloyd walked over to collect his dinner when a miracle happened. The headless chicken stood up, flipped Lloyd off and pecked at the ground with it's imaginary head.
Lloyd was taken aback at this beak less wonder! Not understanding how this miracle happened the Olson family force fed grain and water down the birds open throat with an eye dropper. And because they needed a name for this miracle, they looked to biblical examples and found a name suited for a resurrection: Mike.
After a few days, the Olsons took Mike to the University of Utah to be examined. The scientists looked over this creature with extreme skepticism but since photoshop hadn't been invented yet they studied Mike.
Turns out that when the head was severed, a part of the bird's ear and all of it's brain stem were still attached. And a blood clot had formed to keep it from bleeding to death. This basically means that so long as Mike was fed and taken care of it would continue to live a normal life for a headless chicken.
So Lloyd and his wife did the only thing a sensible American could - they started a side show act. People lined up for miles to watch a headless bird run around.
This inspired a nation-wide tour and an annual festival. The tour came to an end in Arizona a mere year and a half later when Mike choked to death at a seedy motel where this famous cock was found with several hookers and an ounce of cocaine...no wait that was Chris Farley...Mike just choked to death.
Lloyd returned home and collected the $10k life insurance policy he had bought on Mike and many thought that would be the end of it all. But no one understood the popularity of the festival. With events like "run like a headless chicken" and "bobbing for apples while wearing a burlap sack to give you the feeling of being headless," thousands flock to Fruita, Colorado every year to this day.
After earning the Olson family a small fortune and a small amount of fame including stints on Ripley's Believe It Or Not and in the Guinness Book of World Records, Mike showed us that sometimes running around like a chicken with your head cut off can buy you a sports car.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I'm Gonna Do My Little Turn On The Slutwalk

I'm planning a trip to Minnesota because on October 1st, they will be hosting the Slutwalk. Being a big fan of sluts, I must say how exciting it is to know that they are organizing and taking it to the streets! No longer will the word hold negative connotations! No longer will I have to wonder or even ask! Because when I see you marching out there, I will already know!
I admit I know very little about the origin of this great sounding event other than it encourages women to wear lingerie and mini-skirts or school girl uniforms and heels while taking part on a 2 mile walk. Women are also encouraged to carry signs that say things like "Proud Slut" or "The Answer To The Question You're Asking Yourself Is: Yes I Do."
I can picture the debauchery and wildness already and it only makes me that much more excited to travel to a state that will require someone to keep me warm. But before I go, I guess I should do a little research on this momentous occasion.
*Breaks away to read*
Folks as it turns out the Slutwalk isn't to advertise that you like to be chained to the bedpost and tortured with feathers - the only reason we still have MySpace! No instead it is the lofty project of Sonya Barnett and Heather Jarvis.The point of the march is to bring awareness to rape victims after a constable in Canada remarked, "women shouldn't dress like sluts if they wish to avoid being raped."
Apparently Heather and Sonya took offense at that remark and decided that they would gather as many sluts as they could to protest being called women. Or maybe they are protesting being called women that dress like sluts, I am really unclear on the whole thing as I am attempting to learn the history and cancel my hotel and flight reservations. Regardless, Heather and Sonya decided to redeem the word slut and make it as proper an endearment as hun, baby, and SeXy Ass Bitch. So on April 3rd of this year they held the first Slutwalk in Toronto, Canada.
The two ladies have organized many of these rallies since and plans have been made to see Slutwalks in all the major cities in America. As the movement has spread so have the ideas of feminism, conservative values, and commercialism.
The movement has created many types of memorabilia like bumper stickers and pins that say "I <3 Sluts!" The sad thing bumper sticker and pin makers, so do I! which is why I am disappointed that this isn't a festival similar to the Adult Film Conventions.
Like me, many people take offense at the vague use of the word "slut." People like Gail Dines, a renowned feminist, who claims "the word is beyond redemption." That's right girls, you can't make the word slut equate to the word lady. That would be like equating the word politician to the word honesty.
While I applaud the idea of rape awareness, I must question the vehicle used to propel the message forward. By embracing the word "slut", a word - that by own and by no means official definition - means a woman who will willingly sleep with any guy so long as that guy meets very basic criteria, i.e. breathing, does that add credibility to your movement? Or does it make your movement seem crass and vulgar? Does it appeal to mainstream America or just draw out perverts who would book a flight to Minnesota just because of the name of the event?
Doesn't it seem that by using the term slut in Slutwalk just plays to misogynists and pedophiles? Why not call it the EmpowermentWalk? Will little Sally Housewife throw on a teddy and march with you? Or will she most likely watch in lurid fascination at the half naked protesters and be so fixated on the appearance that she never catches the message?
If a picture paints a thousand words, then a photo of this rally is worth a years subscription to Playboy.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I Got The Room, But Now I'm Bored

Everywhere I look I see the signs of the bad economic times. Businesses shutting down. Foreclosure signs on homes. But now I am starting to see evidence of an upswing.


Businesses like this Best Western have decided to enter the rental housing market. Each apartment has one to two beds, a spacious bathroom, a mini fridge, a microwave and daily maid service. 
I applaud them reaching out to connect with people so poor that they can't find anywhere else to live except a sleazy motel that I wouldn't even take a hooker to!
Speaking of taking people home with you, could you imagine bringing a girl home from the bar? I imagine it would go something like this:

You: Why don't we go back to my place?
Girl: Ok cool, but I'm not that kind of girl so no funny business OK?
You: Never baby, I respect you to much.
*Leaves the bar and drives to Best Western.*
Girl: What the hell is going on? Are you some kind of freak? Theres no way I'm staying with you in some cheap hotel!
You: No baby, you don't understand! I live here!
Girl: You creepy bastard! *sprays mace in your eyes* 

Other than serial killers and that creepy guy that builds bombs in his moms basement, who is the targeted clientele?
Is there that much of an apartment shortage that the best place you can find to live is a motel featuring a picture of Andy Griffith on the outside of the building? 
Maybe they are looking to promote prostitution and the porn industry? P.E.T.A anyone?
I think these people may have the most likely motive to rent one of these "apartments."
Maybe open up a camera shop, a sex toy company and put condom dispensing vending machines next to the ice machine. Aerosmith, Nickleback and The Lonely Island could stream into the "apartments" via Pandora radio.
Chris Hansen could even set up a permanent child porn catching studio in one! Every pervert in America would fall prey to the 14 year old girl inviting him back to the hotel.
Think of all the other business opportunities out there! Prison's could rent out cells as motel rooms! McDonalds could become a wedding catering service! Hooter's could make food that is edible! Funeral homes could enter the mattress making industry, I know I would love to sleep in satin! Baskin Robbins can offer cryogenic services in their deep freezers!
So America go out and make money any way you can!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I Spilled The Beans And Stained My Clothes

Starbucks is in the news again and this time it's not just for overpriced coffee at the expense of slave labor in South American sweat shops.
First up, Starbucks is commemorating it's 40th birthday of selling us a really cheap to produce beverage at exorbitant prices. To help celebrate this milestone, Starbucks hired fashion designer Alexander Wang to create some t-shirts. The t-shirt is supposed to symbolize what the company actually means...and what does that boil down to? A coffee stain.
See, apparently the best that Wang could come up with was to spill coffee on a white t-shirt then mass produce the results. The t-shirts sell for the modest price of $85 on the Starbucks website and at Nordstrom. Now I don't know about you, but nothing says affordable like Nordstrom.
Some may question Starbucks decision to sell the shirts at such a high and utterly ridiculous and in no way warranted price, but I say suck it up. After all, if they can convince you to pay $11 for a latte and a cracker, the shirt's are actually a bargain considering that you still have them after an hour.
Sure the material is cheaply made and if you wash it too much the coffee stain...I mean dye they used will wash out and all you will be left with is a white t-shirt that cost you as much as your cell phone payment, but what do you really expect from a company that makes itself fancy by calling it's 20 oz coffee, 20 in Italian?
The next bit of national news involving Starbucks comes from Washington, D.C. A man and his 5 year old daughter were using the unisex bathroom, when the little girl found a video camera hidden under the sink.
William Yockley of Virginia is suing the chain for $1 million. When I first read that, I wondered about that oddly specific amount, until I looked at his picture and realized Will is actually Dr. Evil.
This isn't the first time that cameras have been found in the bath rooms of the company, which makes me wonder why I haven't found this particular fetish on the Internet. "Girl's of the coffee house" seems like it would be an easy trend to find.
I say that since sexting became popular, why worry about people filming you and putting it out there for the masses to see! Let's just invite them to film live in our own bathrooms! I can put on a much better show when I know I am being filmed!
And does Starbucks get kick backs from the secret pornography/voyeurism business that it allows to film on premises? I would certainly hope so, but then again...couldn't they at least take a bit off the retail price of their White Chocolate Mocha?
Lastly an employee was fired for a satirical song written about some of his customers. The song, written and performed by Chris Cristwell can be found here and is pure genius. The company wasn't too happy with his rant however and gave him the ax. With lines like "I just called you fat" and "I really don't want to care but I'm paid to try," he shows the pain of working in the retail industry that everyone who has ever worked retail has felt.
So why fire this guy? I say hire him to write jingles for your company! He clearly has a knack for song writing and rhyming words with shit..which is what your coffee gives me. The song is catchier than gonorrhea and unlike the STD will make you smile. I think this song should be played as you order, because then at least I won't mind mortgaging the house to have an espresso drink with too much milk and sugar.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Nothing Is What It Is "Crack"ed Up To Be

Show and tell is such a great part of the kindergarten experience. It allows young American children to bring a significant object, toy, pet or memento into the classroom and share with their friends. I remember when I brought a black widow spider that I had caught in a jar in my backyard. Somehow the spider managed to escape it's impromptu prison and hilarity ensued and my parents were called. Scandalous.
But in the town of Sweet Springs, Missouri, a child has outdone me on the show and tell presentation. A young boy who's name wasn't released due to his age but I will call "Little Johnny" brought in a show and tell presentation that will forever be remembered in the annals of school history - A bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe.
Luckily for the other children a sharp eyed teacher recognized the items and cracked down on Little Johnny's planned show and confiscated the items. Little Johnny's mother Michelle Cheatham, aged 32, was arrested for possession.
Or maybe the children weren't so lucky. After all, who knows what kind of show Little Johnny had planned. I am imagining him bringing in that crazy rambling homeless guy that his mom bought the drugs from. Crazy Rambling Eddie could have talked about the day a pineapple bought his dog a hamster before the man came and ate his popsicle sticks which made him turn to a life of drugs that cost him his wife, kids and home in the suburbs. CRE would have been more animated than a Dora the Explorer cartoon. And with his random twitchings and ticks, much more entertaining.
CRE could have also demonstrated the proper way to use crystal meth. But since he probably sold his spoon that he uses to heat the stuff before putting it in the pipe and smoking it, he could borrow one from the teacher's coffee cup. After teaching each of the 6 year olds the proper way to partake, they could have had a demonstration for themselves. A kind of scratch and sniff portion, so to speak.
Then Little Johnny could have had CRE demonstrate what it takes to afford to use crystal meth by having him rob all the children of their lunch monies. Then and only then should the teacher have allowed officers to get involved. After all, how many times will kids get the oppurtunity to watch a police K9 rip a junkie to pieces in front of them.
I think the town missed out on a valuable lesson for the children and that poor little Johnny's mom should not have gone to jail either. Maybe she should have come to the show as well and talked about the things that a woman can do to score free drugs from scummy men that sell them!
After all, the town of Sweet Springs is only 66 miles from Kansas City - the original home of prostitution in America!
So Missouri, I am putting you on alert! You call yourselves the "Show Me" state? Well why don't you show those kids all that they will probably ever amount to...

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Spanking The Monkey Has Taken On A Whole New Meaning...Thanks PETA!

Bestiality has a new champion in the form of P.E.T.A.
The animal lovers have finally come out of the closet so to speak by announcing a new business venture - PETA Porn!
The group is thinking of changing the meaning of their anagram to the Pornographic  Entertaining and Talented Animals.
That's because starting sometime after November but before Christmas, P.E.T.A. plans to release a XXX website to help draw attention to the plight of animals. I mean, what could better explain animal cruelty than reverse cowgirl?
The group is known for using scantily dressed models at their events, so shooting hardcore porn is the next obvious step to protesting fur...after all most porn stars are shaved. This begs the question of execution...how will this work?
Spokesperson and Associate Director of Campaigns, Lindsay Rajt claims that "the organization should use every outlet to speak out for animals." I guess this includes pigs of the human male variety.
Rajt promises hardcore videos that will be occasionally interrupted by images of abused animals and commercials that explain their suffering...I know nothing turns me than watching porn that has commercials of malnourished and horribly disfigured dogs and cats.
That kind of video would make me want a cheeseburger so I could have dinner and a show.
As an animal based website, does this mean they would have videos of donkey shows? Wouldn't that really "show" how much they "love" the animals?
Will animal celebrities like Shamu or Kermit the Frog be featured in the adult films?
I would love to attend the next Adult Entertainment Expo that P.E.T.A. debuts in.
This isn't the first time the activist group has used odd and extreme measures to promote an agenda no one really cares about. They once ran a billboard ad of a very large woman with the slogan "Save the whales. Lose the blubber. Eat Vegetarian." They also launched a comic book style ad at children with a cartoony woman trying to stab a rabbit in a comic book titled "Your Mommy Kills Animals!"
This all from a group that I mentioned in a previous blog, that euthanized over 3/4 of the animals they bring into their shelters each year.
I am also curious at how the groups followers will feel about being a part of the porn industry. The group portrays itself as the average person, but I have never made a pornographic movie....not for lack of trying but from lack of willing participants. Will Sally the Vegetarian Housewife embrace the groups new direction? And if this is indicative of the groups forward thinking and members of an organization must be okay with this direction, does this mean that the sickly looking vegan girl would be willing to film a threesome with me as long as we promise to say "hurting animals is bad" when we are done? Of course, I would want to make sure that she only looked sickly first, but after that...
Anyways, this is an idea I can get off on - uh I mean get on board with P.E.T.A., so I say if what you need to save a few chickens is to swallow a few cocks then go for it. 

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Weekend Of Wonders

After a really crappy week, my weekend ended with a spasming possum, corn pretending to be jewelry, angry spirits and the letter T.
After any relationship ends, I do what every red blooded American male does - I had an exorcism.
I figure banishing the witch from my memory via magic water and Jesus is the fastest way to be healed.
After that was over I traipsed through grave yards and sang show tunes with dead people while waving lighters above our heads. While the grave yard inhabitants didn't mind, a few of the neighbors complained and I was cited with a noise violation. One officer said I sounded like a pack of saber tooth crotch crickets. With my idea of Redneck Graveyard Karaoke going up in smoke, I grabbed my hot friend and headed to the liquor store.
My hot friend and I raced through the night to find enough alcohol to meet both our needs. I wanted a peaceful buzz and she wanted to take serious advantage of me and both needs were met with some Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade. This hot pink malt liquor beverage really packs a punch with its 2 percent alcohol content...after only 2, I was wasted.
Riding back from the liquor store, we decided to take the scenic route. Ignoring the dangers of motorcycles, alcohol and dirt roads, we braved the darkness at lightening speeds of about 27 mph. Which made stopping for what happened next almost catastrophic.
See, after we turned a sharp corner we found ourselves staring face to face with a opossum the size of a small dog. I stopped and stared it down. It reared it's head and I hit the throttle and we played a game of chicken that has never been seen before. The possum tucked its head and bared it's teeth as it raced headlong at my motorcycle...it was a marsupial versus machine and only one winner could be named. Then at the last second as I was preparing to swerve and lose our game of wills, the possum fell onto it's back as if it were having convulsions. Then it hopped up and ran off into the darkness, looking back only once, as if to say "you won this one but Sonic has cherry limeades three for one at happy hour." My hot friend and I shared a nervous laugh and then sped back off into the night.
After waking the next morning, I once again kidnapped my hot friend and took her with me to the city. Her, Nathan and I laughed and made fools of ourselves at Toys R Us by almost getting thrown out for riding power wheels through the store and sleeping in the race car bed. After larping with a hula hoop and a foam shield, we decided that perhaps we should leave and find a new place to play.
Which brought us to the best place to play in the world...Burlington Coat Factory.
At Burlington, I fantasized about strippers while my hot friend tried on 6 inch heels and then we wandered into the cheap jewelry section where we found Jewelry made from some guy's wife's hair. And some made from corn. After rolling around a bit on the floor, we hopped in the car again and made our way back home. Along the way we pretended we were pirates and tried to steal a fat lady's booty and then we headed to the old mill.
Nothing happened at the mill...apparently someone owns it now so we couldn't go there. We saw it with binoculars from the top of a pine tree.
Then we laughed and joked and sadly called it a day.
Hopefully my hot friend will hang out with me again, because after the year I have had I need as much carefree fun introduced into my life as possible. So here's to my friend whose name is brought to you by the letter T. She spent the weekend Taking The Trash and making it a Treasure.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Not A Snowballs Chance In....

There are many times that single people are asked or thinking about asking someone out on a date. But on occasion the person asking is less than desirable and you would rather vomit than be seen in public with them. But most of the time, you don't want to actually tell that person that.
So for your reading curiosity I have come across a few new ways to get out of going on a date with someone.

1. Tell him you are being deported. You should go to your computer and forge a letter from immigration services with a real looking header and write a letter explaining how the government knows you are here illegally and that you are being returned to your native country of Yemen. Tell him you would love to go out with him once your citizenship status is resolved...in 7 to 8 years.
2. Tell him that is perfect because you need an alibi. Tell him you secretly murdered your last date and hid the body in a dumpster on 9th and Broadway. Tell him that should the cops ask, you have been with him every night for the last week and that if he knows whats good for him he will keep quiet unlike poor Mark...poor dumb Mark...As encouragement offer to let him clean the blood off your knife!
3. Tell him that you will be looking for a parking space that night. This will confuse the hell out of him, especially if you don't own a car! Just say that you can never be to comfortable with the state of parking and that you have to be on the look out for better conditions.
4. Tell him that is your annual "Get abducted by aliens" night. Tell him you take some lubricant and lay out in a neighbors field and await the coming of the visitors and that its a "heavenly" experience. You should look away wistfully towards the sky when mentioning the lube.
5. Tell him your favorite television commercials are on that night. Tell him you can't wait to know what happens to that damn rabbit in that nights "episode" and that you really hope he gets some Trix this time. Go on and on about the drama that Mazda has been building and how sad Verizon makes you.
6. Tell him your cat is being operated on for brain transplant surgery and you have to be there for moral support. Tell him that Kitty may wake up a serial killer depending on where they find the brain donor. And because you are so worried you will be hanging out at Dr Franken's office until the procedure is done.
7. Tell him your parents won't let you date! Sure you may be in your 30's but mom and dad are strict! Tell him that they don't want you dating until you get married!
8. Tell him you are related! And that going out with him would violate too many moral and ethical issues. Tell him it's on your mothers sisters uncles grandmas brothers cousins side of the family.
9. Tell him you are going to prison to fulfill your public service as a conjugal visitor. Tell him every week you drive to the local state or federal penitentiary and have sex with a random prisoner as an incentive for them to get back on the straight and narrow. Tell him that it is a joy for you to bring happiness like that to so many men that have fallen astray and lost hope. Then tell him you have been doing it every week for 7 years.
10. Lastly, tell him that blue makes you cry. Or whatever eye color he has and that it reminds you of a close dead relative and that going out with him would be a constant painful reminder that that particular person is gone. Getting misty eyed thinking about it and start to tear up. Then run away quickly.

If none of these work you can always try the direct approach....tazing the hell out of him.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Mirror To The World

Sometimes you don't deserve more than what you are handed. Sometimes the universe ensures that things will never work out. It's funny how it seems the thing you want most is the thing most often denied to you. I don't pretend to understand why this is. I just know this is the way it always has been.
Like when a thief recently stole a diamond in Spain valued at 12k euros, he was caught by police because he failed an x-ray test. The incident occurred when two very smart women left their purses unattended. Purses that contained 2,000 euros, 400 pounds sterling, the diamond pendant worth $16k and other unnamed valuables. The thief took the purse and fled. Hours later at a routine check point, law enforcement found a car driven by four known criminals. Upon further inspection, they found the purse and the cash but the diamond was missing. This caused the cops to take the four to have x-rays done and lo and behold...one of them had swallowed it...I know that diamonds have to pass several standards and tests to ensure quality and grade, but passing through an intestinal tract is one I didn't know was necessary.
Just to show how much "love bites," ask Milton Ellis of St Pete Florida! The 69 year old struck up a conversation with a young 22 year old woman, Josephine Smith, he met on a street corner. When it started to rain, they moved under some shelter. Before he knew what was happening, Jo had climbed into his lap in his wheel chair and was nuzzling his neck - before screaming she was a vampire and biting the shit out of him!
Milty screamed and somehow escaped the crazed female who was perfectly healthy while he was trapped in a wheel chair. Cops found Ms Smith in an alleyway covered in blood with no memory of what happened. She was also half naked! That's my kinda vampire chick! I wish I could have found a picture because it so be posted right now.
I leave you now with my mantra that helps me make it through the bad things that often happen in my life, be it financial, or relationships. Speaking this usually helps me maintain sanity...but not always as some close to me found out yesterday.

I am not the Way, I merely show you a path. I am not the Light, I merely hold it before you. I am not the Truth, I merely offer perspective. For I am the mirror by which the world is measured. Gaze into me and know yourself. For when you look at me, you will find reflected all the things that you love and hate about you. In this way, I bring balance to the universe. My purpose...no my curse...I help the lost find their way. In the end. No one will help me find my own.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

With So Many Foreign Concepts I Feel Like An Alien In This Land

With the immigration debates ready to start back up again, I feel the need to discuss my own views on the aliens. I must admit that I have been pretty sheltered from this circumstance as I don't frequent areas known for them.
But recently I was given something to phone home about...
While shopping for ammunition at my least favorite store on Earth for one of the many guns I own,  I observed a man trying to purchase rifles.
Dressed in flannel, "Billy Bob" stood calmly as the cashier ran a background check.
Normally during this phase of purchasing a gun, a person would make small talk and otherwise polite conversation. Bill was no exception.
Bill: You think its true what they say about them aliens coming here?
Clerk: *shrugs* I guess it is huh.
Bill: Then you best sell me several boxes of ammunition and ill take those other 4 rifles and some ammo fer them too.
Clerk: What? Why?
Bill: Cuz when them bastards fly over head I'm gonna make damn sure I don't get abducted.
Clerk: Dude what the hell are you talking about?
Bill: I ain't getting no damn anal probe done to me no sir...Ima gonna sit out in my fields and any damn UFO's that fly over head are getting pumped with lead.
Clerk: Dude you realize there is no way in hell I'm selling you anything now right?
Billy Bob didn't get it though...and he didn't get it when a manager walked over and politely explained it wasn't Wal-Marts policy to sell firearms to people who were obviously bat shit crazy. Billy Bob still didn't get it when the nice deputy had to drag him kicking and screaming from the store as he accused the clerk and manager of being in league with our upcoming oppressors.
Readers...what if Billy Bob was right to worry? A year ago we were worried about global warming but suddenly it is no big deal, what if the warming was caused by an advanced race of celestial beings that descended on our planet with only one purpose - anally probing Billy!
What if he had been anally probed before? Because even if he hadn't, I'm sure he was once he got to prison.
How many times will we allow poor Billy to be victimized? Isn't better that he lay out in a corn field and randomly open fire on objects flying in the sky?
What if the aliens he kills are ones that would have anally violated you?
I think we should all get our firearms and head to the fields and shoot anything that we feel doesn't belong there. Maybe pawn shops could open up next to these fields and sell gun upgrades and ammunition! And concealed carry classes can start offering alien abduction defense classes! These classes can teach you where to aim at the heartless anal probing bastards!
Although any alien race that visits and only manages to steal the lowest common denominator of humanity is a race I am not overly concerned with. If they get all of dear Billy's secrets, the only threat they could pose would be to inbreeders and moonshiners. What vast knowledge did they hope to learn from a guy who wanted to lay in a field and shoot at random objects in the sky with no other provocation other than that they were unidentified and flying over the spot he happened to be laying?
Frankly I think you would get more helpful information from a mime. Why not abduct someone useful? Like a politician or the guy that makes the donuts?
Aliens, I am putting you guys on alert! You have been invading our planet for years and harassing people that can barely spell their names, doing despicable things and then not even sticking around to talk about them. Next time you want to pick on poor ignorant people do it like every other American - on the Jerry Springer Show!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Naked Truth...About Being Naked


Readers. I just realized something this morning. Being naked is always awkward. It doesn't matter if you are alone, with someone special, or waking up that way in a bed with 8 strangers and no memory of what happened after a boozed filled night from the day before.
There is almost always that dread that comes with looking at ones self in the mirror...the few extra pounds...the hair in weird places...the undersized equipment that looks borrowed from toddlers...
Which is why this story from San Francisco is even more disturbing. 
It turns out that it is perfectly legal to wander the city of San Fran sans clothing at any time one wants! Except politicians want to take away your right to public humiliation by requiring nudists to wear clothes in certain situations...Like when you go in a restaurant! Since every person I have ever known to be a nudist is someone I would never want to see naked, the last thing I want to see is a pair of dangling olives at the garden!
Or how about while getting take out from the Hot Dog Shack!
The politicians of California also want to require nudists to put something between their bare asses and the public seats they currently sit on...no that isn't mud staining that chair!
I say let the fatties, the grotesque and the old wander around naked all they want...that is another new reason to never visit California.
Ben & Jerry's is unveiling a new ice cream flavor today. Called Schweddy Balls, it is as suggestive as the other flavor Karmel Sutra. I don't want to think about the ingredients that go into making this one! The company spokesperson, Sean Greenwood, has stated that "the company isn't concerned about being offensive." Well I am offended they didn't get the schwed off of my balls!
If one needs to escape a sex scandal, go to Mexico. It turns out they are extremely tolerant of scandals according to a new survey conducted by Reuters. I didn't think that a survey was necessary considering all the barnyard shows that country puts on....
Hungary has come with a unique way to get people to fill out the national census...naked women in hot lingerie! A new video that can be found here. The video entices viewers to go online and complete the census data by showing a topless girl in red panties and black thigh high boots talking about that very thing with an unseen census taker. Though the video isn't subtitled, I am sure it goes something like this:
Hot Naked Girl: I have a client inside. What do you want?
Unseen Census Worker: (Before looking up) I stopped by today to discuss the cen- (looks up) I'm sorry, I forgot why I am here. Can I get an appointment?
Hot Naked Girl: (smiles and nods) Absolutely. Come back at 4:30.
In other news, Gumby - yes the big green phallic looking creature from the 70's and 80's - attempted to rob a convenience store in Los Angeles. Apparently the out of work Gumby and an accomplice were tired of working in the Stagg industry and decided to make some quick cash that wouldn't require a test afterwards. 
Gumby demanded money from the clerk and then reached inside itself in an effort to produce a weapon. However, this only produced about 30 cents - that Gumby left when he fled!
Gumby flew from the scene in a minivan that was allegedly driven by his sidekick Pokey. Ironically enough, when Gumby and his accomplice get caught that is where they both will get sent.
So see readers, being naked or looking like a giant **** or selling products named for dangling appendages is bad...This is why I never get undressed - even when I shower.
I would like to thank Dani, my English Composition 1102 class, and all the girl's that laughed at me because I forgot to turn out the lights for inspiring this article.

Friday, September 2, 2011

I'm Sorry, But Are You Flirting With Me?

I have been known to be a flirt. I don't deny it. The thing is that for me flirting is way to just pass time. In all honesty, I mean nothing by it and sometimes, I have no idea that I am doing it. I know bizarre, right?
See, if I say I want to throw you over the back of the couch and have my way with you, well chances are that I am just saying "Heya 'insert name here'! How ya been? We should totally have lunch and catch up one day." It's only very rarely that I actually mean I want to have my way with you. Flirting is a game that people play and it is meant to help boost egos...right?
Which is why I never realize when anyone is actually flirting with me and she means it. I can't tell you the number of dates I have been on and my date gets mad at me because the waitress was flirting. I thought she was just being friendly! How am I to know that she doesn't try to hold hands with all her customers and it's common knowledge that the girls of Outback and Hooters sit on your lap to take your orders! In that fancy French place on Main Street, the girls always kiss your cheek before serving you drinks!
How is it my fault that you are insecure and worried about some girl that I will never see again - mainly because you will never go eat with me there again!
This is why I think people should just be honest about what their intentions are. I think you should just come out and say "Hey I think your hot and I would love to get to know you better."  This would eliminate any possibility of misunderstanding. Ladies, you should be happy that other women are interested in your man. Guys, if another guy comes up to your girl and says something like that to her, take it as a compliment...unless she runs off with him, then beat his ass.
What follows is a list of things that I do not consider flirting but some people do unless you specifically say you are flirting with me:
1. Touching someones arm or hands. If this is all you have to go on, she is not flirting with you. She is merely trying to keep you calm before she tells you she wants to date other people.
2. Playing the "Quiet Game." Girls, at no time do I find the silent treatment sexy. If you aren't talking, my first impulse is that you are miserable and want out of the situation. This goes double if she is looking away constantly or acting as if she just knocked over a liquor store. No, I don't buy the "she just doesn't want to get caught staring" line of b/s. Which brings me to...
3. Staring me down like I stole your kitten. If you are constantly staring, you are probably creeping me out. I love to stare longingly to...at times, if it makes me feel like I am under investigation though, I am likely to freak out and think something is wrong with me.
4. Talking to me. A lot of guys think that just because she talks to me, she must want me...because some guys think this women just assume that the guy she is into will know by the way she talks to him...this is a bit redundant to me...don't get ticked because I can't tell the difference between a meaningful conversation between friends or that the exact same conversation is your way to show that you secretly want to have my baby.
5. Pretending you think I am funny. If you find me witty and funny and cool, but secretly you really don't and are just acting that way to show interest...I am not going to notice. Of course I think I am funny! Why else would I risk my self-esteem if I didn't. And this doesn't mean you should tell me I am not funny either...My ego probably couldn't take it.
6. Generalized terms of endearment. If you call me hun or dear or babe...I am not going to take that as flirting...hell I have called everyone baby at some point! If it isn't an original pet name, then I am just going to consider it being friendly and living in an informal society. In the south, every woman is hun or darling. In England they call attractive women cows...Okay, so if I was a girl I would be ticked if a guy decided that a hot nickname for me is "cow."
7. Long hugs. Hugs are something shared by family. If you hug me, my first thought is: all we will ever be is friends...So if it is romance you want, you will need to grab my ass while you hug me, this will keep me from being oblivious to your intentions.
8. Answering your door naked. So you invite me over, and when I show up you aren't wearing any clothes. Why do you get mad at me for not making a move? My 1st thought is: you are a nudist and this is your lifestyle choice. Just know, even though I didn't make a move, I was checking you out the whole time.
9. Kissing me with tongue. Doesn't everyone in Europe do this each time they meet? Just because you stuck your tongue in my mouth doesn't mean you like me...it could just be the large amount of alcohol you just consumed...
10. Asking a lot of personal questions. I just think you are nosy. I don't equate this to wanting to learn about me, I think of it as wanting to gossip about me later to your friends.
So people just tell the one you want what you want, when you want it, how you want it and then get it.