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Saturday, December 21, 2013

The War on Whitey

        Folks, there is a cultural war being waged in our society that threatens to undermine everything we stand for as Americans. No, I am not referring to the factually known war on our beloved Christmas. I am in fact referring to the war against white people.
        It all started with Miley Cyrus. When this symbol of white innocence launched her latest videos, she was attacked for trying to "co-opt black culture." Didn't critics claim the same thing about Elvis when he invented Rock 'n Roll? Personally, I love 'twerking' as much as the next guy! You should see it, my large ass shakes so much, it resembles a massive earthquake in a densely populated area - in other words, the results aren't pretty and those closest to me are likely to get hurt!
        Now minorities and liberals want to attack us for stealing their cultures and traditions that we invented. But folks, stealing other people's traditions and cultures and then claiming that they were ours all along is what white people do best! After all, what would Christmas be like if we didn't steal the ideas of decorating trees, giving each other gifts, singing carols, and trying to make out with the hot girl from accounting under the mistletoe? A lot more boring and reverent, that's what! I mean, if you take away all the cool things about Christmas that we stole from other religions, all you would have left is a mandatory day of prayer, and who wants that? Not me, that's for sure.
        The fact is that being white is great, and being around white people constantly is even better. If this wasn't true then why do we only teach the accomplishments of white people in history class? Sure the Native's kept us alive our first year, but after that they only stood in the way of progress and white people had to clear them out in order to make room for even more greatness. And every white person knows that slavery was a dark period in our nation's history, but it wasn't really that bad for most of them.
        That's why I am ashamed of the liberal media for attacking poor Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty just because he said that "black people were happier before the Civil War." He should know, he was there. He's just telling you how much his former slaves looked forward to being tied to a fence post and beaten for hours on end. Everyone knows that if you really want to take the weight off, you should get yourself flayed within an inch of your life.
        Sure, he also made some offhand comments about homosexuality and how the "gays were gonna burn in hell for all eternity," but that's because white people co-opted the bible too. I mean have you read that thing? It says we can't eat shellfish or bacon - that's barbaric! So, naturally, we ignore the parts that we don't like and instead focus on the parts that we do - even if those parts are only one chapter apart from each other!
        And Phil isn't the only white person to be attacked by the media recently. Megyn Kelly from Fox News was ridiculed when she pointed out the fact that Santa Claus and Jesus were both caucasian. Look, it's just true, okay? Everyone knows that Jesus was a blonde haired, blue-eyed Jew living in a Middle Eastern country full of brown people. And the real Santa is a fictional character based on a darker-skinned guy from Turkey, but if we used his actual likeness, people in Georgia may shoot him for breaking and entering. After all, if a white guy comes into your house with a huge sack in the middle of the night, no one is going to worry that he will burglarize your home or rape your women.
      Liberals are going so far as to insist that white people get special privileges just for being white. They claim things like "white people don't get followed around stores by security" or "don't get pulled over just because they are white." Well, I say that is a bunch of bull. After all, anyone can have the same treatment, so long as they lighten their skin, straighten their hair, dress like mainstream white America, and live in the same neighborhoods as the rest of us.
        Folks, we have to stop this right now before it gets out of control. Next thing you know, we will be forced to see historically accurate depictions of people like Jesus, or they will be telling us that Martin Luther King, Jr. was a black man. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I Like The Fact That You Are Willfully Ignorant

     Folks, I applaud the Republican Party's shutdown of the United States government! After all, if the Christian Right bring our country to its knees, isn't that the same as saying that God destroyed America?
     But it isn't all doom and gloom, America. The Republican Party knows that most of its constituents read on a third-grade level - that's why Ted Cruz quoted Dr. Seuss! They also know that most of you didn't bother to finish Dr. Seuss's masterpiece "Green Eggs and Ham" because it was way too long, and "Game of Thrones" was about to start.
     I realized the truth of this when I told a group of people to research what the Affordable Care Act actually does and they all told me that they "didn't know what it did, and [we] didn't care to understand it because Glenn Beck said it was bad."
     You see, the GOP knows America. Think about it like this: if
Ted Cruz says "Liberals are destroying America with Obamacare," he can get away with it because there isn't anyone in that party who is smart enough to fact check him. Besides, Obamacare is really a Republican idea that the Democrats have actually embraced - so Republicans have to claim that they hate the thing that the actually created because they can't afford to have their competition get the credit for improving people's lives.
     That's why Boehner calls it socialized medicine - because he knows that term alone will make his voters hate it! This way, the Republican Party can have it repealed so that when they finally get a Republican President, they can rebrand it as Ameri-care and sell it as an original idea! It's a genius move!
     Actually anytime a Democrat tries to pass a common sense piece of legislation or a piece of legislation that may be good for the whole country, they know they have to distance themselves from it because it most likely infringes on the Constitution. Take Romney, for instance. He passed some really restrictive gun laws while he was governor, but when Democrats wanted to ensure that terrorists and crazy people can't get guns, the Republicans claimed that they were trying to infringe on your Constitutional rights. Even now, when a Democrat tried to pass a bill that says "Congress will not get paid, so long as the shutdown is in effect," the GOP immediately shut him up by defending the Constitution that says, "Congress gets their $174,000 a year whether you get paid or not."
     But not everything is shut down.
   
After all, the shutdown cannot be allowed to affect any of the members of Congress because they are all independently wealthy, and deserve to have a good time. And any parts of the shutdown that could hinder their good times are being solved with piece meal legislation.
Airline delays? Piece meal legislation so that they can fly wherever they wish.
Vacations to the National Forest while 800,000 men and women are furloughed? Piece meal legislation to reopen them.
     This also makes it look like they actually care about their constituents!
     In fact, they care so much that they closed the one federal employee gym that is used by non-Congress members, so that they could keep the one that is available only to them open. That's love!
     Folks, these guys know that throwing a temper tantrum is how you get what you want. After all, every time you acted out in a grocery store as a kid, your mom always gave you stuff to get you to stop...stuff like a beating in front of everyone there.
     Which brings me to my breakthrough idea for ending the shutdown: We need to fly to Washington (since there are no delays) and put each and everyone of these spoiled, entitled brats over our knee. I can provide the switches! I'm talking bare-bottom, no mercy, beat you like your grandmother did when you were a kid, spankings. This is the only way to put children back in line when they throw a temper tantrum. Sure, they may cry for a little bit. Or whine that so and so deserves it, but they don't. We just need to ignore all that posturing, and do what is best for America by whipping them into shape.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

One Ring to Sicken Them All

     Folks, we are in danger! Well, not all of us, only us straight people who do not yet have AIDS. Apparently, gay people are using special magic rings to infect disease-free straight people with the deadly virus in its full-blown form. At least, that is the accusation that was made by Christian All-Star, Pat Robertson, on Tuesday night's episode of The 700 Club.
   
"They wear these rings that cut you and infect you with AIDS," Pat Robertson said in a fearful voice.
     Folks, we have to beware of ring wearing homosexuals because those rings are actually a ploy by that sinful community to pass along a dreaded virus that they must obviously have! Because why else would a gay person wear hand jewelry?
     But, folks, there is a conspiracy to keep this truth away from us! The Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) forced YouTube to remove the clip in which Robertson made the prophetic comment. Sure, they claimed that they only asked it be taken down because Pat Robertson is clearly off his meds, but wouldn't being off his meds make him think more clearly?
     And yes, Robertson was only referring to the gay people who live in San Francisco in his comment, but how long will it be before it's a common practice everywhere else? I think the obvious solution is to cut off every gay person's fingers so that they will be unable to shake your hand!
     But maybe I am acting rashly, after all in an interview a day later with The Atlantic, Robertson apologized and claimed that his comment had been taken out of context. That's because we all know that claiming that gay people want to deliberately infect straight people with AIDS can be taken in many different ways - and not all of them are bad.
     I also have to wonder, how many of the "magic rings" has Robertson found? Tolkien led me to believe that there was only one "evil" ring. Hey, I may be onto something. Perhaps, Robertson was just trying to warn that Bilbo guy about the potential dangers of accepting jewelry from a creepy, thin, sick-looking cave-dweller!
     Folks, this isn't the first time that Robertson has attempted to guide us to greater truths - back in September of 2012, he told a viewer that "he should switch to Islam, so that he can beat his wife and keep her in line." That is pretty progressive! How many other Christian talk-show hosts do that?
     This man is a "man of God" and "peace." Everything that he says and does, is in the spirit of Jesus' message. That's why a few years ago he called on the United States to nuke Hugo Chavez and the rest of Venezuela back to the Stone Age! He knew that when Jesus said "simplify your life for God" the fastest way to do that is through a nuclear winter.
     Folks, regardless of how impossible this is, we have to be on guard for such a device. It is a well-known fact that the homosexual community want to destroy everything hetero! Look at the institution of marriage! These magic rings are meant to cull the herd, so that there will be fewer people around to oppose gay marriage. And no God-fearing straight person should abide by that! After all, the word "gay" means "happy," and the last place anyone wants any gayness happiness is the institution of marriage.
   
This sacred institution should be limited to those who only have the strongest of commitments to each other - like the one between Britney Spears and Jason Alexander! They fulfilled every one of God's covenants in only 55 hours.
     Marriage is also fashionable and we all know that homosexuals love fashion. So, maybe the homosexual community would be less inclined to enter this institution if it were less like the directions on a bottle of Pantene. Here me out, people like Robertson know that marriage is also an institution that should only exist between one man and one woman...until that man tires of that woman and wants to divorce her and get another "one" woman...after that, he can rinse and repeat as needed.
     But, we all know that gays will destroy marriage by bringing long, monogamous, commitments to the table, and who wants that? We need to band together and raise our hands against this threat. Then, we have to let our voices ring out with the truth of our convictions.
     After all, the only way we will be able to keep our fears strong will be to draw a circle in the sand - that way we can argue infinitely about things that don't actually matter...

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Odds Are, This Won't Be Favored By Many

     Folks, I love competition - especially competition between young children fighting each other to the death. That is why I applaud Jared D'Alessio on his decision to open a Hunger Games inspired summer camp in Largo, Florida. He was just wanting to share the joy that comes from stabbing an opponent to death with all the little children everywhere.
     For those that haven't read the books and somehow missed out on the amazing movie that followed them, the Hunger Games chronicles the story of a young woman named Katniss Everdeen as she murders fellow young people in increasingly violent way in order to win extra food for her district (village). What could possibly go wrong by inviting 26 children to a summer camp that is based on that scenario?
     Kids showed up at the camp with swimsuits and suntan lotion and they quickly made friends. One little girl, Rylee age 12, told another girl, 12-year-old Julianna, that she would "hate to have to kill her because they were friends." Julianna affirmed her friendship by smiling, patting Rylee on the shoulder, and saying, "Oh I will definitely kill you first. I might stab you." Don't kids just say the darndest things?
     Oh, to have been able to be a part of it all! The first day of the camp was all about crafting. The girls, for instance, crafted sparkly posters with light-hearted messages such as: "LOSING MEANS CERTAIN DEATH" and "WHEN IN DOUBT, GO FOR THE EYES." Then all the kids got to craft their weapons of war with some musing over how they would kill their opponents and others musing over how they would rather die themselves.
   
One little boy, Joey, expressed that he would "rather be shot by an arrow, than be stabbed by a sword." Another little boy, 14-year-old Sydney, was excited to get started and was asking everyone, "What do we get to do first? Are we killing each other first?"
    The week long camped spent the first several days readying the children for their "battle royale" that would take place on a Friday. The kids would be taught to show each other no mercy...until one of the camp counselors became a little freaked out over how violent the children were acting causing her to change the rules of the game. Lindsey Gillette, head counselor, told the kids that "we won't be killing each other in the tournament anymore, instead you will be collecting lives."
     Oh come on Lindsey, you can't try to stem the tide of violence being perpetrated by children who are attending a summer camp based on a series of novels about violence and children - that is unAmerican! If they try to play nice, they might end up with the "odds not in their favor." Like the poor 11-year-old who was curb-stomped during the actual tournament! He was found lying in the grass crying after "several boys viciously stepped on him." He should have just manned up and died like a good little competitor.
     The fact is violence is part of human nature. So, it's probably best to go ahead and bring it out in children by allowing them to take part in events that further glorify that behavior. This way, when they become adults, they will feel less guilty about killing someone who wears orange shirts. Kids have to be taught that it's okay to savagely beat each other to death so long as it's just a game. This means trophies for the person who slaughters the best.
     Eli, another little boy competitor, got it. He bragged about being a sniper in a tree and taking out a small blond child who was hiding in fear because that is the only sane response to a bat-shit crazy situation. But, sanity has no place in summer camps, which is why Eli took Liam's bucket head clean off.
     Besides, these type of events also teach kids the value of making the right business alliances. One like boy, Andre, learned the hard way that picking the wrong friends can be the death of you when he was betrayed by a group of little girls who stabbed him viciously the second he turned his back on them! That should be called Intro to Corporate Culture 101! After all, it's a dog eat dog world out there, and corporate America demands that you climb over the corpses of those who stand in your
     Folks, we need to embrace this cultural phenomenon. If we had more of these gladiator fight-to-the-death-style events, we wouldn't need violent video-games to teach kids how the world really works. 

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Where the Lord Tweeted, I Followed

   Folks, I am a big fan of technology. I like gadgets and gizmo's. I enjoy social media and the Internet. And I know I am not the only one. I think it would be safe to argue that even the big guy upstairs has a Facebook and Twitter account! But even if the Magic Man on the Mountain isn't seeking followers on Twitter and Facebook, the Catholic Church is.
   Recently, the Catholic Church has promised to give Indulgences in the form of time off from Purgatory for good behavior - or specifically behaviors like "following the Pope on Twitter" and "retweeting his tweets." People this is revolutionary, now you don't even have to go to church to seek repentance - you can just shoot a message to the Pope (so long as it is less than 140 characters) that asks him to forgive your late night orgy with those three dudes and that pasta salad (Don't judge, the salad was sinful).
   You see, Purgatory is that bad place that supposedly everyone goes to be purified. It's like a detox center for dead people. In fact, the 29-day program they offer is so bad, that St. Augustine claimed, "it is the worst, most severe pain anyone can imagine in this life." Okay, maybe Augie was being a bit melodramatic with that statement, after all, I have sat through a Barney and Friends marathon once because I couldn't find the remote.
But, if Purgatory is even half as bad as Augie claims, then shouldn't I follow Francis just to be safe? After all, I am following Domino's Pizza just in case they offer 'Twitter-only' coupons. Besides, the selling of Indulgences isn't anything new. The Catholic Church used to sell dead animal parts and pieces of soiled clothing to people all the time and claim it was an ancient artifact linked directly to the Christ and the Apostles. The Church also has a long history of making up new rules on earth that somehow apply in Heaven. That's how tight the Pope is with the Big Guy! He can change the rules at a moment's notice and apparently it is considered all good!
 I mean, don't you wish that worked in the real world? Imagine being charged with a crime and being able to tell the judge that you decided that society would function better if you were always naked, so you changed the statute that regulates public decency in your journal at home. Wouldn't it be great if the court just shrugged its shoulders and said, "well, they made the changes at home, so, I guess it's cool."
   This is not the only way to earn time off Indulgences though America! If you don't have access to the Internet, you can always attend the upcoming World Youth Day in Brazil...of course this should be renamed World Youth week since it starts on the 23rd and doesn't actually end until the 28th, but the Church still believes that the world  was created in several literal days so you can't expect them to have a clear grasp of time! Maybe this is why the Pope isn't showing up until Wednesday which would be about "noon" of this "day" long event. Also I must add, if you don't have access to the Internet, then I am pretty sure you won't get to see this article that would have helped shave off a few minutes from your sentence of excruciating pain caused by being forced to watch Kardashian Reruns in hell.
  By jumping on the social media train, the Church is showing that they are hip and cool. The next obvious step is to put in a Starbucks and gym at each Cathedral...oh wait, all that stand up, sit down, kneel stuff is like a workout already, so I guess all they really need is some overpriced coffee and free WiFi.
   Also, several other churches have already jumped on the Internet band wagon, such as: ChristianHeritageChurch.com. Just like Basil Marceaux, they have already added the dot com to their actual name. I don't see the Pope doing that! Getting on Twitter is just the Church's attempt to play catch-up with the rest of Christianity! After all, even the Book of Mormon is available as an online PDF complete with downloadable magic underwear!
   Besides, the idea of retweeting the Pope and earning an Indulgence is no crazier than seeking forgiveness by confessing your lusty nature to an unmarried man while the two of you are inside of what looks like a broom closet. At least through Twitter you can maintain some sense of personal space.
Folks, I wholeheartedly support this move by the Church to expand its membership because after all, everyone knows that Jesus said "Follow me...to Instagram."

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

It's Raining Steers

Folks, when I go out of this world, I want to die comfortable in my own bed. I mean, think about it, who wouldn't want to spend their last moments relaxing peacefully in a Tempur-Pedic?
Come to think of it, I can't think of a single circumstance that would make dying in bed unattractive...except maybe being crushed by a cow falling through your roof in the early hours of the morning when you are snuggled up supposedly safe and secure in your bed...
Joao Maria de Souza and his wife were sound asleep on the morning of July 13 in the town of Caratinga, Brazil when an 800 lb cow fell through the roof of their house - crushing Joao, and trapping him between the bovine and his bed!
The victim's brother told the Brazilian newspaper, Hoje em Dia, "being crushed to death by a falling cow is the last way someone should expect to go out of this world." I am not sure it should be the last way, Mr de Souza, as I am pretty sure having a whale fall through your roof is even less likely. I would put being crushed by a cow somewhere between being eaten by a walrus and drowned by a spider monkey.
But none of this answers the question, "how did a cow get on the roof of de Souza's home?" Can they operate ladders now? Was there a contingent of para-trooping bovines? Was Chick-fil-A filming new television ad? Because think about it, a commercial depicting cows killing people for not eating chicken makes for a compelling argument!
It turns out that de Souza built his house up against a cliff. And the edge of the cliff is about even with the roof of his house. How was the cow supposed to know that de Souza's roof wasn't up to code?
Now I don't want it to sound like I am insensitive to the fact that a man died, but I am... concerned that no one is reporting on what happened to the cow? Do they eat beef in Brazil? For all we know, the de Souza's wife made a deal with McDonald's just as soon as law enforcement left!
But this isn't the only unusual animal story that we have had this year.
This past Friday, an Israeli man was hospitalized after a trip to the loo. The unnamed John was sitting in the john enjoying his daily constitutional when he was bitten on the penis by a snake. The snake had made a home inside of the toilet that "John" was using and didn't appreciate what "John" was dumping.
After being checked out in a hospital, it was determined that while "John's deposit may have been toxic, the snake most assuredly was not."
I'm pretty sure that both parties will carry the scars from this encounter for the rest of their lives.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

We Are Over Paying OverTime

Folks, I have been saying it for years, "the only way to repair the US economy is to A) stop taxing rich people and B) re-establish slave labor practices." This past week, The House of Representatives took the first step towards Plan B.
In a party line vote of 223-204, House Republicans voted to end the concept of paid overtime in exchange for comped time off a year after the overtime would have been earned. On the surface, this sounds like a lousy deal for businesses. Let's look at it like this: Mickey D's employees can all take paid time off just because they worked sweatshop hours a year earlier - who's going to make my Chicken Nuggets? But then I realized the genius embedded in this legislation!
See America, as you may know, if a person works more than 40 hours in one work week, that employee is entitled to compensation equal to time and one half of their hourly salary. The first provision of this bill eliminates the idea of time and a half. Then, the bill provides employers with the ability to defer the payment that is owed to an employee until a year later - at no interest or extra charge to themselves! They can also deny an employees request for time off later by citing "business' needs." And if an employee quits or gets fired, they lose any right to any form of reimbursement! These companies can also make working more than 40 hours a week mandatory instead of optional!
This is the Holy Grail for Former Slave Owners! I mean, think about it, a company like Wal-Mart can now work employees 70 or 80 hours a week without worrying about paying them for a year and the employee can either accept the grueling hours or quit - which in that case means that the company isn't out anything plus they got the benefits of all that extra labor! Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?
Oh, that's right...labor unions.
You see, after labor unions and people like Teddy Roosevelt successfully corralled the corporations, these corporate giants did the only thing they could do...they sent their kids to Congress. That way, they could change the laws in order to eventually improve their bottom lines. See, folks, what you may not know is that labor unions used to protect employees from just such legislation, but in recent years, the government has bent over backward to accommodate workers in order to make labor unions both ineffective and wastes of money.
These law makers have passed "right to work" legislation which further undermined the labor union's effectiveness. This has caused labor unions to get a reputation as institutions that only protect bad workers. Which is exactly the reputation that they need to have, if corporations want to convince their employees that they don't need them.  That way, once people distrust and dislike unions, corporations can push through legislation that completely disadvantages their workers! Sure, it took about a 100 years to accomplish, but when you are filthy rich, you can choose patience.
See, I told you this was genius!
Now sure, there is some out there who are protesting what they call the "Making Families Poorer Bill," but those are just the people who work for a living - they don't matter as much as people who pay them! I mean, who most deserves the fruit of their labors: the guy I hire at a ridiculously low wage or me?
But America, as far as I am concerned this piece of legislation does not quite go far enough.
We need to eliminate all salaries. After all, Michelle Bachman said that the only way to eliminate unemployment is to stop paying employees for the work that they do. How come we haven't followed this plan yet? Corporate America, think about how much your profits would go up if you could just produce and produce and have no overhead expenses! Then all of your employees could go out and buy all of those goods that they helped you make with the wealth that they inherited, but never actually earned. And if they can't afford to buy anything, then in the words of Marie Antoinette, "F*** 'em." After all, it worked out so well for her and her husband.
We should also eliminate these ridiculous child labor laws while we are at it. If China and other third world countries can chain kids to their workstations until they finish an 18 hour shift, then dammit why can't we? After all, the children are our future and my future would be better with toddlers producing all our goods because they work much more cheaply.
So readers, I need you to go tell your Senators that you understand that what America needs is a return to its Roots. Tell them that we are just happy to be working and that you feel that it is unconscionable to expect to be paid for it. Tell them that America, like all great countries, should be built on the backs of the majority, so that only a few can prosper.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Missouri Loves Company...and Guns

Folks, I have never wanted to visit Missouri - much less live there! I never have...that is until recently! That's because Missouri has just passed a string of laws intended to give sane people the middle finger.
On Wednesday, May 8, the Republican-led Legislature rushed out several new bills. These Republicans knew they had to protect the good people of Missouri from a chaos-fueled world filled with acts of violence and hatred by passing laws that increase the likelihood of chaos, violence, and bigotry.
The first law concerns the sustainability agreement of the United Nation's referred to as Agenda 21. This agreement is currently a non-binding solution to the problems of poverty and environmental conservation. Republican's view it as anti-biblical because they know that god gave us this planet to destroy at our leisure and that Jesus said "F*** poor people."
We can't be concerned with reasonable growth and replenishment guidelines that no one follows anyway! We have to cut down the rain-forests now because they are still there - and no one wants that!
These government officials wisely realize that once Agenda 21 is in full swing, the United Nations will come to Missouri to confiscate private property to help fund it. After all, there is so much of value in Missouri...
The second of these bills involves Sharia Law. Missouri Law-Makers know that the Constitutional   statement that declares "church and state must be separated" is only a suggestion, so they passed laws saying that Sharia Law can never be considered the governing law of the state. We can't have Sharia Law in place! According to Islamic Law, all crime is a sin - including white-collar crime! Islamic Law also declares that a person is obligated to be charitable! This provision says that "while private property rights are acknowledged, a person who has must share with one who has not." That is a completely foreign concept to any God-loving Republican! There are also dietary restrictions, and since the Arab nations are not obese they are in no position to talk to us about what is good to eat! That's the same as trusting a skinny chef!
But these two laws were just the appetizer. The main course involves our nation's favorite hot button topic right now - guns.
Missouri voted to make it a crime to enforce Federal gun laws within the state. They also legalized open carry of any weapon who's barrel is less than 15 inches.
But, most importantly, they made it mandatory for school employees to carry a gun. At risk of being fired. That's right America, Missouri knows that the only way to properly educate our children is to hire Ted Nugent. Teachers will also be given limited arrest powers. That means if little Johnny fires off a spit-ball, he won't go to the principal - he will go straight to jail without collecting his two hundred dollars.
Miranda Rights are a Federal thing, so who needs those! Under this law, these new "school protection officers" are legally allowed to detain children for up to four hours. Wait, I thought we already had a program like that in place...called detention.
Another provision of the bill makes it illegal for a Doctor to ask a crazy person if they own a gun. It doesn't matter if the patient says they want to bomb a school or kill their spouse, Doctors cannot ask their patients or notify police about what is said. That's because the Missouri legislature understands that these people don't mean it! They just need a healthier outlet for expressing their frustrations - like shopping...for new guns...that they can use to commit violent crime.
These three laws were all the love-children of Senate Majority Whip Brian Nieves. Nieves immediately updated his Facebook status with "MURIKAH!" upon their passage.
Representative Doug Funderburk went on to say that "the people of Boston probably wished they had guns in their homes when the terrorists were running around." That's right Funder-man, we know that despite the fact that not a single Boston civilian mentioned, was photographed with, tweeted, or updated their Facebook status with their desire to use their guns to hunt terrorists - they secretly desired to do so!
So America, I am urging you to stand by Missouri and their new Darwinian Trifecta. Once the dust settles and the lead stops flying, property there will be rather inexpensive. 

Monday, April 22, 2013

My Misogyny Settings Filtered Out Your Message


Folks, while in Michigan the term 'vagina' may be illegal, in New Hampshire it is a term of endearment. At least it is for New Hampshire State Representative Peter Hanson.

On April 1st of this year, Peter sent an e-mail out to everyone on his list server to declare what he felt was missing from the anecdotes the legislature listened to on proposed changes to a law on the use of deadly force - "children and vaginas." When Peter was confronted about his off-hand remark about women, he lashed out at his critics claiming, "if you find the noun vagina insulting or in some way offensive then perhaps a better exercise might be for you to re-examine your psyche."

Yeah ladies, if you don't like being referred to simply by your anatomy then you obviously have a mental problem. That's because Peter fervently tells us that he is "highly educated" - in misogyny. Cocky Pete knows that intelligent women love being called vagina because it isn't chauvinistic it's a nickname and you don't hear many Richards' complain when people call them Rick, right?

The thing is, people seem surprised that Peter would refer to women by their sex organs, but take a hard look at the guy because the fact is - Peter. Is. A. Dick. He thinks calling women something other than vaginas would be giving in to political correctness.

And you can't expect him to be politically correct, because politically, he's a dinosaur. He even looks like a fossil. Although Peter may be a tool, he did eventually give a heartfelt apology that moved America to tears. Sure critics will claim that he only made an apology as an attempt to save his party from extinction and irrelevance, but I know he was truly repentant and remorseful.

That's why when Penis finally did apologize for his remarks, he said, "My point in the choice of words was two-fold, one was shock content." You know what will be really shocking? If somehow Petey keeps his job come election time. But Peter was not done with his explanation, he went on to say "the other was to try to get into the mind of the perpetrator.” Because when we are talking about people who commit violent acts, we want them to get it in their minds that women exist just for sex.
Folks, just because Republicans hate children, puppies, poor people, people with healthy sex lives, gays, romantic comedies, and popcorn, doesn't make them bad people. That's because they do care about women...well, not women as whole, but they do care about their vaginas. It's why they can't stop trying to legislate them. Can't you see that it's the ultimate sign of respect?

It's because of this love and respect that the Republicans keep pushing their seemingly sexist agenda. But I think that women get all the best invasive procedures against their will, I mean where's my mandatory prostate exams before my vasectomy. Women should just be happy that their cares so much, after all men have to pay high dollar escorts to get ****ed like that.

So America, instead of giving Peter the shaft, we should instead embrace these new pet names. Think about it, it could be next big Hallmark moment! They could publish "#1 Dick" mugs, "I ♥ C***'s" t-shirts, and "How I love Your Boobs, Let Me Count The Ways" cards.

I say we start this movement by renaming our significant others in similar fashion. Hell, I think I will start this evening by calling Emily a vagina just as she starts to prepare dinner. I just know that doing so will make her super happy and not prone to poison me or smother me in my sleep. That's because she will most likely stab me with the nearest power tool. That's right America, going out and performing such a gesture will really help your significant other to drill down deep to expose how you really feel.