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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Skinny Dipping Our Way Around Common Sense

Folks, I am appalled today. An Australian Olympic Swim Team member named Stephanie Rice has done the unthinkable. She snapped a photo of herself posing in a swim suit she was given for her birthday! Then she posted it on Twitter - doesn't she know that those kind of amateurish self photos belong on Facebook? Also, doesn't she know that you never hold the camera directly in front of your face when taking a self photo?
But I am not the only one outraged! Merely hours after the offending picture was taken, news agencies berated the Olympic Swimmer for posting such a disgraceful photograph. And I understand the anger - no one ever wants to see photos of people in their work uniforms!
She should only post pictures that show her wearing clothing designed in the 19th century. Just because her job requires her to be televised wearing water resistant lingerie is no excuse for taking those pictures...that's NBC's job!
Maybe it's because Stephanie has never photographed herself in anything but modest attire that everyone is so disappointed with her. Except all these other pictures I found of her - but outside of the numerous other pictures of her in racy attire, she has no pictures of herself in anything but modest clothing.
Folks, I think we need to send a message to Ms Rice. A message that shows her that we will not accept it when people dress sinfully unless they are trying to win medals for their home country. A message that roughly translates into "Let's burn her as a witch."
That's right America, we should burn Stephanie Rice as a witch. Because condemning her for wearing something that we ourselves would wear if we could afford it (and if we had the right body shape, because I tried this one on and it rode right up almost immediately), is the American way.
We should also condemn Australia while we are it - because they are okay with her showing off so much skin! Look Aussies, you were a colony once just like us, so you have to be just as offended by this as we are! Sure there are some differences between America and Australia like you got the cooler accent and the cooler animals and got to have your land by making peace with native peoples rather than executing them on the spot. (Actually that last one is a point in our favor - because Americans don't believe in peaceful coexistence with native life!) But we have some things in common, like our countries both begin and end with the letter A!
That is an unbreakable bond. So you have to rally behind us here and let's put an end to the possible sexual immorality that must obviously be occurring - otherwise we will have anarchy!
I mean, you never see Michael Phelps allowing himself to be photographed without a shirt. Think of the scandal that could bring! After all, if he did and we never made a fuss about him and yet we are about her...well, that would be a form of sex discrimination - and we don't do that in America anymore because the settlements cost too much.
And it's not like we are singling Ms Rice out, we treat all celebrities this way! That's why no one ever publishes photos of movie stars as they hang out on the beach! And if they do happen to take one, those people are always wearing what I can only describe as "winter-wear". This means that they are so covered up that you almost expect a blizzard to occur!
So, World, I am calling on you to stand beside me: as we dive head first into this controversy and wade deeply into self-righteous indignation while skinny dipping our way around common sense by submerging real news to cover this shameful attempt to paddle away from our moral convictions.

Monday, June 18, 2012

The She's-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

Folks, Vagina's are illegal in Michigan. At least that is the message that the Michigan Legislature sent to two of its state representatives, Lisa Brown and Barb Byrum, after they said the word in a discussion on abortion. The two women representatives were barred from speaking on the House floor for an undisclosed time period for breaking "House decorum."
The Legislature felt that, even though the word Vagina is used in several state statutes, it should never be uttered aloud. Kind of like the name of God. Because we all know that saying Vagina will cause kittens to die and earthquakes to crumble the pyramids, and rainbows to change their stripes.
But the She-Part's-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, whom we will call Vagimort (damn I said it, now the hooded Fetus Eater's will ride their phallic shaped broomsticks among us raining abortions from the sky!) are riled up and angry across this great nation. They are proposing legislation to restrict the mighty Dickadore in the same way that Vagimort is being regulated.
This regulation is insidious. It's horrible. It's unconscionable. These Vagimort's want the government to restrict vasectomies to only cases that are proven medically necessary due to the man's life being at risk. Don't they realize that men get vasectomies to prevent a life threatening condition called fatherhood? The state of Georgia is one such state that will have representatives proposing a similar bill.
Yasmin Neal, author of the bill, said, "Thousands of children are deprived of birth in this state every year because of the lack of state regulation over vasectomies."
It's not like it's the same thing! These bills regulating abortion are just there because women may not know that they would be halting the procreative process - men already know that they are halting the procreative process, which is the whole point of getting their balls snipped! After all, we have been taking the family pet to the vet for years and seen how miserable he looks after that procedure. It's a sacrifice we are making to help control the pet population by being neutered.
Perhaps these Vagimort's fail to see that men have only their best interests in mind. Men, by right of having a penis, understand a woman's reproductive system much better than someone who has a woman's reproductive system. It's simple science! The penis is the man's other "thinking head", after all!
Besides, unless women are stripped of choice, they may never realize how perfectly suited to motherhood that they actually are. And the best way to let women know that their true potential is making babies is to take away their contraception and abortion rights.
Then she can struggle with a child she didn't necessarily want, while the (most likely) absentee father parties it up (or perhaps gets a vasectomy to prevent having interruptions to his party). After all, the government believes that education isn't necessary for women - because you don't need a PhD to clean, cook, and raise babies! Oh, and let's not even go into the government's attitudes about pre-marital sex...they, rightfully, know that virgins are the only people with any real worth.
Which brings me to my solution. I know how to end the fighting between the evil Vagimort and Dickadore's Army...we need to ban sex. All sex - even for the purpose of procreation.
This is the only way to ensure that no one ever seeks an abortion or other forms of birth control. And the only way to ensure that sex is never had again is to castrate every man on earth. After all, in most cases, sex is initiated by a guy! So if we remove his ability to have sex, then we solve all the problems related to sex. No abortions, no morning after pills, no condoms, no pre-marital sex.
And if you want more than just my opinion on this, make sure you read Hairy P**** and the United State's War On Women.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Are You Getting Any Reception?

Folks, I love funerals weddings - and I most especially love the parties that follow them. These parties are usually full of food, wine, laughter, and awkward moments of making out with people you shouldn't have in front of dozens of cameras you should have realized were around.
Lauren & Jim's Wedding reception last night, however, was put on hold while the bride and groom primped and preened before the camera. We all sat hungrily, feasting on hors d'oeuvres as picture after picture was taken of the couple and the wedding party...We had no idea we could have been eating green beans that were wrapped in bacon while we languished!! Even the baby looked like he was tired of waiting!
But finally the party started! These parties inevitably involve a girl dancing topless on one of the tables or a crazed ex showing up, proclaiming that the bride and groom cannot be wed, because "she is having my baby". Nothing like that happened at the wedding I attended last night. Mainly because my dear friends Jim and Lauren were smart enough to not include alcohol at the reception. (Ahh alcohol, making bridesmaids have faulty judgement since the time of Jesus.)
Superhero & drag queen
I must admit, even though I personally don't drink, I was curious at how much fun a wedding can be sober...and now I know. It can be a blast - if you have a photo booth and a lot of imagination! As a matter of fact, I think every occasion is made better with the inclusion of a photobooth.
Because with a table full of props, an imaginative girlfriend, and an insane writer, the sky is virtually the limit as to what one can do!
We acted like dinosaurs! I dressed in drag! She looked like a superhero! After we exhausted all the poses we could think of, we started adding other people to the photos! It's amazing how a photobooth makes it okay for a guy in a tiara and feathers to grab random people for pictures!
Finally, it was time to cut the cakes. Some speeches were made but I don't remember what was said...something like Jim and Lauren...blah blah...pretty awesome...blah them...and I totally agree with my Cliff Notes version!
Lecturing on the goodness of bacon
But anyway...back to the cakes! Hers was of traditional design, but his was awesome. In the history of Groom's cakes his cake takes the cake crown. Because it looked like a package of bacon. I was secretly hoping that it was MADE of bacon! I leaned forward as they cut it to see if I could hear the crunchy goodness of bacon being sliced in to cake size slices, but alas it was not to be...
Which was disappointing to me...I mean, why tease me with the promise of a bacon cake only not to have any bacon in it?? I think I gave a 70 minute lecture on the joy of baconhood. (It's like fatherhood with cleaner diapers.)
But they made it up to me with bubbles. A bottle of soapy water and a bubble wand will keep me entertained for years. Too bad Jo wanted to do other things - like eat and dance.
Which by the way readers, it should be stated that I am the most awesome dancer in the history of dancing..if there had never been anyone else ever in the history of dancing...I look like I'm having a seizure. I have as much rhythm as a one legged antelope that keeps slamming into a glass door. (I have no idea what that means.)
Jo is an amazing dancer, however, and I was happy to know that no one noticed me because of her. Although, they may have asked why she was allowing me to escort her...
Soon, though, the night drew to a close. And Jo and I left with my bubble wands, pictures, and the memories.
In the end, I had made some new friends, watched some good friends unite, danced with a girlfriend, got a bouquet of flowers from an old friend, and met an Internet friend I had known for a year - face to face. All in all, a good time to be had!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

You Should Pay Me To Name Your Baby

Folks, I have heard it all now...the website Groupon is willing to name your unborn baby. They know how difficult naming a baby can be - especially with everything else that you have going on at the time. They know that you can stress less if someone picks a name that will "look good on a trophy". A name like: Clembough.
Of course, they do wish to be paid a modest fee. A modest fee equaling about (or exactly) $1,000.
They claim that "a child named by Groupon will grow tall and proud, and he or she will be a beacon of hope in a world that is in such desperate need of one." Because people named Clembough are never picked on in high school.
I think this is a great idea...only let me pick out your child's name as I will charge much less!
For a mere $25, I will pick a name that will not only look good on a trophy, but also on a business card.
Let's face it - names like Bill, Mike, Craig, Sally, and Bridget are way too cliche! So, I will help you find a name that resonates power, confidence, and natural leadership. I could even name them based on their Zodiac or Chinese sign!
Here are some sample names I could give your child:
1. First up for a boy, I would name him Alpheuseber. A boy with this name will be a leader among men. It makes him sound like an Alpha Male, he will grow to be muscular and strong. First up for a girl,  I would call her Amberlyfloy or maybe I would just name her America. Because you can't get much more stately a name than America! Imagine calling your daughter to supper, "'Merica, time to eat!" "'Merica, behave!" "'Merica!"
2. Another choice for a boy could be Filcherjeren. It makes him sound Swedish. And everyone loves things related to Sweden! Like Swedish Fish! Or weed! He will be well liked and popular! For her, Jakaylaherlinda is the name of choice. It just flows off the tongue. And it's easy to spell - for a 40 year old anyway!
3. A final name choice for him could be Zaid. I don't know if it sounds better pronounced as zAID or zED, but either way you could just pronounce it awesome. Especially since his name will start with a cool buzzing sound. He will be popular with insects and the people that love them. He will also learn to be self sufficient as he will probably have few friends. For her, I say let's call her Ozella. Then you can call her the Great and Powerful Oz! I'm sure she will be quite popular in Kansas and New Zealand and among midgets.
So come on everyone, hire me! I could use the money and you could use a custom name to help prepare your child for the realities of life!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

That Is SO Clichéd

Folks, I apologize for my mini vacation. I could tell you what I have done, but it would come off as clichéd.
Which brings me to today's topic...The clichés that need to die!
There are many phrases that are way overused, but the following phrases just irk me.
1. "Time to face the music." Maybe I am just not as lucky as some people, but when I get in trouble I don't have a band playing for me in the background. Unless you are living in the movie Grease, lose this expression...and if you do live in the movie Grease - lose yourself as I hate musicals!
2. "Think outside the box." How uncreative are you to use the oldest saying about being creative that has ever been uttered! I think Jesus told this to Peter after he jumped from the boat to go for a little walk. Instead of saying this make up something that sounds Suessian! Like "Think like a Lorax eating a Thing 2".
3. "What would your mother say?" She would probably chastise me for not drinking enough before attempting whatever offensive thing you just called me out on.
4. "You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs." Unless you buy the liquid eggs in a carton from the dairy section of the grocery store. Those have no shells to break. This saying should be "You can't get promoted unless you become a total douche" because that's what it implies.
5. "I know, right?" So, you know...but you want confirmation? Needy much? (Yes I am guilty of this one too...damn.)
6. "There's an app for that." Yeah, well download it yourself and stop bragging about it. You sound like one of those preppy people I just want to punch in the face.
7. "Droid Does." I own a Droid, and actually I know for fact it doesn't. The whole reason I bought the thing was because of that little anecdote, but the first time I asked for a sandwich it just laid on my counter blinking. I tried this with Siri on iPhone as well and she just laughed...
8. "The ball is in your court." I don't even like sports. Why are you telling me something that I cannot possibly ever understand? What sport does this even refer to? Why are you fascinated with balls? Why not just say that you don't want to deal with it so you are passing it off on least then I will know what you are talking about.
9. "It's only a matter of time." Really? That is your wise man on the mountain moment? Everything is only a matter of time. You can literally follow that phrase with anything from "until the symptoms go away" to "until my dog dies" to "until I catch the clap".
10. "Easy as pie." The only easy thing about pie is eating it. I have attempted to make them before and that shit is hard! The last time I made one, it was purchased from Publix - because I almost set my kitchen on fire baking its predecessor.
11. "It's not rocket science." Rocket science isn't even rocket science - it's physics, chemistry, and lots of other M.I.T level training courses. You will not ever take a class in college called 'Rocket Science'. I know, I tried. The only people that study "Rocket Science" are coyotes and Stargate fans.
12. "Because I said so." If I trusted your opinion, I wouldn't have kept pushing the issue. And now the best response about why I can't do/buy something is because you said so? Because isn't an answer people, it is a conjunction leading to an answer and I want supporting arguments not anecdotal rhetoric.
13. "Here we go again." Well, obviously you must have enjoyed it the last time or else you would have gotten off the Merry-Go-Round by now.
14. "Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick." Actually, if I have to choose between listening to you say that or just getting poked by the stick...I'll choose the stick.
15. "Blood is thicker than water." Actually they are both pretty thin. And at least water doesn't stain my clothes. Or leave a bad taste in my mouth. And if I take in too much water, I won't vomit.

Monday, June 4, 2012

High Flying Puddy Cat!

Folks, it seems that this is the year that will be known for the dead rising up from the earth.
But before we get too far into the story - no, this isn't another zombie tale!
This story asks the question: how do you honor a dear friends passing? Do you hold a memorable service? Do build an intricate tomb? Do you transform them into a flying machine of death (literally)?
This the bizarre tale of how one man, Bart Jansen, memorialized his dearest friend, a cat named Orville.
Bart loved Orville. And like the man he was named for, Orville loved to fly. Or at least, Bart loved the idea that Orville would enjoy flying. So when Orville was killed in a tragic car accident, Bart did the only thing he could do...he turned Orville into a helicopter...
I can only imagine that trip to the taxidermist...

Bart: "I want you to keep the shape he has now."
Taxidermist: "You mean the just run over by a car look? But why?"
Bart: "Because I plan to shoe electronics up his ass and nail propellers through his paws."
Taxidermist: "Get the #$^& out of my shop."

But Bart would not be dissuaded. He, with the help of a friend, stuffed his dead cat and mounted landing gear to the animals stomach. Then he proceeded to shove engine parts into the cats rectum. After that was done, the rest was easy...and involved mounting a propeller through each of the cat's outstretched paws.
I think this was from an episode of Tom & Jerry in which the dog beat Tom to death and then made him into a toy for his son to play with! Only Bart wasn't making Orville a toy for his son, he was creating a work of art to put into a gallery!
That's because the best way to remember a favorite pet is to stuff it and sell it shamelessly in order to pay the rent!
Bart introduced the Kitty Kopter (actually, he called it the Orvillecopter, but I thought that sounded stupid) to a group of onlookers who applauded as Orville rose into the air. I think these people were high. Or maybe they didn't realize that Orville was once an actual cat. That second part may be true since one woman was found to be hugging and kissing Orville while exclaiming how real it looked.
Which means that maybe Bart isn't crazy...this could be the next big thing! Imagine all the people that would want their animals turned into remote controlled toys? Imagine a remote controlled Greyhound tractor? Or a Labrador-boat?
This doesn't even have to be limited to battery operated toys either! Imagine Boa Constrictor Pogo sticks and Iguana skateboards! Shetland Pony Hot-Glue Guns!
I think this idea is just dying to get made!
So Bart, I applaud your making the best out of a sad situation. I know that the great beyond...Orville is watching...and probably secretly hoping that your girlfriend treats you the same way...After all, what goes up...inevitably should bite you in the ass...