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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Starting Christmas With a Bang

Nothing helps ring in the Christmas spirit like an AK-47 and a fat guy wearing a red suit! That's the reason that I am happy with the decision of the Scottsdale Gun Club of Scottsdale, Arizona, offering parents the chance to get pictures of their kids posing with Santa and machine guns.
Visitors to the Gun Club posed with Santa in front of a very large mini gun and were given the opportunity to hold anything from pistols to modified AR-15s. The only thing that would have served as a better back drop would have been taking the pictures in front of a nuclear bomb. Maybe an image of the one's we dropped on Japan?
We know that all they wanted for Gunmas was enough ammo to conquer pre-school!
After all the only reason he keeps reindeer around is for target practice! What better way to celebrate a holiday devoted to peace on earth than by brandishing the most awesome death dealers ever invented? I mean think about it, peace is only ever achieved by completely obliterating ones enemies! So I think pistols and mistletoe should be sold side by side at places like Wal-Mart.
It could be a whole new marketing idea! Picture Remington advertising a new rifle - just in time for the holidays - using Santa and his elves!
I think there would be less problems on "Black Friday" if Santa was packing. The trip to the mall may need to start with the purchase of a bullet proof vest! Want that great deal on shoes, better dodge the shrapnel first!
It would be a serial killers dream to have Santa waving a 12 gauge at all the 7 year olds gathered in front of the tacky display they set up! I wonder if they would ask Santa to bring them new underwear after that?
Since it is a holiday that marks the birth of Jesus, one would ask "What would Jesus do" if he saw such a spectacle? Would he want to "forgive them all for they know not" how to properly calibrate a .357 and hit a running moose while driving a pick up truck at 65 miles an hour? Or would he set them on fire and let them burn in their own hells for taking a beloved pagan figure and making him ungodly?
Because nothing screams "Jesus" like a magical obese man with a bunch of small children elves who can be in every ones house at once delivering either rewards or punishments for the deeds performed the previous year!
Since Christmas now starts in April, it is safe to say that God must approve of this saintly figure being used in any number of ways...including as a terrorist deterrent!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Best Redneck Thanksgiving Ever

Nothing says Thanksgiving like dinner with loved ones! Picture this: the table is set, the best china is laid out, Grandma has her new teeth in, your uncle/cousin is not wearing flannel, and the Thanksgiving turkey raccoon is on the table with a cherry in it's mouth and stuffing shoved up it's ass!
And then Uncle Ricky goes around giving hugs to all the children just so he can cop a feel on all the prepubescents that are gathered together! And then Grandpappy starts passing around the moonshine and the guns to anyone old enough to walk.
After firing enough ammunition to sink a small oil tanker, everyone gathers around the table to eat. These dinners always go the same way: first one of your aunts gets drunk way too early and starts dancing on the table naked. This makes Uncle Ricky start ignoring the kids to spend time with his sister! Which is why I believe the holidays are great for bringing families closer to each other!
Then one of your estranged female family members tells your mother that she was a whore for stealing her boyfriend back in 8th grade. This soon escalates to the point where mom and weird cousin girl are yelling at each other and Uncle Ricky suggests taking the kids back to his hotel room for a nap! Somebody then throws a spoonful of mashed potatoes at Marvin, your sisters really scary ex-heroin addict boyfriend, who tries to stab the raccoon with a butter knife! Grandpappy falls over drunk face first into the sweet potato casserole while drunken naked aunt starts singing Brittany Spears "Oops I did it Again."
One of the nephews pours moonshine in the dogs water bowl, who, after drinking it, runs around in a circle three times before falling over into a coma.
Inevitably, someone would set the trash on fire by dropping a lit Pal Mal into garbage can. To the drunken relatives, the best way to deal with this is to toss the burning mess into the back yard.
About the time the yard is completely engulfed in flames, mom and random relative are brawling in the front yard. The dog is vomitting and Grandpappy may be dead. Ricky has taught the kids the meaning of lecherous. Aunt Trina is asleep on the pool table. The cops have been called and the house is on fire.
After the tazing is done, everyone promises to get together again at Cindy's house for Christmas.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Get The Concrete Out Of Your Ass

Plastic surgery is the miracle drug for ugly people. It allows freaks of nature to look almost human. And it can make the old look a little younger. Sure, overuse can make you look like a cross between a pug and a donkey - like Sarah Jessica Parker looks!
This extremely profitable business makes it's money by reminding us that we are all flawed but with enough botulism injected into our skin, we can all be works of art.
This is why I can't see why people are mad at Oneal Ron Morris. Oneal is a woman who was born a man who pretends to be a doctor. This is why one of my requirements for dating is born a woman and always remained that way...
So anyway, an unnamed woman decided she wanted to be a stripper. Now everyone knows there are two features men look for in strippers - and no, her eyes ain't one of them! This woman, whom I will call Macy, decided she needed a firmer ass in order to stand out in the club!
So, Macy did what any reasonable person would do - she found an ugly woman willing to operate on her in an office that looks remarkably like a double wide trailer for the cost of what hospitals charge for Q-Tips!
"Dr" Morris proceeded to perform a series of injections on Macy's derriere. Using state of the art technology (meaning a bunch of rubber tubes, a few needles, and a can of WD-40) Morris started the procedure. These injections consisted of mineral oil, tire sealant, and...cement? The most startling revelation is that Morris performed this same procedure on itself!!!
Morris allegedly told it's patient "If it gets too painful, don't worry we will inject some more until it works itself out." Isn't that how heroin addicts deal with pain? Keep injecting until it stops hurting?
Maybe the bags of QuiKrete in Morris's living room should have been reason enough to reconsider a surgery that costs less than a dinner for two at the Melting Pot. The cement mixer in the back yard should have been a warning sign as well!
This just goes to show you that if anyone ever says that Medusa is their inspiration, don't allow them to operate on you. This goes for people that allegedly say Gacy was a great role model as well - I'm looking at you Sandusky!
This is like one of those stories that sounds so ridiculous that it can't be true. This is probably why the poor girl (Macy) languished in pain for weeks before her mother took her to a REAL Doctor!
Doctors informed police and police spent a year looking for Morris. This is because Morris moved from trailer park to trailer park and couldn't be found. Morris also never had a working phone number...which is another sign that maybe they aren't a doctor. Morris was released on bond and asked not to work on anyone else's foundation until it's trial.
Let's recap: Macy wanted a rock hard ass, paid a tranny $700, and got exactly what she paid for. They say beauty hurts, but in this case it shows I don't have the stones to handle it.

Monday, November 21, 2011

I Can See Why You're Thankful

As we approach Thanksgiving, we must take the time to list out the many blessings in our life. In the spirit of being thankful, here is my list of things I am grateful for.
1. Weight appropriate clothing. People, I am not just saying fat people shouldn't try to wear clothing that is way too small for them, I am also saying you shouldn't wear clothes that are way too big for you either. If it is too small for you then you look ridiculous! It's like those Play Doh toys where all the dough is bulging out of every open orifice! And if it is too small, you look homeless. Buy clothes that fit! And if you don't look good in a bikini or without your shirt on, please save my eyes and don't go out in them! 'Look away,' you say, and Lord knows I have tried, but it's like a train wreck that I can't stop staring at!
2. Toys R Us. I am grateful that I can still go in one! Usually I get tossed out for turning the store into a race track and racing the power wheels vehicles around! One time, I got drunk and fell asleep in the Star Wars bed that they had on display. On another occasion, I ran around with a saddle on my back screaming "I'm a PONY!!" Or when on Halloween I tried to get all the hot, young mothers to try my candy!
3. Toys R Us continued. I am also grateful that doing any of those things will not get you labeled a sex offender.
4. Money Talks. It still amazes me what people will do for money. Want your girlfriend to dress like a sailor, sit in a tub full of Pepto Bismal, sing the theme song from The Gummi Bears as she clips your toe nails? You just have to figure out what carat is her selling price!
5. LOL Cats. Because these remind me I am NOT the strangest person alive.
6. Waking up. In places you can't remember going to and/or with people you have never met! Some of the best stories start of with "The last thing I remember is..."
7. Interviews. I like to go to random job interviews and answer the questions the way they "should" be answered. Question: "Why are you leaving your current job Mr. Samael?" Answer: "Well after I defecated on Dana's desk for not going out with me, I proceeded to slap a midget who was playing a french horn for Mandy's birthday celebration in the office next to mine. This led to someone throwing the cake out the window and me setting a desk on fire. I think I will be vindicated at the trial to see if the restraining order is upheld though."
8. Spelling. And by this I mean the names of your children. If you can't spell a name, then by all means do not name your child that! If I were a child whose name was Muklaiwkksl and that horrible mess was pronounced Terry, I would kill my parents. This is double for those parents who name their kids for fruits or after the bus stations they were conceived in!
9. Provocatively placed tattoos. Ladies, if you get a tattoo above your ass or on your chest, do not get pissed if that is all I look at while we have a conversation.
10. Drunken Homeless People. Whether you are taking a piss in the meat case at Publix or just yelling at that person walking with you whom only you can see, I will always see it and smile!
11. Automatic Carwashes. These things have saved me a bundle on my water bill. I just go to the closest one, strip down and insert 3 dollars and it scrubs me down, rinses me off and applies a nice waxy like lotion to preserve my skin tone.
12. Questions. I like to ask questions. This is especially true when someone asks me if I have any questions. Like the waiter at Outback. After reading off the specials, she wanted to know if my dinner party had any questions. Of course the answer is always "yes." So I proceeded to ask her where she got the really bad dye job she had in her hair. Then I asked her if she thought *insert random current event here* would have any impact on the lives of the Teletubbies.
13. Lingerie/Pajamas. If you are an attractive girl of any age over 18 but under 50, feel free to go to the mall or Wal-Mart wearing only crotchless underwear. Or that dominatrix outfit. I won't complain. Ever.
14. That Special Someone. Having someone in your life that makes you smile is worth all the money in the world.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I Remember You Fondling Me...I mean Fondly

A parent is up in arms in the great state of South Carolina over the use of first graders as massage therapists. Brenda Norris, proud grandparent, is angered that a teacher from Batesburg-Leesville Primary School (BLPS) made her six year old grand daughter rub her feet all day! I say that teacher is just trying to help her learn a trade! With this poor economy, teaching kids important skills can help in all aspects of life! This jot only helps her learn a marketable skill, but also teaches her the value of hard work! After all, the only reason Brenda found out was because the little girl came home complaining!
I think Brenda should teach her grand kids not to be such whiners! Think of all the other benefits from this - this girl will be ready for the stereotypical duties of being a wife! The demeaning actions of rubbing a strange woman's feet will prepare her for all the demeaning tasks her husband will make of her!
It's just the new way to handle the vo-tech program!
If I had known that this was the easiest way to get a massage, I may have stayed working in the education industry!
In other news from the great state of South Carolina, Dr. Daniel Caddell is accused of groping two female patients. But I think he was just checking for lumps and vaginal elasticity while they were under anesthesia. These women should be thanking him for being so concerned! If he had found cancer, would these women be complaining? Maybe this should be considered preventative maintenance!
It's not like it is motivated by lust, because this is a man in a position of trust! He would never betray that to cop a feel on a woman paying him to cop feels! Otherwise that would make him a high priced prostitute that can prescribe penicillin to make the burning go away!
The health care industry already screws us over by charging us $900 for a Q-Tip, so at least these women got something in return...Most likely crabs!
Dr. Caddell is completely surprised by these accusations, probably because the roofies he usually prescribes suppress all memory! Maybe he should have bought American!
Many patients have come in to stand up for Daniel, probably because it was the only action many of them had gotten in a long time!
South Carolina I love this new progressive teaching and healing techniques, just make sure not to rub me the wrong way!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Easy Access Jail Bait

America, sexy is something learned young in our great civilized nation, which is why I can't understand why parents are up in arms about merchandise for sale at a children's clothing store in Greeley, Colorado.
The controversy started when Erin french took her young daughter to the "Kids N Teen" clothing store. "Kids N Teen" caters to young women under the age of 14 and is the height of fashionable trends. But Erin disagrees with their idea of what is fashionable. See, Erin feels that "Kids N Teen" is marketing clothing that is too sexy to girls to young to understand what that means. But I say, who is Erin to judge! She's not a fashion consultant. She doesn't even work in the fitting rooms at Wal-Mart! Just because "Kids N Teen" wants to sell crotchless panties to impressionable young girls doesn't mean they are pushing boundaries that shouldn't be crossed!
"Kids N Teen" is crossing boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. What's next - sex toys inspired by Saturday morning cartoons? Dildos coming in Hello Kitty or He-Man variety? Cotton Candy flavored lube?
This would be like McDonald's offering sex toys with their Happy Meals. Would give a new meaning to the idea of a Happy Ending,  wouldn't it?
Can you imagine the commercials on Nickelodeon? Maybe a Care Bear or Sponge Bob could help promote them! Or maybe My Little Pony could be used to help her get used to the idea of riding one!
Sure, every teen magazine over sexualizes young girls and even Hanna Montana posed naked for Vogue while her dad oogled her, but is this a trend that should be capitalized on?
After all, I have a hard time getting my girl friend to wear that kind of stuff now in her 30's, she probably wouldn't want to at all if she had been wearing it since 12! As Erin points out "They are sized for 7 year olds!"
I say figure a way to sell this stuff to adult women! Or better yet to convince them to completely go without!
This kind of marketing is why that guy from Penn State and the Pope think pedophilia is OK! It's no wonder that people in this country have so many messed up views about sex and sexuality!
I should go to Colorado and burn that building to the ground! Of course, then I would be the criminal and they would sell more questionable merchandise to kids due to publicity...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Smells Like True Love

For years men have been called pigs, and now...we can smell like one! Earlier this year, fragrance maker Fragginay introduced Bacon - the cologne for men. After all there is already bacon flavored dental floss, Denny's has an ice cream sundae topped with bacon and syrup, and some cultists use it as clothing, so why should it be so hard to think of it as a fragrance?
The Bacon Cologne comes in two varieties: Maple and Citrus. The Maple Bacon has slight hints of syrup to appeal to food-a-philes and fat people alike! It mingles the apple wood scented pork treat with the sweet sticky smell of money in the bank! The citrus is for the healthier minded bacon lovers and brings to mind the smells of a fruit dish breakfast with a small bacon treat as an indulgence.
This product could revolutionize the perfume industry! Which is why it should have been a perfume!
Ladies, if you were to put this on, you would never be lonely. That's because every man, dog, lion, bear, etc, would be trying to "eat you up!" Just think of all the attention you would have! Plus, it would create the false idea that maybe you could cook! He would take one whiff and think, "my God, this girl got up and made  a real breakfast before our date! I am marrying her!" That's because the fastest way to a man's heart is through his rising cholesterol!
Using pork products as bait isn't new anyways! My grandparents used to tie a pork chop around my neck just to get the dog to play with me!
Now that Fargginay - which off topic sounds a lot like Chardonnay when said aloud - has created this new cologne, they should work to release the more feminine version like: Bacon with Eggs for Women!
Then they should move to make the following new scents:
1. Does the Dishes - for Men. This heady aroma will smell faintly of Dawn dish detergent. Guys, if you put this on, she will know you aren't afraid to get dirty - just so you can get cleaned up!
2. Buffalo Wild Girl Sauce. This fragrance will make every man know that you won't bitch about his need for Football. And he may also think you work at Hooters.
3. Newly Born Love - for Men. Guys this romantic fragrance smells lightly of Johnson and Johnson Baby Shampoo and baby powders. She will know instantly that you are father material after one whiff and will rush to have your babies!
4. Grenadier - for Ladies. Girls. I will admit there isn't a smell I find sexier than the smell of gun oil and powder. Mix this tantalizing concoction up and wear liberally and I will be your own personal lap dog.
5. Born to Run Free - for both. This could be a unisex cologne that would appeal to cowboys and cowgirls everywhere. Smelling like all things horse related this heady and musky scent would remind her that you need to be ridden and remind him that you won't fence him in. That is a win win!
Lushful Indulgence - for both. Another unisex cologne that appeals to the alcoholic in us all. The male version will come in three varieties: the first having hints of Merlot, and wild juniper berries, the second will be a faintly noticeable Reisling and the third heady musky Chardonnay with slight hints of oak. These wine inspired fragrances will make her want to drink you up! The one for you ladies will only come in one scent: Bourbon. After a single whiff he will think you are a sure thing and be ready to take you (as well as take advantage of you) out on the town.
So Fargginay, get on it! Don't let someone else steal your cash "cow."

The Irish Drinking Poem

I’m off to catch a Leprechaun
I’ll make him dance and sing a song
And we’ll have fun the whole nightlong -
Just me and my Leprechaun.

I’m off to catch a Leprechaun
The Emerald Isle is where I belong
Then we shall right all the wrongs -
Just me and my Leprechaun.

I’m off to catch a Leprechaun
I’ll make my wagers to the throngs
In drinking games we shall stay strong -
Just me and my Leprechaun.

I’m off to catch a Leprechaun
Its countryside spurs me like a prong
We’ll admire its beauty all yearlong -
Just me and my Leprechaun.

I’m off to catch a Leprechaun
To the rainbow I’ll run headlong
A pot of gold we’ll claim erelong -
Just me and my Leprechaun.

I’m off to catch a Leprechaun
My friends think I’m too headstrong
But this I’ve needed all along -
Just me and my Leprechaun.

I’m off to catch a Leprechaun
And maybe a girl before too long
My friends still say I’m hitting the bong -
Well, just me and my Leprechaun.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Today I Rode The Subway

Getting together with good friends can be a lot of fun. Until you get thrown out of a fast food place that prides itself on making fat people lose weight. Especially if you get thrown out 30 minutes after arriving.
The night started when I got to Subway and met my friends, Jim Sammons and Lauren Hunter. Jim proceeded to invite me to join him in "fairy land." He said something about playing with a pistol and colorful balls that would spray all over everything.
I had to respectfully decline.
Maybe his invitation was because a guy pulled up in a near identical car right before I got there. When I say identical, I mean the only thing about this vehicle that resembled mine was the color. After all my white Mustang looks EXACTLY like a white Prius that has a purple zebra license plate on the front. The hello kitty doll the driver had hanging from the rear view mirror was a nice touch. I think he may have just came from fairy land.
The owner of the car was in his straight guy disguise: a camouflage jacket, ball cap and jeans. So I can see Jim's confusion about whether all people that drive white cars have such tendencies.
As the conversation progressed I found out "Fairyland" is actually a bad name choice for a paintball range in Dothan, Alabama.
He then starts to tell another paintball story that was right from the script of Deliverance. Apparently the first time that he and his buddies went to fairy land, they had a run in with a toothless janitor at a rest stop near I-10. The best stories always begin with "This one time at the truck stop..." So anyways, Jim tells me how this career custodian was the local paintball guru and knew the fastest way to get to fairy land. The directions were straight from "The Hillbilly Handbook."
Jim: Yeah, my friends and I need to go the paintball range.
Toothless: You like the paintball boy? Well the paintball is a place of orgasmic beauty where only the person with the firmest determination can win.
Jim: Umm yeah. So anyway the lady at the counter said you could help us get there?
Toothless: Cause if you don't have a hard heart you will wind up a flaccid piece of waste blowing in the wind and eaten by wolves.
Jim: Yeah I just need an address, I have a GPS....
Toothless: Take the right by the ole hollow and drive til the road dead ends and there you will find an enchanted moonbeam and by the way boy you shore do have a purty mouth.............
Knowing the man to be of the reputable sort, Jim and company ignored the banjo playing in the background and raced along the back roads to find this paintball mecca.
This is the point when Jim tried to convince me to go out with him. It was when I made the above joke where I asked him "why he was asking me to look at his pretty and colorful balls but there was no way I wanted to play with his pistol," that his fiance spit her sandwich all over me. I think she may have been choking but I was too busy dodging bread crumbs and Jim was too caught up in his story! I am sure that shade of purple wasn't created from her makeup!
After Lauren fell over into her chips, Jim and I then put on a musical number about the beauty of man-hand relationships and after our dance number we were tossed from Subway. They didn't even let us sing about the best lotions to use or how to make chaffing less painful! But at least they let me talk about how I enjoy having my nipples dipped in cocktail sauce and then licked clean by a shrimp. I call it the "Bubba Gump!"
But all in all a Good Sunday Night!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

These "Losers Suck D***"

I have been told that there is nothing like tripping on acid. Fans of LSD tell me that, barring the occasional (and by occasional they mean frequent) bad trips, it is a great drug to promote awareness of the truth that is around us. Occasionally that truth has freed ourselves and express ourselves in new ways. It makes us break social conventions and share with all of the earth's creatures.
Which is why I can't understand why authorities are upset with Nicolas Modrich and Jamie Hughes. Sure these 25 year olds "broke the law" by using an illicit substance. But it was just to learn higher truths! The highest of these truths would be that life is better naked. The second truth being that every living being has the right to learn this truth - including the family dachshund! 
So Nick and Jamie did the only thing this crazy couple could do while tripping balls naked - they fed their dog, Oscar, a hit of acid on a gummy worm! Now, most people in Georgia have gotten their pets drunk before, so really what could be the harm? However, the dog didn't handle the hallucinogen very well and must have experienced a bad trip. Because soon after taking the hit, Oscar began to whig out! I can only imagine what he may have been seeing. Perhaps a giant cat was chasing him! Oscar began to run in circles before tearing out of the house - biting Nicks mom and brother in the process! 
Now the question becomes: "How did the dog get outside of the house to begin with?" Well after Nick and Jamie took the LSD, Nick also began to freak out and he ran from the house screaming about spiders and Kermit the Frog. Jamie, worried about her naked boyfriend, chased after him - sans clothing. They ran for several blocks down the street giving the neighbors a chance to really get to know them, before Nick finally calmed down and realized the rainbow connection wouldn't alter his sexuality. 
Being the responsible adults they are, Jamie and Nick made sure that their newly adopted puppy was secured in the house before going for a naked mile run.
 Police, arriving by an anonymous call from a neighbor, were greeted at the door by Nick, wearing only a pair of socks, and Jamie, who had managed to put on pants by this point. Nick and Jamie confessed to having smoked a lot of weed and to the fact that they were tripping on acid. Nick must not have been too impressive, as officers didn't shoot him for answering the door with a weapon pointed at them!
Perhaps they were too busy laughing at Nick coming up a little short, or perhaps they were too upset about poor Oscar.
Because, Oscar, unfortunately, managed to escape from their imprisonment, which consisted of half closing the door, while they were jogging and he too ran off down the street.
The sad side of this story is that poor Oscar was hit by a car and later died in the veterinary clinic. It's unfortunate that neither Nick or Jamie was struck by the vehicle in the poor animal's place.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

They Weren't Shooting Blanks

Anyone that knows me, knows this is one of my all time favorite holidays. I mean, what's not to love: you have beautiful women in sexy costumes, ghost stories, and beggars knocking on your door asking for candy with the threat of egging your house if you refuse.
Today's news story comes from the state of South Carolina, from the sleepy little town of Aiken - located a few miles from Augusta, GA. A 28 year old woman thought that confiscating candy from two 10 year olds would be as easy as taking candy from a baby! See readers, what you must understand is that Aiken is like any other small country town: quiet, relatively crime free - and armed to the teeth.
So it should have been no surprise that when this woman demanded the little kids give her their candy that they would refuse. It should have also been no surprise that they would both produce 9mm handguns and try to ward off their attacker.
That's right, the mugger thought she was getting a treat and instead learned that these boys didn't think this trick was funny.
Allegedly one of the boys exclaimed, "No you're not bitch!" and then he produced the Tech 9 automatic handgun.
At this point the 28 year old backtracked quickly and soon after cops were called and the guns were taken in to police custody. The woman claimed she knew the kids and was just joking with them. Because why admit to the police you planned to steal junk food from people more than half your age, right?
I am all for this demonstration of why we need to carry guns. These 10 year olds weren't out waving them around at friends or teachers and causing problems! No, they were just defending themselves from would be thieves! I say, let these boys have their guns back! Its obvious that their parents, who I would assume would be trick or treating with young children - like any responsible parent - were out with them anyway! So, if they trusted them enough to be packing, why do we feel the need to take that right away from them? Sure the law says you have to be 21 to own a handgun, but technically they didn't "own" them, they just borrowed them along with several clips of ammunition.
Readers, if we can't trust our children, children who already show great promise and responsibility in the third grade, to safely handle death dealing firearms, then what can we trust them with? Crayons? Maybe a microwaveable dinner? Of course not, you have to start small before you jump into such complicated things as trying to program the DVR! It's much, much easier to shoot someone than it is to stay inside the lines!
I think these boys should be given a medal!
There are other implications to consider as well! Look at this failing economy and this could be just the idea to jump start it! Imagine the "H&K - Glock Daycare Training Facility." This could be the place that you drop infants off to be taken care of while you work! Besides changing diapers, they could teach firearms safety! Or how to shoot to kill using a weapon that is possibly bigger than they are!
There could also be training videos! Similar to those kids that sing famous peoples songs off key - we could watch as Mickey Mouse and a group of kids compete in shooting exercises that culminates in blowing the hell out of terrorists!
America, this is your casting call. We were built on the idea that all men were created equal and we all had the right to bare arms. Since I can't recall either of those having age requirements, then we have no choice but to let our babies carry concealed.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Roses Are Red, The Stems Are Green. This Is The Coolest Poetry, I've Ever Seen

Folks, it has been a long time since I have found an author who has so touched me. An author who has just held me in a death grip. Because the writing was holding me by the balls. I think that may very well be a line from one of her poems.
Author Jennifer L Knox of Brooklyn is a poet anyone could love. Her book A Gringo Like Me is probably one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Thankfully, another radiant beauty handed me a copy of the book and suggested I read it. And I am glad I did.
Maybe it's because I can relate to so much of what she has written. A rush of elation hit me when I saw her poem "Cruising For Prostitutes" - I have done that so many times! It's refreshing to know that I am not the only one! Of course, after reading it I realized that she was planning to take a cruise with a prostitute but that was still kind of cool. I know several on 10th street who would love to see the Western Caribbean!
Then there was another of my favorite poems in this collection - "Hot Ass Poem." It's a poem about how awesome it is to stare at human's (and in some cases non-human's) asses and that it's OK to give in to your desires to touch them. (I just tried this at the bus station on a 30 something year old woman who was trying to breastfeed her child. At the time, neither she nor the cops could understand that I was caught up in performance art. But, I know that she will fully appreciate how awesome it was by the time we have the court date for the assault charge.) In yet another Knox poem, she talks about how she "loves to masturbate." It's amazing how much you will find she has in common with her readers! And I am sure everyone has had a holiday similar to her "The Best Thanksgiving Ever." In this poem everyone gets drunk and naked. I call this Saturday.
But her writing doesn't just help you relate to your feelings, it is also informative. "The opposite of an otter is William Shatner." I had no idea that Captain Kirk was the antonym for a type of weasel! I also bet that you didn't know that "the opposite of Nazis is Jell-O wrestling for children." So ladies, go forth and wrestle in Jell-O for the benefit of children lest you be declared a Nazi! I have a kiddie pool filled with the stuff if you would like to stop by, I don't know, say on a Friday night, to prove that you aren't one of Hitler's youth.
 She also taught me what constitutes a proper student teacher relationship in "Chicken Bucket" by saying, "My teacher, ... gives me a dime of free crank and then we have sex." That's advice I can halfway follow!
She can also help you deal with new co-workers. In her poem "Ode to the New Girl at the Office," she tells us that learning your new co-workers name doesn't matter because she won't be there long, anyway.
So readers, buy the book! And if you would like more information on Ms Knox you can click here to go to her website.
I leave you now to think on all that you have read, and, in the words of Ms Knox, "I'd like to give you all the opportunity to behold the wonder of my incredible nipples."

Now I Can't Catch A Cold

Inspired by a beautiful woman, I have taken to reading more. Although I don't think Kevin Trudeau's "Natural Cures They Don't Want You To Know About" is what she had in mind. The book is author Kevin's way of telling you things that aren't particularly important and then selling it to you for $29.99. His cover claims over 6 million sold, but I wonder if he knows about my copy which I purchased from Goodwill for 82 cents.
Kevin offers brillant advice on topics such as "How to never get sick again" and "why people are fat."
Since it is flu season and his advice is about as useful an empty bottle of shampoo, I decided to hit the highlighs of his chapter on "how to never get sick again."
Kevin first warns us that our bodies are being bombarded by cosmic radiation every day. This sounds cool because isn't that how the Fantastic Four got their powers? He claims that by watching TV, being affected by satelites and using your cell phone is actually making you sick. I agree, I get sick everytime I see what Verizon charges me for all those services.
He then teaches what parts of the body releases toxins. He uses bullet points to name the body parts as if it is leading into something dramatic, but after bullet pointing "the mouth, the nose, the urinary tract, the colon," and "the skin" he merely starts talking about grape juice.
I guess his bullet points are helpful if you forgot the words to that song about the knee bones being connected to the leg bones.
He also says it is vital to get 15 colonics done in a single month as well as get every type of cleanse done. I wonder if I could have them all done in the same day?
He then begins to list out things one should to never get sick again. His words are in bold. I'm keeping his numbering, but because he numbers several things as number 10, in some cases I am using the page number as his numbering.
1. See natural health care providers on a regular basis. Because the guy that sells you powdered deer penis is much cheaper than the one that can prescribe you prozac. I'm sure paying a hippy once a month to give you some spanish fly is much safer than Viagra.
2. Stop taking prescription and non prescription drugs. That's right Grandma. Kevin (who obviously is an MD) says you don't need your blood pressure medication so just stop.
4. Check your body pH. Do I use the same gimmick I use to check the pH level's in my pool? And if it's not balanced should I drink some chlorine to fix that?
10. Use a rebounder. I didn't think casual sex was the best way to stay healthy between relationships but obviously he is the expert.
143. Stop smoking. Brillant. Because the Surgeon Generals warning isn't enough, Kevin gives us this amazingly new insight.
171. Have sex. I guess since he already mentioned casual sex with a rebounder, this one should be expected. I can't really knock this piece of advice though so...moving on.
144. Don't drink tap water. That's because Kevin owns stock in Nestle and since they own the largest water distributor in the world, you are helping ensure he can retire.
151. If you can't eat it, don't put it on your skin. So, see I was right right about the bacon scented perfume!
153. Do not use antiperspirants or deodorants. Because body odor is the natural way of clearing your sinuses.
152. Do not use sunblock. This is because skin cancer is a myth made up by the mole-people in order to get everyone used to looking like an albino.
156. Avoid dry cleaning. Now Kevin, just because Mr Wong couldn't get that particular "stain" out of her blouse is no reason to bash the whole industry.
159. Get natural sunlight. As I am allergic to natural light, this piece of helpful advice would most probably kill me. But I think that is your goal all along after all you just told people not to use sunblock and then to go out into the sun.
164. Reduce electromagnetic chaos. Chaos is bad. Especially when it is magnetic and electric.
166. Get a magnetic mattress pad. I guess magnets aren't bad - only chaotic ones.
171 part 17. Listen to nice music.But Kevin isn't this subjective?  I think AC/DC is pretty nice as is NIN.
171 part 13 & 14. Avoid the news. This way when the world denounces me as a crock, you will never hear about it and will continue buying my books.
173. Do not use an alarm clock. This way when you are late to work, just blame Kevin. tell your boss that your "doctor" told you to get rid of the alarm clocks so that you could properly sleep and function the next day.
174. Dance and sing. I say do this right after having sex with a rebounder or perhaps before having regular sex with anyone else.
175. Do dianetics/scientology. it all makes sense...this is one of those whack jobs like Tom Cruise that believes the work of fiction writer L Ron Hubbard is in fact a true story....