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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

My Hunger Has Been Aborted

It's time to stare down your nutrition labels people! That's right, I am wanting you to check that what you are eating is what you think you are eating. No, I don't care about trans-fats or sugars or carbs...I am worried you may be eating aborted human fetuses!
And obviously, I am not the only one, because just this week State Senator Ralph Shortey, a Republican from Oklahoma City, introduced legislation to "ban the sale and consumption of human fetuses." Which has me in a panic as I wonder...when the hell have I been eating aborted babies????
Seeing as I have no idea what mono & diglycerides are, have I been eating babies all along? We must have been, because otherwise, why would anyone try to ban the eating of something that no one would ever consider eating?
Which leads me to wonder if that was the goal all along behind abortion clinics? Were they just trying to get unlimited access to aborted fetuses in order to sell them to food manufacturers? Is this the secret meat like substance that Taco Bell sells in the "Big Beef Burrito?" Because if so, babies are tasty before they are born! Especially when you add cheese!
Shortey claims that he created the legislation in order "to stop Pepsi from using stem cells in their products." He may have also heard the joke about making a dead baby float by adding root beer and ice cream.
If I learned anything about stem cells from such informative shows as South Park its that stem cells unleash great evils! Remember how a cracked out Christopher Reeve was eating stem cells so he could become Superman again? And where did he gather evidence for this supposed venture by PepsiCo.? On the internet. He was allegedly looking for a guy to masturbate with on Craig's List, but instead uncovered this devious plot from the second largest soft-drink manufacturer in the world! He then partnered with anti-abortion group Children of God who made allegations that some food companies test artificial flavors on stem cells! This is an abomination - after all, those stem cells should get the benefit of the natural flavors too!
Shortey, I believe you only have our best interests in mind and I support you completely...but I think you aren't thinking big enough.
Which is why I came up with all of these other reasons to ban fetuses!
 Stem cell research. After all, so long as we aren't personally paralyzed, dying, or otherwise in need of this potentially life saving research, we should abandon it as being witchcraft!
 Elmer's glue. Aborted fetuses look sticky, so we should stop the glue companies from using them instead of horses like all God-fearing people do.
 Abortion protests. If you ban fetuses from being used as the subject in anti-abortion speech, then you save me from having to listen to it. It also allows women  to have some form of dignity while making this life altering choice. This way protesters can instead protest that they lack the ability to protest.
 Republicans/Democrats/Politicians. While we are at it, let's ban the use of fetuses in any form of election. I get tired of those commercials that say things like "Obama hates children! Paid for by *random anti-abortion group*. I hate children too, but your commercials make me feel bad that I do...
 Making babies. Fetuses become babies and that is bad. Because babies eat the many resources that we need to keep a viable and sustainable planet. I say ban the making of babies from fetuses so that we can protect the few natural resources we have left!

Perhaps we should also ban "eating" as well, this way we can be sure we aren't consuming fetuses!
Shortey also told the LA Times that "This wasn't an open invitation for the country to chime in. This was an invitation to my colleagues to have this discussion." But I think that the country needs to know what issues you feel are important, this way we can avoid your name in a ballot box when you run for President!

So Shortey, stand up for our rights to eat fetus free food and drink stem cell free beverages - because the shot of whiskey is much healthier!

Monday, January 30, 2012

I Am Just Buried In My Work

Researchers recently found out that 2,200 year old man might have prostate cancer and that it may be too late for chemo! Scientists have recently learned that the mummy recovered from Egypt was a victim of genetics and the second oldest person with prostate cancer ever discovered. Maybe if he had switched to a PPO instead of his HMO he would be able to talk to us today as a survivor!
I don't know what part of archaeology creeps me out the most: 1) that one day in the future someone will dig us up, experiment on us, and then put us on display in a place that will allow a bunch of kids to urinate on our remains or 2) that someone wanted to understand how a two thousand year old penis works (here's a news flash - without Viagra, it probably doesn't!).
Scientists that wanted to be like Indiana Jones as children traipse through the world disturbing dead people. They say this helps us better understand how primitive people live - I say they are just a bunch of sick, twisted fucks! Think about it - if you went to the cemetery and dug up Lester's Uncle Joe-Bob, you would go to jail for desecrating a corpse! Try telling a judge that you exhumed a body in the name of science and he will lock your ass up with people that will lovingly call you Frankenstein as they bury something of their own!
I think the dead should be left buried. This way we don't have to worry about them coming back in a Zombie Apocalypse!
How many zombie movies have you seen where the undead could dig through a slab of concrete with just their hands? None, that's how many!
I also want to make sure that when I am buried that nothing of value is placed anywhere near me. This way no one will have a reason to dig me up. Maybe write on my headstone and casket an epitaph that reads "This jackass died poor."
I also don't like how they treat the dead when they research them! Inca's were great brain surgeons. How do we know? Because we removed the skulls of dead Incas and studied them individually in a lab a few thousand miles from the rest of their bodies!
I think I like my head where it is - attached! And heaven forbid if you are a famous dead person, because you will never be allowed to rest in peace - I am looking at you Michael Jackson! We are constantly digging up some of these famous dead for new scientific studies. People like Napoleon have been tested more times than tenth street hooker after tourist season ends!
At its very best, isn't archaeology just a big word that means grave robber? I mean, isn't the only reason you dig up a dead king that is known to have tons of gold buried with him is because you want to sell a few golden calves to finance your next dig?
I think the ancient Egyptians knew that future humans would be into this necrophilia like fetish and that is the real reason they built those booby traps. They weren't worried about normal grave robbers, they were worried about some crazy future historian that would lovingly exhibit their body parts in multiple museums!
But hey, if it weren't for people digging up other dead people, we would have missed out on a great Halloween costume idea!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I'll Give You A "Treat" If You Buy Me A 10 Piece

Folks, I know I love me some Mickey D's. And I especially love those crispy, tender 10 piece nuggets. And before this morning I was positive I was their number one fan...
Well folks, it turns out that I am not. No that award goes to: Khadijah Baseer, 31, from Burbank, California.
Khadijah Baseer is known to be a local panhandler. And for a 10 piece nugget from Mickey D's, she will handle more than that! That's because on the 11th of January 2012,  Khadijah Baseer was arrested for offering sexual favors in exchange for that specific entree item! At first, she went into the McDonald's and told the manager on duty that she would give him a blowjob in exchange for something off the dollar menu. (Imagine what she might have done if he offered her fries with that!) The manager, however, wasn't in the mood to catch up on his venereal diseases, so he asked  Khadijah to leave. Undeterred,  Khadijah began to open the doors of cars waiting in the drive-thru line offering sex for McNuggets! I would hate to know what she wanted for a dipping sauce...
How hungry must this woman have been to sell herself for less than $5? It's not like she was asking for a Super-sized fry to go with that. I think instead of punishing her, McDonald's should hire her to do commercials! Imagine the "I'm Loving It Commercial" where a hooker gets off her 'John' and then goes straight to McDonald's for a McRib Combo! They could do a whole series of commercials showing off the fact that even working girls like to eat fast food. 
Now imagine what else she might have sold herself for! Maybe a bottle of water from an amusement park. Or a hot dog from the street-side vendor. Or perhaps a White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks. No...wait scratch that last one, a girl has to draw the line somewhere - and Dunkin Donuts is much better and its cheaper! 
It also begs the question "what would" she "do for a Klondike Bar?" 
Maybe she should have gone to Wendy's as I am sure Dave would have helped her out with anything she may have needed. He probably would have given her a Frosty with her nuggets! 
This also makes me wonder if we could re-establish a bartering type system in this poor economic environment. There are many things people may be willing to sell themselves for, right?
I mean I would sell myself right damn quick for a JaMocha shake from Arby's. Besides, my career adviser said I should sell myself to my employer anyway, but I think the milkshake would cause less chaffing. 
But seriously...a ten piece is only $4.10 and no one took her up on it! Guys that is the cheapest date you will ever find! 
I think Khadijah is a new hero for the downtrodden and has shown that being knocked on your back by bad economic times won't make you go hungry...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I Wouldn't Have Recognized You If I Hadn't Seen Your Ass

Forget finger print scanning technology, Japan has discovered the next best thing: Ass Scan Technology! I've been doing this for years in places like the beach, the mall, family reunions...
I am just surprised it has taken someone so long to develop! Sometimes its easier for me to remember someone by looking at their butt rather than their face. Can't remember the girl from Thursday night? Just tell her to turn around and BAM - Hi Stacy!
But instead of using this amazing new technology to help someone remember a hazy alcohol infused evening, Japan is using it to identify the person that drove the car last! Japan's Advanced Institute of Industrial Technology has created a new gadget that will tell who has driven a vehicle based on the shape of the driver's ass. The technology requires 360 sensors placed into the drivers seat and has a 98% accuracy rate.
My question is what happens if your ass gets fat? Or if you have a twin? Can it still recognize whose ass was driving the car? Are twins asses identical? I think this project is begging for more research!
But besides identifying drivers and the nameless girl you brought home a few weeks ago, what else could this technology be used for?
Well I am glad you asked my loyal readers!
1. Paternity Tests. Imagine with a few tweaks a machine that can determine whether or not a child belongs to you by scanning the shapes of the mother's ass and the supposed father's ass and comparing that with the child's ass. Using age progression-like technology along with what we know about genetics and you could accurately predict whether or not, in the word's of Maury Povich - "You ARE the father!"
2. Establishing Alibis. If you are suspected of a crime, like say murder, then this technology could be used to prove that you were really sitting in a booth at Dairy Queen, watching Criminal Minds at home on your couch, or banging the neighbors wife while he was working.
3. Bathroom Etiquette. This technology can also keep you out of trouble with the woman in your life. Guys, are tired of being accused of leaving the toilet seat up? This technology will keep your ass in line by recording the last person to sit on it. This way if you sit down after you finished and then someone comes along and leaves the seat up, you can replay the ass cam to show your innocence!
4. Biometrics. People already photocopy their ass to put into interoffice memos, but imagine if that was the way you logged into the copier. Or your laptop. Or even you car. You just place your ass on the scanning reticle and it would unlock the door or device!
5. GPS Location. You could rub your ass against a special made device that would automatically check you into the place you are visiting. It would work sort of like you were a cat rubbing against someones leg. Just slide against and keep walking. No more awkward fumbling with your phone as you try to tell everyone on Facebook that you are at the mall!
6. Dating Sites. Lets face it, this is the picture that everyone wants to see on your profile anyway. But a special designed ass data-base could recall all current pictures for potential suitors to see. The ass data-base would hold college ID photos, driver's license photos and any Facebook/Flickr/MySpace photos you may have stored away online. Just hold your ass up to the screen and it will pull all the other relevant data!
7. Identity Theft. Instead of pin numbers and passwords, just use your ass! This would keep down any confusion and prevent anyone from stealing your "ass"ets.
8. Stalking. Remember that girl on the train that you know is destined to be yours forever? But when you went to take her picture she had turned and all you got was a shot of her ass as she walked away? Well, worry no more. With the Walk Away Ass App on iPhone, you could identify her just from her derriere! No more having to ride the same train over and over, just trying to get a clear shot of her face so you can hack into the DMV in an effort to get her address. Nope, with one nice shot of her ass and you can show right up at her home and profess your love!
9. Banking. You can use you ass as the key to vault. Need a place to store your cash, weed, or other valuables, push your ass against the vault door and it will be safe from prying eyes.
Japan, you won't this in cars in three years, but think big and make an assload of money by incorporating these other ideas!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I Have A Cavity, But I Ran Out Of Printer Ink

Have you ever had a bunch of papers that you needed to hold together but didn't want to use staples? Wouldn't a paper clip be much more useful? But who ever has a paper clip handy? The answer to that question is: anyone that used Dr. Michael Clair as their personal dentist.
No, he didn't offer them as souvenirs. Or even to hold the mountain of paperwork one gets when filing insurance claims. Or even to hold together the massive bills he charged you.
No...Michael used them in the place of steel rods when he gave patients a root canal.
That's right. Michael used office supplies to fix your teeth and save him some money in the process. I guess buying medical supplies from Office Max could save you a ton of money that could be then passed on to informed consumers! Oh wait...Michael didn't pass on any savings. Instead he allegedly charged higher rates than other dentists and he threatened anyone that caught wind of what he was doing.
I am not sure what kind of threats carry more weight than using random unsterilized office supplies to perform delicate surgeries in a persons mouth, but he was successful in silencing all witnesses! Maybe this guy just looked up to MacGyver and thought if Richard Dean Anderson's famous character could build a nuclear device with a tooth pick, some floss, an old shoe, and some Play Doh, then surely he could fix peoples mouths using just everyday household objects!
He's also accused of bilking Medicaid out of $130,000! That means there are a lot of old people with paper clips in their mouths! Wonder if he used staples after any of the surgical procedures he performed? I hear Wal-Mart sells these two items together a lot more cheaply than buying them separately!
Michael allegedly also illegally prescribed medication to patients in effort to get them so addicted to Oxycontin that they forget who pulled their wisdom teeth!
The best part of it all though is that the Massachusetts Attorney General says that paper clips "can be used as a temporary measure...Clair was using them as a permanent fix." If I were Clair's attorney, I would claim that all those patients were given temporary patches until they could be scheduled for the real things. So what if some of these temporary patches have been in people's mouths for almost a decade, they just couldn't afford to get the stainless steel ones put in after what he charged for the paper clips!
This whole thing makes me even more nervous about having some random person put their hands in my mouth. What if instead of a crown they use aluminum foil? What if they filled a cavity with silly putty?
Luckily, Clair's license to practice has been revoked in every state - although I hear that he can still practice in Canada!
Clair is also accused of assault and battery on some of the witnesses! This guy sounds like a mob dentist to me! Did anyone check to see if Marlon Brando's picture was hanging in the foyer of his office?
I'll bet when he said he just "gas" the patient, he really meant to "smoke" them. Maybe the states he has practiced in should look into whether any missing people were his former patients!
All I know is that he may have bridged a few gaps with the rising costs of health care, but he lacked the wisdom to drill down to the root of the problem.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Voting Hispanic 2012

Washington, watch out! Mexico has its eyes set on the CEO spot of our country and they are sending a potential polygamist to get it! That's right, people from Mexico are here trying to steal jobs again! And this time they want to steal the most important job in the country!
That's because Mitt Romney's parents allegedly crossed  the border from Mexico into the U.S. to give birth to him so he could be born in Detroit. Afterwards, his family returned to the House that Cuervo built, leaving Romney to pursue his goal of world domination!
I am just shocked no one has asked Romney for his birth certificate yet! I can't see how this makes him a citizen...shouldn't all his relatives be residents of the United States in order for him to qualify to run for office? I heard even his dog is from Mexico! Just look at what happened when we let another non-citizen with a questionable religious background become President! Aren't we selling weapons to terrorists now and making everyone in America celebrate Ramadan - or is that we are making everyone in America eat Ramen Noodles because we are all broke?
Imagine what could happen if he gets elected? The lawns of the White House would be perfectly manicured by all his many relatives that slipped over here with him! They would probably repaint the White House Pink and Purple which would demand a name change for the place!
Secret Service would get new uniforms of ponchos and sombreros - and don't forget the mandatory handlebar mustache!
And border patrol would be on welfare because that position would no longer exist!
We would have to translate the Star Spangled Banner into Spanish so our new President can better understand it! Tila Tequila, Cheech Marin, and Enrique Inglesias can all get Cabinet Positions - although you may need to tell them that carpentry skills are not required! Although I know many people who would love to take a shot of anything off of Tila's body!
I wonder if Romney's family would pick their own vegetables to serve at White House dinner functions?
Just think of how much of a nightmare it will be to keep the nearest Home Depot secure! I would hate to read my President had been killed by forklift or from fertilizer pallets crushing him!
At least they will get Xzibit back to work pimping out the Presidential limo's and putting hydraulics on to Airforce 1. I look forward to watching that super cool jet get a new paint job and bounce while it taxis down the runway!
At least people from that country are used to cramped living and traveling and we could fly his entire family of 72 people in four seats on a plane in the economy section! Or they could just all pile into that one car that they share and drive their beetle to the event!
Speaking of his many kids does he actually have? After all, he's not just a Mexican but he is also a polygamist right? Does he have like 20 kids like most Mexicans allegedly do? Or does he have that many with each of his alleged wives?
On the upside, will Romney legalize weed? Because other than day-laborers and tequila that is the only thing that we get from Mexico anymore!
They are also some of the hardest workers in the world, so at least we know that Romney will take his job seriously! As long as his predisposition to alcoholism doesn't get in the way, because I don't think Cuba not getting his sandwich right demands a nuclear response!
I say we ignore the fact that his country gave us Taco and Burrito night, and instead focus on his magic underwear! He allegedly says they talk to him and offer advice on the state of things in the world. All I know is that looking at them, the only advice they aren't giving is how to pick up women! Fox News - I am calling on you to bring the truth of all this to the world! After all, you kept reminding us all about our current Presidents supposed religious beliefs and the "odd" circumstances of his birth over and over...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Naked Prison Blues

*Sometimes the easiest way to deal with a horrible situation is to ignore the situation and do what comes easiest. That is why today, I am going to move forward and focus on the world not connected directly to myself.*

In these difficult economic times, we must create new ways to make money. That is why I am applauding the Swedish Penal System. Everyone knows that when someone goes to jail, they get a lot of that just lays around waiting for them to be set free. So the prison's in Sweden have come up with a great way to get a piece of that action - by releasing prisoners naked unless they buy clothes from Warden!
Yesterday, a man named "Percy" was released from the Brinkeburg prison in only his underwear. The jail refused to give him clothing for free because he had roughly $118 with which he could purchase clothing from the prison store. Percy was more concerned with how might be able to eat later though and decided that trekking home in only his skivvies was the smartest thing he could do. He managed to hail a taxicab and get a ride into the city where he was able to purchase pants.
I think the prison, however, was completely in the right! Imagine if prisons in this country followed this example! Crime rates might drop if the offender knew he would be forced to wander around butt naked after being set free! I think the only thing better would have been to place them on a busy road a few miles from town...this way they could walk in abject humiliation to the nearest store - because I know I won't be picking up the naked hitchhiker!
Wardens could buy out the clothing section from the nearest Goodwill and then resell them at GAP prices to people with barely enough cash to get a Happy Meal from McDonald's! This way the newly freed convicts would be completely broke and have to resort to petty crime in order to feed themselves which puts them back into the prison system which lets them buy clothes again upon release - ad infinitum!
The Prison Store's motto could be "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem - For A Price!" To further encourage convicts to make purchases, maybe the prison could hire a few rednecks to heckle the newly released as they slowly walk back towards civilization! Nothing is more humiliating than being harassed by guys in flannel who are driving a pick up truck while you are walking naked back to town and being forced to listen to the soundtrack to Deliverance - inside your own head!
People are always saying prison is too soft and I think this would make it hard again! Or at least make the guys that used you for their bitch hard again as they watch your punk ass walk off naked into the horizon...

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

My Dog Drug Me To The Motel

Everyone knows the economy is down in most parts of the world. And yet, there are still some enterprising entrepreneurs in the world! Take the drug lords of Columbia!
They have begun to sell more cattle to cover their losses on the faltering cocaine market. America has long been the main patrons of Columbia's "Cash Cow Crop," but as people face starvation the idea of dropping $60 for a 2 minute high is outweighed by the necessity to eat. That's right, as it turns out,  a coke-head would actually rather have a hamburger than snort an 8 ball! This is made more poignant by the fact that Americans are so obese now and cocaine is a drug that makes you skinny! I'd say the drug lords are just catering to our demands!
Perhaps they could get a deal worked out with McDonald's. Imagine that "toy surprise" in your Happy Meal! Wouldn't be cool to find out that the hidden ingredient on those all beef patties covered in "special sauce" lettuce and cheese was actually cocaine? This really could explain the addictive properties!
Or better yet, why not open a new chain of Fast Food restaurants called The Crack House? They could offer Strawberry-Heroin shakes and mouth watering Opium Fries! Maybe we could dip our Meth Nuggets in a nice Ecstasy or Polynesian Sauce.
Sketchy Paul and Ed the Enforcer could be mascots! Sketchy Paul could help inject our youth with higher aspirations while Ed the Enforcer beat down the prices of competitors!
In other news related to animals, TraveLodge has released a list of the most bizarre items ever left in one of their rooms. Among those items - a live hamster! Didn't that guest know that gerbils are more durable? Perhaps they were needing something a bit smaller though...
The hamster, whose name is Frederick, was reunited with his "master" a few hours later when the man realized that he had driven all the way home without him! Ladies, you can never say that your lover is inconsiderate because I doubt he just left you in a cheap motel drove 4 hours before realizing that you were not in the car!
Other items included an expensive Vera Wang Wedding gown and an 18 month old baby.
Wait, what?
Okay I can get that you left a dress, a teddy bear, some watches, a giant Mr Blobby costume, but how the hell do you forget a toddler? Between the noise they make and the fact they are always getting into something, it would seem hard to not notice one! Perhaps the parents (who were so intent to get to a wedding) felt that maid service included child care. "No I don't need towels, but Jr. eats at 3."
Also in the world of animal news, Spanish churches welcomed pets of all kinds into their doors yesterday in honor of Saint Anthony's Day. Saint Anthony is the patron saint of scooping, and because of his affinity of spaying and neutering, his day was celebrated in churches across the Spanish countryside. These church going pets were blessed by priests and prayed over. This is because the only way that animals can get into heaven is if they get baptized first.
I wonder if anyone prayed for that poor hamster I mentioned earlier?
I plan to take my porcupine, Pointy, there next year in the hopes that the prayers will bless him with a sharp mind and "tack"ful demeanor.
One man, Carlos Romero, brought his 5-year-old turtle Paula and allegedly asked the priests to "pray she doesn't become soup."
Many of the visitors dressed their pets in elaborate baptism clothes that showed the animals purity. Or that maybe it is house broken. After the animals were blessed the parishioners were given three loaves of a special bread to take home with them. One of the loaves is meant to be kept for a year beside a coin to ensure prosperity. Maybe we should look at doing this at soup kitchens here - instead of feeding the hungry, we could give them inedible breads that will grant them Good Luck by storing it next to a coin they earned from panhandling!
Regardless of which blessings you may be seeking, this only proves that Christianity is winning the religious war because our side has ponies! And monkeys! And a one eyed Cocker Spaniel named Ed! 

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Today's Word Starts With The Letter Tit?

Folks, I grew up watching such child friendly fare as Captain Kangaroo and The Electric Company and my favorite kids show - Sesame Street. This show taught me all kinds of things as an inquisitive 5 year old. Things like cookies are better than carrots. It's okay to hallucinate. And lastly, breasts are awesome so long as someone is sucking on them!See, my first experiences with women and breast-feeding came from watching Big Bird and the gang! All through the early 80's, the show would feature nursing naturally rather than just using bottles. In one episode, Maria explains to Big Bird why she chooses that option. And even now, every time I think of Maria, I get excited whimsical. But now controversy is being stirred up over my beloved show because apparently titties should only be shown in low budget horror movies.
That's the allegations made by some parenting groups over the shows idea of bringing back breastfeeding. It seems that despite Maria's claims that "it's more natural," the only natural way to feed a baby involves Gerber. They believe it is "gross" and "inappropriate."
Other parents have come forward to ask for the show to bring back the sweater puppies because these people agree with Maria.
So, who, then, is correct?
Well let's look back at some children's programs that the world says is appropriate and use that as our baseline!
Let's start first with Disney. The house that the Mouse built is famous for child friendly fare and paints itself as the pinnacle of wholesomeness...until you delve deep into their most popular movies, that is!
The Rescuers is a cartoon about rats trying to save an orphan girl. In one scene they fly past a window where a woman is topless dancing to Billy Joel! It seems that I should add strip clubs and random apartment buildings to places that breasts are appropriate for children!
I think the male mouse (whose name I think was Gus) is having a heart attack over what he just saw and is stretching out to prevent his girlfriend from catching on to how excited he is!
In The Little Mermaid, there was controversy over the fact that a penis had been drawn onto the cover of the Disney VHS Box. I know that a random picture of a dick on a cartoon aimed at young girls is extremely appropriate! That's why no one ever says anything to Grandpa when his balls fall out of his shorts at Thanksgiving.
In the wedding scene, the priest performing the ceremony is sporting an erection that would make Bob the Enzyte Guy jealous! To make matters worse, the poor priest is jacked up on Coke and is waving that thing around like a dangerous weapon! I think he should have taken his Cialis a few hours later. I just hope he isn't Catholic - and if so I feel so bad for those altar boys!
We will take a break from Disney for a moment to look at Warner Brothers! Warner is the home of DC Comics and The Looney Tunes. Bugs Bunny is famous for sexually questionable behavior including cross-dressing fetishes and bi-sexuality. In one episode, "Angel in Disguise," Bugs even lets viewers take a look at his package while he is in the shower! The episode is also famous for the "bunnies multiplying" gag, which probably suggests that if you and Bugs got together you would end up fucking like rabbits!
Now let's look at a joint Warner-Disney venture.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? In one scene, Jessica channels her inner Marilyn but unlike Ms Monroe - she isn't wearing underwear! That, my friends, is what we call a money shot! I understand she wanted to keep her career options open - after all there is a big demand for cartoon bestiality involving well endowed cartoon chicks and rabbits! I pre-ordered my copy on Amazon!
Another famous cartoon maker, Hanna Barbara, aired an episode of the Flintstones in which Fred and Barney were searching for costumes for a Halloween party. Fred asks his lil buddy what he wants to dress up as and Barney responds that he wants a costume that makes him taller. Naturally Fred responds back with "How about another head?" and Barney says "Why would I need 3?"
Now after seeing these beloved movies that exemplify wholesome family values, I can completely understand why the act of feeding your children using the methods you were  born with would be an abomination.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Georgia Has Lost Its Mind

As budget cuts occur, more and more schools are having to find new and cheaper ways to teach students. This sometimes mean that they won't have the newest textbooks. Or access to the internet. Or that they can't spend as much time learning Russian Literature as they spend learning Brazilian Literature.
Beaver Ridge Elementary School of Gwinnett County, Georgia, has found an interesting way to teach students - they created simple mathematical word problems. However, some parents, such as Christopher Braxton, could not fully appreciate the ambition of some of that school's teachers!
Third graders, including Braxton's child,  were given word problems such as "If Frederick gets two beatings per day, how many beatings did Frederick get in a week?" and "How many baskets of cotton could Frederick pick if he had to stop to rub his master's feet for 30 minutes every 2 hours over an 8 hour period if he could fill 4 baskets an hour without being beaten?" Another word problem asked the age-old question, "If each tree has 56 oranges and 8 slaves picked equally, how many oranges would each slave pick?"
Braxton, as well as anyone else who say the homework, felt that the school had crossed a line and labeled the teachers involved as being racists. The racists teachers prefer the term "color minded to prevent blending."
School spokesperson, Sloan Roach claims "the teachers were trying to merge math and social studies." Well duh, Sloan! After all the social impact of a riot at an elementary school seems like the kind of problem that would play out by the numbers!
I mean it's obvious that slavery and beatings make much easier word problems than questions about the 13 colonies or 1devising problems to figure out how many Republicans and Democrats have been President! How could anyone come up with a social studies math problem if they had to limit themselves to questions about how many states would it take to make up a 2/3 vote needed to ratify an amendment to the Constitution? Or how many Senators would be needed to impeach a President? No those kinds of questions aren't math friendly!
Sloan goes on to say that the questions were "inappropriate." No Sloan, inappropriate would be like the questions they allegedly had lined up to ask them tomorrow! Questions like "If Peter has two daddies, what is the percentage that they will burn in hell?"
They allegedly opened the class Dragon of the KKK to come by and teach the kids the uplifting and love filled ways of treating those different from us! Extra curricular activities included: proper noose tying, how to make a cross burn for hours, and how to effectively organize your lynch mob!
I wonder if the teacher's brought in a whip and demonstrated the way to keep "Frederick" in line?
But this isn't the 1st time Gwinnett has been in the news for their unusual teaching methods. Back in September, a bus driver refused to intervene while a 15 year old girl beat up an 11 year old just outside of the bus. The driver claimed it wasn't her place to get involved and allegedly claimed that the two girls needed to learn to handle their own problems.
I agree. Breaking up a fight between a Sophomore and an eighth grader sounds like way too much work and it would have been irresponsible of her to leave the bus to do so anyway! Sure some of you may say "why didn't she call authorities?", but we don't know if she had unlimited minutes on her cell phone. Those roaming fees can be killer!
So Gwinnett County keep making the headlines because while others may think your racist and the result of inbreeding, we just know your bat shit crazy!

Monday, January 2, 2012

A Trip Down Memory Lane

2011 has come to a close and 2012 has been going strong for a couple of days. Looking back over the year, we had some interesting events occur and I have had the pleasure of sharing those with you.
So I decided the best thing I could do today would be to take us down memory lane as we remember the stories that made us laugh, the stories that made us cry, and the stories that made us go "What the fuck?"
Sympathy For The Devil came into the world on the 10th of February to very little fanfare. My first post was there to simply warn you all of what was coming and to warn you that my personal muse had a name - and that name is Absinthe! Then I walked you through my experience at the DMV. Next time I go to renew my license, I will remember to bring my chickens inside with me, as that seems to get you moved to the front of the line!
I told you about my hate for Facebook games...why do I care that Elle needs energy to fight off a rattlesnake? Should Jerry really be allowed to manage a restaurant? I think Billy likes his sheep a little too much...
Then I told you who I planned to vote for in the next election, and that person is Basil Marceaux. He plans to give every criminal and nut case guns and his immigration policy consists of deporting anyone that looks like a Mexican - regardless if they are citizens or not or even a Mexican!!!
Then we talked about the many reasons you should encourage a stalker. After all, they will love you more than anyone else! They light candles for you every night and masturbate to the photos they took of you without you knowing!
We talked about the best way to reach decisions by using a scientifically sound theory - the Magic 8-ball! It can help you decide everything from dating to major life changing events. Want to decide on a career? Maybe instead of that design position with Calvin Klein, it will tell you to work as a ride attendant at the traveling carnival!
I discussed how we should celebrate Valemercialism Day by making all Valentines Day purchases at the pawn shop! Nothing says love like a used handgun and the jewelry someone stole from their grandmother to pay the rent!
I wrote one morning while experiencing a hangover. I told you about the time I woke up next to Jabba the Hutt's sister!
Then Levi's introduced a new trend in fashion - women's clothing designed for men to wear! Nothing says fashionable like a guy in a skort! Maybe once this trend takes off couples can get matching handbags and dresses!
I shared my idea of the types of pets that should be sold at the pet store. Instead of a fuzzy little kitten, I want a sea lion! I just wonder if I could easily get baby seals to feed to it!
I shared my fear of bears and told you of the deeply kept secret of the Bear-spiracy! They are coming to get us and I want us prepared! Sure, they may be cute and cuddly - but you won't think it is so cute when you realize bear hug is code for shred you to pieces!
I talked to you all about P.E.T.A. and their habits of killing most of the animals in their care! And that they wanted to start a porn business. I don't know about you, but the idea of P.E.T.A. and porn in the same sentence turns me on!
I learned how to write and how to perform CPR this year! My professor kept me after class because I was disruptive and disrespectful...How dare that high school PE coach call me disruptive when he spent all semester feeling up the cute 18 year old in the class!
I told you the many great things about geeky girls... I tried internet dating so that you wouldn't have to... I surfed through Craig's List to find the best deals - like that guy that wanted another guy to masturbate with him while watching movies or that girl that wanted a guy to come over to her house with roofies, duct tape and rope...I told you about one man's journey to keep aliens from invading us... I took a walk down the SlutWalk... I take sole credit for freeing Amanda Knox... I told you about a girl who robbed people so she could buy porn... I mentioned a 21 year old guy that got stuck in a child's swing... I reviewed a book by Jennifer Knox, a book I still recommend for anyone - whether you like poetry or not! I discussed my Bacon scented perfume fetish - come on ladies, wear this for me... I discussed racism and religion - at the same time... I shared my personal experiences with Christmas and Thanksgiving... I mentioned a cool idea from the Scottsdale Gun Club - letting kids pose with Santa and machine guns... I brought to your attention America's love of bondage...
And much more than I could even begin to rehash! But now that 2011 is over, I look forward to what this new year brings. What stories loom on the horizon? What will this year bring? I hope that you have enjoyed my first year bringing you the stories I enjoyed telling and I hope that this year we will bring it as bigger, better and more fun!
Happy New Year Year all!