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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Call Me Masochistic, But I Think We Bonded

Have you ever wanted to duct tape a child's mouth shut to make it be quiet? Well Kayla Alumnia and her husband Frankie, are also subscribers to this philosophy and they have the pictures on Facebook to prove it! They not only have pictures of their children (ages 2 years and 10 months) bound and gagged, but also suspended upside down while strapped to inversion equipment!
I call these pictures fun and friendly entertainment, but not everyone seems to agree with me...seems someone on their friends list called the po-po...and the law seems to think these pictures that were obviously taken in jest, as child abuse! Couldn't they see that the duct tape over their mouths was just a poor man's substitute for a pacifier? And from what I have been told, the children's hands were bound because they were cold!
And as for the inversion machine? Well, I think it is scientifically proven by people who aren't scientists that being upside makes you less colic"y". So everything they did, they did for the benefit of their children and not as some punishment! I think the only crime is that they can't remove these people from their friends list! It makes you wish that instead of sending a poke, you can send a brick to the face!
And they certainly didn't do it because they derived some kind of pleasure from this act? I mean, what kind of freak would enjoy bondage? Okay...other than that guy!
Sure the kids were young, but you have to start early if you want fetishes to stick! Police found several images of the kids bound and gagged and claimed that in some of them the kids "did appear to be extremely frightened and fearful and in a later one appeared to be crying." Police claim that the pictures looked traumatic for them, but maybe they were crying because they just found out their Me-Maw died! Or that Scruffy was hit by the pizza delivery man! I say that those kids needed to suck it up! If they can't handle a little embarrassment right now, then they will never be handle to handle the shit life will throw at them later.
Besides, how many of you would love to do this to a smart-mouth teenager? I think this punishment would be much more effective than grounding them!
But these heroes aren't the only ones to get in trouble with Johnny Law for posting pictures like these. Andre Curry was investigated in early December of this year for posting a picture of his baby girl bound and gagged on Facebook with a caption that read "This is wut happens wen my baby hits me back ; ) ." The picture can be found on ABC News. I can't agree with you more Andre! I say that's how we should treat any child that back talks it's parents or gets violent!
And back in October of 2010, prosecutors in Nevada released pictures of a teen mom and her boyfriend duct taping their kid to a wall! Chuckie Cheese charges $25 an hour for that service!
I think, we as a nation, have become much to sensitive in these kinds of issues! I mean, what kind of harm could possibly befall these kids - outside of the mental anguish and the physical pain of removing the tape! The worst result I could think of would be if the adhesive wore off and they fell off the wall!
And I don't think this type of punishment should be limited to just toddlers...why can't we use this for hardened criminals? How much "street cred" would a guy have if the warden had pictures of him bound and gagged? It wouldn't matter if he smiled or cried, because everyone in the prison would call him Sally! He would get a lot of friends!
So America, let's free the Almunia's! We should encourage this type of discipline! After all, don't we want our kids to grow up submissive, right? Instead of beating these trend setters, let's bond with them and instead of being slaves to a liberal media, let's reject the shackles of serfdom and be free of the servitude to things like common sense.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Are You Still Playing With Dolls?

I love educational toys! And now at Toys R Us I can buy one that teaches language skills! The You & Me Interactive Play And Giggle Triplets retail for $39.99 and are a Toys R Us exclusive. These dolls can cry, laugh and call you a crazy bitch!
Actually only the pink doll refers to people as crazy bitches and it even calls its sisters that as well! The website says "Play with them to make them laugh," but forget to give Susie her crack pipe and hilarity will ensue! The company's website has been flooded with complaints from parents and grandparents and creepy guys that still play with collect dolls. The company behind the dolls plans to release a teenage version next holiday season that will tell it's parents to "f*** off*. Maybe for the following spring toy line they could market Big Daddy Z, a doll that vaguely resembles a pimp and could say cute little things like "bitch bring me my money" and "don't make big daddy slap a ho." These new dolls could teach children how much they are worth if they are being sold by a ridiculously dressed man on 10th street. It would also help children learn about percentages, because the doll would slap anyone that didn't pay up the proper amount! Or maybe they could make Mary the Meth Maker! Mary would come with all the basic ingredients to let children create a meth like substance! This could teach kids chemistry basics, as well as fire safety - because meth tends to explode! Toys R Us has adamantly refused to pull the dolls from their shelves. This is most likely due to the fact that the chain needs as much money as they can get, because let's face it...lately Toys R Us sucks!
Another educational toy headed our way is sure to make pedophiles everywhere jump for joy! Breast Milk Baby is a new toy aimed to teach young girls (around age 6) how to properly breast feed a child! Because teaching a child how to get another child to suckle the breasts they don't have is important! The toy makes a sucking sounds and it cries when it wants to be fed! This is accomplished by letting it latch on to a special flower titty! The doll, made by Spanish based company Berjuan Toys, is currently only available online, but the company is attempting to get the doll into toy stores everywhere! I suggest they start with Toys R Us, because they have no morals that would prevent them from selling this type of product! At least Berjuan Toys stopped their alleged production of Little Oral Annie!
Many respectable people have weighed on this toy - people like Bill O'Reilly! And everyone knows that he is morally upright and honest in all things, right?
Honestly, I don't see what the fuss is over the Breast Milk Baby - after all we have dolls that piss themselves, need to be fed, whine, cry and steal your credit cards so this is the natural step in the evolution of things!
I think it would be better to have a doll that does all of those things instead of having to buy several that perform those functions individually! And perhaps make the flower titties excrete "milk."
For those looking to buy the toy, hope exists! Berjuan Toys is taking the Breast Milk Baby to the one place that stands a chance of giving it the green light: Las Vegas! Berjuan hopes that the city's many hookers will buy the toy for their daughters.
These novel new toys are teaching our kids values that are needed to survive in this modern world! Now if only Nintendo would hurry and release "Welfare Mama" and "Trauma Center : OB-GYN Edition" on the Wii...

Special thanks to Satia for bringing this story to my attention!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Laughing At You Is The Best Medicine

Folks, I have found the perfect sport! Well, maybe sport is a bit much...I guess it's more of an exercise.

It combines my love of the outdoors with my love of laughing at the neighbors. That's right everyone - I love laughter yoga!
See, instead of caroling this year, me and a group of friends and family wandered the neighborhood while spinning in circles and laughing hysterically while pointing at the neighbors. Sometimes you are supposed to make scary fingers and laugh while doing this!
The way it works is - you pay a Laugh Captain to stare you in the eyes and act in child-like playfulness while they fake laugh. This is supposed to make you fake laugh and since people can't tell the difference between fake laughter and real laughter...everyone starts laughing! These chortling pilots get paid $75 an hour to make faces like those parents make at babies and to giggle like they were just freed from the asylum!
The Laughing Yoga people believe in the healing power of laughing for no damn reason that would have gotten one locked up a few decades ago! They also encourage you to get over your past pains by laughing at them! Your dog was run over by a truck - HAHA! You lost your grammy - HAHAHA! See, it's that easy! And they say the more painful the memory, the stronger the laughter that can come from it!
For instance let's say as a little kid, your only friend was a small goat that your parents told you was going to be eaten in a couple of years. Then you have to watch in horror as they butcher this animal you raised and took care of! Then you eat dinner one night and mom asks you if the feelings you had for Fluffy made it taste better! Instead of years of therapy and depression, you should just laugh at that memory like I would laugh at you if you told me this had happened to you!
This made me think that I should spread this form of yoga to all corners of the globe!
I started my mission at a local nursing home! I stared old people down while I pointed, laughed, and bounced around like a bunny on meth! This lasted all of 8 minutes before I was escorted off the property...undaunted I went to the hospital and tried again! At the hospital, a few of the psych ward patients joined in and followed me through the hospital as we laughed at the other people there! As we traversed the hospital room by room we were joined by security that tried to help stimulate our laughter. This new layer of electricity made most of us laugh even harder as members of our group spasmed on the floor as if they were having a seizure! Knowing any of us could be next, we formed a fast moving Conga line towards the front door!
Still not put off, I went to a playground and made scary fingers and stalking movements to all the little kids that were present! You should have seen the looks of joy on their faces and on the faces of all their parents! Some of those parents were quick to run up to me and ask what it was exactly that I was doing! I merely made a silly face and laughed harder!
It is at this point I learned that laughter isn't always contagious and that you can die from laughing if someone is beating you to a pulp while you are doing it! 

Monday, December 26, 2011

Up Up and Get Away

Inside all of us lurks a mighty force! A force that if harnessed could create a powerful superhero! And Patty Owen and Harold Ladino learned this many years ago. And so faster than a speeding bull frog, they created lives more powerful than the crazy train and leapt off the tallest buildings to become Shanti and Arjuna.
I first learned about these two when I watched a Wife-Swap marathon on television tonight. On this episode, a mild mannered conservative family in the Mid-West is introduced into a woman dressed like a stripper in a cape,  while the conservative mother is thrust into a world of costumes and workshops to teach you to become a superhero!
It was these workshops that caught my interest! I had to know what they entailed so I sought out the truth...
The first workshop that they offer is called the Superhero Playshop. This is a program designed to turn you from a shy, but normally functioning adult into a costumed freak that believes he has super powers but is able to express himself! This workshop is geared for people wondering why they came into this world but needed a better answer than "my parents didn't choose an abortion?" Harold (AKA Arjuna) considers himself a Tantra Instructor and during this workshop he will help you "explore your passions." I would think it would be awesome to talk about passion with a man that dresses like Wonder Woman and washes his family's dishes while wearing fairy wings! They claim that the skills learned in this workshop help with parenting, sex and relationships - and nothing will help ensure  that there is no sex faster than taking a girl to the movies while wearing a skirt, a blue wig, and a polka-dotted cape!
Maybe Phoenix Jones (AKA Ben Fodor) took their course and that is why he took to fighting crime in Seattle. PJ was arrested and taken to court after he broke up a fight using pepper spray! Only when the judge ordered it did PJ remove his costume!
But back in the world of Shanti and Arjuna, there are many other workshops that they offer.
One of these is called the Love In. I think this is hosted by Austin Powers. It teaches dating and sex advice to anyone that will seriously listen to them. For $750 Shanti and Arjuna show up in full costume! Of course if you don't want the full experience for a mere $500 they will come dressed like a normal person - and who wants that! They call this a "sexy meet and greet" that helps sexy singles mingle!
For people looking to explore their inner feminine side or get more in touch with their masculinity, the superhero couple offer courses tailored to these individual ideas! Pink Tea Talk is hosted by Arjuna the fairy wing wearing maid Shanti with a few pop-ins by her allegedly straight husband Arjuna. Rock training hosted by the uber-masculine Arjuna helps men find their "inner masculinity."
They also offer Scare workshops that are the most appropriately named workshops on the list as the sight of a man in make-up and a dress talking to me about feelings would scare the hell out of me!
The last service they offer is called Ecstatic Relationships. I have no idea what this involves, but I think you have to take a hit of X to participate! I must be on to something because I think these two are tripping on acid. After all, Arjuna told the conservative woman on Wife-Swap that he can fly but only when he's in the mood which at the moment he was not. Maybe if conservative mom had given him some blow he would have jumped into traffic to show off his invulnerability!
Packages range from $150 to $750 depending on how gullible you are! I plan to waste my life savings on the 2 hour photo option with additional make-up artist!
Perched atop the rooftops, I, the Bountiful Blogger, will use my super powerful insight to show the world how ridiculous it is to wander around town in tights.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Redneck Family Gathering - The Sequel!

The family gathering for Christmas is always a big deal - especially for the kids! This time of the year is useful in keeping them in-line because of the threat of no brightly wrapped packages. But just because your little hellions are good for the weeks after Thanksgiving, doesn't mean they will stay good once those gifts are in their hands!
Which is why I am surprised that I was the only one not surprised that "sweet, little Johnny" tried to stuff the cat into his sister's Easy Bake Oven! Sure in Johnny's defense, cat does taste real good with some duck sauce, but Felix should at least be euthanized first! Of course, Johnny tried that hours later using the BB Gun that one of my genius family members thought was appropriate for a child that tended to try and cook his pets! 
For me the best part of the Christmas experience is watching the kids open their gifts! I always hand them presents to open from relatives that I know made them sweaters! Watching the pure "joy" that comes over their faces as they see a polka dotted or lime green and fluorescent orange stripe sweater makes me feel ecstatic! I always find out which are the best gifts and then proceed to torture the children through the many minutes of opening underwear! 
Hours after the Cat Cake incident and before Johnny's hunting trip, most of the toys that these kids have gotten are now broken and scattered and people without shoes are screaming obscenities from stepping on them. Which leads to Billy Bob, my  40 year old, weird bachelor cousin trying to repair them all using duct tape. 
Billy Bob thinks you can fix everything with duct tape and this is made apparent whenever you look at his truck in the front yard. The passenger window has been missing for three years and in its place is camouflage colored duct tape!
Everyone seems to forget that we could return any of the broken stuff with the receipts and instead let 'ole Billy void the warranties by taking stuff apart and reconnecting it with his favorite bonding agent.
Meanwhile, the adults are now bickering over the money spent on presents. Tim forgot the $10 maximum and bought his poorer brother's kids an Xbox 360. Now his poor brother looks like a jack-ass that doesn't love his kids. Susie bought her husband all new hunting gear, he bought her a toaster. Grand pappy made moonshine again and is getting drunk setting off explosives in the back yard. Uncle Ricky is teaching the kids how to properly wear a ball gag. My newfangled gadgets get me accused of witchcraft and force me to hide my iPad before someone can perform an exorcism on it.
Finally after a few hours, we all gather around the table to eat dinner. This year we are having possum on the half shell AKA armadillo with a nice orange sauce. Aunt Mary Anne made her famous spam casserole and her husband is complaining that he won't have enough Vienna sausages to take deer hunting with him now.
We all start to talk to each other at the various tables. Discussions range from "look how fat Marty has got" to "Jimmy expects to be outta prison by Valentine's Day." 
Soon crying starts at the kids table because lil Johnny has poured syrup in lil Emmy's hair - this was after he pulled the head off her brand new Barbie doll! Which leads me to another realization, maybe we shouldn't do gifts first thing in the morning! Maybe we should wait until after the little hellions are fed and calmed down some! Emmy, angry about the syrup, flings her sweet potato casserole at another child at the table and this creates a full fledged food fight that spills over into the adults table. 
Uncle Ricky volunteers to bathe with - I mean bathe - the children. 
I merely shake my head and wonder what the evening could bring...last year we had rat races using rats we caught in the barn. The year before that we set one of the broken down cars in the front yard on fire. Before that someone thought it would be funny to hide grandma's teeth for the dog to find and wear.
Yes shaking my head now...and smiling...because I know that even though some of these people are inbred, we are all related.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

I Would Have Gotten You A Better Gift, But I Waited Til The Last Minute

I always wait til the last minute to go shopping for Christmas...and from the thousands of people at the mall, I must not be the only one! It's these thousands of other shoppers that make last minute shopping unenjoyable to me! Why can't people be more responsible, so that I don't have to fight crowds!
The trip to the mall starts with fighting over a parking spot. As I go to pull into a spot, a 90 year old woman cuts me off and takes my spot! Seeing the shocked expression on my face, this old lady proceeds to flip me off! Who does she think she is? Then I notice another space - this one closer to the door! I slam the gas and make a play for the new space! I even laugh as I cut off a van and pull into the spot!
Sure that guy in the wheel chair may be pissed that I took his pretty blue parking space, but I got this one fair and square!
Making my way into the mall, I start watching all these other shoppers doing what I am doing! At Victoria's Secret, two women were arguing over a pair of panties...clerks broke it up before hair pulling and Jell-O could be introduced!
Over at the Barnes & Nobles, a nerdy guy is discussing how the trek into Mordor is symbolic to our modern invasion of Iraq to a disinterested blonde that I assume is only with him until Christmas because the gift she bought him can't be returned and the one he bought her is measured in carets.
Over at Aeropostale, I ask the girl at the counter if the gift cards come in my size. She remarks that from the look of my bank account, probably not!
This reminds me that being broke = no fun! So I begin to fish quarters out of the center fountain! The key to fishing is always about using the right bait! So I borrow a three year old while his parents aren't looking and toss him in the fountain! I have him start handing me as much change as his little hands can hold until mall security shows up! I inform them that I have no idea who the child belongs to and I fall back into the crowd!
I make my way to the pet store and begin teaching the parrots to say "suck my nuts." One African Gray gets it right away!
After getting tossed out of the store because I kept asking people to put their hands down my pants to pet my snake, I Head over to Pier 1 Imports. Once there, I tell an employee I want to buy some shit made out of straw. Then I ask whether any of it was made in a sweat shop by little kids. The girl says she isn't sure how hot it was, but she was sure they had air conditioning!
At this point I am getting tired of walking around, and this is when I see a young mother pushing a stroller which gives me a great idea! I will hire someone to push me around the mall! I make my way to the information desk to rent a stroller big enough for me and possibly an illegal immigrant to push me around! The guy at the counter informs me that I should have rented my help from Home Depot because the mall doesn't offer that service...
Bummed, I depart the mall. Along the way I watch two elderly men beat each other with canes for the last container of Polident from the Dollar Tree.
Outside a rent-a-cop is writing a ticket for some jack-ass parked in a handicapped spot. I laughed until I realized that jack-ass was me...
Which makes me hate last minute shopping even more...

Thursday, December 22, 2011

There May Be No Free Lunch, But Christmas Can Be Free

Folks, we all know that as the holidays get closer, money gets tighter! And as time shuffles forward, children get older - which means the things that they want get more expensive! But worry not good readers, because I am here to help ease the pain  by showing you a new way to bite this bullet!
That's right...I am going to show you how to have a million dollar Christmas for less than 30 bucks!
First things first...Everyone knows that many businesses collect toys in the Toys for Tots program! And since we are all broke, we are all needy! So who better to collect and distribute all those toys to needy kids (like your own) than you?
So here's what you do...
First, go to your local army surplus store! Then get some military fatigues! Dress up like G I Joe and visit these businesses and collect all the toys! No one is going to question you dressed like that! Also, if you really want to complete the look, browse your local classifieds and see if anyone is selling an old army transport vehicle - I just saw one for sale today! Don't buy the truck just ask to test drive it and use that to pick up the toys!
Keep all the toys that you think your kids would like and return the rest to places like Wal-Mart for gift cards to give to your kids to buy the stuff they really want! After all, everyone knows Wal-Mart will refund anything with or without a receipt!
If you hit up enough stores you can get enough cash on gift cards to buy your whole Christmas event - dinner and all! But, if your morals only let you take enough to cover the gift side then move to the second step of My "Christmas Coupon Program."
The second step is a little more involved...it requires you to help out at the local food bank. I would suggest volunteering at least two weeks out from Christmas! This way you get a name tag! Now it is common knowledge that many large grocery store chains collect food for the food banks! Places like Publix Supermarkets actually take frozen turkeys and pans of stuffing as donations!
Drive to these grocery stores and pick up all the food they have collected throughout the day! If you are lucky you can get enough can goods to keep you fat for a year!
Now everyone likes to be photographed for Christmas, so this next step helps you get a family portrait! What you have to do is get caught doing either of the steps above and then you will be taken to your local police station! They will take at least two pictures of everyone involved in the Christmas Coupon Program, so make sure you involve your whole clan! They even put your name on each one of your pictures so that you can have these stamped onto coffee mugs to be given out as presents! They will even make sure you get some family time as you will be locked into a small cell with them!
Well that is my advice! I hope this helps you to get the most for your money this holiday season!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Stalking You From 30,000 Feet

Facebook has taken over most of our lives. To say that Facebook is THE prominent social network would be to underscore the more than 800 million users. Give or take 400 million users since many of the people that friend request me are porn stars or people with multiple personality disorder.
But regardless, the fact remains that Facebook is used by a majority of people and this presents many new business opportunities. Which is why I applaud Dutch airline company KLM.
KLM is taking profile stalking to the mile high club with their innovative new way of picking seats on their flights. Passengers link their Facebook profiles to their tickets and can then look at other passengers profiles to decide who they wish to sit next too.
KLM refers to this as a "bite sized date." I have to admit that the idea of being trapped in a confined space with a total stranger that only chose to sit next to me because they wanted to fondle me is kind of romantic. I see this being especially favorable for women! How many of you ladies wouldn't get excited to take a four hour flight next to a guy that thought you looked hot in your pictures and "wants to get to know you better" and unlike 'real' dates you can't just walk out on dessert! This sounds like every Facebook stalker's dream come true. I wonder if flight attendants will offer pepper spray along with the in-flight movie?
Imagine if we started using this method for other venues...
We could watch movies right beside people that we try to avoid! That guy that friended you on Facebook a few weeks back - well he's buying the theater seat right next to you! He's even booked your spot in the concession line! Employers and school officials could stop by the theater and see if you really are sick or if you are just skipping work by checking for your Facebook listing!
We could book seats at tables at restaurants this way too! Imagine going to the China Buffet and that guy that has been creeping you at work decides to book the chair at your table! Then you can have all those conversations that you have been running from since he started!
Or how about deciding when to shower at the gym based on who else will be showering at the time? That sounds like a great idea Gold's!
As privacy becomes a thing of the past all we can do is creep forward. Besides, it's not profile stalking if you are using that profile to find out where someone is going on vacation to ensure that you can fly alongside of them! 

I Was Hungry, But I Think I Will Have Some Blow

Some people do some strange things for family. But none of those requests can ever top what Wayne Joshua Mitchell, age 20, did to help keep his brother out of prison - he died! Usually when someone says they will die for you, they are just being poetic or melodramatic but not in the case of Wayne - no, he lived up to his word...just not literally.
Wayne Mitchell
And how, do you ask, did Wayne's death keep his brother DeAngelo out of prison? Well that is a long and complicated story!
It started out with a routine traffic stop. The car the brothers were in had a broken headlight and so the officers pulled them over. The officer immediately decided that they had probable cause to search the car, and so the officers on the scene placed the brothers in the back seat of a patrol car.
What happened next is like a scene from a horror movie. 
DeAngelo: I can't go back to prison man, if I do I will get life!
Wayne: What can I do bro?
DeAngelo: Okay. You know how you said you would do anything to keep my ass outta jail?
Wayne: Yeah, bro, I got your back!
DeAngelo: Well, I want you to take the ounce of cocaine that I shoved up my ass out of my ass and then...I want you to eat that shit.
Wayne: Wait...what?
DeAngelo: I'm gonna tell Grandma you put it up there if you don't do this bro!
DeAngelo Mitchell
Wayne: Alright man *retrieves cocaine and eats it* I love you Bro!
That's right...DeAngelo made his brother eat an ounce of cocaine that he had hidden up his ass! What part of that sounds like a good idea? I wouldn't eat an ounce of cocaine I had shoved up my own ass, much less an ounce that was shoved up someone else's ass! I guess if anyone ever wanted to know if he took a lot of shit off his brother, we now know the answer!
This also makes me never want to use cocaine...not because it's illegal...or addictive...but because it was most likely stored in someone's ass at some point and since this is a drug that you snort..you are basically putting your nose into a stranger's ass!
Anyways...back to our hero's story. Wayne took the cocaine from his brothers ass and then quickly ate it. Then he started convulsing and began having problems breathing and then an hour later - he was dead!
The toxicology report showed the cause of death - massive amounts of anal blow!
I think the best way to keep kids off drugs is to have a drug mule come into the schools and demonstrate how to pack an ounce of cocaine up his ass! I think that would keep most kids from ever wanting to try it! Unless they were born addicted to crack - then there might be a problem! 
You would never see a weedman shoving kush up his ass! What is it with the most expensive drugs being "packaged" this way? Is this why they cost more? Because you have to pay to have shit on your "shit?"
Maybe I am "blow"ing this out of proportion, but I will take my powder ass free!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I Scream For Ice Cream, You Scream Because I Sprayed Chemicals In Your Face

I love ice cream! And I love the ice cream man! Nothing makes me smile more than hearing "Pop Goes the Weasel" being played over and over by a slow moving van driven by someone I suspect to be a child molester!
But apparently, Andrea Chavez, age 65, disagrees with how soothing that whole situation is, because she is accused of beating the hell out of the woman driving the ice cream truck in her neighborhood. Your grandma may have got run over by a reindeer, but this one tackles large women and wails on them with her cane!
Wait...she didn't attack the driver because she assumed that she was a pedophile/deaf? So...why did this granny attack some random woman selling overpriced treats in Taylorsville, Utah? Because she felt the woman charged too much??
Apparently, Andrea thought the woman charged too much. And to show her displeasure she sprayed 'Mean Green' (a cleaning chemical) into the face of the unnamed driver. Law enforcement was immediately called and when officer Mike Ikemiyashiro tried to arrest her, Andrea threatened to "sock him in the jaw" and to "kick him in the dick" if he didn't let her go immediately.
I think we should have just let her get her senior citizens discount for her 'Rocket Pops' and 'Fudgsicles.' How dare that business woman set prices outside of some random crazy old woman's budget? I think this woman should have to make reparations to Mrs Chavez for the remainder of her life - which really can't be that long because let's face it...she's old!
Imagine if we dealt with every business that we felt overcharged us in the same manner as Andrea handled this lady! $50 for a lap dance - how about I spray you with Clorox Clean-up and you dance on that to the hits of Nickleback! The local Ford dealer wants you to pay $78 for an oil change - show that mechanic you mean business by assaulting him with Febreeze!
And maybe this can work in other ways...waitresses don't like that tip, then blanket your customers in Comet! Also, using chemicals, rather than mace, is a much more humane way to handle the occupy movement - plus it helps freshen the smell of people that haven't showered in days.
While Washington looks to help companies raise prices on the hard working folks of our country, people like Andrea are mopping the floor with high prices!

Friday, December 16, 2011

We Really Set Things Off

Folks, there are a lot of things we are called to do that we wish we could get out of. Things like jury duty, dinners with in-laws, and in the case of Bryant Brown - drug testing at the local probation office in Anchorage, Alaska.
The many elaborate excuses that come with avoiding things we don't want to do are varied and often extreme. We tell judges that we believe in the death penalty for walking and chewing gum at the same time! We fake appendicitis to avoid awkward family gatherings! And Bryant allegedly calls in bomb threats to avoid a piss test!
Taking a cue from high school students everywhere, Bryant supposedly called the probation office on both occasions that he was scheduled to appear for a drug test to confirm the presence of explosives! The spokesman for the Anchorage Police Station, Lt. Dave Parker, said that Bryant was the only person scheduled to appear on Nov. 22nd and 23rd. The only two days that bomb threats were called in!
Apparently in Alaska, people on probation are given a colored card with the police stations phone number on it. And these people have to call the station everyday to see what color it is! And if that color comes up, then that person has to go to the station for drug testing! They call it "Operation: Skittles - Testing for Rainbows, Blow, Weed, Meth, Etc."
Bryant was arrested yesterday after his scheme blew up in his face and is scheduled to be arraigned today. The judge is said to be a bit incendiary towards idiots and my drop a bomb of his own onto poor Bryant.
Bryant could always claim it was just a prank call, like those made to Sarah Palin back in '08...come to think of it...what was Bryant doing at the time of those calls? Maybe he was responsible for them as well!
But Mr Brown is not the first person to use the "bomb threat" to control situations. Just this past September 11th, a woman called in a bomb threat to Southwest Airline in an effort to prevent her family from flying! That's because terrorists are like Jason Voorhees and plan all of their atrocities on that one specific date! Mary Purcell admitted to authorities that she made two calls to the Tuscon International Airport on September 10th.
Myrtle Beach Police are ready to throw the book at whomever is calling bomb threats into it's schools. Yesterday, Myrtle Beach High received the latest of the many threats the county schools have been getting. They have had more than 6 bomb threats to their various schools in 15 days. They have made several arrests in conjunction with these calls. One being an 11 year old boy! He had seen Freddie from iCarly call one in on the hit Nickelodeon show. Another girl, Ashley Snyder, was arrested after she posted "Time to die" during a bomb threat evacuation. I felt that such a posting was appropriate for the crisis at hand, authorities believe however, that she is trying to take over the world and took her to a detention facility to be tortured... ahem... interviewed about her affiliations with bears.
Perhaps we should rethink how we punish people accused of such crimes. Sure sharing a cell with a guy that will use you as his personal sperm bank may change the minds of many, but some people may enjoy that.
Instead why not make them do things that are humiliating. Like dress as a pinata for a children's party! Or in the case of male offenders - make them wear signs suggesting that they have smaller than average genitalia! They could be forced to clean public restrooms with tooth brushes! Hell, they could clean my restroom with a toothbrush!
Maybe make them dress as mimes and go out and entertain people in the seedier parts of town! That would be enough to scare anyone into a non-criminal lifestyle!
Or force them to watch the entire Barney series! Hearing that song is certainly cruel punishment!
Because of our fear of terrorists, we are surely blowing these prank calls out of proportion. Maybe we should call the bomb squad on our fears and detonate these practical joker's sick sense of humor...


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Each Time I Purchase Her, She's Family

Inmates of several Kyrgyzstan prisons are staging a hunger strike over their current mistreatment. And how, pray tell, are these miscreants being abused? Joldochbek Bouzourmankoulov, the spokesman for the sentencing guidelines of Kyrgyzstan, says that it's over new restrictions banning prostitutes from visiting the inmates.
I say that is unconstitutional! Sure, I have no idea what the Constitution of Kyrgyzstan actually says about conjugal visits from high priced call girls, but it must be a protected right! Right? I mean, after all, these murderers, thieves, and rapists deserve to have their nation not only house and feed them, but to also be bought the best hookers that tax payers can afford!
Imagine if our prison system stopped letting hookers visit our prisoners! That would cause nationwide panic! Oh sure, these call girls claim to be "girlfriends" but that is just a secret code. Kind of like yelling "Aardvark" to make the pain go away.
If these Rent-A-Girl services can't provide comfort for these convicted felons, they may have to seek comfort out with each other. And how can a hardened prisoner ever maintain his reputation if he had to let his cell mate introduce a hardened exterior into his quivering posterior? That would be cruel and unusual punishment!
One must also wonder what other services may get banned from the prisons in Kyrgyzstan if this one remains in effect! Imagine if the prisoners can't get their crack dealer to make deliveries anymore! Cigarette companies could risk Chapter 11! Or maybe they will take away their subscriptions to TV Guide, which would jeopardize the entire cable industry!
If people in prison can't be given all the luxuries of the outside world without having to actually work a job to afford them, then that would seriously upset the status quo! Then people may actually be afraid to go to prison, and a lot of guards and wardens would be out of work. And eliminating jobs around the holidays is very bad! So we need to not only lock up more people to keep these men and women employed, but by not allowing prostitutes to visit we have possibly caused one of them to be let go from their pimping agency. Which means they won't be able to have a white Christmas either - and everyone knows Christmas is better when you are blitzed on cocaine!
I think the people of Kyrgyzstan should take a lesson from Capitalist America and bundle different services with the hookers! For different price scales you could get all or part of the following things: girl, some Palm Malls, a shiv, a bag of weed, or some lube.
They could even open clinics near the prisons to help deal with unwanted STD's - like pregnancy!
So people of Kyrgyzstan, do the right thing! After all, why should the people who may have destroyed the lives of someone you love miserable!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Beating a Dead Rodent

Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands if you ever want justice. Which is why I fully support a mystery woman in Burlington, Vermont. This woman was fed up with all of the animal carcasses littering the road near her home (and by all I mean one singular raccoon) and she decided to do something about it. Not something rational - like call authorities and give them the chance to do something about it - because that would be too effective. No, she had a plan.
So this mystery woman, whom I will call Tatyana, did the only sane thing she could think of. She disposed of the carcass - by slamming it violently against the doors of City Hall. Nothing says you are upset with your town's politics like beating a dead, possibly rabid rodent against the city's main political center. Video surveillance captured several minutes as Tatyana clutched the dead animal by the tail and swung wildly at the doors of the building, before leaving the body laying on the steps. I know that anytime I have been disgusted and angry at carcasses lining my street, my first impulse is to use them as bat. Actually, it sort of creeps me out that she held the damn thing to start with. Which leads me to believe that the witness speculations as to her motives are dead wrong! She wasn't angry about the body being left on the street...no she was the victim Raccoon gang violence and she was using the carcass against City Hall as a symbol to demonstrate how the world had failed to keep her safe!
Cases of rampant raccoon attacks abound. Most victims, however, rarely report these crimes and live shamefully with the knowledge of what happened. They know if they talk about it, people will accuse them of asking for it. They will say things like "if you had only not dressed so provocatively" and "its just their nature, raccoons will be be raccoons."
 Just last this past September, a woman and her poodle were brutally assaulted by two raccoons in Sacramento,  California. She was out walking in a "woodsy" part of town and the raccoons viciously attacked and defiled the poor girl and her precious pet. This girl was the third such victim that week!
And back in 2009 in Lakeland, Florida, a 74 year old woman (at the time) was mauled and broken by a pack of raccoons! Granny had noticed them just hanging out by her property and like many old people she told them "get off my yard!" Well, these raccoons didn't like it much and they left her bleeding on the front yard. Polk County Sheriff's officers said "she was filleted."
All this evidence leads me to believe that the raccoons are really just an initial salvo for an imminent bear attack. Think about it. Even the Care Bears had a weird cousin that was a Raccoon. That's because the bears use them as a distraction so that we don't see the real threat coming! While we worry about raccoons and the horrible things they can do to us - like give us rabies - bears are out plotting our demise!
So I applaud you crazy lady of Burlington! Because only you know that the real threat is out there and ready to beat our doors down with bodies of their dead! I know that your creepy use of roadkill was really just your version of Paul Reveres famous ride!