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Sunday, April 29, 2012

I (sex)Robot

Sex. One of the most wonderful pastimes we ever discovered. With the right partner it can be amazing - and according to Douglas Hines, that right partner is a robot.
Hines says it's the obvious replacement to human prostitutes! he claims that it won't spread disease (except possibly to the people who have to clean them) and it won't get kidnapped and sold into the sex industry (because if you 'kidnap' a robot, isn't it actually called stealing?)!
Hines unveiled the Roxxxy True Companion at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. The Roxxxy originally weighed in at 120 lbs and stood 5'7" and came in the hair color of your choice. But she wasn't just a sex doll...no she was almost alive.
For instance, the Roxxxy won't have sex with you, if it's not in the mood. It actually sounds a lot like my ex...complains of headaches or wanting to cuddle and hold hands first. I mean isn't the whole point of owning a sex toy to have sex with it? It would be like owning a microwave that required you to play Chopin before cooking your food.
Roxxxy, the realistic sex robot, wants to converse first. She likes discussing your day, your hobbies, your hopes & dreams, your thoughts on classical literature...This is due to the Roxxxy starting in 'Frigid' mode, according to Hines. Hines also claims that she has a "skank mode called Wild Wendy." I must agree the thing does look skanky!

No wait that isn't fair to skanks because these things are down right scary looking...I guess in this case they are a lot like real prostitutes...All the makeup in the world won't make this gadget look good.
Hines said that "people will want to make love to an inanimate object" but isn't having sex with a realistic doll just a few inches from necrophilia? I mean...some of these things look like dead women!
He also claims that they can do everything except cook and clean. I'm pretty sure she can't give me a massage or run me a bath either...
Which brings me to more questions...what do you use for lubrication? Does the robot 'lubricate' itself? Or should its owner buy stock in Astroglide? Also...is this thing safe? It's not like a blow-up doll or a dildo, ya know. It can crush your man parts if it has a android-type seizure! Imagine explaining that one to the doctor! "Yeah doc, my robot short circuited and flattened my penis."
Also, if the Roxxxy is a real companion, does that count as cheating on your significant other? I mean outside of sex, the whole point of a relationship is to share things together - either by talking or experiencing together...I would think sharing with a toy that can comment back constitutes as an affair.
Maybe this is the future that the Jetson's hinted at, but call me old-fashioned as I prefer my women to be made of less plastic...

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Toddler of Terror

Folks, terror has a new ally. A new ally in the form of a 4 year old little girl. Don't let this innocent face fool you - secretly she is a stone cold killer.
That's why I applaud the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) for taking steps to prevent a possible terrorist action. It all started when Michelle Brademeyer and her daughter were returning home from vacation. Her daughter, Isabel, resembles most normal 4-year-old girls. She likes princesses, horses, and, according to the TSA 'small caliber handguns'.
The TSA was convinced that Isabel was plotting to take over the plane. All because Isabel hugged her grandma. You see Grandma supposedly kept setting off alarms. Isabel, perhaps wondering why Grandma was being detained, ran back through security to be with her. Isabel then did something that would completely justify labeling her a terrorist...she hugged her Grammie.
If that isn't a sign that someone is harboring suicidal tendencies, then I don't know what is!
The over-glorified mall cop TSA agent said that she "had seen a gun inside of a Teddy Bear" once. That only proves my theories that bears are plotting our demise! The agent kept insisting that "the old woman passed the girl a handgun." Because everyone knows that old people and small children are very crafty.
The TSA agent did the only the thing you can do after a four-year-old child embraces an elderly person for less than three seconds - she declared a lock-down. TSA agents dragged the crying little girl into side room and not allowed to come into contact with her mom. One of the agents said "the airport will have to be on lock-down and every flight canceled if the girl doesn't cooperate."
Everyone knows that children under 5 are more than capable of complying with the commands of scary strangers carrying guns that forcefully drag them into private rooms away from anyone they may know! Basically the TSA is like that creepy guy that lures kids into his van with candy - only without the CANDY!
Maybe if they had brought candy with them they wouldn't have had to "call for backup because the suspect is not cooperating."
The frightened young girl tried to run away from the geniuses that make up the TSA. This prompted the girls mother to grab her child and try to comfort her...until the caring, sensitive members of the TSA ripped the child from her arms.
Finally the TSA told Michelle that if Isabel didn't cooperate by "not crying and standing still" they would force them to leave the airport. This is completely reasonable. After all, Isabel could have been like that girl from the movie Orphan. In that film, the supposed child turned out to be a 30 something year old midget hellbent on killing her family! Maybe the TSA agents use that film as training material!
Eventually a manager arrived and calmed the situation and Michelle and Isabel were allowed to board the flight. He allowed them to search her while her mother held her and the TSA found...nothing. Which makes this whole scene kind of awkward, right? You would think the TSA would be like "hey, my bad, but we cool now!" But the TSA knew that the girl must be really good at keeping things hidden. That's why even after being allowed they were harassed one last time before boarding.
They thought their problems were over, until they landed in Denver for a connecting flight and the woman checking boarding passes demanded to know which of them was Isabel...and after she was pointed out the woman looked confused...confused because she couldn't believe such an obvious threat had been allowed to fly into Denver...
When contacted the TSA had no comment other than to support the actions that were taken in this incident. That's because they send all of their agents to the best Obedience School's in America. That way they can learn important skills like leering and growling. Also, they are taught to piss on the paper or ask to be let outside! Maybe some are taught to play fetch - oh, wait what am I saying...these breeds aren't that smart.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Banging Before Class

I hated shop class. Mainly because I am not mechanically inclined. All the 'cool' kids, you know the ones - could barely spell their name, but could weld a tree stand together in 27 minutes - would mock me for my failings...I did successfully create a solid uncut steel rod once though!
But on April 4th, a teacher of shop class at William H. Neff Center (a vocational school) in Abingdon, Virginia, decided that he was fed up with his unruly students. Manuael Ernest Dillow, 60, lined 12 students up against a wall, pulled a handgun from his waistband, and fired as many as ten shots at the screaming teenagers. Luckily the gun, and possibly Dillow as well, was only firing blanks.
Dillow had borrowed the gun from a criminal justice class and thought that making his students piss themselves would be the best way to maintain order in the classroom. After all, it's hard to be the big man in the room when your clothes are wet and you are standing in a puddle of yellow liquid.
Dillow was arrested and charged with 12 felonies. That's one felony for every donut the arresting officer had to forfeit to go arrest this ass clown.
Personally, I don't see the harm. They threw a fake grenade at Captain America, why not fire fake bullets at adolescents - do they think they are better than him? Maybe if they hadn't been such babies about it, they would have been selected to wear a goofy outfit so they could fight Nazi's with what basically amounted to a patriotically colored trash can lid.
Besides, in this age of terrorism, wasn't Dillow doing the kids a favor? According to former President, George Bush, terrorists could pop up anywhere, at anytime, and I am sure they would be using real bullets. These kids can probably use this experience to help prevent future hijackings and stuff. Imagine going into your local Kinko's and suddenly Al-Qaeda is waving a Glock in your face - these kids would know exactly how to scream and fall to make the terrorists think all Americans are retarded so attacking us is kind of pointless. They see one of these guys wetting themselves and falling to the ground crying and flopping like a fish, and they may be like "Achmed, perhaps we give the United States too much credit."
I'm not the only one who feels this way because "many parents have come forward in support of what this teacher did." Those parents probably didn't have kids in his class at the time or they weren't selected to be fired upon. I know if I could have watched a teacher humiliate a bully, I would support that teachers actions everyday! Maybe he should have put one real bullet in the chamber and shot a hole in the wall before turning the blanks on the students - that would have really scarred them for life!
I think we should use this outside the classroom too! Think about it, see someone jay-walking - just fire a warning shot! That will teach them to cross at a cross-walk! Or how about when you are late for work and the line is long at Dunkin Donuts? You could fire blanks and move to the front of the line! They may even comp your coffee that day! I'll bet it would work at concerts, movies, and sporting events too. You could even get your pastor to exclude you from tithing on Sunday by waving around this wondrous toy! Using the blanks to force down prices or get better deals is a great idea too! Bet you could even use it to reenact history by 'convincing' natives to give up their property with them!
Santa already is a big fan and I bet Jesus and the Easter Bunny would happily get on board!
All in all, I think this just shows that sometimes the threat of force can have the same results as the force itself - at least in terms of prison sentences...

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

No Diving Allowed, So I Am Going To Belly-Flop

Ever hallucinated while driving? Ever been busy texting, adjusting the radio, applying makeup, calling your friends, grabbing your coffee that you dropped in the floor, or any combination of all these, and realized that you were about to hit something or someone? And was that something you almost collided with a planet? 
A pilot for Air Canada was flying passengers from Toronto to Zurich - funny how some of the best jokes start this way... Anyway, it is apparently okay for pilots to set an alarm clock and take a nap during flights! I mean, why not let the one person who is responsible for the lives and safety of everyone on-board sleep during the boring parts! The perfectly allowed nap was supposed to be only 40 minutes by Canadian regulations, but the crafty pilot managed to sleep for an additional 35 minutes! 
Maybe this is why the cock pits are locked...think about it...how hard would it be to take over a plane if the pilots were sleeping when you attempted to hijack it? It also makes me wonder how many plane crashes were due to heavy sleeping? The alarm is going off in the background, but Captain Jim doesn't hear it and the next thing you know the plane hits a mountain.
Anyway, back to Air Canada...the pilot woke up disoriented. He saw a bright light directly in front of him and freaked out - thinking it was a US C-17 cargo plane headed straight for him! He threw the plane into a nose dive before the co-pilot realized that they were about to collide with the C-17 (which was actually supposed to be below them at 34,000 feet)! The co-pilot pulled on the stick causing the plane to quickly ascend back into the sky. In the span of a few seconds the plane dropped and rose 400 feet - all to avoid hitting Venus. Seconds after pulling back up the C-17 passed 600 feet under them!
That's right...the mystery light that the pilot was so worried about hitting was Venus. The second planet from the sun. Unless we have suddenly acquired the technology from Star Wars, I have to ask what the pilot was smoking before his nap. Because if he was fucked up in some way, at least then it would make sense. After all, once while drinking absinthe, I thought Mars was going to fall on me and crush me like a Cheez-It.
16 passengers were injured during the rise and fall of flight of Air Canada 878. The passengers described the flight as something from a horror movie. People were being thrown around, food carts were on the ceiling, flight attendants ended up in some guys lap - okay that last part might not have been that bad...Imagine that you are sleeping, your seat-belt is undone, and suddenly everyone is screaming and you're on the ceiling! I imagine it looked like a life size version of Hungry, Hungry Hippos - only replace the marbles with people and the hippos with parts of the plane! 
I wonder if anyone was in the bathroom trying to join the mile high club? If so, do you think they may have thought they caused the turbulence? She could have been like "Brad did the plane move?" and he would have answered "Yeah baby, it moved for me too."
The flight crew supposedly offered all the passengers free peanuts and coffee to smooth the situation over. Then they suggested that even though the fasten seat-belts light was not on, perhaps everyone should wear one for the rest of the flight.
This story, along with the one I told you a few weeks back about the pilot wanting to take people to see Jesus, is one of the reasons I drive everywhere. And at least while driving, I won't end up on Venus...

Friday, April 13, 2012

Integration of Church and State

Folks, it's time to get back to what's important: namely the reintegration of church and state! I can't tell you how great this idea actually is, but I know it must be because so many people seem to advocate this concept!
That's why I applaud Southwest DeKalb High School for holding their graduation at the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church. And I am appalled that one student is refusing to attend because she feels it violates this imaginary idea of separation of church and state. Sure the Constitution says that church and state should be separate, but that was just a suggestion! Besides, the Constitution is a dead letter anyway, right? It's not like anyone follows that thing anymore! And even if people did still respect the Constitution, we all know that they didn't mean that part about religion anymore than your parents meant to lie to you about Santa Claus or about Jesus even being born in December.
We all know that the only reason they even hinted at that was make sure people didn't accuse us of copying Rome by naming our countries leader Pope. The signs are all there that church and state are meant to be united! That's why in the 50's we added a line to the Pledge of Allegiance stating we lived in "One Nation, under God." Our leaders knew that the best way to fight 'godless commies' was to make them say oaths to a deity they didn't share.
The school is merely trying to teach kids what's important: Jesus.They don't care if the student body is comprised of Muslim, Jew, or any other non-Christian group, they insist on teaching kids a concept you can also learn from playing football - if you are gonna make it in this world, it will require a few 'Hail Marys'. They also know that any students that enter the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church will be permanently converted to Christianity with no take backs. Why do you think it's called 'New Birth', duh!
But apparently, Nahkoura Mahnassi, a 16-year-old student, feels that she shouldn't be forced to attend because she isn't a Christian...
My question is, why should she be special? Everyone else in America is forced to do lots of things by Christians! Want birth control? Well, your Christian boss may not approve it for your insurance plan. Want an abortion? Well, your Christian neighbor's may burn your house down. Want to have an occasional drink or sex-fueled orgy? Your Christian colleagues will gossip about that for months and tell people that you are the devil.
Because that's the best part of being a Christian! You get to forget everything that the bible says about not judging and loving everyone as you love yourself, and instead criticize anything that you want! And if you happen to 'sin' in a way that you previously criticized, well that just means you fell along the path and will soon be back on the straight and narrow - unlike that one guy who did the same thing, he's a monster!
Take the pastor of the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church, Eddie Long, for instance. Eddie was accused of sexual misconduct with underage boys back in 2010. But Eddie settled out of court and then he repented of his sins! I know I love the idea that my son can get life advice from a guy who may or may not have molested other boys! Imagine the pearls of wisdom he could give on making the situation less awkward!
I think Nakhoura is being uppity - where else does she expect the school to hold a ceremony for one of the largest graduating classes from SDHS? You can't expect kids to graduate on a football field like my class did!
So Nakhoura, I say deal with it. The law is on their side...mainly because they wrote, interpret, and enforce it.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

My Award Winning Honorable Mention

Today I did something that I don't usually do - I competed in a contest. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I am not competitive, I just don't like vying for prizes. Most competitions make me think it's gym class again and I'm being picked last for Dodge Ball...no, I can't dodge a wrench so please don't throw that!
This contest was different though...it was a poetry contest. Okay so people compete in poetry contests all the time, how can this one be any different? Because they let me enter a poem that was born here - in Sympathy For.
The competition started off fiercely, you could see the poets measuring each other up like a they were about to cage fight! One guy gave me a look that said, "hey man, you're pretty cool" so I responded with a look that said "oh yeah, well up yours too, buddy." One of the poet's went to grab my arm under the guise of wishing me luck, sure she said she was just going to shake my hand but I know how hard it is to read with a broken wrist! I saw through their smiles and knew that secretly they were sneering...like wolves waiting for a calf to stray from the herd - I knew I had to be vigilant! I responded with a smug expression that let the whole world know - I got this.
One by one, they read their poems...then it was my turn. I got up and looked into the audience - and after suppressing the urge to vomit, scream for my mother, and run from the room...I glanced at my poem.
I knew it was good because I had written it using my blogs as source material . I had compiled an avant garde poem (a poem meant to push boundaries of what is acceptable). I built this poem line by line taking random sentences from random blogs linked together in a way that was meant to amaze and stun. With all the grace of a drunken reindeer, I began to read. My goal here was to shock and awe the audience and not let on that I was afraid that the bears could burst in and end our gathering at any minute...
 And I succeeded (also the bears didn't burst in and end our gathering).
No, I didn't win (as my title suggests) but they felt so bad for me that they created a whole new category: Most Creative Use of Imagery. They awarded me this title, along with a gift card to Barnes & Noble, snapped my picture and shook my hand.
The other participants were good and each deserved to win. I am, after all, not a poet...as you will soon see.
Maybe if I had talked about that guy that loved dolphins, or maybe if I had mentioned my take on Valemercialism Day, I would have stood a better chance at winning.
Maybe...or maybe I should stick to what I do best...

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Easter Is A Booming Business

Easter egg hunts don't usually end with a bang, but the one that took place in Holford, England got kind of explosive. Normally these events blow up due to parents fighting over the eggs their children are hunting for - but the reasons for this flare up was less Jerry Springer and more Michael Bay.
That's because a three-year-old boy found a hand grenade hidden among the eggs and candy. Technically, the three-year-old boy was just standing on top of it and a nearby Stuart Moffatt, a 34-year-old father of three, actually saw the incendiary device.
Stuart was there with his wife Victoria (a very British sounding name) and their two girls Nelly, 5, Isla, 2, and son, Freddie, 11 months. "We were just counting up the eggs when I looked over and saw what looked like an egg," Stuart said. "The boy was just standing there and thought it was a rock." I think Stuart planned to snake an extra Easter egg for his kids. Stuart soon realized though that "it was no Easter egg."
The bomb squad was called out and everyone was moved out of the area. Police identified the device as a World War II hand grenade. They then determined the best way to deal with the device would be to pull the pin and toss it in a field. I imagine they high-fived each other afterwards!
I think the kids could have come up with the same solution. Of course, they may have wanted to dye it with cochineal beetles before "blowing the thing to kingdom come." I mean, the cops aren't there for five minutes before they decide that the best thing they can do with a relic from World War II is blow it the hell up! Doesn't stuff like this belong in a museum? Shouldn't they have tried to disarm it and then put it on display somewhere? That's like finding an old beer keg and just deciding to drink whatever happened to be inside it. You aren't even sure it's beer - its been sitting in Eddie's barn for 30 years - but you decide to drink it anyway!
If my kid had found a grenade, I would have never called the police. That would be going in daddy's closet. I would have paid kids a quarter each to find me more! I may have even offered a dollar pound to any kid that found me a landmine! After all, explosives are the best way to keep Jehovah Witnesses off the lawn!
I think instead of hiding eggs to celebrate fertility, we should hide weapons and ordinance to celebrate America! We could call it the Annual Bomb Raid!
Think about it - little Johnnie is wandering around looking for ammunition and maybe a new Glock! They could even manufacture the shell casings in pretty pastel colors! Winchester, I think you are missing out on a potential gold mine - after all Santa is packing so why shouldn't the Easter Bunny be?

Sunday, April 8, 2012

I'd Order A Coffee, But Something Has Been Bugging Me

Ah, Easter. A day dedicated to junk food hiding beneath the guise of a religious veneer. How many of you today went out hiding eggs? And how many of you used food coloring to dye those eggs? And how much of that food coloring was made from bugs?
I ask because Starbucks is once again in the media. What did they do to earn the spotlight this time? They stopped using artificial food coloring agents and started using all natural dyes. Now this sounds like a good thing, right? So, why are people upset that Starbucks is using these natural dyes in their Strawberries & Creme Frappuccino's? Because those drinks are dyed using crushed up cochineal bugs. And what are cochineal bugs?
Well, glad you asked!
Cochineal Beetles are native to Mexico and South America. They feed predominately on cacti, and most importantly, they make a pretty shade of red when crushed! These bugs are crushed up and put in everything from Yoplait Yogurts to Revlon lipstick to some Kellogg's Poptarts - even in Popsicles! Basically, if it is colored red and has no artificial coloring then it is made from bugs!
In fact, the beetle has been used for almost 1,000 years to dye fabrics. This stuff is used almost everywhere! Because they produce Carminic acid, the dye is usually called carmine dye.
Vegans are up in arms with Starbucks, because they naturally want to avoid bug tainted coffee drinks. I don't see what the big deal is - it's not like insects count as meat anyway! Plus, there are bugs in almost every grain that is sold in a grocery store! That's right, think about that when you eat Spaghetti and Boll Weevils.
Besides, what will they use to dye the Strawberry Frap's red if they don't use the beetles? You expect them to use strawberries? That's crazy talk! The only thing crazier would be to not dye it at all! It only makes sense that a strawberry drink be dyed to look like strawberries. No one wants to drink a strawberry drink that resembles water! I'm sure that if you ask people, they would much rather keep the red dye in all the foods using it. Why do you think some flavors of Snapple have a protein statistic? It's because they use this beetle!
I think Vegan's just need to suck it up...after all that's why Starbuck's provides a straw with all their iced coffee beverages...

Thursday, April 5, 2012

I Am Sick Of These Mother@#$%ing Snakes On This Mother&^%$ing Plane!

Sometimes I wonder if there is a God. And then sometimes I think, if there is he probably has a great sense of humor. Probably watches a lot of B Movies, smokes a little of the good shit, and laughs at the situations we end up in.
Because otherwise, what happened to Braden Blennerhassett is just an incredible coincidence.
Braden is a typical pilot from Australia. He likes Foster's Beer and always orders the Alice Springs Chicken, but shortly after taking off on Tuesday his typical day became anything but!
To quote Braden who was quoting Samuel L Jackson, "I've got snakes on a plane."
That's right as in a serpent. On his plane. Apparently a Golden Tree Snake had chased a frog onto the plane and just as Braden was leveling the plane off, the snake made its appearance - by slithering down his leg.
Now, rest easy folks...Golden Tree Snakes aren't venomous, but this didn't calm Braden down at all. That's because Golden Tree Snakes can fly. Without an airplane. That is creepy as hell.
Braden, like Samuel L Jackson, bravely made a call to air traffic control (to let them know that he was needing to immediately land) right before he pissed himself. I would have probably pissed myself first, called air traffic control using a voice reminiscent of a screaming 12 year old girl right before crashing the plane into the nearest lake in an effort to drown the bastard.
I can only wonder why the snake was really on board. Did Samuel L Jackson need this in the news to help promote the DVD? Maybe the snake was trying to get more flight time under its scales. Or perhaps it wanted to go sky-diving. Or maybe the snake was tired of flying economy class. Regardless, Braden didn't ask.
The local fire department briefly saw the snake after the plane landed, but they were unable to catch it. Which means lurking somewhere in the plane is a flying reptile. A plane that Braden says is grounded until the snake is found.
I can't say that I blame him...if I found a snake on motorcycle or in my car, I would probably never drive it again.
Other places that I would rather not find a snake:
  1. In the toilet...after I sat down.
  2. On a roller coaster. I figure these make me scream enough, no need to add panic induced heart attack to the mix.
  3. In the same drawer as the sex toys. This would make me take a vow of celibacy.
  4. In my bed. Sure, some of my ex's may qualify for this term, but there is something not quite so peaceful about cuddling up with a slithery reptile.
  5. As a prize in my cereal. I love Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms but I wouldn't consider myself too lucky the first time one of these creepy crawlers lands in my bowl.
I could have named more situations but the thought just slithered away.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

If This Is Torture, Leave Me Bound In A Sex Shop

Folks, I must admit that I like being restrained. Scarves, belts, tie-down straps, chains - even handcuffs! I especially like the fuzzy kind!
Which is why I am not surprised that a man inside an Orange, Connecticut sex shop had to be liberated from a pair of hand cuffs. I mean, every time I see a pair, I am inclined to put them on without checking to see if there is a key. Because there has to be a key, right?
Apparently, the sex shop didn't have a key...
So, now we have a guy in cuffs, possibly wearing assless leather chaps, handcuffed to a wall on the inside of an Adult Entertainment Store.
Cue the fire department! Of course, firemen don't know anything about locks, but the owners of the sex store thought they could use a chuckle. Imagine being bent over and chained to something while a bunch of big, sweaty men are standing over you giggling. But since this wasn't a remake of Deliverance, the prisoner didn't get his prison movie experience.
At this point I'm sure his wrists were hurting, so they now called in the local Police Department. The officers tried to unlock the cuffs with several keys - after they, too, stopped laughing at the poor pervert.
But alas, it was to no avail...the poor, unnamed man was still stuck.
Then taking a page from the Dominatrix Handbook, police broke out the bolt-cutters. I wonder if the officers made him beg permission to be freed, before lightly slapping his ass with a riding crop?
Surely though this isn't the most embarrassing way to have cops called while visiting a sex shop...at least he wasn't using any of the toys. Talk about "Good Vibrations."
I just want to know why he put on the all metal cuffs. I mean, he is a bit of a sadist. Unless you are a police officer of some kind, you don't need these! What else was he buying that day: some rope, some duct tape, and some chloroform? I think they should have looked at missing persons reports and find out if this guy was nearby any of them.
Officers weren't sure if he was forced to pay for the broken cuffs, but I am sure that he did - in the form of his pride and dignity.