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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Airway To Heaven

One pilot took the idea of "God as his co-pilot" a bit too literally which resulted in mutiny aboard a Jet Blue aircraft. Clayton Osbon, 49, apparently lost his mind and the crew and passengers had to take him down.
It's not like flying is stressful these days - long lines, baggage fees, potential terrorist sitting across from you, and the crew reassuring you that every bump is in fact not the plane coming down. So, I can't understand why the passengers abroad Flight 191 were so upset that their Captain was running up and down the aisles screaming about going to meet Jesus. They were in Texas after all, and doesn't everyone in Texas want to go be with God?
Things for the Captain started off pretty crappy...he was late for work and missed the pre-flight meetings. Then once they got in the air, he tried to talk to his co-pilot about their flight to Las Vegas. He was telling his co-pilot "Vegas is full of sinners" and "we aren't going there." He was just trying to look out for the spiritual welfare of his passengers! He told his co-pilot that his church had given him "focus." When Osbon told the co-pilot that terrorists were everywhere and that they "should take a leap of faith" because "things just don't matter", his co-pilot decided to take the Captain down.
Now I ask you, why would you mutiny against such a sensible man? The co-pilot told the Osbon to get up and walk around to clear his head. Once out of the cockpit, the Captain began running up and down the aisles screaming about "the new flight plan to visit Jesus." This naturally freaked everyone out, because no one really wants to hurry and meet Jesus... So the now freaked out passengers were happy to aide the co-pilot in his revolution. The Captain, knowing that if he wanted to take everyone to see Jesus he would need to be flying the plane, tried to return to the cockpit but found the door locked - because another pilot on board had rushed into the cockpit and locked him out. The Captain became enraged and began beating on the door screaming about marshmallows and kamikaze bears. He was overheard also screaming at his mutinous crew "You better pray now for Jesus f***ing Christ!"
When the co-pilot spoke into the intercom asking the passengers to restrain the pilot, the passengers punched Osbon in the face and left him zip-tied in coach. During the melee a flight attendant was hurt and the whole time Osbon accused the passengers of being part of the 9/11 conspiracy and how "Iran to Jesus" and more nonsense than a Dr Seuss story.
I don't know what is worse, being relieved from command or being forced to fly coach.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

This Is SO Alien To Me

Folks..what will you be doing when the world ends? If the Mayans are right and the sun sets for the final time on December 21st, 2012, will you spend those last moments huddled up with people you love? And (still assuming they are correct) knowing the end is coming, what will you do to prepare?
If you are one of the New Age hippies flocking to the Pic de Bugarach, you'll spend these last days rock climbing - naked.
Because let's face it, the world is surely coming to an end. We know this because everyone, from Jesus to that crazy homeless guy who asked you for quarters, has been telling us this! Because there are signs everywhere! They are in all shapes, sizes, and colors - I like the new one for Starbucks!
Which brings us back to the hippies...See Pic de Bugarach, the upside-down mountain, is the supposed inspiration for Jules Verne's Journey to the Center of the Earth. But instead of finding dinosaurs and proto-humans, the mountain is actually a garage. For space people. From galaxies far, far away. Who will be returning to rescue their faithful on - you guessed it: December 21st, 2012!
So, now over 20,000 hippies have invaded this town of only 200 people - which has the local residents up in arms! Sure, the smell of marijuana drifting down the mountain isn't so bad, and neither are the sweet campfire songs about love and peace, and sure they are boosting the local economy...but when a resident accidentally stumbles across 20,000 naked hikers - well, those people need to go!
Add some accusations of strange rituals to the naked mountain treks and the only sign you have is that your new neighbors are part of a cult. Of course, the mountain has always drawn strange people. Steven Spielberg supposedly went there and came away with the idea for "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." Hippies have  flocked to the mountain since the 1960's because it "emits strange magic rays."
The mountain is unusual because the top of the mountain is actually older than the base. Scientists think this is because a volcano erupted under it and sent the peak flying into the air and when it landed: it did so upside down. The Hippies say this is rubbish and the reason beyond the geological discrepancy is because a race of super aliens used older rocks on the top. I guess those kinds of conclusions require a scientific method that has the control group hitting acid.
Their alien masters are supposedly asleep inside the mountain. I guess they must have told the Mayans when they planned to set their alarm, because the Hippies believe the aliens will wake up on December 21 and gather all of their "children" into their spacecraft. I have read enough science fiction to know that when aliens gather people up, it isn't to save them from themselves - it's to save them for dinner! It's called stocking up your larder! I say we prepare for an invasion of Purple Space Bears from Uranus!
The mayor, Jean-Pierre Delord, has requested help from the French army  (whether it is because he feels riots will take place when the world is still here on December 22nd or he fears a mass suicide) is unknown.
He is quoted as saying, "After this over, I think we will throw a big party with wine and cheese."
Maybe that is the right idea...after all, it's not uncommon to see naked people dancing once you introduce alcohol to the equation.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Getting To Work Costs An Arm And A Leg

We have all done things to get out of work. Some of us have faked illnesses. We call our bosses and hoarsely whisper that we have the Bulgarian Monkey Pox and are too sick to come in. Some of us fake tragedies - like the 8th funeral of our Me-Maw. But one man in Vienna...chopped off his own foot.
An as yet unnamed 57-year-old man in Austria decided the best way to avoid returning to work would be to make himself unemployable. See, the man had been living on unemployment for the past year or so and he decided this is a sweet gig. So, just hours before meeting with the unemployment office to determine whether or not he was fit to go back to work, he held his left leg up against the electric saw in his workshop. Then because he couldn't think of anything better to do with his now severed foot, he tossed it into the oven. I wonder if he planned to serve it up medium well?
Then while bleeding profusely, he hobbled out of his garage to call 911. I think if he can do all that while bleeding everywhere then he is more than capable of working at McDonald's. He apparently already knows how to operate a stove and cutting utensils!
My question is: "What could someone have done to get out of work that didn't involve amputating a leg?"
Would a note from his mother have excused him from his interview that day?
Or could he have used one of the traditional excuses of contracting the Monkey Pox while attending Me-Maw's wake?
Or maybe the problem is that his solution wasn't drastic enough!
So I have come up with sure fire ways to prove you aren't fit to work anymore.
1. Gain a lot of weight. You should become morbidly obese. I mean, you should need Jerry Springer to forklift your ass out of bed. This way no one would ever believe you were capable of actual work!
2. Call the employment office and tell them a Shetland Pony is standing on your pubic bones. Then Photoshop a picture of a horse standing on you. E-mail that picture and tell them to call animal control to help you get that  "shitty pony off [your] pelvis."
3. Get arrested. A lot. By being naked in public. This will show future employers that you don't like clothes. Show up at your interview wearing only a smile..and some socks, because let's face it - your feet are gnarly.
4. Develop a Tic. Like randomly shouting "Jesus" or "Donkey-f***er" sporadically in conversations - not only with other people but with yourself! Or maybe a physical tic - like randomly twitching and staring at the person your talking to! Maybe bob your head a little and act like you're trying to give that person the crazy eyes. I don't know of too many prospective employers who would want you dealing with customers if you exhibit any of these.
5. Daily Hygiene. As in: stop it. For the entire time you are on unemployment, stop bathing. Also, don't wear any colognes or deodorants. When you finally are forced to visit the employment office, bring a bottle of FeBreeze with you. Tell them that it really works in making you smell fresh. When they tell you that you need to bathe, tell them it is against your religion and if they ask what religion tell them you are a member of the Church of Satan.
6. Tell them you are a member of the Church of Satan. I think this one doesn't need any further explanations.
7. Talk in rhymes. Speak as if you exist in a Dr Seuss novel. You should answer always in rhyme. You should constantly ask the time. You should make sure they know. You should tell them it is time to go. Take a boat for a row, own a yard that you mow? Surely the goat will live by the moat and you can lead a herd full of turds into the sun..okay I'm done.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

O B G Y - am I in here again?

Like many Americans, I find going to the gynecologist uncomfortable. But over the past couple of days, I have been exposed, in varying degrees, to the wonderful world of Obstetrics and gynaecology.
Let's start with my trip to the delivery room. Normally, if a guy is hanging out in the delivery room, he's there because the condom broke - secretly wishing Maury Povich would pop out of the bathroom screaming, "Not the father!" But I had no such secret wishes, because I was in the wrong room. I didn't realize my mistake until half-way through videoing the experience and the nurses threw me out. I thought Karen looked a lot more tan than I remembered!
Making my way to Craig and Karen's room, I paused to reflect on my own memories of my sons birth. I was freaked out because his head looked like a football and he was the color of grape jam! I knew that Craig would be feeling similarly and so I walked in prepared to offer solace to my old, dear friend.
It wasn't long into my lecture on proper use of birth control before the nurses threw me out of this room, too.
The nerve of some people...
So anyways, an hour later and my dear friends welcomed little Kenzie into the world. I left knowing that sleep would be a thing of the past for these two, and also knowing that I would return the next day to meet little Kenzie for the first time.
The next day, I accompanied my girlfriend to an OBGYN appointment. We were there to ensure that we didn't have an unexpected bundle of joy introduced into our equation - by getting an IUD. I had offered to accompany her into the back as moral support, but I assumed she would have me wait in the waiting room.
As I sat down, this young, pregnant black girl gravitated over to us. As Jo checked in, this girl smiled and nodded and sat down. Jo turned around and saw our new "buddy."
My beautiful, expressive girlfriend looked at me as if to ask "why the hell did you pick a seat to wait next to the only other person in the office?"
But before I could give a look that would have said, "I feel the exact answer to query is much too in-depth to be given via facial expression alone," the girl began to ask us questions.
Without even a warm up question, she looked Jo in the eye and asked her if she was pregnant. Not wanting to be rude, but also not wanting to encourage conversation, Jo merely answered with a curt "no."
Undaunted, or perhaps taking Jo's answer as an invitation to chat, the girl began to tell us her life story.
She also told us that we should be pushing out babies like an assembly line in China makes cheap electronics.
We sympathized with the girls plight of having two kids already that were being raised by her mother, but tried our best to dissuade any further discussions.
When the nurse came out to call Jo back, I immediately jumped up and said "that's us!"
Jo merely looked at me comically as we went back into the examination room.
Once back there, she asked "what the hell were you thinking sitting next to someone like that." I then told her how the girl meandered over to me after I had already sat down. The inappropriate talker apparently needed someone to vent with. Perhaps she wouldn't have needed to vent had she gotten an IUD after her second child was born...
The Doctor came in to perform the procedure and we all shared a laugh at the inappropriate talkers expense.
As the procedure started, I marveled at the fact that I was still conscious. I watched her poke and prod and I almost came close to saying that the IUD would be unnecessary because after witnessing such a thing, I didn't think I could ever have sex again.
In mere moments the event was over and we were ready to leave. The Doctor looked at us as she left saying, "The IUD is effective immediately, you two enjoy your weekend."
You know what...after what I witnessed...I may never enjoy a weekend again...

Friday, March 23, 2012

P D Nay

Folks, it's time that we shed the light on inappropriate touching. Sometimes, it's just not okay! That's why I am happy to announce that one school in New Jersey is finally cracking down on the behavior and banning their students (who are aged 11- 14)...from hugging.
Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School is looking to limit the ways young people greet each other and I say it is about time! In a world where kids are committing suicide due to bullying, I know the best way to combat that is to prohibit acts of affection!
We all know that hugging is the gateway touch. It can lead to things like: shaking or holding hands. Imagine if they didn't stop this criminal behavior - people might accidentally brush someones arm or drape an arm over their shoulder *shudders*.
I say we start petitions to end all forms of physical contact. They world would be a much safer and more sanitary place! After all, I don't know where your hands have been, so, why would I want them feeling me up?
Besides, we all know that if we let 11-year-olds hug then they could get pregnant! The principle that created this ban must be afraid that the students may start singing that song that goes "Billy and Katie sitting in a tree. H-U-G-G-I-N-G."
Because we all know that when we get older, a woman that is really into you will show that attraction by giving you a friendly hug - similar to the one you get from your grandma! This type of affection lets you know exactly what you mean to her!
Principle Tyler Blackmore made the announcement after students were caught in the unspeakable act. I could misquote him as saying that 'after crossing that line, there is no returning and those kids are damned to be prostitutes and drug addicts,' but that would be unfair to all the prostitutes that didn't receive hugs as children!
Superintendent David Healy says "no student will be disciplined for hugging," but "they needed to know what is considered proper contact between peers." Which is only fair, because I remember when I played ball, we were encouraged to slap each other on the ass - and that is way more appropriate than hugging each other!
Folks, band with me and let's limit all physical contact to the only acceptable solution - via the internet using emoticons!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I'd Hire You, But You Didn't Friend Me

In these tough economic times, many of us are struggling to make ends meet. And some of us are out looking for new jobs. But how many of you would be willing to let your prospective employer snoop through your personal Facebook site? 
In a startling new trend of invading privacy, companies and government agencies are demanding full access to our lives in order to hire them. So, now to get a job you may get asked about work experience, have to give blood, promise away your first born, invite the whole company to snoop through your house, let them drive your car for a weekend getaway, and give them your passwords to all your social networking sites.
The ACLU has been warring with companies for firing employees for things they post online, but now in an effort to preempt the firing - they want unrestricted access to your online life! 
Those pictures of your cousin Bobby's wedding, you know the ones where you were stumbling around drunk? Those are reasons not to hire you! 
I think these companies want to intimidate people into not going online! Think about it, if the company you are applying to has dubious business practices, the last thing they want is for you to know about it! So, the best way is to make sure you avoid any source of information that would bring those practices into the light.
But isn't this like a form of coercion? After all, even if you voluntarily give a prospective employer access to your social networks, is it really voluntarily if you actually need the job? Where does freedom of speech fit in where the internet is concerned? According to the US Supreme Court, it's a gray area and isn't always entitled to the same protections as some speech and symbols are.
The last time in history that I can remember a group of people asking to invade every aspect of a persons life was the Nazi invasion of Europe. And anyone that disagreed with them were thrown into concentration camps and eliminated.
Sure that is an extreme example, but is it really so far fetched? How far removed are we from that? It's like they are policing everything you do, as if we live in China. Where did this trend come from anyway? Did someone refuse to friend their boss, and the guy decided if he can't see your Facebook page then, you couldn't work there?
Since the rise of social network sites, prospective employers have checked out the MySpace and Facebook sites of potential employees, but before you could make them private. With this new measure, there really is no point in privacy, because like that old lady who is constantly staring at you from her window - they need know every single aspect of your life!
You might as well invite them into your bedroom on your honeymoon, because it's the same thing
I say if any future employer asks to see your Facebook password, you should immediately ask for their house keys. If they want to snoop online for your dirty laundry, you should be allowed to snoop through the hampers for theirs.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I Scream For Equal Rights

Folks, I am a proponent for gay marriage. Mainly because I think they should be allowed to be as miserable as straight people...after all, marriage might make them all a little less "gay." Which is why I am happy to announce that Ben & Jerry's UK division is changing the name of its apple pie flavored ice cream to "Apple-y Ever After."
The new packaging features two men holding a bouquet of flowers atop a wedding cake that is accented in rainbows. It's a very joyful looking package - which is reflective of many marriages at first...until she starts nagging and he gets lazy and they accuse the other of sucking the life out of them...I think this transition is called the Honeymoon. The renaming is in response to the UK's decision to legalize gay marriage and the discriminating relationship status of "in a civil union." Makes it sound like they work for the Post Office or something, doesn't it?
Ben & Jerry's has partnered with Stonewall, a gay rights organizations, to create a Facebook fan page and website that allows you to 'marry' anyone you want. I married Cleopatra. See how happy we are! I wonder if that makes me 'King of Egypt' now?
I just wish this flavor was available state side! And think of the other flavors that Ben & Jerry's could roll out to support this trend!
How about a flavor called "Strapped On & Split?" This could be a variation of a banana split ice cream with sprinkles. The packaging could depict two cartoonish women trying to tie a banana to a bowl.
Or maybe one named "Truck Route." This would be a chocolate caramel rocky road concoction with swirls of strawberry sauce mixed in. It could picture a semi driving along a river of chocolate-strawberry deliciousness!
They already have a few flavors that could use new pictures like "Buried Treasure" or "Cinnamon Buns."
Imagine new box art for those! Ben & Jerry's is famous for pushing the envelope - take their flavor "Schweddy Balls!"
This isn't the first time the company has changed a brand of ice cream to show support for divorce lawyers gay marriage, back in 2009, the company renamed "Chubby Hubby" to "Hubby Hubby" to support the gay marriage legislation in Vermont. Vermont was the first state to allow same sex marriage that did not require a court to tell them to do so.
So come on B&J, make me some ice cream that is provocative, yet socially conscious. Stimulate my sympathy by making me fat.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Malibu Barbie & Optional Meth Lab Accessories

If you were an alleged drug lord (who also happened to be a swim suit model for Ed Hardy Bikinis) that needed to skip bail, where would you go? If you are accused drug lord, Simone Farrow, you go to the beach - in Australia.
The former bikini model, Penthouse girl, and three time 'winner' of FHM magazine's Sexiest Women In The World was first arrested in Aussie-land in October of 2009. This arrest happened after she fled there when the DEA raided her apartment! The DEA found plenty of drugs and other evidence to link Simone to a major drug cartel that shipped meth to various places around the world. Simone thought she was untraceable, because instead of using drug 'mules' who could 'rat' you out, she used the US Postal Service and FedEX.
Maybe she got caught because one of her buyers couldn't afford the C.O.D charge and they just returned her meth back to sender! Regardless, Simone stood accused of using 19 different aliases to ship out crystal meth inside of packages of bath salts. I guess that ordering bath salts is code for "ship me some methamphetamine's" online!
Farrow maintains that she is innocent of the charges and claims the only reason she skipped out on bail back in February was because she felt her life was in danger. She claims that she has been in "relationships with numerous underworld figures or whatever you want to call them and I feel that maybe they feel threatened by my situation."
I, personally, love those movies...I wonder if she dated Kate Beckinsale? What am I thinking, it's not like vampires would ever deal crystal meth! Maybe she dated one of the Lycans - they seem like degenerate crack heads, right?
Farrow was picked up from the cheap beach hotel she was living in. Her website claims she is an aspiring singer/songwriter as well as a potential reality show star! They could name her show "Meth&bikinis" or "Dependable Solutions To Your Meth Shipping Needs."
Australian police believe that behind her high-society lifestyle was a scared, broke little girl trying to find a way to keep up her former way of life. The 37-year-old, possibly unable to find any work beyond her bikini spreads, may have simply needed the money. And everyone knows that drug dealer is a better alternative than becoming one of "Hugh's girls."
Investigators also believe that she was the brains behind a 7 person criminal enterprise. I guess finding 7 people dumb enough to follow a super models advice on dealing meth is as enterprising as it gets. How do you think she convinced them? Was she like "Yeah, like this one time, I did a nude spread in Columbia, and I, like, totally knew I could sell coke. And coke is, you know, like, expensive and junk, so this will be easier!"
Wonder if Mattel is looking at her to use as the inspiration for a new Malibu Barbie? Think about Mattel! You could make a fortune on the accessories alone!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Cost Of Books Is Outrageous

Folks, sometimes a tragedy occurs that is so horrific, no one can offer comfort. One such tragedy happened this past weekend to a 23-year-old girl from Portland, Oregon. She had to suffer through having sex with a 63-year-old man...and then after watching him die from a massive heart attack...she had to explain to authorities why she had an old married man over at her house to begin with.
I can only imagine the trauma! Watching a 63-year-old disrobe is enough to give me a heart attack!
While this poor girl's name is being withheld to protect her privacy, the man in question was Pulitzer winning editorial editor of The Oregonian - Robert Caldwell.
Caldwell successful led the editorial section of the paper and was directly responsible for it winning journalism's top prize. He was also directly responsible for this young girl being able to go to college. That's because the unnamed girl claims that Caldwell bought all of her books and other supplies so that she could afford to go to Portland Community College. She also claimed that he gave her cash when she needed it in exchange for sex. She said they had maintained this business arrangement for almost a year.
Cops decided not to charge her with prostitution stating "Technically we probably could have charged her with prostitution because there was an exchange of something, books and maybe tuition money for sex. But it's a misdemeanor crime and the circumstances of the guy dying in her apartment, we felt like it was probably not the most important arrest to make."
Besides, just because she was having sex in exchange for money, doesn't make her a prostitute. Everyone knows that prostitutes stand on the street corner and have sex with old guys for money. She had sex with an old guy for money at her apartment - which is completely different!
Cops also tried to spare the girl humiliation by reporting that he was found dead in his car in a parking lot. The girl, feeling so guilty (and possibly looking to advertise that she will do old dudes for cash) came forward to the media to express what really happened. Authorities said that they spoke in haste and that the girls accounts were accurate.
This isn't the first scandal he has been linked to either. In 2010, Caldwell was charged with D.U.I. after he rammed his car into the back of another parked car behind a strip club. I wonder if this is where he met the college girls he seemed to favor?
Caldwell's wife and children had no idea about his affair and just thought he smiled a lot because he liked his job. They had no idea he was extorting a (barely out of high school) young woman. His wife is quoted as saying "he would regret the anguish he caused to those he loved" and that she "loves him [still] unconditionally."
Maybe she's right...maybe we should focus on the stories he wrote opinions about instead of the scandal in which he died...
But I am sure of one thing: I bet he does regret being caught dead with his pants to speak.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Why Does My Hamburger Smell Like Glass Cleaner?

Folks, I have to say I am surprised. Surprised at all the ruckus people are raising about "pink slime."
For those of you that haven't heard, the term pink slime refers to a ground mixture of bovine waste trimmings that are disinfected with ammonium hydroxide to kill pathogens such as salmonella and E. coli.'s ground beef. See, the USDA doesn't require companies to label the fact that they add ammonia to their products! So that "100% fresh ground beef" that you've been buying from grocery stores and places like McDonald's and Burger King was actually pink slime. That's because the USDA recently stated that as much as 70% of all ground beef contains the stuff. But is it really that bad? Didn't the father spray Windex all over the food in that movie about the fat greek girl getting married? Okay so the USDA doesn't call it pink slime. They call it lean finely textured beef or LFTB.
Major fast food retailers Taco Bell, McDonald's, and Burger King have all stopped using it due to public outcry. I say the public is a bunch of whiners. How else do you think Taco Bell was able to sell you steak for 39 cents? Supposedly they have been using this stuff since the late 80's, it's not like we have seen any bad side effects from it! I mean, really, you would think cancer rates would have markedly increased or something over the last few years.
But grocery stores and restaurants aren't the only ones using the stuff. Apparently, so are our public schools. Kids already eat dirt and whatever they pick out of their noses - I don't think some toxic chemicals are any worse than that! Besides, I used to play with slime as a kid and all it would do is ruin the carpet, your clothes, and possibly your hair! We have to think about what is best for the nation. Is it our health? Or is it the fact that the beef industry makes an extra 3 cents per pound when they add chemicals instead of beef to their products?
I think the choice is obvious! Corporations that sell us poison are an endangered species, so we must support them! That's because they are killing off the very people that shop from them, which means eventually there will be no one left to buy their products!
Besides the USDA says "All USDA ground beef purchases must meet the highest standards for food safety." That's because they use gloves when they handle it so they don't get any chemical burns!
"It's economic fraud," Gerald Zirstein, the microbiologist who coined the name "pink slime," told ABC News. "It's not fresh ground beef. It's a cheap substitute being added in."
I say grow up Zirstein...everything we take into us is a cheap substitute for the real thing! Take air for instance - you don't actually think that's oxygen your breathing do you? Noooo! It's a combination of carcinogenic pollutants mixed with just enough oxygen to keep us from falling over gasping for life.
If we reject the idea of taking chemicals into our bodies, what will we accept? Are we going to reduce our environmental footprint? Start growing and harvesting the food we need to live? Raise animals and start respecting nature and the natural order? Shop from companies that promote organic ingredients?
Maybe we will just gripe about the costs of doing things the right way and continue life the way we have lived thus far...speaking of...I think I want a Big Mac...

Monday, March 12, 2012

They're Great...and this activity ain't bad either

It is amazing how much you learn when you begin to research historical figures for a writing assignment. I thought I would write an uplifting piece on the man whose name is on my breakfast. A man who advocated daily personal hygiene. A man who pushed for regular exercise for young people. A man who wanted us to eat healthier. A man who did all this because he was terrified of sex and masturbation. A man named John Harvey Kellogg.
That's right...corn flakes exists to keep you from touching yourself.
See, Kellogg was a sick fuck. He thought that sex would infect him with disease, so he avoided it - even with his own wife! And since he wasn't having sex with his wife, he had to find ways to keep from having sex with himself...and thus began his effort to improve all of our lives.
He started by getting married and never touching his wife. While on his honeymoon, he supposedly wrote his book Plain Facts For Old and Young - his anti-masturbation manual. But Kellogg immediately knew that the only thing "self-abusers" would read were written by people like Chaucer. So, he published his book and devised his own plans for stopping the young men of his time from playing with their joysticks.
Kellogg knew that the only way to keep boys from touching themselves would be to tire them out. So he advocated strenuous physical exercise and hard, manual labor. After all, he kept his morning wood down by taking morning runs. Later, groups would appear that shared Kellogg's revulsion towards onanism (the act of spilling ones seed anywhere other than inside a woman's vagina). The most famous of these groups, the Boy Scouts of America, had literature discussing the prevention of "self-abuse" by young men - but this will be the subject of another blog entirely.
But soon, Kellogg realized exercise wouldn't be enough for this most heinous of, Kellogg set about finding other ways to combat this growing menace.
This led him to going into business with his brother Will. Together with his wife and his brother, J H Kellogg invented Corn Flakes. He described it as "predigested" and hinted that they could "keep the passions of men in check to keep them calm." He expressed a disdain for meats and spices, claiming that they will only increase passions and lusts. He thought that if men became lusty and lacked a partner they would take those lusts out on themselves. J H Kellogg felt sugar did the same thing, which is probably why after the fight that caused his brother to leave their joint venture to start a new cereal company called Kellogg's that Will's first creation was Frosted Flakes. It is little wonder that that bright blue box still makes me horny...I mean whimsical for my childhood.
But diet and exercise still weren't enough to end the masturbatory, Kellogg had to return to the drawing board. This time he came back with an idea so radical that it would have to work - bathing. See, up until this point (the late 1800's) bathing was done rarely to prevent disease and lust. The theory was if he smelled bad enough, she wouldn't want to roll around in the hay with him. Kellogg proposed a new idea - "if it doesn't itch, they won't scratch." Kellogg felt that bathing would keep debris and dirt away from the penis and thus would keep boys from scratching themselves which we all know naturally leads to masturbating.
Kellogg soon realized that even following a healthy lifestyle, exercising, and keeping clean could prevent men from wrestling the purple headed warrior, so, he began to advocate extreme measures.
He felt boys should be circumcised...only when they hit puberty and without any anesthesia, so that they would remember the pain. He suggested metal, torture like devices to discourage the practice. He even said in desperate cases tying boys up at night could work. At one point in his book he mentions castration...but it made me queasy so I skipped that chapter.
But even though his passion was boys touching themselves doesn't mean he wasn't disturbed by the idea of girls getting themselves off either. He felt women shouldn't read anything racy or provocative - like Chaucer and Bronte and anything listed as a Harlequin romance. He thought books like these gave women ideas. Ideas like their men may actually wish to please them in bed. And so these women would then get so excited at that prospect that they would get themselves off.
But he does let us know how to detect whether a child is a "self-abuser." Listed below are a few of the traits he believed indicted that someone liked to touch themselves.
1. Fear. Children that are afraid of monsters in closets or under beds only feel that way because of the evil inside them that is created when they masturbate. Non-masturbating child never get afraid of imaginary things. I think this suggests all children masturbate from a young age.
2. Small breasts. Kellogg believed that if a woman had less than a C cup it was directly related to her being addicted to masturbation.
3. Eating dirt. Yeah that creepy kid that eats clay during recess...its because he can't stop feeling himself up.
4. Getting sick. Kellogg thought that a healthy child suddenly getting ill was directly related to masturbating. He felt that jacking off weakened more than the knees and limited the immune systems ability to function.
5. Teen angst. Yeah that moody emo kid...secretly whacks it all the time. As a matter of fact, Kellogg felt the more drastic the mood swings, the more often the kid did it.
6. Being shy. The only reason a girl should ever be shy is if she plays with herself.
7. Unnatural boldness. However, if a child is "unnaturally bold" it means that they are trying to compensate for the fact that they enjoy self love.
8. Hunger. Only a masturbator wants to eat a lot, everyone else eats only enough to survive.
9. Disgust for bland foods & love of spices. Only masturbators want to eat food that tastes good...everyone else could eat chalk and be nourished.
10. Being pale. Well...I kind of already figured that the kids from Twilight would make this list.
11. Smoking. Using any tobacco product is a clear indication that someone likes to pleasure themselves.
12. Acne. Yep, that kid has pimples, not because of her oily skin, but because she loves herself too much.
13. Biting your nails. He does that so he doesn't scratch himself.
14. Hysteria. This was a catch all used for any womanly disorder from fever to talking back...basically the doctors would masturbate her to relieve the pressure.
So there ya go folks...catch those sinners now that they are adults so we can tie them up and please the right way - using toys bought from an Adult Fun Shop.