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Thursday, August 29, 2013

One Ring to Sicken Them All

     Folks, we are in danger! Well, not all of us, only us straight people who do not yet have AIDS. Apparently, gay people are using special magic rings to infect disease-free straight people with the deadly virus in its full-blown form. At least, that is the accusation that was made by Christian All-Star, Pat Robertson, on Tuesday night's episode of The 700 Club.
   
"They wear these rings that cut you and infect you with AIDS," Pat Robertson said in a fearful voice.
     Folks, we have to beware of ring wearing homosexuals because those rings are actually a ploy by that sinful community to pass along a dreaded virus that they must obviously have! Because why else would a gay person wear hand jewelry?
     But, folks, there is a conspiracy to keep this truth away from us! The Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) forced YouTube to remove the clip in which Robertson made the prophetic comment. Sure, they claimed that they only asked it be taken down because Pat Robertson is clearly off his meds, but wouldn't being off his meds make him think more clearly?
     And yes, Robertson was only referring to the gay people who live in San Francisco in his comment, but how long will it be before it's a common practice everywhere else? I think the obvious solution is to cut off every gay person's fingers so that they will be unable to shake your hand!
     But maybe I am acting rashly, after all in an interview a day later with The Atlantic, Robertson apologized and claimed that his comment had been taken out of context. That's because we all know that claiming that gay people want to deliberately infect straight people with AIDS can be taken in many different ways - and not all of them are bad.
     I also have to wonder, how many of the "magic rings" has Robertson found? Tolkien led me to believe that there was only one "evil" ring. Hey, I may be onto something. Perhaps, Robertson was just trying to warn that Bilbo guy about the potential dangers of accepting jewelry from a creepy, thin, sick-looking cave-dweller!
     Folks, this isn't the first time that Robertson has attempted to guide us to greater truths - back in September of 2012, he told a viewer that "he should switch to Islam, so that he can beat his wife and keep her in line." That is pretty progressive! How many other Christian talk-show hosts do that?
     This man is a "man of God" and "peace." Everything that he says and does, is in the spirit of Jesus' message. That's why a few years ago he called on the United States to nuke Hugo Chavez and the rest of Venezuela back to the Stone Age! He knew that when Jesus said "simplify your life for God" the fastest way to do that is through a nuclear winter.
     Folks, regardless of how impossible this is, we have to be on guard for such a device. It is a well-known fact that the homosexual community want to destroy everything hetero! Look at the institution of marriage! These magic rings are meant to cull the herd, so that there will be fewer people around to oppose gay marriage. And no God-fearing straight person should abide by that! After all, the word "gay" means "happy," and the last place anyone wants any gayness happiness is the institution of marriage.
   
This sacred institution should be limited to those who only have the strongest of commitments to each other - like the one between Britney Spears and Jason Alexander! They fulfilled every one of God's covenants in only 55 hours.
     Marriage is also fashionable and we all know that homosexuals love fashion. So, maybe the homosexual community would be less inclined to enter this institution if it were less like the directions on a bottle of Pantene. Here me out, people like Robertson know that marriage is also an institution that should only exist between one man and one woman...until that man tires of that woman and wants to divorce her and get another "one" woman...after that, he can rinse and repeat as needed.
     But, we all know that gays will destroy marriage by bringing long, monogamous, commitments to the table, and who wants that? We need to band together and raise our hands against this threat. Then, we have to let our voices ring out with the truth of our convictions.
     After all, the only way we will be able to keep our fears strong will be to draw a circle in the sand - that way we can argue infinitely about things that don't actually matter...

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Odds Are, This Won't Be Favored By Many

     Folks, I love competition - especially competition between young children fighting each other to the death. That is why I applaud Jared D'Alessio on his decision to open a Hunger Games inspired summer camp in Largo, Florida. He was just wanting to share the joy that comes from stabbing an opponent to death with all the little children everywhere.
     For those that haven't read the books and somehow missed out on the amazing movie that followed them, the Hunger Games chronicles the story of a young woman named Katniss Everdeen as she murders fellow young people in increasingly violent way in order to win extra food for her district (village). What could possibly go wrong by inviting 26 children to a summer camp that is based on that scenario?
     Kids showed up at the camp with swimsuits and suntan lotion and they quickly made friends. One little girl, Rylee age 12, told another girl, 12-year-old Julianna, that she would "hate to have to kill her because they were friends." Julianna affirmed her friendship by smiling, patting Rylee on the shoulder, and saying, "Oh I will definitely kill you first. I might stab you." Don't kids just say the darndest things?
     Oh, to have been able to be a part of it all! The first day of the camp was all about crafting. The girls, for instance, crafted sparkly posters with light-hearted messages such as: "LOSING MEANS CERTAIN DEATH" and "WHEN IN DOUBT, GO FOR THE EYES." Then all the kids got to craft their weapons of war with some musing over how they would kill their opponents and others musing over how they would rather die themselves.
   
One little boy, Joey, expressed that he would "rather be shot by an arrow, than be stabbed by a sword." Another little boy, 14-year-old Sydney, was excited to get started and was asking everyone, "What do we get to do first? Are we killing each other first?"
    The week long camped spent the first several days readying the children for their "battle royale" that would take place on a Friday. The kids would be taught to show each other no mercy...until one of the camp counselors became a little freaked out over how violent the children were acting causing her to change the rules of the game. Lindsey Gillette, head counselor, told the kids that "we won't be killing each other in the tournament anymore, instead you will be collecting lives."
     Oh come on Lindsey, you can't try to stem the tide of violence being perpetrated by children who are attending a summer camp based on a series of novels about violence and children - that is unAmerican! If they try to play nice, they might end up with the "odds not in their favor." Like the poor 11-year-old who was curb-stomped during the actual tournament! He was found lying in the grass crying after "several boys viciously stepped on him." He should have just manned up and died like a good little competitor.
     The fact is violence is part of human nature. So, it's probably best to go ahead and bring it out in children by allowing them to take part in events that further glorify that behavior. This way, when they become adults, they will feel less guilty about killing someone who wears orange shirts. Kids have to be taught that it's okay to savagely beat each other to death so long as it's just a game. This means trophies for the person who slaughters the best.
     Eli, another little boy competitor, got it. He bragged about being a sniper in a tree and taking out a small blond child who was hiding in fear because that is the only sane response to a bat-shit crazy situation. But, sanity has no place in summer camps, which is why Eli took Liam's bucket head clean off.
     Besides, these type of events also teach kids the value of making the right business alliances. One like boy, Andre, learned the hard way that picking the wrong friends can be the death of you when he was betrayed by a group of little girls who stabbed him viciously the second he turned his back on them! That should be called Intro to Corporate Culture 101! After all, it's a dog eat dog world out there, and corporate America demands that you climb over the corpses of those who stand in your
     Folks, we need to embrace this cultural phenomenon. If we had more of these gladiator fight-to-the-death-style events, we wouldn't need violent video-games to teach kids how the world really works.