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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Politics Are Just a Bad Lip Read

Folks, regardless of the horrible things that may happen to you, just remember one thing: "God meant for it to happen."
That's the new claim by a Republican Indiana Senate hopeful named Richard Mourdock. Mourdock was specifically addressing women when he made the remark, and he was specifically referring to rape...and pregnancies that occur from it.
See, Mourdock is on a first name basis with the big guy and they talked it out and it turns out that the big guy - well, he is a twisted, old f*** who hates women. Or at least the big guy that Mourdock talks to is anyway! Mourdock claims that "getting raped is part of God's plan" if it "results in pregnancy." That's because God can't be content with the number of people already going to hell, he wants to up the ante by forcing more women to endure traumatic experiences and bring children into the world that they never asked for or wanted.
Mourdock's comments are representative of the entire Republican Party. Just a few days ago, Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said "I like this guy. He thinks like I do. Vote for him." This all follows remarks made by Todd Aiken saying that "legitimate rape never results in pregnancy." So the question is: does that mean that the reason the pregnancies that result from rape are part of God's plan because it technically wasn't rape? Did she send a telepathic signal to her rapist begging for him to violate her?

Is it just me or does all this sound like lines from a Bad Lip Reading? These guys aren't actually saying this stuff, right? I mean, sure sometimes politicians say things that make no sense, like when Rick Perry said "I love hot yellow Kool-Aid" or when Mitt Romney said "and I want everyone to stuff the ice chest", but no one would say anything about rape being God's will! Right? Wait, my staff is telling me that those first two were actually the work of Bad Lip Reading, but apparently that the last soundbite is real.
Well, then...perhaps we can make a valid argument from all of these quotes regardless of who said them. I am not sure if any of the politicians actually said any of this or if it is solely the work of that genius group of people who call themselves Bad Lip Reading, but here is my attempt to make sense of the political messages we all keep hearing today.
Sometimes, your ice chest gets stuffed without your permission in this misogynistic world. But even when God is making you have an Asian baby, you can't lose faith. Just save a pretzel for the gas jets, find the eye of the sparrow, and force badgers and spiders on all of your enemies while telling the world "nyah nyah nyah."

Monday, October 8, 2012

I Just Don't Have The Balls For This

Folks, how many of you have ever thought, "if that man does me wrong one more time - I will chop his balls off?" And after removing his manhood, how many of you wore it as jewelry? Well, rest easy good people, you are not alone!
What started as a romantic love story between a sixty-five year old man and a much younger model turned into a comedy tragedy. This story started when a 21-year-old male underwear model named Renato Seabra "fell in love" with an older journalist named Carlos Castro. Castro was a lonely old man, and Seabra wanted to get out of Portugal - in other words, they had a lot in common! 
It was match made in heaven that started in the Spring of 2010. They danced and sang; they sang and danced. It was perfect...that is until the Summer of 2010. That's when things heated up as Seabra began to have dalliances with women. This infuriated the older man and before you knew it, they had entered the winter of their relationship by the Winter of 2010.
While on vacation in New York City, Seabra couldn't take anymore of his lover's constant complaining, so he did what any reasonable person would do: he killed Castro by bashing his head in with a computer monitor and then stomping him to death. It was like he was re-enacting that one scene from American History X. Afterwards, Seabra knew that there would be much to miss about Castro - namely his balls. So, Seabra did what all of us would do in this situation - he cut Castro's testicles off with a corkscrew and then he wore them as bracelets around his wrists.
Seabra could have gotten away with the murder because no one knew he was involved - if it weren't for his belief that his dead lover's balls could cure AIDS. Seabra was arrested as he wandered through downtown Manhattan attempting to heal the world by touching people with his "magic talisman" in an effort to cure the HIV virus. I mean, it makes sense. Think about it, who hasn't thought about wandering through a large metropolitan city asking people to let you rub your dead boyfriends penis on them for luck? I know I haven't. 
When questioned, Seabra claimed he murdered Castro to "exorcise his homosexual demons." I think a trip to the gym would have been less messy. 
Now Seabra is set to go on trial. The defense is asking that "Seabra be found not guilty by reason of insanity." They claim that his "rage against his older love was a result of their break-up." I think he may be reaching with that plea - after all, there is nothing insane about what Seabra did. If I had to sleep with an old dude, I would probably bash his brains in with a computer monitor too!
Now the only question is: will the prosecution rise to the occasion and a win a stiff punishment against Seabra? Or will they fail to get a conviction and limp away from whatever case the defense has erected? Either way, I am sure someone will be feeling a little blue...