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Monday, January 12, 2015

Bitch-Slapping For Jesus!

     Folks, if you are anything like me, teenagers just make you so mad! I mean: they talk back, they are lazy, and worse, they are disrespectful to the lord. And by lord, I must assume they mean Calvert - you don't mix whiskey that good with Mountain Dew, you sip it over ice!
     But while I may mean Lord Calvert when I speak of the lord, some people use that title to address someone else. People like Pastor Eric Dammann who believes that anyone who disrespects his lord deserves a swift kick in the nuts.
     Recently a video has surfaced from the Bible Baptist Church in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey, showing Dammann bragging about how he deals with "smart alec teenagers who don't take the lord serious [sic]."
Dammann describes a day in which he met "Ben" who he describes as "a nice kid, but bright, which didn't help things." And because of that, Dammann knew that Ben would be trouble. Smart kids always are. Because they question things. Like why his church condemns homosexuality, but has bacon available for every breakfast. I mean, aren't both of those things condemned in the very same book? Does his Pastor just pick and choose which sections to follow? But I digress...Dammann knew Ben "was dangerous."
     And danger only understands one response: violence. “So I walked over to him and went BAM! Punched him in the chest as hard as I could. I crumpled the kid. I just crumpled him.” He crumpled him, kinda like that time that semi ran over that volkswagen.
     Folks, I don't know about you, but I find it refreshing to see a pastor so caught up in his convictions to a god who preached peace and love that he would spread that god's message by punching a smart kid hard enough to hospitalize him. Besides, this type of reaction is built into the church's bylaws and history. According to the church website, this place of worship is dedicated to family values, and nothing says family like domestic violence.
     Folks, Dammann rightly understands that when Jesus said "lay down your plowshares and turn your other cheek," what he was really saying is get your hands dirty and hit them so hard they have to turn away from you. That's how Jesus wins an argument! He only pretends to be about peace and love and brotherhood, but really, he's the founder of Fight Club.
     I think this is a movement every good Christian should jump in on - Punching People for Jesus! Is there a person you know living in sin? It doesn't matter what the sin is, do what Jesus would do and beat the shit out of them! Who needs compassion when you have a "right cross" to strike them down with. After all, there is no better way to get through to non-believers!
     This movement could change everything! We could start having church at the gym! Then not only are we helping bring people to god by assaulting them, we can help reduce the obesity rate in this great nation.
     Think of all the new holidays we could steal to celebrate this new take on Christianity, like Boxing Day! I don't know what it is about but it sounds awesome - plus, think of the merchandising possibilities! Hallmark, you are totally missing the boat by not having a "blind-sided by Jesus" Boxing Day Card! Cattle ranchers stand to gain here too! Think about how many more steaks we could sell if people are using them to bring the swelling down!
     We could even merge this with the BDSM lifestyle! Think about, people already scream oh god there anyway, this is the perfect marriage of secular and religious practices!
     Or maybe we could temper our anger, get therapy, and practice a bit of that love thy neighbor stuff...I mean, either works.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

It's Not Equality If Everyone Can Do It!

     Folks, the battle is over. I am officially raising the white flag on the ship that is Traditional Marriage. I know, I've held out longer than most...I mean, even Michelle Bachmann threw in the towel back in September when she declared "gay marriage not an issue" and "boring." But how can thinking about another couple having hot, sweaty man sex ever be boring? I mean, I practically obsess over it!
     But like I said, it's over. Another conservative dream flushed down the toilet - like slavery, wife-beating, and spousal rape. I mean what's next America? Does this mean mean we will have to start paying people living wages? Or that women should be paid the same as men for performing the same work? Is my "not gay marriage" invalidated and will I be forced to get a "gay" one - because if so, I have the perfect guy picked out...plus, he's a Zumba instructor!
   
But I digress. Today I want to talk about the biggest winners and losers of the battle between traditional marriage and marriage equality.
      Perhaps the biggest loser in this whole battle are the homophobes. I mean, these court decisions have really impacted their way of life and, to them, is threatening the very fabric of security in our great nation. Because forget school shootings, two gay dudes saying "I do" to a life of  love and waking up next to the same person every day for the rest of their lives is what is really placed us in that handbasket to hell.
     Think about it: Glenn Beck has already been expressing concern for "allowing marriage to deviate from one man - one woman to one man - one man or one woman - one woman." He rightly understands that "by allowing the slightest change in these variables will result in polygamy." And anyone who ever watched Sister Wives knows that polygamous relationships lead to ratings for TLC, which we cannot support because they are the channel of Satan. After all, they are the ones responsible for forcing the Duggars and Honey Boo Boo on us! Even cancelling a show on TLC leads to doing the devil's handiwork, and I for one cannot wait to watch and then deny watching the porno featuring Mama June that Vivid is supposedly filming!
     Bill O'Reilly has taken it one step further by warning us that allowing gay marriage opens the door to inter-species relationships. Bill, normally I agree with everything that you have to say, but if you are looking at that goat and thinking about starting a sexual relationship...well, I'm pretty sure that goat doesn't love you, and it will only take, take, take, until you have nothing left...after which, it will chew you up and spit you out! Trust me, I'm speaking from personal experience. FrEd, wherever you are, I love you so much. Just come home! It will be different this time!
     Speaking of goats, Rush Limbaugh has resignedly raised the white flag on this issue too. He willingly acknowledges that "conservatives lost" this one. And Limbaugh knows all about marriage...after all, he's been in four of them.
   
When you add up all of these points, it is easy to see that legalizing gay marriage is the set of good intentions that is really the path to hell. Besides, how can it really be called marriage equality if it tramples on the rights of those who already have the ability to get married? By having to share this particular crayon box, don't we risk breaking or wearing down our favorite color, straight sex silver?
     Sighs.
     Since I spent so much time discussing the losers in this epic War, I guess I should acknowledge the real winners of marriage's downfall - divorce attorneys. After all, the best way to end a marriage, is to be in one.
     And I guess the LGBTQ community has a win here somewhere as well. I mean, now they can be as miserable as straight people - which may make them more relatable. When they were just shacking up, they were so damn happy and chipper. Now they can know what it's like to be shackled to the same person day in and day out with death being their only escape.
     You see America, just as with everything else here, those vows you take are really just guidelines for competition, and the winner is the one who gets there first...