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Saturday, November 17, 2012

Women Are Destroying America

Folks, we are facing a looming threat. A threat that is so apocalyptic that it will destroy all of America. A threat known as women...or to be specific: independent women. That's right everyone, watch out for free thinking women because they may express something that many men rightly fear: an opinion.
This is one of the many claims that pastor Kevin Swanson is making on his podcasts: Generations with Visions. Swanson said that women are "leading the charge to socialism" because they "no longer seek security in their fathers or husbands."
And don't even get him started on women in, really don't get him started because you might punch him in the face. Swanson claims that it is "unnatural to allow women to rule." That's because he believes that the only place women belong is in bed or in the kitchen doing the only things he claims they are good for: "cooking or breeding."
Folks, while this may seem completely sexist, perhaps Swanson has a point. If women start thinking for themselves instead of blindly following a misogynist who is probably secretly homosexual (more on that in a moment), they may make decisions that are in their personal best interests. This method of thought would inevitably put people like Swanson out of work. Then Swanson would be forced to stand in a welfare line with other socialists to beg the government for handouts.
Swanson also warns us that Democrats want us all to become homosexuals and become drug addicts by pushing for the legalization of same-sex marriage and marijuana. That's right Obama, we know your master plan! You want us all to get high and have a "gay old time" - just like those swingers on the Flintstones! But you can't fool us Mr. President...thanks to informed pastor's like Swanson, who teach us hate, intolerance, and the importance of a male dominated society - mainly because those pastors want to be dominated by males. I can only assume that if your master plan succeeds Mr. President that Swanson will then release his new autobiography "Fifty Shades of Gay."
But, there is a biblical precedence for the Democrats push to legalize both of these agendas at the same time. After all, Leviticus 20:13 says that if a man should have sexual relations with another man as he would with a woman, that they should both be stoned. So, see legalizing weed only makes sense!
This isn't the first time that Swanson has attacked the LGBT community as he once called same-sex parents "the most devastating thing to happen to America." I think he is absolutely right. After all, most Americans would rather deal with Hurricane's like Sandy and Katrina on a daily basis than watch a child grow up in a loving home.
Swanson also abhors abortion and claims that "any one who doesn't vote for a pro-life candidate is pro-abortion and enjoys killing kids." He then goes on to talk passionately about the good ole days when Christians could kill sinners to reduce the spread of temptation. After all, it's okay to murder people who have already been born, it's just a sin to kill them before that!
This is the fundamental right of being a Christian - you can legally call for the death of anyone who verbally disagrees with your message and remain righteous! Christians know that only people who will be going to hell would dare seek to "murder their unborn kids" to prevent adding additional drains on society and welfare.
Kevin Swanson is the epitome of Christianity. He only wants what is best for us by seeking the death penalty for those who practice homosexuality, abortion, non-Christian religions, the uplifting of women, and walking while chewing gum.
So, America, let's fight these growing menaces while we still can. If you see a woman thinking for herself, remind her immediately that the bible says she is wrong. And if she argues, call her a sinner and demand the death penalty...after all, that is what Kevin Swanson's sermons urge you to do.

Friday, November 16, 2012

I Would Love To Give You Some Advice

Folks, over the years I have learned quite a bit about relationships. That's why today, I plan to share my words of wisdom. Everyone can use a little advice on the art of romance, right?

1. Cute Pet Names. No, I am not talking about what to name your Yorkie; I am talking about what to name your significant other. They should be imaginative, yet flattering. I suggest trying them out on co-workers first though to avoid awkwardness. For instance, out of the blue I told Joan that she was my "snuffaluffagus" - I mean, we all loved him/her on Sesame Street, right? I was thinking that she was my cute, cuddly, too good to be true so she must be only my imagination, girlfriend...and she was pissed. Apparently my idea of what the name meant did not transition well. She thought I was calling her a hairy, big-nosed and eared freak. Sleeping on the stairs has taught me to get opinions on nicknames before randomly blurting them out. I should also state that the terms "cow", "bunny", and "stalker" are not suggested. Instead go for something more unique to that person's personality such as: a great nickname for me after calling Joan a "cow" would have been dumbass or hospitalized.
2. Make a Gesture. Okay sure, some people think flipping the bird at each other is romantic, but this wasn't the gesture that I am referring to. I mean burn her an effigy, to show her that she sets you on fire. You can also tattoo her picture on your forehead so that everyone can see who is on your mind. It isn't creepy, it's devotion - like that one guy professing his love to Ryan and Romney!
3. Get a Little Physical. It's easy to show you care just by a few slight touches and caresses, so nothing should say "I love you" more than punching each other in the face. You can also sneak up behind him or her and profess your love with a well-placed sleeper hold.
4. Lingerie. Guys, this is one is for you. You should wear thongs and bikini's just for her. Nothing screams sexy more than using a piece of string to cover up your fat ass. She will have no choice but to swoon - maybe more because of the smells...but, hey, whatever works.
5. Make a Mockery of Her Choice of Soaps. Folks, don't tell your significant other that their choice in over-priced facial cleaning products looks a lot like semen...and then say they could have saved money by taking it from the tap...
6.  Let Her Know You Were Thinking About Her. Okay, so leaving that "love stain" on the front seat of Joan's car didn't go over so well...I just thought it show her that I was thinking about her...while touching myself...Based on the fallout of that experience I would suggest that you just text or call.
7. Pick Up After Yourself. Leaving a package for an alcohol wipe on the dresser or a candy wrapper on the coffee table will not earn you any favors. Combing through the house to find hidden presents can be fun, but combing through the house to find the garbage that you can't seem to get to the receptacle isn't a scavenger hunt - it's maid service.
8. Tell Him the Truth. Okay, now this one may seem like a good idea, but it depends on what truth you plan to tell him. For instance, avoid truth's like: "I am so glad I lowered my expectations otherwise I would have never considered dating you." In cases where blunt honesty could give me neurosis, I prefer that you lie to me.

9. The "Newness" Factor. This one is for people who are just starting out. Never compare dating them with moving into a new place or buying a new car. Sure, on the positive side, this just simply means that like those two above situations the two of you have to make adjustments and possible compromises, but it will come off as sounding like you have a huge case of buyers remorse. I would be left wondering what happens when the new car smell goes away...should I change my deodorant then? Get a wash and a wax?
10. Cleaning. This contribution comes from my co-conspirator, Lilith. "The Samael guide to housecleaning, fact 10: Wet towels dry faster in pairs! - while many people foolishly assume that stacking wet towels produces mold, and waste precious time refolding dry towels to create space for wet ones when all hooks are full, it is an under appreciated fact that wet towels love company! That's right. So, next time you're strapped for a hook to hang your wet towel, just look for another, nearly as wet towel already hanging, and voila! A match made in mildew heaven!"

And there you have it folks...hopefully this advice will be invaluable to you as you move towards committed bliss. I should note that if you do all of the things mentioned above and she still decides to stay with should propose immediately because she

  • A) is obviously in love with your dumb ass.
  • B) is able to appreciate a good joke.
  • C) reads my blog and, thus, proof that the two of you have something in common.
  • D) really did lower her sights and you hit the lottery.

Until next time, faithful readers...

Monday, November 12, 2012

My Own Personally Obese Yoga

Folks, I am a yogi. No, I am not referring to me being a bear that steals picnic baskets - I am talking about the art of twisting one's body into painful to look at and often uncomfortable positions. However, saying I am a yogi is like saying George W Bush is a member of Mensa International.
I am like the Chris Farley of Yogi's. In other words, I am a fat bastard that spends more time and energy trying to figure out how to get into a pose than actually being in the pose itself.
My instructor has tried to help me. She has told me that I shouldn't care whether or not I am achieving the pose because it is my own personal yoga. But I can't even achieve child's pose! That is supposedly a pose that is so easy a child can do it - well then, those are some talented f***ing children!
My version of downward facing dog should be renamed "toilet hugging frat boy" - mainly because I look like I could vomit at any minute. My dog actually can achieve this pose, and she looks at me lamely as I butcher it - she even barks at me and rolls her eyes to let me know how badly I am f***ing it up!
I dare the manliest of men to try the yoga push-up. I thought regular push-ups were hard! Joan can do like thirty in a minute...I can do one in thirty minutes. Okay, I'll admit that while most men would be intimidated by a woman who is physically stronger than they are, I can honestly say it turns me on a bit.
The arm balance poses are the worst. Apparently, I have no upper body strength at all. Take crow pose for instance. This pose has one balancing their body on their forearms. I can do that - for a second...then, I am punching the floor with my face. I even tried putting a blanket between me and the tile, but that only made me slide forward and crash into a wall like a drunken roller-blader.
Then there are poses that anyone can do. Like sitting up straight with your legs straight in front of you...of course, when I say anyone, I actually mean anyone other than me because I can't get my gut out of the way enough to be able to properly sit up. Instead of making a 90 degree angle, I make the letter "V". Usually these poses come after the more challenging poses, so not only do I look like a "V", I  am so out of breath that I sound like a wounded caribou. You have to understand that yoga is breathing, so, it is safe to say that you don't want the fire department to show up at your studio because they mistook your wheezing for a four alarm fire.
Other poses have caused me to do in-depth soul-searching to understand their meanings. I think I figured out why they call them the "warrior" poses. It's because you are waging war with yourself to achieve them. Sure, they look easy enough, but I can tell you that it isn't hard to fall over and land on your neighbor - which is why no one will work out next to me anymore. Also, you should be careful that you don't accidentally judo-chop someone as you transition from Warrior I to Warrior II. Doing this will make even the most devout pacifist slap the living shit out of you.
The only pose I am good at is savasana or corpse pose. That's because it only requires me to lay on my back and sleep. The worst thing I can do to screw this up is to snore - which will inevitably led to Joan kicking the hell out of me in order to get me to stop. She says something about savasana supposed to be meditation not sleep, but I say if they didn't want you passed out they wouldn't make the work-out so exhausting and then following that up by dimming the lights and playing Barry Manilow in the background. There are only two reasons to dim the lights and play Manilow - and after a yoga workout, you are too tired for one of them.
A few years ago, I attempted yoga and was laughed out of the gym by a group of pretentious snobs. Now, I have found a studio that doesn't care if I am competent, so long as I show up. I could take a nap in the back of the room for the whole session and they would encourage me to keep chasing enlightenment! I love those guys (and gals)!
For better or worse, I am a yogi...even if my perceptions of it all may seem a little twisted. I love attempting to enter a contortionists territory...even if all I achieve is flopping around the floor like a whale on crowded beach.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Blown Away By Criticism

Folks, I, like several others, have a bone to pick with our President. Not only has he failed to make unicorns piss out rainbows, he has now committed the ultimate faux pas. He reacted to quickly to a natural disaster. The nerve of some people. Doesn't he know that it is unAmerican for a politician to show any compassion for the American people? Why didn't he take a page out of Romney's book? At least Romney had the good sense to ignore the storm completely and instead travel to Ohio to continue campaigning!
This is the claim being made by former FEMA director, Michael Brown. Brown is criticizing the President for quickly organizing the Federal Government in relief efforts for those affected by Hurricane Sandy. He believes that Obama should have reacted to Sandy the same way that he reacted to Katrina - by letting the storm kill as many minorities and poor people as possible before intervening! Like Romney, Brown "believes the President could have benefited from delaying interest in the people's welfare."
That's right Barack! If you really wanted to get re-elected, you would have continued campaigning instead of rushing back to D.C. in order to mobilize FEMA! After all, 47% of all Americans already think they are entitled and if you rush to rescue rich people then you risk raising that statistic to the full 100! But maybe that's the Presidents plan...perhaps he wants to transform the wealthy into a bunch of leeches who drain billions of tax payer's monies! Then they may try to get tax breaks for dancing horses or have the lawns of their corporate offices relandscaped at the tax payers expense.
Rich people, don't fall for this subtle tactic - resist the Federal aid being handed out to you. After all, you believe that everyone should stand on their own feet and not look to the government for resources. Remember if you accept FEMA's help, you are accepting welfare - and then, if you do that, what will you claim separates you from the poor?
I also think that the President was showing arrogance by remaining calm in the face of adversity! After all during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Brown sent out e-mails asking "can I quit?" and saying "I really don't want to do this anymore." Why couldn't the President have just pretended that he was as terrified and unfit for leadership as Brown? If he had, then Brown would have just clapped him on the shoulder and welcomed him to the Republican Party! And once Obama was in the Republican Party, we wouldn't need Mitt Romney to fix the economy!
Besides, it isn't the Presidents job to react decisively to natural disasters. That job belongs to the Weather Channel. Otherwise, the job of President would come with a raincoat and a camera crew crazy enough to stand outside while the wind is tossing Volkswagen's around. He needs to stick to the issues - like what kind of toast to order at Denny's or how often to visit Camp David! Doesn't Obama realize that these are the only concerns that most Americans have? This storm only affected 13 states, that isn't even half! Sure, these states are more populous than much of the country combined but who needs details. If it doesn't affect the state I live in, then I say let's spend our tax money on more important things - like increasing the payout on Mega-Millions.
Obama, the election is looming. You need to think about what is important - campaigning! Forget all this nonsense about averting tragedies and restoring critical services. That stuff will be there once the election is in the bag. Just forget about FEMA responses and go shake some babies and kiss some hands. After all, it's what the other side is doing so it can't be wrong, right?