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Thursday, July 18, 2013

Where the Lord Tweeted, I Followed

   Folks, I am a big fan of technology. I like gadgets and gizmo's. I enjoy social media and the Internet. And I know I am not the only one. I think it would be safe to argue that even the big guy upstairs has a Facebook and Twitter account! But even if the Magic Man on the Mountain isn't seeking followers on Twitter and Facebook, the Catholic Church is.
   Recently, the Catholic Church has promised to give Indulgences in the form of time off from Purgatory for good behavior - or specifically behaviors like "following the Pope on Twitter" and "retweeting his tweets." People this is revolutionary, now you don't even have to go to church to seek repentance - you can just shoot a message to the Pope (so long as it is less than 140 characters) that asks him to forgive your late night orgy with those three dudes and that pasta salad (Don't judge, the salad was sinful).
   You see, Purgatory is that bad place that supposedly everyone goes to be purified. It's like a detox center for dead people. In fact, the 29-day program they offer is so bad, that St. Augustine claimed, "it is the worst, most severe pain anyone can imagine in this life." Okay, maybe Augie was being a bit melodramatic with that statement, after all, I have sat through a Barney and Friends marathon once because I couldn't find the remote.
But, if Purgatory is even half as bad as Augie claims, then shouldn't I follow Francis just to be safe? After all, I am following Domino's Pizza just in case they offer 'Twitter-only' coupons. Besides, the selling of Indulgences isn't anything new. The Catholic Church used to sell dead animal parts and pieces of soiled clothing to people all the time and claim it was an ancient artifact linked directly to the Christ and the Apostles. The Church also has a long history of making up new rules on earth that somehow apply in Heaven. That's how tight the Pope is with the Big Guy! He can change the rules at a moment's notice and apparently it is considered all good!
 I mean, don't you wish that worked in the real world? Imagine being charged with a crime and being able to tell the judge that you decided that society would function better if you were always naked, so you changed the statute that regulates public decency in your journal at home. Wouldn't it be great if the court just shrugged its shoulders and said, "well, they made the changes at home, so, I guess it's cool."
   This is not the only way to earn time off Indulgences though America! If you don't have access to the Internet, you can always attend the upcoming World Youth Day in Brazil...of course this should be renamed World Youth week since it starts on the 23rd and doesn't actually end until the 28th, but the Church still believes that the world  was created in several literal days so you can't expect them to have a clear grasp of time! Maybe this is why the Pope isn't showing up until Wednesday which would be about "noon" of this "day" long event. Also I must add, if you don't have access to the Internet, then I am pretty sure you won't get to see this article that would have helped shave off a few minutes from your sentence of excruciating pain caused by being forced to watch Kardashian Reruns in hell.
  By jumping on the social media train, the Church is showing that they are hip and cool. The next obvious step is to put in a Starbucks and gym at each Cathedral...oh wait, all that stand up, sit down, kneel stuff is like a workout already, so I guess all they really need is some overpriced coffee and free WiFi.
   Also, several other churches have already jumped on the Internet band wagon, such as: Just like Basil Marceaux, they have already added the dot com to their actual name. I don't see the Pope doing that! Getting on Twitter is just the Church's attempt to play catch-up with the rest of Christianity! After all, even the Book of Mormon is available as an online PDF complete with downloadable magic underwear!
   Besides, the idea of retweeting the Pope and earning an Indulgence is no crazier than seeking forgiveness by confessing your lusty nature to an unmarried man while the two of you are inside of what looks like a broom closet. At least through Twitter you can maintain some sense of personal space.
Folks, I wholeheartedly support this move by the Church to expand its membership because after all, everyone knows that Jesus said "Follow Instagram."

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

It's Raining Steers

Folks, when I go out of this world, I want to die comfortable in my own bed. I mean, think about it, who wouldn't want to spend their last moments relaxing peacefully in a Tempur-Pedic?
Come to think of it, I can't think of a single circumstance that would make dying in bed unattractive...except maybe being crushed by a cow falling through your roof in the early hours of the morning when you are snuggled up supposedly safe and secure in your bed...
Joao Maria de Souza and his wife were sound asleep on the morning of July 13 in the town of Caratinga, Brazil when an 800 lb cow fell through the roof of their house - crushing Joao, and trapping him between the bovine and his bed!
The victim's brother told the Brazilian newspaper, Hoje em Dia, "being crushed to death by a falling cow is the last way someone should expect to go out of this world." I am not sure it should be the last way, Mr de Souza, as I am pretty sure having a whale fall through your roof is even less likely. I would put being crushed by a cow somewhere between being eaten by a walrus and drowned by a spider monkey.
But none of this answers the question, "how did a cow get on the roof of de Souza's home?" Can they operate ladders now? Was there a contingent of para-trooping bovines? Was Chick-fil-A filming new television ad? Because think about it, a commercial depicting cows killing people for not eating chicken makes for a compelling argument!
It turns out that de Souza built his house up against a cliff. And the edge of the cliff is about even with the roof of his house. How was the cow supposed to know that de Souza's roof wasn't up to code?
Now I don't want it to sound like I am insensitive to the fact that a man died, but I am... concerned that no one is reporting on what happened to the cow? Do they eat beef in Brazil? For all we know, the de Souza's wife made a deal with McDonald's just as soon as law enforcement left!
But this isn't the only unusual animal story that we have had this year.
This past Friday, an Israeli man was hospitalized after a trip to the loo. The unnamed John was sitting in the john enjoying his daily constitutional when he was bitten on the penis by a snake. The snake had made a home inside of the toilet that "John" was using and didn't appreciate what "John" was dumping.
After being checked out in a hospital, it was determined that while "John's deposit may have been toxic, the snake most assuredly was not."
I'm pretty sure that both parties will carry the scars from this encounter for the rest of their lives.