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Monday, April 22, 2013

My Misogyny Settings Filtered Out Your Message

Folks, while in Michigan the term 'vagina' may be illegal, in New Hampshire it is a term of endearment. At least it is for New Hampshire State Representative Peter Hanson.

On April 1st of this year, Peter sent an e-mail out to everyone on his list server to declare what he felt was missing from the anecdotes the legislature listened to on proposed changes to a law on the use of deadly force - "children and vaginas." When Peter was confronted about his off-hand remark about women, he lashed out at his critics claiming, "if you find the noun vagina insulting or in some way offensive then perhaps a better exercise might be for you to re-examine your psyche."

Yeah ladies, if you don't like being referred to simply by your anatomy then you obviously have a mental problem. That's because Peter fervently tells us that he is "highly educated" - in misogyny. Cocky Pete knows that intelligent women love being called vagina because it isn't chauvinistic it's a nickname and you don't hear many Richards' complain when people call them Rick, right?

The thing is, people seem surprised that Peter would refer to women by their sex organs, but take a hard look at the guy because the fact is - Peter. Is. A. Dick. He thinks calling women something other than vaginas would be giving in to political correctness.

And you can't expect him to be politically correct, because politically, he's a dinosaur. He even looks like a fossil. Although Peter may be a tool, he did eventually give a heartfelt apology that moved America to tears. Sure critics will claim that he only made an apology as an attempt to save his party from extinction and irrelevance, but I know he was truly repentant and remorseful.

That's why when Penis finally did apologize for his remarks, he said, "My point in the choice of words was two-fold, one was shock content." You know what will be really shocking? If somehow Petey keeps his job come election time. But Peter was not done with his explanation, he went on to say "the other was to try to get into the mind of the perpetrator.” Because when we are talking about people who commit violent acts, we want them to get it in their minds that women exist just for sex.
Folks, just because Republicans hate children, puppies, poor people, people with healthy sex lives, gays, romantic comedies, and popcorn, doesn't make them bad people. That's because they do care about women...well, not women as whole, but they do care about their vaginas. It's why they can't stop trying to legislate them. Can't you see that it's the ultimate sign of respect?

It's because of this love and respect that the Republicans keep pushing their seemingly sexist agenda. But I think that women get all the best invasive procedures against their will, I mean where's my mandatory prostate exams before my vasectomy. Women should just be happy that their cares so much, after all men have to pay high dollar escorts to get ****ed like that.

So America, instead of giving Peter the shaft, we should instead embrace these new pet names. Think about it, it could be next big Hallmark moment! They could publish "#1 Dick" mugs, "I ♥ C***'s" t-shirts, and "How I love Your Boobs, Let Me Count The Ways" cards.

I say we start this movement by renaming our significant others in similar fashion. Hell, I think I will start this evening by calling Emily a vagina just as she starts to prepare dinner. I just know that doing so will make her super happy and not prone to poison me or smother me in my sleep. That's because she will most likely stab me with the nearest power tool. That's right America, going out and performing such a gesture will really help your significant other to drill down deep to expose how you really feel.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Heil No, We Won't Do This Assignment

Folks, critical thinking is hard. Often we are asked to put ourselves into impossible situations in order to gain insight into or develop sympathy for a controversial topic. These kinds of thought exercises are necessary because they teach students to challenge fixed beliefs.
But sometimes, an instructor poses a question that requires us to ask them a critical question. Such a question may most adequately be expressed as: "What the hell were you thinking?"
A still unnamed teacher from Albany High School in Albany, New York is facing disciplinary action after they assigned a pro-Nazi, anti-Jew essay.
The high school English teacher told their students to "think like a Nazi" and "describe how Jews are the source of all the world's problems" in a letter to the Nazi government. Actually, isn't a government typically the source of the world's problems?
The students were encouraged to "use pathos, ethos, logos" and other Latin words to convince a member of the SS that "Jews are evil." They were also asked to hold their pinky against their mouth and demand one million dollars as they handed it in.
The teacher told the students that they could argue the paper from any of the following options: genocidal, anti-semitic, racist, or any combination of the three! Because this time of year, we have to look back at the good "ole" days of the Holocaust.
Before I continue, let me say that this exact scenario is a perfectly acceptable thought-question for students working towards their Master's in Philosophy - it is probably not a good choice for 16-year-olds.
So, that being said, now I have to ask...What happened in this teachers life to make them suicidal? After all, New York has one of the largest Jewish populations that I know of. Did this person not get invited to a bar mitzvah or something? How did this person get the opportunity to get fired? I am surprised one of the Jewish students didn't go all "blitzkrieg" on their ass!
Did this English Instructor just walk into class and say, "Okay class, here's your assignment: write a really xenophobic paper about how the world would be better off if we killed off a large population of the planet. 5 pages, double-spaced, one-hour - GO!"
If this teacher hadn't been suspended, what would tomorrow's assignment be? A Pro-Slavery Rant? Or would they have slowed  it down and discussed why lime Jell-O is the most awesome flavor ever?
But I guess we should cut this person some slack, right? I mean after all, it's almost impossible to find any decent critical thinking topics...other than maybe pro/anti: gun arguments, abortion debates, marriage equality, sex equality, which one of the My Little Ponies is the cutest from the prospective of a Brony. Of course, those topics aren't as interesting as writing about the decimation of an entire people.
Why not use a fictitious people? James Cameron created an amazing movie about the destruction of the Native American people caused by European Expansion that earned billions of dollars. He just made the Natives tall, slender, and blue - voila, now it is a sci-fi story!
But no, let's disparage an entire race to their face! It's no wonder half the students kicked their desks over in protest and refused to do the assignment. Was that the point then? Was this teacher recreating Stanley Milgram's experiments on authority? (You know the ones: guy tells you to keep electrocuting a stranger and the stranger dies.) Was this all a science project for an English teacher who secretly dreamed they were a trained psychologist?
Obviously, this teacher redefined the National Institutes of Health's one research stipulation that says "no experiment can be conducted if it could cause harm to its participants." Or did the instructor not realize that some of their students may have been Jewish? And that those students may have felt anxiety and distress about being asked to define themselves as evil? Are his students evil? Is Albany High School secretly training Super-Villains or fodder for Voldemort's Army? Is the guy just a dick?
Where was Captain America when we needed him most??
Superintendent of Schools, Marguerite Wyngaard, said that "while the assignment may not have been malicious in nature, it does show a level of insensitivity that we will not tolerate." Insensitive? Parking in the Handicapped spot because its raining and you don't want to walk is insensitive. Hitting on the widow at her husbands funeral is insensitive. Telling someone with a thyroid condition to exercise harder is insensitive. Referring to Native Americans as Indians is insensitive. Cheering Gargamel on as he attempts to cook the Smurfs is insensitive. On a scale of 1 to 10 on the insensitivity scale, this is clearly a 47.
This isn't the first time a teacher has gotten in trouble for poor judgment. Last year, I broke the story of a teacher from Trinidad Center City School using Singapore Math. For those that cannot remember, Singapore Math uses word problems like: Billy the Slave needs a beating. If you beat your slave, Billy, 14 times a day for four days, three times an hour the next day, and 8 times a minute the following Wednesday...will your other slaves screw up like Billy did?
In a world where most of our students have no clue what the President can actually a world where many Americans do not understand how a person can be born as a U.S. a world where students keep using semi-colons as a comma...Don't you think, just maybe, there are other more important lessons our young people need to learn?

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

This Idea Is Worse Than a Kick In The %^&*

Folks, after a long and possibly unforgivable hiatus from writing, I am back, tan, and in better shape than ever! Okay, maybe, I am still pale and a fat bastard, but at least I am back! And, hopefully, after today's topic, you will forgive my absence.
The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation is concerned about STI's. They want everyone to have a lot of groovy sex without having to take penicillin afterwards. But, they realize that condoms suck. So, in an effort to make your late-night orgies safer and "more pleasurable", they are holding a contest that has a $100,000 prize to anyone who "can develop an idea that leads to the creation of condoms that increase pleasure in the hope that people will use them".
That's right - they will pay you to create and test objects used in sexual situations. Now, sure, you could design a condom that doesn't cut off circulation. Or perhaps, you could design a condom that doesn't make you want to join the priesthood afterwards. In other words, you could "build a better mousetrap."
Or, you could take the route that Joerg Sprave took. Joerg Sprave builds slingshots. When he heard about this contest, he naturally decided that what we really need is a quick, easy way to apply condoms. So, he invented the "Condom Applicator Slingshot Gun." He knows that men love guns and men love sex - therefore, combining both is a no brainer!
So Sprave built his device and then he uploaded a video to YouTube that would highlight all of the gun's best features - like the loud popping noise it makes after it fires! The noise is comparable to the sound a shotgun makes when you go quail hunting. As a matter of fact, the sound alone is guaranteed to ensure safe sex because no man on earth would be able to perform after hearing that go off so close to his genitals.
The sound is actually the result of the sonic boom that is created when the gun applies the condom to your penis. I mean, what's better than firing high speed projectiles at your crotch? I call that Saturday.
So, that's it. That's all the benefits. It's a gun that fires condoms at frighteningly high speeds at your manhood.
Sprave acknowledges that his device needs work. The first drawback is that it isn't accurate. But that's a minor setback, really. It properly applies the condom one out of every eight times. That's better odds than Vegas.
The second drawback is that it inspires Fear. Come on, don't be a wuss. What is there to be afraid of - I mean other than the fact that you are pointing a gun that resembles a medieval torture device at what is probably the best relationship you have ever had and then proceeding to fire a spring-loaded object on your penis.
Lastly, he mentions the least of all the complaints he has received thus far on the condom causes severe pain. Sprave kinda mumbles that before laughing hysterically and then adding "but that is why I need the money, so that I can improve it!" Yeah, he doesn't want to hurt you - you can tell that from the way he laughs evilly throughout the  video.
I can see the commercial right already! A guy and girl are thinking about having pre-marital sex. He tries to get aggressive and she tells him that they can't without using protection while pulling the Condom Applicator Slingshot Gun out of her purse. They proceed to have a safe encounter because after she shows her date the CASG, he runs screaming from her house.
So come on Bill and Melinda, give the guy the money. I mean after all, at least the Fifty Shades of Grey crowd would be into it.