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Monday, July 23, 2012

Being At Work Burns Me Up

Folks, have you ever just wanted to take a day off? Have you gotten a text message from your ex-girlfriend bragging about the new guy she's sleeping with and thought "I really wish I could get out of work"? And then did you set fire to a nuclear submarine in order to get out of work?
Hmm...guess it isn't as common as I thought...
Because that is EXACTLY what Casey Fury, 24, did!
Casey is like many of us...He's young...lazy...and kind of stupid. Casey had a job. Casey was hired to do some painting and sandblasting on the USS Miami. On May 23rd, Casey had gotten a text message that made him depressed. So, Casey did what any red-blooded American would do (if they were a complete moron who didn't want to work) - Casey set the torpedo room inside the nuclear submarine on fire.
But, Casey got caught...and Casey denied involvement with the fire. The United States Navy was not convinced, so he was forced to take a polygraph test.
Now is where things get bad...for my faith in our government.
Casey failed the polygraph test...who knew, right? Casey told the Navy that the vacuum cleaner had spontaneously combusted and that he was afraid of consequences so instead of putting out the fire or reporting it - he just ran like hell! The fire took 12 hours to put did an estimated $400 million dollars in, of course the Navy threw the book at Casey...right? I mean, they wouldn't just say "it's all good" or "boys will be boys" and just tell Casey to be more careful next time...right?
It turns out that the Navy just told Casey that "it's all good" and they know how "boys will be boys" in situations like this. The Navy then told Casey to be on time for work next week...
Did I mention that Casey is just a guy hired by the Navy? Did I mention that he is not a member of our armed forces? That he is just some dumbass that watched too much Beavis and Butthead and was caught screaming "FIRE FIRE HEH HEH"?
So...Casey continues to paint the submarine...until the next time he needed to get off work early...which was June 16th...Casey had already learned that setting fires to United States property would get him the weekend, Casey decided to go bigger this time...
He set the whole dock on fire.
I'll repeat that: he set the whole dock on fire. He set it all on fire. The WHOLE F***ING THING.
This time the fire was extinguished before any damage was done.
Casey thought he was Mr Cool, so he admitted to the second fire a few days later...after, all the Navy knew that he was just playing around. Turns out the Navy didn't think he was just playing around.
Casey is now in jail awaiting a hearing and is facing up to life in prison.
If only he had done some actually damage this time, maybe they would have laughed it off again...but apparently, the government doesn't like to deal with fires that don't cause any f***ing property damage.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I Heard Noises From Under My Bed

Folks, there are a lot of scary things in this world - like bears and sharks and bear-sharks...but I am sometimes surprised by the things that many people are afraid of. I get clowns and snakes. I get being afraid to fly. I get being afraid to try a new sexual position because you are afraid of throwing your back out. But some things...I just don't get at all...
1. Ranidaphobia (a fear of all things related to frogs). With the exception of the Poison Dart Frogs of South America, what is there about these things that inspires such blood curdling fear? My own son is deathly afraid of them. Maybe it's because Kermit tried to suffocate him as an infant? Of course, maybe I am looking at it from the wrong perspective..anyone that plays the banjo while singing in a swamp is terrifying to me too...(hums that one song from that one movie).
2. Ithyphallophobia (the fear of the erect penis). This one I totally get. I am terror-stricken by them too. I would totally not make it in prison...
3. Ephebophobia (the fear of youth/young people). Is this why that crazy guy runs outside screaming at me to to get off his lawn even though I am on the other side of the street? I just thought he was ornery. Is he secretly afraid that my youthful demeanor will infect him thereby inspiring him to play video games or eat Funions? Or maybe he thinks I will attempt to sell him cookies?
4. Gymnophobia (the fear of being seen while you are naked). Totally get this one too!  Being naked is something I avoid, because I am just not good at it. I look so bizarre that I could turn you to stone. I make Joan remove her contacts, turn off all the lights, and wear a blindfold that is duct-taped on before we have sex. I also wear a wet-suit when we shower together because I don't want to frighten her. I maintain that I get just as clean showering fully clothed as most people get showering in the buff.
5. Ambulophobia (a fear of walking). Is this the excuse that lazy people use for not exercising? Is this how you eventually end up on Springer because you had to be fork-lifted out of your home? How do you get around? Is this fear even real? I have never gone out in public and seen some guy crawling around the mall. If I did I would just think he was creepy and avoid him like we do the homeless.
6. Chiraptophobia (a fear of being touched). Okay this is a mixed bag for me. On one hand, if I don't know you...don't touch me. On the other, if you think I may want to know you then by all means. And if you are my girlfriend, then please touch me! I like to be scratched behind the ears. Although, I wonder if this would excuse me from TSA screenings?
7. Hadephobia (the fear of Hell). I should have this one...considering if it exists, then I am probably going there. Okay, so probably is my way of being optimistic. But some people are so terrified of the imagination of John Milton and Dante Alighieri that they deny themselves every experience for fear it will damn them. (The bible actually has no description of hell in it for those that didn't know that. And our whole concept comes from those two gentlemen whom I just named.)
8. Kathisophobia (a fear of sitting down). This, along with lounging, laying about, and all things related to sloth, is among my favorite hobbies. I can't imagine never sitting down! I look for reasons to do it! Maybe that kid that refused to sit in middle school wasn't just acting out - maybe he was terrified of what would happen if he sat! Is this why that one guy always jumps up to give me his seat on the bus? I thought he just found me attractive...
9. Achondroplasiaphobia (the fear of little people. And by little people, I mean midgets). I love midgets. They are awesome. I remember watching the Wizard of OZ and thinking that Dorothy could get eaten by the Cowardly Lion for all I cared so long as the Lollipop Guild was okay! Where would we be without Midget NASCAR (races involving Power Wheels)? Or Midget Wrestling?
10. Tachophobia (the fear of going fast). Speaking of NASCAR, this is what Ricky Bobby was afraid of! I didn't even know that the fear of speed was a real thing. Maybe, Ricky Bobby was meant to be an inspirational film and not a comedy. Think of all those poor helpless souls who fight daily against their aversion to moving faster than a postal worker, who could watch Talladega Nights and know that they, too, could overcome their illness!
11. Gynephobia (the fear of women). Actually, every man on earth should have this phobia. Women scare the hell out of me. Joan can give me a look and suddenly I become a frightened child of six afraid to look in the closet because of the monsters that hide there! All I can say is "Run" if you ever piss one off!
12. Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia (the fear of the number 666). This has to be the longest, most unpronounceable name in the history of phobias. I am more afraid of trying to say this aloud than I am of a random number. It's like someone was acting out demonic possession and spewed out some nonsense and someone else thought that would make the perfect word to express this phobia. Why would anyone be afraid of numbers anyway? They are all made up and arbitrary anyway - like religion! I think there are many more things to be afraid of than this...things that make sense like Cacophobia (fear of ugly people - because we all know we run screaming when one of them hits on us!) or Ephebiphobia (a fear of teenagers - which shouldn't be confused with the fear of youth. Because as Project X taught us, these little bastards are capable of destroying whole neighborhoods!)
So there you have list of things we should and maybe shouldn't be afraid of. It's funny that there isn't an actual term for a fear of bears. Some say that it should be ursophobia since the Latin name for bear is Ursus...but I think it should be called Cuztheywilleatandmaimusophobia - because they can and will...

Friday, July 6, 2012

Finger-Paint to Firearms

Folks, we have finally uncovered the secret formula to unmasking potential felons long before they steal their first car. And that formula is posed as a simple question: did you attend kindergarten? Because if you did, have the local Constable slap some cuffs on you before you pillage your home town!
New Hampshire state representative, Bob Kingsbury, has irrefutable proof that kindergarten leads to a life of crime - and I can't say that I disagree! I, myself, never attended and have never murdered anyone!
Kingsbury noted that since 1996, crime has gone up 400% in the areas that offer kindergarten!
See, I always knew that the idea of sharing my crayons with kids in my class would directly translate to getting mugged in the big city. He also notes that in his hometown of Laconia, the area with the highest number of rapes, robberies, and murders is located in the same vicinity as the only kindergarten program! Forget spurious correlations - this is obviously causation! After all, it's not like the poorer people most likely to commit violent crimes tend to live in the urban areas closest to schools while the rich move to the suburbs to avoid the urban areas!
Think about it: macaroni art is just a code word for prostitution - why do you think you are gluing noodles? And sharing crayons is just another way of saying pass the pipe! Now that I think about it, almost every criminal I know either went to or drove past a kindergarten at some point in their lives! Besides, have you spent time with any 5-year-old kids? They are reprehensible monsters!
I think that we need to act fast and eliminate this threat to our safety immediately by banning finger painting and burning the books written by Dr Seuss. Oh, and let's burn all those stories about Dick and Jane while we are at it (it's not like I need to point out anything about that series: it's in the name for god's sake!). This is exactly what Texas was saying! It seems that the only reason we have horrible things in this world is due to being educated to the point that we can recognize them! I say we should go back to the days before education was offered to the masses! That will help promote illiteracy which in turn will make it easier for the people in our government to keep crime in check! This way if you get accused of a crime, they could show you the Wall Street Journal and tell you it was a search warrant and you wouldn't know the difference! This is how you stay safe, people!
We should also ban Sesame Street because I am sure that is a series of training videos to help mold future felons. Besides, that Elmo guy looks kind of shady!
This isn't the first time that Kingsbury has managed to open the eyes of his constituents. He has recently revealed that the only reason corporations move their plants overseas is because our Congress is controlled through bribery. He also claims the only reason Clinton wasn't impeached was due to this rampant bribery.
He claims that is why we focused on his...ahem...experiences with Monica instead of the real issues.
So, America, let's follow this great mans example and strike out against the horror of publicly educating 5-year-olds!