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Thursday, May 16, 2013

We Are Over Paying OverTime

Folks, I have been saying it for years, "the only way to repair the US economy is to A) stop taxing rich people and B) re-establish slave labor practices." This past week, The House of Representatives took the first step towards Plan B.
In a party line vote of 223-204, House Republicans voted to end the concept of paid overtime in exchange for comped time off a year after the overtime would have been earned. On the surface, this sounds like a lousy deal for businesses. Let's look at it like this: Mickey D's employees can all take paid time off just because they worked sweatshop hours a year earlier - who's going to make my Chicken Nuggets? But then I realized the genius embedded in this legislation!
See America, as you may know, if a person works more than 40 hours in one work week, that employee is entitled to compensation equal to time and one half of their hourly salary. The first provision of this bill eliminates the idea of time and a half. Then, the bill provides employers with the ability to defer the payment that is owed to an employee until a year later - at no interest or extra charge to themselves! They can also deny an employees request for time off later by citing "business' needs." And if an employee quits or gets fired, they lose any right to any form of reimbursement! These companies can also make working more than 40 hours a week mandatory instead of optional!
This is the Holy Grail for Former Slave Owners! I mean, think about it, a company like Wal-Mart can now work employees 70 or 80 hours a week without worrying about paying them for a year and the employee can either accept the grueling hours or quit - which in that case means that the company isn't out anything plus they got the benefits of all that extra labor! Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?
Oh, that's right...labor unions.
You see, after labor unions and people like Teddy Roosevelt successfully corralled the corporations, these corporate giants did the only thing they could do...they sent their kids to Congress. That way, they could change the laws in order to eventually improve their bottom lines. See, folks, what you may not know is that labor unions used to protect employees from just such legislation, but in recent years, the government has bent over backward to accommodate workers in order to make labor unions both ineffective and wastes of money.
These law makers have passed "right to work" legislation which further undermined the labor union's effectiveness. This has caused labor unions to get a reputation as institutions that only protect bad workers. Which is exactly the reputation that they need to have, if corporations want to convince their employees that they don't need them.  That way, once people distrust and dislike unions, corporations can push through legislation that completely disadvantages their workers! Sure, it took about a 100 years to accomplish, but when you are filthy rich, you can choose patience.
See, I told you this was genius!
Now sure, there is some out there who are protesting what they call the "Making Families Poorer Bill," but those are just the people who work for a living - they don't matter as much as people who pay them! I mean, who most deserves the fruit of their labors: the guy I hire at a ridiculously low wage or me?
But America, as far as I am concerned this piece of legislation does not quite go far enough.
We need to eliminate all salaries. After all, Michelle Bachman said that the only way to eliminate unemployment is to stop paying employees for the work that they do. How come we haven't followed this plan yet? Corporate America, think about how much your profits would go up if you could just produce and produce and have no overhead expenses! Then all of your employees could go out and buy all of those goods that they helped you make with the wealth that they inherited, but never actually earned. And if they can't afford to buy anything, then in the words of Marie Antoinette, "F*** 'em." After all, it worked out so well for her and her husband.
We should also eliminate these ridiculous child labor laws while we are at it. If China and other third world countries can chain kids to their workstations until they finish an 18 hour shift, then dammit why can't we? After all, the children are our future and my future would be better with toddlers producing all our goods because they work much more cheaply.
So readers, I need you to go tell your Senators that you understand that what America needs is a return to its Roots. Tell them that we are just happy to be working and that you feel that it is unconscionable to expect to be paid for it. Tell them that America, like all great countries, should be built on the backs of the majority, so that only a few can prosper.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Missouri Loves Company...and Guns

Folks, I have never wanted to visit Missouri - much less live there! I never have...that is until recently! That's because Missouri has just passed a string of laws intended to give sane people the middle finger.
On Wednesday, May 8, the Republican-led Legislature rushed out several new bills. These Republicans knew they had to protect the good people of Missouri from a chaos-fueled world filled with acts of violence and hatred by passing laws that increase the likelihood of chaos, violence, and bigotry.
The first law concerns the sustainability agreement of the United Nation's referred to as Agenda 21. This agreement is currently a non-binding solution to the problems of poverty and environmental conservation. Republican's view it as anti-biblical because they know that god gave us this planet to destroy at our leisure and that Jesus said "F*** poor people."
We can't be concerned with reasonable growth and replenishment guidelines that no one follows anyway! We have to cut down the rain-forests now because they are still there - and no one wants that!
These government officials wisely realize that once Agenda 21 is in full swing, the United Nations will come to Missouri to confiscate private property to help fund it. After all, there is so much of value in Missouri...
The second of these bills involves Sharia Law. Missouri Law-Makers know that the Constitutional   statement that declares "church and state must be separated" is only a suggestion, so they passed laws saying that Sharia Law can never be considered the governing law of the state. We can't have Sharia Law in place! According to Islamic Law, all crime is a sin - including white-collar crime! Islamic Law also declares that a person is obligated to be charitable! This provision says that "while private property rights are acknowledged, a person who has must share with one who has not." That is a completely foreign concept to any God-loving Republican! There are also dietary restrictions, and since the Arab nations are not obese they are in no position to talk to us about what is good to eat! That's the same as trusting a skinny chef!
But these two laws were just the appetizer. The main course involves our nation's favorite hot button topic right now - guns.
Missouri voted to make it a crime to enforce Federal gun laws within the state. They also legalized open carry of any weapon who's barrel is less than 15 inches.
But, most importantly, they made it mandatory for school employees to carry a gun. At risk of being fired. That's right America, Missouri knows that the only way to properly educate our children is to hire Ted Nugent. Teachers will also be given limited arrest powers. That means if little Johnny fires off a spit-ball, he won't go to the principal - he will go straight to jail without collecting his two hundred dollars.
Miranda Rights are a Federal thing, so who needs those! Under this law, these new "school protection officers" are legally allowed to detain children for up to four hours. Wait, I thought we already had a program like that in place...called detention.
Another provision of the bill makes it illegal for a Doctor to ask a crazy person if they own a gun. It doesn't matter if the patient says they want to bomb a school or kill their spouse, Doctors cannot ask their patients or notify police about what is said. That's because the Missouri legislature understands that these people don't mean it! They just need a healthier outlet for expressing their frustrations - like shopping...for new guns...that they can use to commit violent crime.
These three laws were all the love-children of Senate Majority Whip Brian Nieves. Nieves immediately updated his Facebook status with "MURIKAH!" upon their passage.
Representative Doug Funderburk went on to say that "the people of Boston probably wished they had guns in their homes when the terrorists were running around." That's right Funder-man, we know that despite the fact that not a single Boston civilian mentioned, was photographed with, tweeted, or updated their Facebook status with their desire to use their guns to hunt terrorists - they secretly desired to do so!
So America, I am urging you to stand by Missouri and their new Darwinian Trifecta. Once the dust settles and the lead stops flying, property there will be rather inexpensive.