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Thursday, May 31, 2012

I've Judged You, Just Don't Judge Me

Justice is a swift sword that slices through wrong doers like a hot knife through butter. This is the message that the honorable Judge Lanny Moriarty of Montgomery County, Texas sent to a 17-year-old criminal. He wanted to make an example of this girl to teach people in similar circumstances that the law will hold them accountable. Circumstances that include not having a prior record and being an honor student taking both high school and college AP courses.
And what did Diane Tran do that earned her a night in jail plus a fine? She worked two jobs to support herself and her two siblings while maintaining a high Grade Point Average in both high school and college because her parents were off finding themselves.
Wait...what? How is this a crime? Oh, because of the amount of work she was doing and the late nights doing homework, Diane was missing class. And Judge Moriarty knows that is the worst kind of criminal scum...the kind of criminal scum that works a full-time job and a part-time job to keep her younger siblings from starving. Moriarty knows that all good children aged 5 to 17 work at least 75 hours a week for pennies a day!
Moriarty had this to say about fining a child that is the sole income for three people, "a night in jail and a fine won't hurt her and may do some good." Because possibly causing three minors to lose the only source of income they have is a good deed!
Moriarty knows that the law must not be skirted and must always be followed at all times - with no exception! Like the time he was accused of illegal campaign contributions in a court case before the Texas Ethics Commission. A case in which he neither admitted nor denied guilt. A case that could have included jail time, fines, and removal from office. A case that only resulted in a fine of $2,800. Because Moriarty knows that "a night in jail" might "hurt" him and losing his job won't do any good!
That's how non-hypocritical this guy is! He lives the sentences he passes down! If he orders a young girl to jail, you can bet it's only because he is willing to be there himself...or maybe not so much. His ruling has made it clear that he believes that victims of neglect should be punished for their parents crimes!
But one could say that this judge had a change of heart. Merely days after handing down this sentence he rescinded the jail time and the fine - probably due to the fact that the website located here earned over 250,000 signatures asking for him to do just that in merely a few hours. And reversing the decision only happened after the media has gotten involved. Another website is raising money for the girl so that she can concentrate on her studies and that site is located here.
I would also like to start a petition to remove Judge Lanny Moriarty from his office. Texas voters, I know most of you aren't inbred, racist assholes that would punish a young Vietnamese girl for doing something most adults couldn't do, so go to the polls and get the alleged racist, inbred asshole off the bench...since apparently your courts won't do it for you each time he breaks the law...
A copy of the court ruling that found Moriarty had indeed committed campaign fraud can be found here.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I Don't Know What's Eating You - Face It You're A Zombie!

Folks, get your flamethrowers, shotguns, rifles, and banjos ready, because the "Zombie Apocalypse" is upon us. This past Saturday in Miami, a zombie man was shot and killed by a police officer while he was munching on another mans face. The naked zombie man was asked by law enforcement to stop eating his victim several times. The zombie man, Rudy Eugene age 31, merely looked up with a blank stare and growled. Did I also mention that Rudy was naked?
Because if I didn't let me emphasize that a naked guy was discovered eating another guys face in Miami! The officer shot Rudy once and Rudy ignored it and merely growled and kept eating. The officer kept shooting Rudy at that point, until Rudy died (witnesses claim the officer fired at least 6 more times)...After Rudy was taken down, medical staff discovered he had eaten nearly 80% of his victim's face...
Folks, scientists and law enforcement are going to tell you that a new designer drug version of LSD called "bath salts" is to blame for Rudy becoming a cannibal. That's because the government doesn't want you to know that the movies 30 Days of Night, Night of the Living Dead, and Zombieland were actually educational films meant to prepare us for the menace that is now upon us.
My advice is run, get someplace safe, stockpile some weapons, some food, and distrust anyone that isn't you - because you cannot tell if someone is infected just by looking at them! Unless when you look at them, they have a gaping hole in their chest and are trying to eat you...then it is safe to say that you can tell if they are infected or not...
I mean sure, drugs such as PCP make people violent. PCP is one of many drugs that causes an effect called 'delirium'. Delirium is a state where the body's organs feel like they are on fire and the drug user feels the need to be naked. And sure it is possible that Rudy could have been tripping balls on a form of acid that makes a person violent while experiencing delirium making him think he was eating filet mignon...but how is that more likely than the possibility of a super virus escaping an underground lab somewhere and infecting homeless people turning them into mindless flesh-eating monsters incapable of intelligible speech! Or the other very possibility - the dead are rising from their graves to eat us! Wasn't that possibility mentioned by Jesus? After he became a zombie?
This is why we have to prepare now! Let's stockpile all the essentials: like Twinkies! Never underestimate how important these things are! The whole plot to Zombieland revolved around a bad-ass zombie killer trying to find a box of them! It's the old "If you store them, he will come" scenario. And since everyone lived in that movie, this is your best chance at survival. Okay, so Bill Murray died, but he was already pretending to be a zombie anyway and if that doesn't qualify you as already dead - I don't know what does!
Another thing to remember is that regular guns are nowhere near as effective as everyday household objects for fighting off legions of mindless flesh eating monsters. Look at the game Dead Rising. You could kill zombies with Nerf ball launchers and ping pong balls. Those are a lot easier to find than ammunition for a 12 gauge!
And since zombies can open doors in movies and they typically aren't enough to break windows, just get enough canned raviolis to wait them out - eventually they will starve! Zombies also can't maybe just get a houseboat for a weekend. By the time you go to get your deposit back, they will have all perished!
Actually...I am beginning to think that these guys really aren't much of a threat. Anything you can kill with a Nerf gun is about as dangerous as tadpoles...and since the only way that a Nerf gun can kill tadpoles is by absorbing the water they swim in, I give the advantage in a zombie vs tadpole fight to the amphibians.
Basically after reviewing everything I know about zombies, if one manages to kill you then you probably have only lived this long out of sheer luck. You are probably the type to blow dry your hair in the shower in an effort to save time! Or you use a fork as a toast extraction tool. Or you, like, lick exposed wires.
Which brings me back to Rudy's victim...
Maybe the guy Rudy was trying to eat just thought they were going hug and make out. Because I know I would be excited to have a random homeless guy rushing at me with his mouth open and arms wide open!
Rudy's unaware victim, is now in critical condition at the hospital...this victim had no warning about the zombies...he wasn't prepared...
Will you be?

Monday, May 28, 2012

She's A Man, Baby!

I hate going to the Doctor. She always gives you news that you don't want to hear, like: It's cancer. You need a liver transplant. It's syphilis. You're actually a woman.
Three of those aren't that bad to deal with...
Steve Crecelius, however, got the other one. Steve went to the hospital to have a kidney stone removed. He entered the hospital the father of six and husband of 25 years...he left the hospital the mother of six and wife of a wife he was the husband of for 25 years...
That's because all these years...Steve was not a man...he was in fact...a woman.
If this had happened to 1st question would be to the woman who claimed I had fathered six children...and I think we all know what I would ask..."Do I look fat in this dress?"
See, Steve is actually both a man...and a woman. He is sort of like a hermaphrodite, only instead of having both sex organs - he has a random mix of them! It's as if his DNA was stoned as it formed him and kept forgetting what it was doing. Do you think this what happened to the Ken doll?
So after living for 40 something years as a man and then being told he may actually be a woman, Steve does the only thing that makes sense to him. He starts wearing wigs, lipstick, dresses, and thongs, and changes his name to Stevie.
Stevie currently lives as a woman with her wife Debbie... His wife Debbie is okay with the changes...mainly because it saves money on hygiene products now that they use the same things. Debbie says that she "didn't sign on for this...but she's still the same person she was" before she found out she wasn't a he.
She has been very supportive, but I must admit in her place this would have made me have many questions.
The couple currently live in Colorado, which makes me wonder if the state recognizes same marriage...Since Stevie is a man who was born a woman...does that make him (Steve) straight or her (Stevie) a lesbian? Or is Stevie bi? Actually...I think I am a lesbian, so maybe I wouldn't have as many questions as I originally thought I might.
Frankly, I think Steve just wanted an excuse to buy shoes and a new wardrobe every six weeks. It's okay brother! You don't have to have some elaborate excuse for why you want to wear a sundress! I wear a's basically the same thing!
 Just man up and admit you like panty hose and thigh high boots! You don't need a crazy story about having ovaries to explain these fetishes. Hell, I like to dress up like Annie and sing show tunes from time to's just called being a normal heterosexual male! Put a little Cher on...turn on the camcorder...put some stage make-up on so that the camera catches you at your best...sing and dance the night away - or at least til the battery dies on the recorder!
I think telling the neighbors that the doctor cut your penis off would have been an easier sell than telling them that you will be doing the breast-feeding from then on! How come it took so long for you to find out that you're a woman anyway? Was there no such things as ultrasounds before 5 years ago (the time of the kidney stones)? Did your parents treat you like Norman Bates mom did? Did they dress you up in the shower and make you keep corpses in the attic? Okay maybe Bates didn't quite do that, but still...
I think Stevie is a quitter because he/she/it still has a penis...Stevie if you really want the world to know your devotion to being a woman, see a doctor and cut off your &*^%.

Friday, May 25, 2012

My Little Brony

Folks, there is a new phenomenon sweeping the nation. One that I am happy to be a part of! I am happy because this phenomenon epitomizes everything there is to being a man. That's right! It's a man's movement!
Total machismo. Total testosterone. Totally alpha masculine. Totally about a bunch of pastel colored horses and unicorns.
That's right guys, the newest craze sweeping the nation for teenage boys to grown men is: My Little Pony.
Nothing says uber-manly than a lilac pony named Twilight Sparkle.
It all started back in the 80's when Hasbro tried to reach the girls the same way it reached boys with Transformers - by turning a cheap, unmovable plastic horse into a cartoon. And they succeeded by creating The My Little Pony's. Flash forward a few decades...
Now everything that was old is hip again. Transformers is a box office smash and Hasbro thought maybe they could re-create that same magic with a new cartoon. But this time, boys weren't interested in the animated tales of Bumblebee and wanted something cooler.
Maybe boys shied away because so many girls fell for Bumblebee's  beautiful chassis, or maybe Transformers just wasn't boyish enough...whatever the reason, boys were still looking for that next great animated feature.
Not to be deterred, Hasbro decided to bring back the show that kept 8-year-old girls enthralled for over a decade. They wanted to show little girls that My Little Pony could retain its wholesomeness while being relevant and edgy.
How could they not love this, thought Hasbro. How could anyone not love this! It's freaking pink, purple, and a whole mess of other pastel colored ponies that can talk and go on adventures. After all, we have all dreamed of roaming the wild west with nothing but our personal talking pony for our companion! Besides, women love horses! That's the only reason they aren't extinct. It's not like we use them to travel anymore. As a species whose sole existence is based on the service it can provide to humans, they rank right up there with prairie dog.
But Hasbro didn't consider one possibility...that everyone would love My Little Pony. And by everyone, I mean a bunch of dudes that are over 30. Dudes that do masculine activities like play World of Warcraft and speak Klingon.
They also forgot one major rule in this system of patriarchy that we all live in: anything that is successful and aimed at women must be co-opted by men. And co-opt they did.
Soon, a whole new fraternity was born: The Bronies. They would create cute little catch phrases like: instead of fist bump we will "bro-hoof". That is so f%%%ing adorable.
Not since Twilight has something sparkled so much as these ponies and their adoring legions. Soon, the phenomenon spread to boys aged 15 and up. These boys experienced the same delightful feelings that the old dudes felt.
Old dudes starting hanging out with young dudes. They would pet each others ponies and brush each others ponies hair. They would giggle as they shifted a pony from one shelf to another (because these pony's have no moving parts, that's about all you can do with them).
Now they all could play together by sharing pics of their little ponies on the internet. Over a hundred websites are dedicated to this movement and most offer flash-ing games. Craig's List has ads of men looking for other men to bond with on this very subject! And by bond we are pretty sure he means circle jerk.
There's even a website for Tallahassee that claims, "we have over a dozen bronies willing to do anything with for our cute little ponies. Join us only if you are man enough."
And why shouldn't men love this! The main theme is the search for "cutie marks"! That's the cute little tattoos that appear on the ponies asses whenever they discover a new talent. I think this is the shows way of helping you explain that ink you got during your senior trip to Guatemala. "No mom, it's not like that, this tattoo represents the fact that I can handle 6 shots of tequila before I pass out naked with random strangers. Look at this video to see how talented I was."
Another central theme is friendship! Or at least what you can learn about friendship from a pony with a punk rock hairdo who is stalking her friends to learn about friendship. See, I just learned that playing peeping tom outside of your friends house is okay!
I also know that many celebrities are now bronies! And supposedly so are people like: Hitler, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Charlie Sheen, and that guy that makes the donuts.
So American men, join me as I join the bronies! Let's unite alongside our brothers and share their obsession with animals named Cheerilee and AppleJack. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Expiration Dates Are Merely Suggestions

Folks...I need breakfast. But being a professional college student and professional blogger doesn't do much for paying the bills. So, instead of heading to the grocery store because I am broke I am instead pouring through the pantry looking for anything that would constitute a meal!
This is how I clean the pantry - by eating things that should have been thrown away years ago! If your pantry is anything like mine, it's a wonderland of new and exciting images! I mean, some of this stuff I don't even remember buying! So, every time I go through it - it's like an adventure!
To my delight and surprise the first item I locate is a box of Cherry Pop-tarts! Sure the box is dated May of 2003 but it's vacuum sealed! It has to be good, right? besides, It's FROSTED! I mean, you can't say no to a frosted Pop-tart. I don't care if it's been dead for a decade, this can't be the worst thing I have ever eaten. Hell, the Chinese bury eggs for centuries and then they dig those up and eat them! So, this is basically the same thing! I open it up and notice it has a lot of fuzzy sprinkles on it! That means I will need milk!
But man cannot live on hairy Poptarts alone, so I return to the pantry!
Canned products are supposed to last 20 or 30 years. That's why they suggest that we store them away. So, this can of Campbell's Chunky Firehouse Chili should be fine! Sure the can is a little rusty and it is dated 'Dec 2007', but like that ever stopped anyone from eating it!
It's about this time that I notice I have another can of chili in the cabinet...this one by Hormel and it is 2 years fresher! Score!
And now I just found dessert! A half eaten box of Minute Tapioca that I bought sometime before the 26th of October in 2008! If I add a little sugar, I don't think I will notice the difference!
Which brings me to my point: these sell by dates are only suggestions! They don't mean anything! There are so many preservatives in this stuff that thousands of years from now when a future archaeologist digs us up to study, our food will still be there ready to microwave!
And speaking of the microwave, just nuke the food that may be spoiled and "wah lah!", the bacteria is dead!
This is gotta be healthier than the 40 something year old McDonald's hamburger that one guy has had on display since he bought it!
I think expiration dates are just the food industries way of convincing us to throw perfectly good stuff away! This way they can convince us to buy more stuff that if we fail to finish by the expiration dates, we can throw that away too! And we wonder why we live next to landfills...
Besides it is a common fact that some things never expire! Like Twinkies (sorry Zombieland fans)!
So, to prove that this stuff is perfectly fine...I am going to prepare it...and then consume it. yes, I am doing this partly because I am too lazy to go to the store, but also because I believe in what I am doing. goes...
*Puts fuzzy pop-tarts in toaster.*
*Gets can opener*
I think I will start with the newest can of chili...the one that expired in 2009. *Opens can* See, it looks fine...smells really sweet, to open the other one...This can may be a bit bloated and rusty, but I laugh in the face of Botulism...mainly because I know people that have injected into their faces...
*Almost vomits.* Okay...perhaps...*almost vomits again*...perhaps I am mistaken...Perhaps, some things DO go out of date...or since I have never had Campbell's Firehouse Chili before, maybe this is just how it is supposed to be!
*After a brief interlude that involves me running to the toilet and losing my appetite and tossing the opened can of chili at the homeless dude wandering the neighborhood, I am back and ready to continue my experiment.*
I must admit the fuzzy Pop-tarts are comforting to my's like I put slippers on my tongue!
I must also admit, I am leery of trying the chili...the first experience is still too fresh in my mind...
*Takes open can of chili and throws it at homeless man still wandering the neighborhood.*
What? Saves him from digging through my trashcan to find it! That's like my good deed of the day! Sure, I know he would rather have some smack or some alcohol, but beggars cannot be choosers!
So there you have it...avoid can chili's and eat expired Pop-tarts!
I'm sure that even Kellogg's couldn't have created a better marketing strategy than that!

Monday, May 21, 2012

This Tops Them All...More Or Less

Ladies, you have a new advocate. A woman daring to stand up for your rights. A girl that will break your shackles by shedding the garments of tyranny...or she will at least shed her clothing for you anyway!
That's because Moira Johnston is crusading for your right to bare arms breasts.
You see, in New York City (NYC) women have had the right to be topless since 1992 anywhere that a man is legally allowed to be - which is pretty much anywhere! That's right! Since 1992, you can be an amateur stripper anywhere in the city of New York! Minus the benefits like pay and protection, but things like objectification are still very much there! Otherwise all these random pictures of topless Moira wandering around NYC wouldn't be so easy to find on Google!
I say, Bravo! I mean what better way to advance the idea that women are more than sex objects than by parading through the busy streets of NYC topless while pausing for photographs! Moira claimed that posing for pictures was to help prepare "Americans for seeing this in our culture." She also claimed that everyone was "very supportive". That probably has nothing to do with the fact that she is young and attractive!
Because lets face it: I think most people (myself included) should remain clothed. I don't want to see that! I don't even want to see me! I catch glimpses in the mirror and freak out thinking that a strange naked obese burglar has broken into my home - then I remember that's just how I look without clothes!
Why would I ever wish to inflict that horror on someone else? That's why I wear 8 layers of clothing when I go swimming or water-skiing!
But Moira is happy with the "gifts" she was born with! And maybe...Maybe I should be too! Maybe we all should be! I started my quest for breasts...I mean for equality with the Go Topless website. Turns out there is an international go topless day every year! And NYC is a big supporter of the movement! The founder of the movement claims that it is a spiritual lifestyle. The founder, Claude Vorilhon (AKA Raël), is a the creator of the religion known as Raëlism. The name Raël means "Messenger of the Elohim." In this religion, Raël claims that he encountered UFO's and they enlightened him to the truths of the universe.The alien he met called himself Yahweh and told Raël that when he created man and woman, he never intended for them to be clothed. Yahweh then explained that since man decided that they shouldn't be naked, while disappointed that his peep show had ended - he was okay with it...until man decided that he could be topless and women couldn't. The alien said man shouldn't be so hypocritical and that if a man is allowed to go about without a shirt, then women should be as well! In other words "free your breasts to free your mind". Raël went onto write several books on his experiences and he started the Go Topless Movement AKA the Raëlism Movement.
I think this was either the craziest thing ever...or perhaps...this pervert is the most brilliant man alive!
That's why I am officially supporting the 'GO TOPLESS' movement! I think we should all just move past these archaic views of the human body and get rid of all clothing! We could rename our country the Nudist States of America! Although at first I am sure my...ahem..Republic would 'stand', after we got used to everyone being clothing free we would be much happier! Plus, think of all the money we would save on fashion expenditures! Because it's only right that everyone be allowed to show off their bodies however they want! Because nudity is a serious matter! Just look at how professional these protesters are in how they present themselves! Nothing says this nothing to do with being a sex object like wearing angel wings!
Besides, I think this could also be good for the economy and spur growth as well! Think of all the bracelet and body paint manufacturers that will be able to sell new goods! Tattoo parlors would probably see an increase in business as well! Gyms would most likely get a spike in membership! Food companies are already encouraging this idea with products like Naked Juice and Naked Granola!
I also think this will help relax the morality police! Think about it, if they are fighting the fact that everyone is naked then they will most likely be too busy to care that gay people are getting married!
Now don't get me wrong, there will be downsides to being naked all the spilling hot beverages or cheese dips! And I will feel bad for anyone that has leather seats! But overall the pros outweigh the cons! Mainly because they eat really well and prison food sucks...
So America, get with the program! We need to Suit Up! Or Unsuit as the case may be! Because until we strip away our fears of public nudity, until we have divested ourselves of self-loathing, until we are ready to uncover the starkest of the truths, we will remain raw and exposed to doubt, and we will never be open to discover what's underneath it all - stretch marks!

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Bye Bye (Spy) Birdie

I hate birds...have I mentioned that before? But at least I am not as crazy about my blind hatred of small flying creatures like some people are...and by some people I mean the people that live in a country named for one - Turkey!
See, some Turks believe that birds are working with their enemies in a plot to spy on them.
Wait...what? (Looks at that again just to make sure I read it correctly.)
Apparently, villagers in south-eastern Turkey mistook a small migratory bird for an Israeli spy...(I seriously can't make this shit up.)
See, what happened was, someone from a village near the city of Gaziantep found a dead European bee-eater. This small bird which averages around 11 inches in length was discovered dead with a gold ring attached to its leg...a gold ring that merely said "Israel". This was enough evidence to convince the entire village that the bird was sent there to spy on them!
I think the bird deliberately tried to trick the people of Turkey to go to war with Israel! Kind of like how squirrels bait you into wrecking your car by dashing across the road just as you are trying to pass!
What did they think was going to happen? Did they think the bird was going fly back to Israel and tell the Prime Minister that everyone in Gaziantep was an idiot?
Turkeys (the birds) are known for being so stupid that they let themselves get eaten on the same day every year...but I think they are smarter than these villagers! If the bird had been alive, would they have interrogated it? Somehow I don't think water-boarding a small avian creature would get results...
Imagine if these guys had found a bear with an Israel ring! At least then I could be like, 'hey, it could happen.'
I'm just surprised the ring said Israel! Isn't all that stuff made in China these days?
The best part is that "it took an official from the [Agriculture] ministry some effort to convince local police that the bird wasn't a national security issue." Were these the same cops trying to find Tupac's killer? Because if so, then at least now I understand why the case is still unsolved! I wouldn't be surprised if these cops thought everyone in Israel attended Hogwarts and used owls to send each other messages!
Imagine if the bird had been found near a Dunkin' Donuts - those guys would have become convinced Israel was trying to steal their secret recipes or something! Or were they afraid that this bird was an advance bombing scout ready to rain down Israel's enemies?
This sounds like the script from that parody movie Hot Shots! Or maybe these guys just watch way too much Jesse Ventura. Didn't he do a show about this very thing?
Of course maybe I am being to hard on the people of Turkey...maybe the bird did something to tip them order a vodka martini shaken - not stirred!
Maybe the bird had on a bow-tie as well as the ring - I mean that would be suspicious, right? Or maybe it was caught telling a salamander that the eagle won't be flying til Thursday and that's why it got this lousy assignment."
I think for fun, Israel should randomly tag animals and set them loose in or near the Turkish borders! Imagine the fun that would ensue if they found a "badass honey badger" wandering the countryside wearing an Israeli ring!  I say tag a tree sloth! Or a walrus! That will keep them guessing!
Tag enough animals and these guys may declare war - on a zoo! "Watch out Bill, the camel is loaded."
This would be the easiest war ever to win. Just keep releasing animals until the paranoid government calls you begging to sign a treaty! I imagine they would just want it over!
Whether or not the people of this village are gullible or just plain stupid should be left decided by a coin toss.
Regardless, like sand through the hourglass this is the way the crow spies...

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Sweet Dreams Don't Start With The Sounds Of People Dying

There are a lot of animals in this wide world that I love. Whether it's because the are super cute or because they are a 'badass honey badger', these little guys make me smile! On the flip side, there are a few animals that I would rather avoid: like bears (because they want to take over the world) and snakes (because let's face it they are creepy as hell). And then...there are the animals that I want to see gone...okay so I realize PETA will probably burn an effigy of me for saying that, but I promise I have my reasons. And the animals that I would love to see gone typically fall into just one species category: birds.
Birds hate me, which is really sad since I used to love them all. My love/hate relationship with these critters began at an early age. When I was a teenager, I found several baby blue jays that had fallen out of their nest onto my roof. I could easily reach the nest from the edge of the roof, so I figured I would play 'Good Samaritan' and return these defenseless creatures to the mommy and daddy - big f***ing mistake! It was like that seen from Gulliver's Travels when all the Lilliputians beat the shit out of Gulliver. All I knew is that as soon as I stood up on that roof, hundreds of birds dive bombed my ass. Within minutes they had made me their bitch. I felt like King Kong on the Empire State Building as he blindly swatted at the attacking airplanes while knowing at any minute he could fall and die - which I did...well minus the dying part. After only 45 seconds, these little bastards had caused me to fall from the roof and land on the hard cement below. A part of me wanted to get up and walk quietly inside, grab my gun, and eat fried pigeon. But I was afraid they would embarrass me again, so I let it go.
Another experience came many years later when a friend of mine gave me a Quaker Parrot she could no longer take care of. I loved that bird...and it hated me. It tried to take my fingers off every time I fed it. But I didn't, I was sweet and loving as I believed in my naivety that the bird, Kiwi, would come to reciprocate those feelings as well. After about six months, the bird seemed to calm down. I was thinking "awesome, I knew I could make this work."
I couldn't have been more wrong. You see, I had just underestimated the sheer evil of these creatures. As I was getting ready to change the newspaper in the bottom of the cage, Kiwi made his move. He flew straight at me and gashed my face! I fell back in surprise as talons descended on me. It only took a few seconds for me to remember that I was much bigger than I got angry...and I made sure Kiwi would never bother me again...
To this day, I don't like the taste of kiwi.
Another experience, which is very recent, involved my mothers African Grey. This bird, Rae-Rae, talked and sang and was pretty damn pimp! And my dumbass decided that hey, maybe birds aren't evil. Rae-Rae would perch on my shoulder. She would sing in my ear. I would give her treats, but part of me was always on guard.
After a few weeks, I had relaxed completely...and that's when Rae-Rae struck. I had gone to her cage and opened the door and stood by as she clambered out and then climbed up on my arm. She cooed at me and I smiled. I never saw the flash of malevolence in her eyes. Because after cooing and nuzzling my arm, she BIT THE SHIT OUT OF ME! I mean she took a chunk of flesh out of me! I almost needed stitches! My mother could see the look of rage crossing my face as she quickly took Rae-Rae off my arm.
Rae-Rae laughed maniacally as she nuzzled my mother's neck. She knew she had won the day.
But my first first experience should have been enough warning to avoid these hellish monsters.
I was seven years old. And I had just watched A Nightmare on Elm Street. (Yes, I was greatly supervised in my TV watching habits.) I went to bed, my head filled with thoughts of a man that could kill you while you slept. I was a little freaked out, I admit it.
Eventually, I managed to fall asleep.
Now we take a slight intermission so that I can provide context. In my neighborhood, there was a mated pair of peacocks. We had just moved into this house a mere two days earlier. Unbeknownst to me, these big blue birds liked to sleep in a low hanging limb right outside of my window.
Now back to my was a round 3:00 AM when I heard it. A sound like that of children being tortured and killed. It was screaming, mewling sound that rocked me with fear. All I could think was: Freddy Krueger was coming for me! I grabbed a baseball bat and hid under the bed...until I remembered that Krueger could kill me easier if I was pinned under a mattress, so I quickly locked my self in a closet. I remained there the whole night.
This went on for days...I tried telling my mother that a demon was coming for me, but she didn't believe me. I think she almost took me to be tested...After a week of no sleep, and at that point refusing to go into my room at night, mom relented and said she would stay there with me...
The damn birds slept somewhere else that
It had only just begun...
I had finally starting sleeping well again, then it started. That deathly sound. This time I calmly went and woke up my mother and nearly forcibly dragged her into my room. It was quiet again and I started to freak out. Although I didn't see her face, I am sure she was pissed at being woken up for nothing...but then she heard it too...
I have never seen someone move so she ran from my room, leaving me standing there with whatever was coming to kill us all.
The next night I slept on the couch. Mom had set up a tape recorder to record the sounds - if they occurred again!
Long story short...the recorder captured the sounds and one of the neighbors laughed as they told us what it was. We waited outside one of the nights and actually watched them get up into the tree right outside my bedroom...
To this day, I don't sleep well...thanks to two overgrown pheasants...
So that is my story...Plainly put: I think birds are vindictive little f***'s and they need to stay the hell away from me! They watch us from their little perches. Looking down on us. Thinking they are better. It's why they wreck our airplanes! You think that they accidentally fly into jet engines? They kamikaze on our asses to mock us.
"What you can't fly without some big metal machine?" They ask.
Then they show us just how frail our machines are! They don't need us to give them a reason - they just despise us! I bet that's how they ended up on the menu to begin with! We don't eat monkeys! The worst they do is throw poo at us, and since we wish we could do that to people we don't like - we just laugh it off!
No...birds just hate us for no damn reason.
After all there is a reason the game is called Angry Birds.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I Don't Care If You Are Sweet, You're Still Stupid

Folks...I am scared. Scared, not for humanity, but for me in general. What, you may ask, am I afraid of? Earlier this week, scientists at the University of California in Los Angeles (UCLA) discovered something that makes me shudder...plainly speaking they discovered that sugar makes you stupid. Sure, this finding affects all of mankind, but I already think most of them are stupid and I am afraid of waking up just like them (my readers being the exceptions to the all mankind is stupid remark, because lets face it - you are smart enough to look to me for some of your news needs). 
That's knows that the only reason you can barely spell your name is due to eating a diet containing high fructose corn syrup. One of the scientists, Fernando Gomez-Pinilla, has claimed that sugar impairs the ability to learn and remember. He claims that the "sugar destroying your brain power is a side effect to having a high amount of insulin in the blood penetrating the brain barrier and disrupting synaptic activity".
He proved this by experimenting on lab rats. He gave one group a brain boosting enzyme and the other the sugar-laced treats. After six weeks the brainy mice were applying to Harvard and the obese mice just wanted to lay on the couch and play Xbox.
Wait, maybe being able to blame my burgeoning stupidity on sugar is a good thing after all!
Actually, this makes perfect sense! Think about it...this would explain why I have a hard time remembering complicated math's not that it is beyond my comprehension, it's because of a jelly donut. As matter of fact, every stupid thing I do from now on can easily be blamed on my diet! Jelly Belly's made me drive 78 in a 45 mph zone - being late wasn't a factor! 
Or that time I hit on your twin sister...I wasn't being a pig, Coca - Cola impaired my ability to distinguish between the two of you!
Or if I call my boss a dumbass it is only because I ate a Hershey Bar.
Of course, if it is in fact sugar making us all stupid and not the fact that smart people choose to have fewer children, wouldn't that invalidate the whole premise of Idiocracy? I mean, for those that have never seen the movie, that's a futuristic story about stupid people out breeding the intelligent ones and an average guy from our time gets shot into the future and is the smartest guy there...but if this science claim proves correct I think it has less to do with sex and more to do with what we eat now...Couldn't the smart people have just devolved due to Funions?
Of course this revelation almost sounds like a plot  line from Pinky and the Brain. 

Brain: Are you thinking what I'm thinking Pinky?
Pinky: I think so Brain...but how will we ever convince all of humanity to ingest high amounts of processed sugar in order to make them as dumb as me?
Brain: No Pinky I was thinking...wait a moment...that could actually work...

Regardless,  I have already cut back the amount of high fructose corn syrup that I ingest on a daily basis...and soon, I will be the smartest man on earth...and then...I will "prove my mousey humanly worth by overthrowing the earth"...

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The War On Women

Once every 6 months or so, I do a story that is outside of the humor normally found within these pages. I take a more serious stance, and limit my sarcasm and satirical nature in these stories - because I don't want my actual opinion to be misconstrued.
Today's one such story.
It's funny that in some places in America, women are still treated like second class citizens. Forget the fact that most of them work, forget that many are single moms trying to provide for their families, and let's even forget the fact that they make up the majority of the student body in higher education. Women are still deemed not quite equal. 
We see this all the time. Take the fact that most health plans help cover the cost of drugs like Viagra and Cialis, but some employers deny the coverage of birth control. Forget the fact that many women need birth control - not only for helping prevent pregnancy - but for medical conditions like endometriosis or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Birth control also helps to regulate a woman's cycle and helps with painful cramping. But no, some employers feel that getting an erection is great, improving a woman's quality of life - not so much. I wonder if this was an issue that affected men, would the 'Nazi Moralists' still deny insurance coverage?
Because that is the basic difference, isn't it? If it would adversely effect men then it is unacceptable, but if it only has consequences for women - that's okay.
And the scariest part is that many young women (and I am talking 18 to 21 year old women) in this part of the country believe that this is all okay. They think that the best they can ever hope to achieve is to be a wife and a mother. What the hell? So they are saying, "screw being intelligent, successful, and independent - let's rope in a 'good' man and pop out babies because that is all I am good for." Hell, many girls only go to college for the express purpose of finding a husband. Now sure, if that is really what you want because you have no ambition or you are dumber than a box of rocks then by all means - go for it! Knock yourself out! But if a man seeks to be a "house husband" he gets ridiculed and made to feel inferior. Keeping house (the right way) is fucking hard! I dare any man to keep house the way he expects his woman to! You never get any real time to stop, especially if there are small kids at home! And you wanna say that the house husband is lazy? Are you kidding me?
This double standard exists  everywhere. Take a story from DeKalb County, Georgia. Just last week, a police officer named Jared Wheeler allegedly kicked a pregnant woman in the stomach. The incident happened when the woman, Raven Dozier, was trying to calm her brother during a custody dispute. Raven became upset and started crying after Wheeler tazed her brother. When Raven turned and questioned Wheeler, he savagely kicked her to the ground.
Raven required an emergency C-section to save her baby. The officer was applauded by his office for "following policies." Sure, they didn't write that he savagely kicked a pregnant woman, instead they said he "used a front push kick to the abdomen, as he was taught to do at the academy." Afterwards, he cited her for obstruction of justice.
Now maybe this guy is just a psycho and shouldn't be allowed to carry a gun, but the fact is that his office is supporting his actions. And this isn't the only time the law has acted harshly to pregnant women. Florida has been cited in the news for police districts throughout the state tazing pregnant women. Because that is healthy for an unborn child. And it all gets swept under the rug. The media reports on it once and then it goes away, but let a woman ask for an abortion and the whole community gets up in arms! 
It's okay if you accidentally abort a baby if you work in law enforcement, but a woman doesn't get the right to make the decision of what to do with her own body? Some states, with North Carolina being the latest, have cut funding to programs like Planned Parenthood. This means that many poor women will be forced to forgo medical exams that find cancers and other essential services that these programs provide. 
Besides, most of these women seeking abortions are poor and will end up on welfare if they didn't get them. And if the number of people on welfare drops, then Americans may turn to see the true sponges on our tax dollars - the extremely wealthy. And we can't have that. It's better that poor people hate those that are struggling, than rebel against those that are in power.
And don't even get me started on the idea of rape...
The war on women isn't new...It's been a part of human culture almost since the beginning - with a few exceptions. Every religion on earth is male dominated and focuses on patriarchy and the idea that women should submit. No, these are just new skirmishes arising after a calm on the battle field.
These new battles are testing us. To see if the times are changing. Because men are afraid. Of course they are afraid, because people naturally fear change. Men aren't the bread winners they are taught they are supposed to be. Parents raise young boys up thinking that they must be "the sole provider and the backbone of their families", while telling girls "that she should strive to have dinner ready by the time he gets home and be submissive to his needs, but that she can't trust he will stick around so she should also be able to take care of herself until a good man comes along." Basically, they are teaching their sons to grow up and be something that they tell their daughters is probably unachievable. Maybe that is why men are more pre-disposed to commit suicide?
So ladies...will you be content to be subjugated? Or will you finally say "enough is enough." Will you be the causality as well as the spoils of war? 
For the sake of the future...I hope that you will fight. Vote out politicians that don't have your interests in mind. You outnumber us according to the last census data. You are more educated than us according to statistics from colleges across the country. Maybe. Just maybe...a change could be coming.