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Saturday, November 26, 2016

I Protest!

Folks, I am dismayed. Once, we were the greatest country on the face of the earth, but now, we are just a country of whiners. Every time I turn on the news, all I see are marginalized peoples holding signs and complaining about how years of systemic oppression have tipped the scales irrevocably against them.
Well, all I have to say is: suck it up, buttercup! Don't you realize that I've been suffering, too? You've been so caught up with how police have been exterminating your people for generations or how you deserve the right to control what happens to your own body or that people should be allowed to get married to any other consenting adult that they choose regardless of their gender that you have completely failed to think about the tribulations that I have had to deal with. Like, just this morning, I went to Starbucks, and they were out of Pumpkin Spice Lattes! And that is a real problem, but you don't see me complaining about it or holding signs to point out just how unjust not being able to purchase a cup of milk flavored with something that does not taste even remotely like a pumpkin is for people like me! Just think about how many sorority sisters had all their dreams dashed when they pulled up to that drive-thru!
No one in the past ever solved any problems by complaining. After all, we have several historical precedents to show that protests, peaceful or otherwise, are not needed to bring about social change. Why do you think we ended slavery? Or let women vote? Or granted equal rights to oppressed groups? It certainly was not because of people marching on Washington, I will tell you that! Those things only happened because the people in power knew it was the right thing to do after they were politely asked to stop treating people unfairly. We just need to wait until those in power decide that they have wronged us and be grateful that it wasn't worse.
You should just accept the President the same way all of those conservatives did when Barack Obama was elected...twice. You didn't see people protesting or states threatening to secede! We calmly expressed our congratulations to the winning side and knew we would have to work harder the next time.
And the demand for safe spaces? What is that about?
Sure, people try to point out that they are afraid because of the things he has said for most of his recorded life history. But these statements were taken out of context! They just seemed to heavily imply that he hated women, Hispanic peoples, African Americans, the disabled, veterans, and anyone who was not a rich, white dude. He later showed how remorseful he was by deflecting attention away from himself by talking about Hillary's emails.
And sure, he told his supporters to attempt to assassinate Hillary Clinton or anyone else who opposed him, but that's no different than what Stalin, Lenin, or Kim Jong-un would do in the name of national security and maintaining peace.
And sure, he has threatened to strip away the 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, and 19th Amendments, but he left the 2nd alone! That should count for something! And he hasn't even mentioned altering any of the remaining Amendments...probably because he doesn't know they exist.
And sure, he has been appointing known white nationalists to top positions within our government, but that doesn't mean he supports white just means he values the rights and privileges of white people over anyone else. Just because a group synonymous with lynching brown people empathetically supported the election of Donald Trump and even went so far as to endorse him in their newspaper, does not mean Trump is okay with their message. After all, he eventually got around to sort-of denouncing the Klan by claiming he would have to research who they were before denouncing them. That's completely understandable! After all, how would he know who they were? I mean, it's not like the Klan ever burned a cross in his yard - he's white.
So, yeah, I just don't see why anyone is worried or why they would protest this election's outcome. I mean, if you are going to protest and demand safe spaces, it should be over something incredibly important. Something that could be world ending or bring about the apocalypse. Something extremely popular musical or the color of a coffee cup...
First, the theater is a dangerous place. After Mike Pence received a stern talking to by the actors of Hamilton, Donald Trump immediately jumped to Twitter to express his outrage.
See, The Donald knows that theaters should always be a safe space. After all, theater was originally designed as a space safe from poor people that rich people could go and pretentiously brag about attending to their other rich friends.
Besides, theater people are scary! I literally cannot count the number of times a theater person has tried to mug me on the subway...because it has literally never happened. And all that make-up they wear is just terrifying! Only clowns wear more and we all know that clowns are scary. The fact is Pence and other rich conservatives should have a safe space from having their feelings hurt, which is the absolute worst thing that they will ever experience. I applaud Trump for demanding an apology from his critics, after all, if his candidacy taught us anything, it's that he has the emotional range of a toddler and being criticized makes him sad.
But that demand is nothing compared to a real issue we should all be concerned with: the lack of a red cup at Starbucks! I mean, Christians are right to be in an uproar over the chains decision to release a green cup this holiday season! It's not like green is a Christmas color or anything! Have they no decency? And the green cup is plain! Where are my images of snowmen and Santa Claus? What would Jesus say if he saw that Starbucks was not giving their customers cups inscribed with secular pagan images?
America, we have to start protesting the real "injustices" of the world! It is time for my problems to be addressed! After all, if America is first in everything, shouldn't these problems be first in all the world?

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Trumping Up Cries of Presidential Appropriation

Folks, last night something magical happened. The Trump campaign decided to engage potential voters by reaching across party lines. And by reaching across party lines, I mean they decided to plagiarize a speech given by Michelle Obama in 2008. The Trump campaign gets it. They understand that, at the end of the day, their entire platform consists of the Donald trumping his own horn. So, what better way to show America that they have an original plan for the future of this great nation than by using the ideas of its current sitting President.

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and who better to flatter than the man whose job you wish to take? After all, the Trump campaign recognizes that Obama is a strong, competent leader – even if Trump’s entire base refuses to acknowledge this! That’s what makes this so genius! They know that none of their base has ever actually listened to anything that our current President (or his wife) has ever said. This means that they can claim credit for every plan Obama has had since taking office! Just think, next year we can replace Obamacare with Trumpcare – it’s the same damn program, but the new, whiter name makes it more attractive!
And speaking of white standards of beauty, Trump’s wife, Melania, took full credit for writing this speech – until the backlash happened. Now suddenly, a whole team of writers are responsible for stealing Michelle Obama’s words. Donald, I thought you would learn by now that if you want to avoid embarrassment, you cannot invite the “liberal” media to any event you are taking part in. I mean they will only distort everything you say with facts, and who needs that! If your supporters wanted facts, they would be educated.
But I think the Donald will come out of this in an even better position than he went in. I mean think about it. Most people don’t actually have a problem with Obama’s views – as long as they are spoken by a white man. The Donald just needs to follow the President around, record everything he says, and then speak it himself and he will be hailed a messiah by people who aren’t openly registered neo-nazis. That’s right, he is encouraging people to come out of the closet…as racists.

Folks, the proof is right there! Look at the applause that Melania received for this speech. His supporters basically gushed over every word. I think instead of criticizing his campaign for plagiarism, we should be thanking him for uniting two warring factions in DC. By using the words of Democrats, he can bring Democrats and Republicans together in a blissful utopia of ignorance and hopeful naivety – ignorance because his supporters won’t know the difference and hopefulness because his detractors will think he actually believes the things he says.
This is the kind of double-speak that Trump is known for. That’s why I am in full support of this tactic. Donald, I am speaking directly to you now, hire me as a staff writer for a ridiculous amount of money and I will scour the Internet, the archives, and popular culture to find every liberal message out there. Then I will write up the perfectly stolen speeches that will ensure everyone loves you. It’s a win-win. You can even keep talking about your wall, while simultaneously talking about tearing it down with kindness.

Face it, America – Trump is going to make plagiarism great again. In fact, why stop there? Trump could make all kinds of appropriations great again! After all, he is known for re-appropriating jobs from active duty veterans and housing from the elderly! What’s next? Hardcore gangster rap? The possibilities are truly endless…just like this mockery of an election cycle…