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Thursday, February 28, 2013

I Got the Clap & You're Drinking It Too!

Today's blog is a public service announcement. Folks, it has come to my attention that there is a menace lurking around us. A menace that we can't see. A menace that we can't touch. And apparently  a menace that we can't taste...
I just learned that a few months ago a college which shall remain nameless conducted an experiment. The experiment was performed by the Microbiology students. The purpose was to find out what dangers are lurking around us everyday...dangers that we are ignorant of.
My source, a student named Rachel from said class, claims that the young scientists went to a random water fountain located inside of a randomly selected building on the campus. The water fountain they chose wasn't in any of the sport's arenas. It wasn't in any of the dorms. It wasn't in a student hang-out place. It was in one of the academic buildings. Where they hold classes.
So, they took a cotton swab to this random water fountain. They swabbed the nozzle that people drink from. They collected the culture and waited to see what would develop.
And what developed?
Chlamydia.
That's right, they got the clap from a water fountain. How is that even possible? Isn't chlamydia only transmitted sexually?
It's not like you could tell anyone the truth because they would never believe you. Hell, I wouldn't believe you and I am breaking the story! Imagine telling your doctor, for instance. Your doctor wouldn't even believe you. You would be like "seriously doc, I drank some water and woke up with pus oozing out of my privates." He would respond with a knowing wink and a nod and prescribe you a member of the tetracycline family.
Can you imagine telling your significant other that you got the clap from a water fountain? They would never believe you!  They would accuse you of being with that whore from work that one night you came home late. You would end up single and on erythromycin!
The worst part is that I may have used that water fountain!! I may have the clap and not even know it! The National Institutes of Health claim that 1 in 4 men don't show any symptoms. This is why I am scheduling a visit with my doctor as I write this!
How did the water fountain catch a sexually transmitted disease? Did someone just have oral sex and decide they were thirsty? Or maybe they didn't like the taste and needed to rinse it out? Maybe instead of going down on someone in a college bathroom, you should have, I don't know, waited until you were at home or at the very least gotten a room somewhere? I don't want your VD, so please refrain from using a water fountain as your personal sink!
Or maybe someone actually had sex with the fountain. How does that even work? Is it even possible? Or perhaps, they thought it was a bidet? I mean, they have those in Europe, right? I assume they are normally located inside a toilet stall, but maybe Europe is more progressive than I thought. Maybe this exchange student finished up and saw the fountain and thought - hey, I can rinse here! Awesome!
This discovery only leads to more questions. How many other diseases which were previously considered as only transmittable sexually are lurking in my water fountains? Or on a toilet seat? Or floating beside the drive-thru ordering machine?
It's not like you can just look at an object and know if it is carrying some funky disease. If we could, then there would be no problems. We would just look at the scuzzy object and be like, "yeah I am not touching that."
I may never go outside again. I will never use a public water fountain again.
And this ends our public service announcement, I just ask that you hold your applause until you are at home because I don't want to risk any further infections.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Tithing is as Charitable as I Get - Alois Bell's Story

Folks, everyone knows that Jesus said to be charitable...to yourself and f*** everyone else. That's the way I heard it - it was proclaimed in a sermon by Pastor Alois Bell from Truth in the World Deliverance Ministries (TWDM) located in St. Louis, Missouri. Pastor Bell reinforced this lesson recently after taking a large party to eat at a local Applebee's restaurant.
After the group had finished their meal and the check had been delivered, Alois showed how grateful she was for the great service she received - by refusing to tip her waitress AND then writing on the receipt that she only offered charity to God who was already taking 10% so she wasn't giving the waitress anything else!
Bell is right, charity should begin at home, and this girl was obviously slaving away at work, so she obviously was in the wrong place at the wrong time and Bell doesn't have time for beggars. The waitress, Chelsea Welch, then did the unthinkable - she posted a picture of the receipt with supposedly rude message written on it in order to show how much of an absolute ass clown Alois was!
At this point Alois could have listened to Jesus and turned the other cheek, she could have humbly asked for forgiveness from the poor girl that she slighted, but no, Alois knows the golden rule - "do unto others before they have the chance to do it to you, and if they do it to you first, smite the ever loving shit out of them!"
Alois claiming "to be extremely embarrassed' called Applebee's and "demanded [they] fire everyone involved." I agree Alois, I would be embarrassed to be associated with you too! Getting a girl fired, a girl who is only paid $2.85 an hour, is the morally correct thing to do! Alois Bell is just a humble servant of the Lord who can't be expected to be charitable to the poor!
The TWDM claims that they want to "make the world a better place," and what better way to do that than by stealing jobs from people so that they can become homeless and starve! This IS how they offer "deliverance to those need," they deliver people from their livelihoods!
Bell blames the incident as a "lapse in judgement on [her] part." Yeah, Alois, next time you have to remember not to sign your name to stuff like that!
Alois is just practicing what she preaches, she routinely tells her parishioners to pay their tithes instead of their rent because God will provide. Alois knows that saying stuff like that calms people down and makes them feel better about how shitty their lives are. She understands that the real message of the bible to make money, not give it away.
That's why all the capitalists I know claim to be Christian. Jesus actually gave away all that salted fish to those hungry beggars because he knew he could make a mint selling them something to wash it down with!
In this situation, one must ask "what WOULD Jesus do?" I'm pretty sure that he would send Alois straight to hell, directly to hell, without passing go, and without tipping $200...