Total Pageviews

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Ok At This Point You Are Scaring Me

So, it's Halloween weekend and I was supposed to be in Savannah, but instead I am still in bed and staring at my ceiling. Which means now I need to find new plans to celebrate one of my favorite holidays.
Which brings me to my famous lists.
Things you probably shouldn't do for Halloween.

1. Let's Talk Celebrity Costumes. People don't dress up as a celebrity. If you honestly looked like the celebrity you wouldn't have to dress up anyway, you could just go out in regular clothes and people would be like, "Wow you are really fat and your skin is so orange - that is a great Snooki costume!" So leave the looking like celebrities to... I don't know...the celebrities maybe? The only exception to this rule is Lady Gaga, only because she is such a freak that if you didn't wear anything she did, we would all run out of clothes.
2. Allow the Creepy Possible Sex Offender Guy to Take Your Kids Trick or Treating. I know that you want to go to Luane's no kids allowed costumed block party, but this is a bad idea. This is because that creepy guy who dressed up like Mr Rogers or Pee Wee Herman probably is a registered sex offender and all he will spend the evening doing is "tricking" your kids to playing with his "treat."
3. Worry About Whether You Will Go to Hell or Not for Celebrating This Dark Holiday. Chances are you are anyway so at least have one night of fun before you get there.
4. Guys Avoid Cross-dressing. I don't care how well she thinks you can pass for a woman, this should be avoided unless you are looking to date Eddie Murphy. Besides, even if your girlfriend encouraged this costume choice, after you go through with it she will always be jealous of how you can pull that outfit off and she can't.
5. Attempting to Scare Trick or Treaters by Jumping Out of Dark Alleyways or Bushes. This is a good way to get maced/tazed/shot by the many rednecks that will be taking their kids through your neighborhoods. These people live the deliverance lifestyle so don't make them angry! Best case scenario you only get punched in the face by a guy as he is pissing his pants. This also applies to anyone thinking of egging a house or car, these people will kill you!
6. Avoid Costumed Karaoke. You're dressed as Dracula. Ed is the wolf man. And some hot chick is eyeing you like she wants to be your baby's "mummy?" So this inspires you to sing the monster mash? The only thing she will be eyeing then is your complete public humiliation.
7. Just Because She's Dressed Like a Slut, Doesn't Make Her One. Guys, I know that she is wearing a thong and two pasties, some eyeliner, and a lot of face paint - and is calling that a costume - but that doesn't mean she is a whore. And even if she is a slut, if you came dressed like Beavis and Butthead, she isn't going home with you! But think about it like this for just a moment, almost every costume for women is extremely skimpy and by buying and wearing one of these shows that she isn't very creative. I would rather hit on the girl with the extremely intricate World of Warcraft costume or dressed like an obscure character from the Harry Potter Universe, because she will probably be a wildcat later.
8. Bobbing For Apples After a Fifth of Jack. Yeah let's drink and shove our heads into a tank of water while trying to grab an apple with our teeth! That sounds like a really safe activity that I am sure won't result in any accidental drownings! And accidental covers those drownings that occur because your buddies hold you under until you actually get an apple!
9. Avoid Ouija Boards. I am all for summoning spirits and other odd denizens of the night, but when you do it on Halloween you just look like a douche. Save the campy "scares" and cheesy mood settings for Arbor Day, because no one is going to think it's cool to sit around on Halloween moving a piece of plastic on an upgraded monopoly board.
10. Avoid Fireworks. Drinking and costumes + explosives can be a lot of fun. For the guy that is sober laughing at you as you roll on the floor trying to put out the flames. Bet the Wicked Witch of the West never realized how easy she could have taken out Dorothy's little gang of easily flammable friends! She could have handed them "magic wands" and watched as they blew themselves all back to Kansas. Avoid the explosives for one night.
11. Lastly. Don't Assume Every Costumed Creature Is Actually a Person in a Costume. See that guy in the authentic bear costume! Why not run over and clap him on the shoulder and tell him how great his costume is? Because most likely it is a real bear that is looking for meat to serve at his picnic and what better way to infiltrate the world of man than on a night that let's critters look like the boy next door.

So there is my Halloween tips for survival. Have a safe holiday and if anything horrible happens to you, please let me know so I can make fun of you later.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Game Called Because We Miscounted

Folks, you all know my thoughts on sports. And everyone knows that I believe that soccer is only worth watching if you can't sleep because it is more effective than Ambien and won't cause you to wake up in bed with a stranger in a town you drove to but can't remember how.
But oddly enough there are many people that actually enjoy watching soccer and some even look forward to playing it. Which makes this story all the more tragic. The girl's soccer team of Holland High School in western New York has been banned from playing any post season games. This banishment is obviously merited correct? I mean why would they otherwise not let a team that went 15 - 2 play in the finals?
Surely some of the girls got caught breaking the law. They must have been participating in underage drinking, drug use, orgies, anything like that right? At the very least some of the girls must have been suspended or disciplined for cheating or maybe using some form of performance enhancing drugs? Or maybe the school racked up too many penalties on the field while they were winning those 15 games?
As it turns out, nothing even remotely close to that happened. Which is too bad because then I may take an interest in watching a sport that produces such "bad girls." They didn't even earn a single yellow flag or card or pixie or whatever soccer uses as a penalty notifier their entire season!!! No the unforgivable crime these girls committed was they played 17 games in their regular season.
According to state rules, no team can play more than 16 games in their season, if they play more they will be disqualified. This measure was created two years ago solely to save the state money.
So, basically a group of girls that made it to regional's last year and stands a big chance of winning state this year, played fair and by the rules every game, maintains the grades and proper behaviors set forth by school guidelines, is deemed ineligible to play because the school miscounted how many games they had set up?
When it was appealed, they were denied to play as well.
I think state officials must have money riding on this game. And the little high school from Western New York poses too much a threat to their odds. Or maybe their former Alma Maters have a shot at winning and they don't want to see an upset. Or maybe some people in the area of Holland, NY, are taking part in the occupy Wall Street movement. And the government that has been harassing and penalizing people for voicing their outrage at having been robbed is now attacking these poor hard working people by attacking a group of high school athletes.
Maybe the town of Holland should organize an occupy soccer movement and protest the regional and state finals. I, for one, would love to travel to the state and carry a sign expressing outrage for the injustice done to these young women.
In a world that claims that young people don't know how to stay out of trouble, why punish those that jumped through every hoop we laid out in front of them? Shouldn't instead just remove the results of one of their games instead? Declare their 17th game invalid and strike that from their record and - bam! - problem solved! This would change their record to either 14 - 2 or 15 -1 and either way that is still a formidable score!
So Reader's join the protest on Facebook here and support these young women! And New York, I am calling you out for possible corruption by denying these girls their chance to shine in the sport that they love!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Nothing Says Manly Like Having Silky Skin!

Companies that make beauty products are always looking for new customers. It's the way of large corporations to find ways to keep customers and entice new ones. Which is why I applaud Dove for reaching out to "the Marlboro Man." During a string of commercials that started at the 2010 Super Bowl, Dove reached out to men across the nation seeking softer, more beautiful skin. This commercial had the theme for The Lone Ranger playing in the background and portrayed manly men needing moisturizers and other skin care products.
Because everyone knows after watching that Heath Ledger film that all cowboys are uber-masculine. And nothing screams alpha male like a cucumber facial. I know I look forward to my mani/pedi's each month and then following that with a deep detoxifying scrub. I mean, just look at the products that Dove offers! Many are obviously geared towards men - like the body wash Lavender Fields, Baby's Bottom, and my personal favorite, Midnight Waltz.
I don't think these companies are thinking big enough! I mean, think about it like this, how many cowboys have chapped lips? Why not sell them lip balms in a variety of flavors? And since they no longer have the fullness they used to due to sun exposure, they should sell them collagen boosters! And you know that if they can have their lips restored to their former glory, they will want them to retain their natural coloring! So let's sell them a variety of colors as well, but because these are straight manly men we should stick to shades that look good on an F-150.
Once that takes off the door is wide open with a myriad of possibilities! Complexion problems? That will be easily covered up with this new foundation "Man Face!" hands bleeding and cracked from all that hard manual labor? The manliest men have lotion - like that guy from "Silence of the Lambs!"
And working three jobs to take care of the family? This new eye make up just for men will hide those unsightly circles and make you look younger!
Just look at the successful companies already selling items that once were considered for women only - companies like Spanx which sells girdles! Spanx markets them to men in order to help them feel "more powerful" which is necessary when wearing something predominantly made of lace! Even soft drink manufacturers are jumping into this bandwagon! Dr Pepper recently released a ten calorie soft drink only for men - presumably this because women don't like the taste of turpentine and motor oil! And remember earlier this year when I broke the news about the new trend in fashion started by Levi's? They were just pioneers in this new modern era! Pretty soon there won't be women only stores because these companies know that in order to survive these difficult economic times, you have to get everyone wearing their brand of bra and panties!
So beauty companies go forth and keep reaching across the aisle! Because it's a common fact that all women want their masculine men just a little more feminine!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I'm A Swinger Baby!

Folks, I enjoy playing with kids toys as much as the next guy. I also enjoy making stupid bets with people that have had way too much to drink. I have also had my share of bad bets gone horribly wrong.
But, unlike the unnamed man from Vallejo, California, I have never been hospitalized from one of those bets, nor have I had to have the fire department use the jaws of life to rescue me from one of my stunts.
A 21 year old man from California made a $100 bet with his friends that he could successfully fit into a toddler swing in a local public park.
Now honestly, I don't see what could have possibly gone wrong at this point, I mean if a 3 year old can do something then surely so can a full grown man!
The 21 year old preceeded to lube himself up. Then his friends told him that he couldn't win anything but money on this deal.
So, he preceeded to lube himself up again only this time using Tide laundry detergent. After he was thoroughly soaked and I can only assume completely naked he started stuffing himself into the child seat. The process was obviously agonizing, but the unidentified idiot was able to get into the swing. A swing which quickly became apparent, he could not escape from. Now painfully trapped, the young man began to panic and his friends did the only thing they could do in that situation - they laughed at him and went home.
A word to the wise, if you make a bet with a group of people that could possibly cause you to be hurt or to die, maybe you should make sure at least one person in that group wouldn't leave you to your probably deserved fate.
Instead, he was left to swing....for 9 hours. Alone and naked. Covered in soap. In a children's park.
Finally a groundskeeper heard his cries for help at 6 A.M. and called authorities.
I think it would have been more poetic to upload a video to YouTube 1st.
Fire fighter's had to cut the chains and then had to cut him out of the chair.
How's that for embarrassing! Most mother's tell their kids make sure you have clean underwear on, what do you tell a kid that only wears Clean Breeze scented laundry soap?
Maybe he was trying to be like his hero, Portillo Pahtay who successfully forced his body through a child's toilet.
This modern day Houdini was treated for bruising, but his pride was probably the only thing that was hurt.
Guys here are some other bets to avoid.

1. Making a paste using catnip and covering your genitals with them before calling for the local stray cats - trust me this isn't the kind of kitty you want handling your nuts.
2. Hitch hiking while only wearing a speedo! No one wants to see that for any reason and the money you make will never equal the number of views that video will get online.
3. Dressing up in a woman's Catwoman suit and heading to your local Redbox to get the newest Batman animated feature.
4. Offering children candy from a skeezy van.
5. Telling a guy three times your size that you want to take his hot girlfriend for a test drive. You know - around the curves to see how she handles on the stick! I can speak from experience this is never a good idea.
6. French kissing an alligator will most likely end badly for you, so you should avoid that. However, I would love to see you try so ignore this one and make sure you film it.
7. Slapping a female officer on the ass and saying "Giggity" will never get you anything but tazed. This goes for slapping any girl on the ass in settings where she isn't your significant other or a hired prostitute. Slapping a stripper on the ass will not only get you tazed, but also a very large man will pummel you into a bloody pulp.
Now that our unnamed hero has won his bet, I wonder if he will even collect his $100 now that he passed GO?

Monday, October 24, 2011

Nice Guys Rarely Finish At All

Warning: Today's rant is a vent session, run now before it is too late!
Today's particular rant is one that hits close to home. It may not be quite as humorous as many of you are used to, but a serious topic every once in a while is allowed. It was inspired after hearing horror stories from some female friends about their current relationships and from several other female friends about their lack of relationships.
Readers, I can't tell you how many times a woman has come to me to gripe about her boyfriend/husband/lover. Usually these gripes stem around him being a complete asshole. Whether he's abusive, a cheater, or forces her to do everything, you can bet I will hear about it and typically offer advice. But advice in all of these cases is usually pointless. Because either: your gripe is petty, or because even if he beats you and sleeps with your best friend twice a week you won't leave him.
Which is why I get irked every time I hear someone say "there are no good men left." Well, if you actually looked you would probably find one or two. The thing is most women aren't attracted to nice guys. Maybe it's the lack of danger and excitement. Maybe it's because nice is equated to weakness and therefore if he is a man he can't be weak so therefore he can't be nice, but whatever the root cause, a lot of really good guys end up alone and some really great girls end up broken.
So I have compiled a list of gripes that have merit and if you really care about your own well being, perhaps you should run. And if he has any of these traits, chances are he should be avoided.

1. Extremely good looking. This is the guy with the six pack abs and nice tan, perfect hair and winning smile. Like that shirtless dude on the gay vampire movies. This guy is going to be an asshole because he knows he can pretty much have any woman he wants. He will most likely never be faithful and will never be affectionate or even give a damn about what you did that day. The fact is he will also want women as pretty as he is and he will tend to be shallow and obsessive. He will be so in love with himself that there will never be room in his heart for you. Look at Brad Pitt for an example. Had a great loving wife at home, then he took out the trash and moved in with it. I hear they have kids now....
2. Rich. This guy can buy love and he knows it. Which leads to an interesting turn of events. He will never trust you. In his mind the only reason you are with him is for the money. He will cheat because he thinks you are cheating. He will accuse you of being unfaithful and talk about how quickly he can have you replaced by someone even prettier. This guy could look like Mr Bean and women would throw themselves at him. He doesn't need anything but a Discover Black card and he is Don Juan. As far as he is concerned you are just property.
3. Famous. How many famous people are faithful? How many aren't abusive alcoholics or addicted to pain pills? If you like this guy and want a relationship with him...you are an idiot.
4. Convicted of Violent Felonies. This guy has wife beater tattooed on his back...literally. And you think you can tame him? If a guy hits a woman one time, he will do it again - just a matter of time! Oh, there are circumstances that led up to him beating your ass, I'm sure! Like the mail was late or Kentucky Fried Chicken ran out of honey butter! But these cover-up excuses scream that you hate yourself.
5. The bad boy. You will never change him, not until his teeth fall out and he loses his hair. This guy will need to be paralyzed in order to not be a complete jackass and at that point you wouldn't want him anymore.

Now are there exceptions to the rules? Absolutely but those guys are either married or gay.

So ladies, want to know where to find one of those nice guys you complain you never can find? He's that guy you call that consoles you, makes you feel better about yourself, listens to your problems, and is secretly in love with you...you know that guy you would never date in a million years.

This concludes my rant...we now return to our regularly scheduled programs.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

It Was Over - Lickety Split!

I for one love the creative entrepreneur, which is why I am devastated authorities in New York sentenced Louis Scala to 3 and a half years on Tuesday for selling drugs out of his ice cream truck.
Scala had been using his self-owned ice cream business, Lickety Split, to front his real self-owned business - selling OxyContin with the Rocket Pops!
Using an accomplice, Scala had stolen a prescription pad from a Manhattan doctor and began to use drug mules to get the scripts filled. How come every time I go to get prescription strength Tylenol filled they call the doctor to ensure I had been there, but this guy writes enough prescriptions to get 43,000 pills and all the pharmacist does is fill them? Maybe I should ask for OxyContin next time instead of aspirin!
I just wonder what else he was selling out of that truck?
I would have liked to have tried his Methsicles or maybe some Heroin pops! When homeless guys are only begging for change around the route of the ice cream truck, you can bet it's not for the Tutti Frutti! You also have to wonder if the Scooby Pops have some Scooby Snacks hidden beneath the wrapper!
Investigators allegedly caught on to the drug ring when prescriptions for OxyContin doubled in a three year span. To them this was the "evidence of a large drug ring at work." Little Brandon tripping on acid after having a fudgesicle was never entered into evidence.
I think instead of prison, they should hire this guy to fix the economy! After all, he took a non-profitable business and made over 1 million dollars in a year! That's a lot of scratch that can then be spent on blow!
If we legitimize the ice cream trucking industry to sell drugs to people that obviously need them, then we are helping to save the economy and give people jobs! And when I say obviously need them, I am referring to people who have no real aliments that a doctor can diagnose so they would turn to the only people who market a product that makes them happy - ice cream! It's a common stereotype that sad women eat ice-cream to feel better about themselves, perhaps it is only because they are high as hell and have the munchies!
If Ben & Jerry's had marketed this instead of "Schweddy Balls", maybe the media wouldn't be giving them such flak! They could call it "Prescription For Happiness" or "Caramel Dr. Shopping."
And top it off with being a delivery service! Imagine if you could call Domino's Pizza and get a Large pepperoni with 'shrooms on the side! Then you wouldn't have to worry about the cops following you home ruining your buzz!
My only question is did he steal this idea from the popular "Grand Theft Auto" video game series? In the most recent console version GTA IV, players sold drugs out of ice cream trucks while avoiding police. If this is the case, then this further proves that video games help inspire people to things other than obesity or violence! It helps with job prospects too!
Readers, I encourage you to sign an online petition to free Mr Scala and return him to work...drug addicts all over the Bronx need their version of Humphry Slocombe's "Secret Breakfast." (For those that are not in the know this is an ice cream eatery located in San Francisco and this particular blend is an ice cream made with Bourbon and cornflakes.)

Friday, October 21, 2011

Bainbridge, Georgia On My Mind

A lot of people keep asking me: Sam, why did you move back to Georgia? The answer is quite simple. Because a lot of funny and entertaining things seem to happen in this part of the country!
But on Tuesday, October 18th 2011, Nathan Fluitt found out the hard way that my entertain comes at a cost - namely his abject humiliation and suffering!
Nathan was like any other typical 39 year old. He liked guns. He liked hanging out. So naturally it was no surprise when he decided to hang out at a well known drug house in Bainbridge, Georgia, with his shotgun. Sure, he may have allegedly told the 6 or 7 men there to empty their pockets of all cash and drugs and pass it to him while aiming the gun at each of them, but it was all in good fun! The 6 or 7 men didn't seem to think so though. 
Maybe it was the fact that Nathan kicked the front door in at midnight while brandishing a shotgun! Maybe, he didn't enunciate properly when he told everyone to get on the floor! Or maybe they just didn't like him but whatever the reason, those 6 or 7 men proceeded to beat the ever loving shit out of poor Nathan.
The story goes that after he burst in and made his demands, everyone looked at him like he was stupid before the guy standing right beside the door took away Nathan's shotgun.
I imagine that happened like this:
*Door burst open*
*Nathan*: "Give me your cash, drugs, porn, girlfriends phone numbers, shrimp scampi recipes"
*Guy at the door interrupts*: "Hey rookie. You forgot to take the safety off."
*Nathan looks at gun*: "What I didn't know I had left it on, thanks man!"
*Guy as he takes shotgun and punches Nathan in the face!*: "Oh your welcome!" 
Regardless of how it actually started though, witnesses all agree on what happened next. The 6 or 7 guys started beating poor Nathan inside the house, then out on the porch, then out in the yard, and finally out into the street! You have to admit that this was probably more fun than playing Monopoly!
Nathan's supposed accomplice, Antonio Jones, tried to come to his rescue in the alleged getaway car, but had to flee on foot! How you show up driving a car, never actually get out of the car, but your only option of fleeing becomes running away on foot, I will never know! 
Police arrived and arrested Nathan and then tracked down and arrested Antonio - who's only actual proven crime was leaving his car parked and running in the middle of the street as he ran away!
The only thing that would have made this better is if one of the guys filmed it and uploaded it to YouTube! This crime has to go down in history as one of the dumbest acts in the history of crime. Who randomly assaults a drug house in the middle of the night? Even SWAT knows to go after the sun has come up! That's like going to a Harry Potter Premier and expecting to be the only one there! 
Now that this "little whipping boy done wrong", I wonder if he will remain "Unforgiven" too?

All in the day of a Parent: Oh Daddy Dear

Take a minute to check out this girl. She is awesome!
All in the day of a Parent: Oh Daddy Dear: I was zooming down the highway in my decked out wonderful little powder blue Prius and talking on my brand new Droid, trying to explain that...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Today's Lesson Was A Little X-Rated

Nothing says prizes for children like x-rated images! Schools in Tallahassee, Florida, are scrambling like a crack addict looking for a fix to recover the accidental porn they passed out to students of Jay Elementary School.
How someone accidentally gives 7 year olds porn is beyond me, but somehow this is exactly what happened!
It all started when teachers of Jay Elementary wanted to reward the students for their parts in helping raise money for a fundraiser. Instead of opting for pizza and a movie in class - possibly because of the price - they instead ordered some cheap bracelets off of the internet. The bracelets known as "slap bracelets" were a cloth covered piece of plastic that acted as a spring when hit against a person's wrist. One curious child decided to see what was actually under the cloth and got an eyeful - of naked women. I guess they shouldn't have ordered the bracelets from Jugs.com.
The bracelets were handed out to around 160 students. That's a lot of soft core action! Apparently the manufacturers felt that the target consumer of this product would be grown men looking for a cheap penile ring. The idea that a bracelet that activates by slapping someone with it would appeal to children was beyond their understanding!
It would be like having to tickle Elmo in a private spot being the only way to make him giggle! Actually, it's the easiest way to make me giggle...
It's just a good thing they didn't also order the poonani sports bottle that shows an attractive girl stripping as the bottle is emptied. Or maybe the "smells like sex" crayon and coloring book set. This adorable gift shows your kids where babies really do come from - and has scratch and sniff stickers! Allegedly the next item they planned to give away as a prize was phallic shaped Blow Pop ring!
Parent's have been understanding overall in this ordeal and have worked with school officials to return the Hustler approved sex toys. The school is convinced some students may keep the bracelets instead of returning them...that's like being convinced that fat people will eat cake if it is offered - it doesn't take a large suspension of disbelief to know what will happen!
If anyone in Tally has one of the offending bracelets I would love to see it - for research purposes!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

It's The Perfect Night For A Panty Raid

A shocking story tonight ladies and gentlemen...New Mexico State University campus police are on the look out for a thief stealing panties off of clotheslines! I don't know which part is more shocking, the fact that this person is stealing random women's underwear or that people still use clotheslines...Dryers have been around a while now...Just saying.
An as to yet unnamed woman had hung several pairs of underwear, a couple of bras and her sons shirts out to dry on Saturday evening. And Sunday morning, 9 pairs of panties had gone missing! Maybe they just got cold and went to seek a warmer place to spend the night.
Cops apparently see the workings of a serial panty thief. They have started studying a case from a year earlier in which a girl had stolen and resold her dorm mates undergarments. Though the girls sorority sisters reclaimed their lost articles of clothing, the girl remained at large...
And just like the campus police, I believe it must be that suspect returning for revenge - because the idea that a random pervert entered a person's backyard and stole women's clothing is completely ridiculous and nonsensical. 
My question though, is what is the actual point of this crime? Maybe a random naked girl needed to put something on, so she stole them to wear? Or maybe it was a random naked guy with a conflicted sexuality?
Because honestly, if you aren't stealing them to wear, I can't see the point?
Unless maybe the thief wanted her going commando! Or maybe the unnamed victim staged the robbery as an excuse to go "free."
After conferring with a friend I have been informed that some people do really gross things with them that I choose not actually say here but will substitute the actual words with the word "rainbows" and words associated with the rainbow.
See according too my source, some guys like to take their "rainbows" out and "color" inside of the lines. Other's like to sniff the "rainbow" like it was one of those stickers we were given as children. And still some like to shove the "rainbows" right up their "indigo" while singing about being "blue."
The police reports don't list what kind were stolen, but I can't imagine they were "granny panties." No most likely they were sexy bits of lace in a thong or g-string style. I imagine they were in a variety of colors. Now that I am thinking about her underwear, I have to say I would like to know what this girl actually looks like...I mean if she's not cute, then that ruins the whole effect! 
Another possibility is that packs of wild dogs stole them! Or maybe it was aliens! They need to show how clothing can impede anal probing after all!
There were several bears to escape from a zoo a few days ago, I wouldn't put it past one of them to have committed this heinous crime!
All I know is if I were the cops instead of seeking out a serial pantiest, I would be investigating whether former President Bill Clinton had been in town.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

It Was A Bridge Over Troubled Waters

I sit here tonight, sick from the sun, dealing with near unbearable pain while waiting for the allergy meds to work. So, in order to distract my mind, I decided to do what I do best...bring you the news you really need.
In this economy many have turned to recycling to earn a little extra cash. Some recycle cans. Others recycle scrap metal. A few have turned to petty crimes to steal and resell copper from electrical equipment and in some cases power lines.
Benjamin (24) and Alexander (25) Jones of New Castle, Pennsylvania have taken this concept to a whole new level.
Ben and Alex knew that they could make money by recycling. The problem was that they didn't have anything worth recycling and the beer cans were too useful as crack pipes, so instead they decided to steal an item to recycle. And the item they stole...was a 50 foot long bridge from a wooded area 60 miles north of Pittsburg known as Covert's Crossing Bridge.
Using a blowtorch the two quickly disassembled the bridge. Once they had taken it apart they were left with 15 and a half tons of scrap. Which they sold for $5000.
I would have demanded at least 8 large if it had been me. My question is "How does someone disassemble a bridge, have almost 16 tons of scrap, haul it away and go unnoticed? You would think a pickup truck hauling away a bridge would draw attention. It's not like they could just haul it off in one trip.
The scrapyard, for unstated reasons, began to doubt that the Jones brothers had the rights to the old bridge and alerted authorities. I can't imagine what is suspicious about two young guys hauling a bridge in to sell for scrap. I plan to go sell the Sears Tower for scrap in the morning!
They were arrested for criminal mischief...because stealing a bridge is just a prank. It's really no different than jumping out of a box to scare someone. Or giving someone gum that turns your teeth blue.
Lastly in an almost unrelated note, I would like to add that my real name is Benjamin, my mothers maiden name was Jones, and I have used the alias Alexander Jones when I didn't want anyone to know who I really was. So you can say that this news story was fated to be relayed by me...

Friday, October 14, 2011

You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry

Folks, I may be changing my mind about who I support for the upcoming 2012 Presidential election. For those in the know, I am a long-time supporter of Basil Marceaux and information on Mr Marceaux can be found in my blog titled "The Greatest American Hero" found at the bottom of this page under the Take My Hand and Come With Me section.
But today I have been given news that may be enough to swing my vote. That's right this can only mean one thing: Hulk Hogan has announced his bid for being the next CEO of America!
That's right Hulkamaniacs, the Real American has said he will fix this country!
It all started in an interview with Fox News. Hulk told the network that he was recanting his support of current President Barack Obama. He is willing to suplex the budget. He's going to put Afghanistan in a full-nelson, lay the Smackdown on al Qaeda and leave our foreign relations RAW.
Admittedly, Mr. Hogan "knows nothing about politics." He went on to say that he supported "a flat tax." That's because big chested taxes are harder to keep pinned for three seconds.
Hulk says the he's a perfect candidate because unlike the others running, he is "a Real American." I wonder if that means the other candidates are man made?
This could change American politics if he were to get elected!
Think about it...any politicians that disagree with him could be forced to settle disputes inside the squared circle - preferably in a no holds barred cage match! Instead of wearing suits on Capitol Hill, everyone could wear colorful spandex costumes and they could call each other ridiculous sounding stage names. I hear Nancy Pelosi is allegedly secretly known as The Unwashed Cougar.
Congress could even rename legislation! Instead of passing bills they could be approving belts! Supreme Court Justices could referee hearings that worked as tag team matches!
Pundits can sit ringside and offer move by move commentary!
America, I can only hope that in the fall of 2012 you will answer the call and vote your hearts. Sure he may be an actor that made his money by lying to us all, but how does that make him different than other politicians? Because who other than a man that made a fortune by pretending can handle a job that requires such imagination. Only a man that would embarrass himself by taking his shirt off on television at the age of 50 would have the cajones to handle the media scrutiny. After all as his reality show proved, "Hogan Knows Best."

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Well, I Guess This Means You're Fired

For the second time in a week, Florida is making the headlines and is appearing right here in my little corner of the universe. State Representative Brad Drake has filed a bill this week that hopes to eliminate "death by lethal injection." The bill proposes that death row inmates have only two choices for their execution: electrocution or FIRING SQUAD!
Yes, you "heard" me correctly. Brad wants to shoot people.
Brad feels that being put to death by lethal injection is to humane for human beings, because if we can do it to Bingo at the animal shelter it must not be that bad. Instead, he wants criminals to suffer as their victims did. And I couldn't agree with him more.
Brad said he got the idea while having breakfast "with a constituent at a Waffle House." I know some of my best ideas started at the Waffle House - of course mine usually involved strippers since I never went to one before 1 AM. Allegedly after discussing the right to legally shoot convicted felons, Brad and the constituent watched NASCAR.
The problem is that death by firing squad may fall into that "cruel and unusual punishment" category that caused most states to stop using the method. Back in the 1970's, the Supreme Court halted all executions until they could determine if it violated the Constitution's provision of providing no cruel and unusual punishments. They lifted the ban in 1976 and since then only three people have been executed by firing squad. And all of those happened in Utah. And the last person executed in this manner was put down last year! Every other state began looking for new ways to "humanely" kill murderers and psychopaths that usually killed in very inhumane ways.
Florida began using the electric chair back in 1924. Old Sparky was put into commission to replace public hangings.
But I think that anyone found guilty of a heinous crime should lose the rights of protection afforded by the Constitution. I think we should have death by tractor pull! Or in an homage to old Western movies - death by being tied to a railway and run over by a train!
I also think we should make these executions a public spectacle! Let's sell tickets and cool refreshments. We can put it on pay per view and stream it live on the web! This may solve our nations budget crisis!
And forget letting the criminal have a cigarette or wear a blindfold. I think he or she should be set loose on a deserted island and hunted like a gazelle.
Or keeping with the gazelle them, using prisoners to keep the rising food costs at zoo's down is another alternative. Lion's think we taste like chicken!
Or we could be the better person and kill them the right way - in Afghanistan or Iraq while wearing a uniform.
So Florida, until the courts and the state assembly decide to not let you have a chance to talk at the dinner table, keep making the headlines with your new age thinking!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I'd Toss Some Change But Was A Little Short

My love for midgets is well known and borders on freakish obsession. Which is why I am watching fervently the upcoming legislation going through the State of Florida's General Assembly. State Representative Ritch Workman has introduced a bill to repeal anti-dwarf tossing legislation.
The laws concerning dwarf tossing were first introduced to Florida in 1989 and levied fines and threatened to revoke liquor licenses from any bar that hosted a "Dwarf Toss" event. Ritch believes that all this legislation did was "put little people out of work," because everyone knows that before 1989 the only jobs that midgets could get was frisbee and chocolate factory worker.
I think if someone wants to get paid for being tossed like a football, then this is America damn it so they should be allowed to! It's not like anyone is forcing them to do this!
It turns out the laws were passed because many midgets were being forced to do this. Apparently bouncers at bars coined the phrase "tossed from a bar" by tossing midgets into the street to help reinforce their macho image. Nothing says manly like a 6 foot 300lb guy tossing a guy the size of a four year old into road for shits and giggles.
Well, times have changed and surely midgets can get the respect they deserve by only being tossed in a manner they approve of! I say Ritch, run your bill through the state legislature and get this unlawful legislation banning little people from keeping honest jobs repealed! It's not like they are qualified for much more than stocking the bottom shelf at the grocery store or posing as yard gnomes!
I say let's up the ante and toss midgets and bouncers! We can toss them off of rooftops! We can toss them off of bridges! We can toss them into traffic! And at that bearded lady at the fair! We can toss them at trains! Or out of airplanes - preferably while tandem jumping without a parachute!
Just think if Florida legalizes dwarf tossing maybe they will legalize other midget related activities - like live bait on a bungee cord trolling for sharks in the gulf! Or maybe a new sport that uses the little person as the ball!
And once Florida makes the right choice, my hope is all other states will follow suit! Because this is a form of discrimination known as heightism. Because if I wanted to be paid to be tossed around, I could enjoy the WWE.
So go on America! Let's take back our dignity by throwing a little person's dignity into the street!

Monday, October 10, 2011

I Get Off On My Addiction

The bad economy has driven many people to places they would rather not be. Bankruptcy. Homelessness. Despair. Depression. And in some of these cases, the victims become the victimizer. Resorting to petty crimes to stay afloat and alive in these difficult times.
Amanda Rose Owens is one such victim turned aggressor.

Amanda had been struggling to pay her bills. She owed hundreds in debt. And she was afraid to miss out on her personal addiction, so she broke into a neighbors house in East Bethel, Minnesota, on 3 separate occasions in a one week period.
The first time she pilfered a camera.
The next time a briefcase.
And the third time a jar of money valued at around $300.
After the second break-in homeowner Darin Pake set up a security surveillance system in order to catch his mystery thief. And lo and behold...it was poor little 18 year old Amanda.
When confronted by police, Amanda allegedly admitted everything...including her reason for the robberies...she is addicted to porn! Amanda had purchased between 20 and 30 new hardcore DVDs and needed a way to pay for them. But rather than become a porn star herself and make money doing something she obviously enjoyed, she decided to break into her neighbors house to rip him off instead.
Amanda must have liked her porn doggy-style, because the video of her break-in shows her entering through the doggy door. It isn't clear what kind of porn she was into though, which is a shame. Maybe she was into Girl-on-Girl? Or most likely, she was into the hapless babysitter being taken advantage of - since she was normally invited into Mr. Pake's residence to babysit his children!
The sad part is that you can get most porn for free on the Internet! So why would you ever need to pay for it? Also, everyone knows that one kinky couple in each town, so just ask to film them and bam! Problem solved! She could also have uploaded a few videos of herself doing an erotic dance and quite possibly made enough money to pay for her addiction. Although, as far as addictions go, isn't porn safer than crack?
Sadly, if this is a real addiction, then she will probably get off...of the charges which carry up to a $20,000 fine and a year in jail.
It's too bad her number is unlisted because she could gain major street cred in the phone sex hotline business now.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Beating A Dead Spouse

Topeka, Kansas has a new motto, "Live Here and You Can Beat Your Spouse With No Fear of Reprisal."
The name Kansas has long been associated with violence - "Kansas" City anyone? But, the state has decided that since Kansas City isn't a city in Kansas, they would make violence a universal concept associated with the name.
Lawmakers in the city decided that prosecuting domestic violence is way too costly and are in the process of debating a measure to decriminalize it. I guess decriminalizing marijuana was worse than letting a man beat his wife. After all people smoking weed are liable to laugh and eat Funions which we can't allow, while abusive husbands keep hospital staff employed. And we need to keep people working, right?
Basically, the state is saying bar fights with men beating on other men while intoxicated bad, drunk men beating their wives at home is perfectly acceptable behavior. Pretty soon they may decriminalize murder so long as it was your spouse that you killed!
If laws that keep victims safe from the ones they trust most aren't worth keeping, then why keep laws at all? I mean look at it this way: Knowing that my wife could cold-cock me with a lead pipe for just smiling makes me smile. It isn't assault and battery it's a kinky love game gone wrong. Today's safe word is aardvark and even though I was screaming it until I passed out from the pain, there is a realistic expectation that she couldn't  understand the words since she knocked out all my teeth and I was gurgling a lot.
Nothing says love like stitches and surgeries to stop the bleeding.
Since no one ever cares about anything that happens in Kansas, I wonder if any other states will follow suit? Can you imagine if domestic violence was decriminalized in California? They already have public nudity, now they could have public nude domestic violence with bitch slapping and valley girl accents!
This isn't the first time that a state has allowed such things though...my home state of Georgia has a law on the books that allows a man to beat his wife in front of the court house with a belt one Sunday a month. The bitch deserved it because she made me dinner every night, took care of my kids, cleaned my house, and worked a full time job. If I didn't beat her ass, she may think I could help with those things. Or worse, make me get a real job! We all know Pimping ain't easy!
So what's next Kansas? Eliminate laws on child abuse? Rape? Jay-walking?
I have an idea! Let's allow the victims of domestic violence to beat the ever loving shit out of the people who vote to approve this measure! Oh wait...that won't work...you can only escape jail time if you are in a relationship with them at the time...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

All Of This For An Apple

Folks, today is a somber one. Yesterday, I watched as one of the world's brightest stars faded from view. He was inspirational to us all and while many were always cleaning up after his messes, his contributions to the people were often invaluable.
Those closest to him will say he was always happy, right up until the end. His life was short compared to others, but his zest for it was stronger than the rest of the herd. He had a love for Apples that inspired him to greater heights.
He began life with a humble origin, a young stallion bucking to make his mark on the world. The earlier years were spent in a garage with his best friend, Steve. They made plans and soon built a stable and functional new lifestyle.
Eventually, though he would be forced out of the life he had won for himself and would seek greener pastures. He would return to the orchard in 1997 and assume the chief position. The relationship he had with Steve would never be repaired.
It was always a race for him. Constantly running to stay ahead of the rest, he was a true thoroughbred winner. He had a winning smile and when he spoke, it was enough to get everyone's attention.He was tall and strong and stood many hands above the masses. He made great strides in communication delivery and was extremely user friendly. He was known for jumping headlong into new territory. Forging new paths, not so concerned with the dangers of the present but soley focused on the path to the end result. He would be chastised for not always following the rules, and he would get slapped down many times in his life for kicking and biting his way towards the top. Despite illnesses and hard times, he never once gave up.
In short, he will be missed.
Rest in peace, Buttercup. Never has a finer mustang walked the earth with four giant hooves.
I loved this horse with the very fiber of my being. A memorial service will be held on the 11th for anyone that wishes to attend. We will also allow short speeches to made in his honor.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I Think This Is Scarier Than Dying

October is the month of horrors, so in celebration of this concept I turn my attention to some of the most disturbing news I have seen thus far.
First up when Omaima Nelson told her husband William that he looked quite tasty, he probably thought she was talking about a kinky new sex game. Omaima is up for parole for the 1991 murder and consumption of her former spouse. Authorities discovered a grisly scene upon her arrest. Deep fried fingers, BBQ man ribs and boiled eye balls were on the menu and this disturbing meal apparently answered another question: she does indeed swallow!
This real life Hannibal Lector is currently serving 25 years to life and hopes to be released so she can move a head with her life. She claims that by finding Jesus she knows that her dead and long eaten husband has been restored in Heaven - even if she dismembered him on earth.
My home state made the news recently. On September 20, Macon fire fighters decided to pull a little prank on the new guys. In a video that went viral, a masked man enters the station brandishing a weapon. The masked gunman then grabs another fireman and drags him off screen and a shot is heard which made the rookies immediately shit themselves.
I applaud the fireman for what the liberal media is calling an "unnecessary stunt that endangered the lives of everyone in the firehouse." Of course it was necessary, how else could these 1st aide responders be prepared to deal with all the wild and crazy gun toting psychos that hang out at fires? I just think the video could have been made better if one of the rookies had tried to wrestle the loaded weapon away from his masked co-worker! Getting shot in the line of duty is expected when you drive vehicles with 24 inch rims and loud stereo systems! After all, why do you think they dress in yellow? You know, one of the official colors of hunter safety? I say give these guys that did the video a medal and as for the rookies that didn't move to eliminate the threat by shanking the gunman with a hand crafted shiv? They should be reprimanded and possibly fired. The video is found here.
If you are a man in France this may be the scariest story I talk about all day...A judge in the Southern town of Nice has recently ordered a man to pay his wife 10,000 euros as part of a divorce settlement - for failing to satisfy her sexually! In the country that proclaims itself to be comprised of the world's best lovers, it is an offense punishable by fines to be anything less! So guys mark the calendar because as of September 9th 2011 (at least in France) not making the earth move can be expensive!
Trusting your co-workers is scary enough when they aren't actually out to get you, but beware if they are! California judge Walter Schwarm ordered Michael Lallana of Fullerton to pay his co-workers $27,000 for damages on September 5th. And what did he damage? Their sexuality! See, Mike thought it would be great to add his semen to bottles of water and then share those with all his fellow workers. Maybe he thought adding his seed to water would help it grow!
Lastly, in August, a woman went to the home of a prospective employer in Arizona only to find a pair of dead bodies laying next to the front door. It turns out this was her potential employers. Gives new meaning to avoiding a dead end job, doesn't it?

Monday, October 3, 2011

I Just Would Like A Little Quiet

In a startling new trend of hating children, The Trimet (Oregon's largest transit agency) kicked a woman and her baby off a bus at night because the baby was being fussy. The incident happened in Portland on last Thursday around 8 PM. It all started when a young non-English speaking woman and her baby got onto a bus. The driver became irate and pulled the bus over about the loud and obnoxious child. The driver then walked back to the girl and her child and told her that if the child couldn't get quiet then she would have to leave.
I have to stop here to say that Guy Yelling At His Cell Phone and Dude Playing Obnoxious Music Way Too Loudly are way more offensive than a child crying...also what about Just Shit Himself Man and Drunk & Feeling Up Little Girls Homeless Person sitting at the back of the bus? Are they more socially acceptable than a woman alone with a baby? And what better way to deal with them than to just randomly pull over on the side of the road and make them get off in the dark? I am sure that they safely made it home! After all, what is safer for a young attractive woman that can't speak the language than to be left in the dark in a strange part of town?
You would think that there would be many on the bus that would have been happy for the quiet, but after forcing the woman off and pulling away the bus stopped again a few feet away - every passenger left the bus!
Maybe they just all missed their stops? I mean they couldn't have been offended by the driver's behavior so much that they would deliberately get off the bus in a strange part of town nowhere near a bus stop to just make sure this woman and child were safe, right? It turns out every passenger was so offended that they all exited the bus in protest of the driver's behavior.
This isn't the first time that businesses have taken a stand against children. Restaurants and movie theatres have slowly started banning children. It is a depression after all, so their motto's are "be depressed with your kids at home, so I don't have to be depressed by them in public." Once every business has successfully ostracized children, they will certainly have plenty of business from the 2% of people in America that do not have any. I am sure that group can ensure these places can keep their doors open!
I don't think the bans are going far enough to be honest! Let's ban all unattractive people from public places! If you look like Quasimodo, then go find a bell tower because we don't want to look at you! Or how about banning the elderly? We don't care what a gallon of milk cost in "your day" so just stay home! We can also ban people that own pets from ever being allowed in public again, because if they so prefer their animals then they can stay with them! Or how about people that are too tall or too short? Or anyone wearing purple? Or says the word "Hello?" And since I want to eat at fast food places with worrying about getting fat, ban every obese person from entering my range of vision!
Yeah, let's put bans in place to keep all of these undesirables out of public so they don't contaminate it with their backwards thinking and loud shirts/children/dogs/husbands/orgasms!
This way the only people we will have in those trendy restaurants, hot clubs, and the public transit system will be crickets!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

I Just Want To Pet Your Kitty

Folks. Hell hath no fury like a woman delivering the mail. Yesterday, Christine Hemming, the wife of British law maker John Hemming, was convicted of stealing a Kitten from John's mistress home while delivering his mail.
This bizarre story begins back around 2004 when John confessed to having had 26 affairs since the two married in 1981. Among those affairs, one in particular stood out. Stood out because she was a mirror image duplicate of his current wife.


As you can see, the only difference is one of them wears glasses and the other has a purple shirt. I am not even sure which woman is which. And I am sure that is precisely why John started spending more time with the mistress than with his wife. He was confused as to whom he was spending his time with.
The mistress, Emily Cox, has a porn star name. That isn't relevant to the story at all, other than that she sounds like she makes adult films.
So John began a long and vomitous relationship with the two wildebe ah hum--I mean women. This love triangle played out in the spotlight and so it was no surprise that in 2005 John entered the Weekly World News' "Love Rat" competition. Supposedly, Christine made an exception for Ms Cox to start sleeping with her husband. She also bought the girl a house on their property and they shared tea time on Fridays and a man on the weekend. But, before long John was spending more time with Emily than with Christine. Cue the sappy horror love story music.
This enraged the wife so to show her disapproval of an affair that she enabled and allowed for several years, she finally threw her husband out of the main house and into the guest one she bought for Emily, in September 2010. For 4320 long minutes, Christine lived the life of a single mother that owned the house her husband and his mistress lived in. Things were great until Christine went to deliver her husbands mail.
That was when she saw that she wasn't the only thing he had replaced. Seeing a four month old kitten set her off in a rage and she crept under a window and grabbed the cat and fled the property. A CCTV captured the whole event.
When questioned by police she was quoted as saying "this kitten comes up to me and starts rubbing itself on my leg and I basically thought, not only has he replaced me but he replaced our cats."
She would later deny saying that to police and claim the whole day as a blur.
That's why she was so shocked that yesterday they found her guilty of a crime. After all, if she technically pays for the house...can she be guilty of trespassing? But apparently the courts didn't agree and she was released on bail until sentencing can be arranged.
It just goes to show that no likes it when you take their pussycat.